Top 10 Ways to Say Your Zipper is Down

Top Ten Most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper is Down by David Letterman


10. The cucumber has left the salad. >>> >>>
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. >>> >>>
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked >>> position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson.. >>> >>>
6. Elvis is leaving the building. >>> >>>
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. >>> >>>
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction. >>> >>>
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. >>> >>>
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with >>> Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is
unzipped..... >>> >>> >>>
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts. >>> >>> >> >

Christine and Sae Woon's Wedding

My sister and Sae Woon's wedding webpage is www.christineandsaewoon.weddings.com.

You can go check out their site by clicking on the title of this link also. In the beginning, I kept forgetting his name because I'm not good with Korean names. I called Sae Woon, "Ssang Chu", which means lettuce in Korean. I think he's getting used to me being an overprotective brother. Nowadays, it's hard being overprotective because Christine is hardly ever home.

Misprints in the Church Bulletin

Misprints in the church bulletin:
>>
>> Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
>> recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
>>
>> The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people >>

who are not afflicted with any church.
>>
>> The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies
>> are invited to lunch in theFellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
>>
>> The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
>>
>> Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m.
>> Please use the back door.
>>
>> Ushers will eat latecomers.
>>
>> For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery >>

downstairs.
>>
>> The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
>>
>> The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will
>> sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
>>
>> During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
>> hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
>>
>> Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The
>> pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
>>
>> Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
>> discontinued until further notice.
>>
>> The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich
>> Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
>>
>> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
>>
>> The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet inthe church >>

basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this >>
tragedy.
>>
>> The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks >>

are due to the minister's daughter, who labored thewhole evening at the >>
piano, which asusual fell upon her.
>>
>> 22 members were present at thechurch meeting held at the home of Mrs.
>> Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a
>>
duet, The Lord Knows Why.
>>
>> A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
>>
>> Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace
>> Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
>>
>> Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
>>
>> Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
>>
>> Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
>>
>> 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several >>

new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
>>
>> The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to >>

join the choir.
>>
>> Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for >>

the girth of their first child.
>>
>> Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the >>

side entrance.






>> Actual excuse notes from parents (Spelling mistakes included)
>>
>> Actual excuses from parents:
>>
>> My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please >>

execute him.
>>
>> Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
>>
>> Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
>> 32,and also 33.
>>
>> Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
>>
>> Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of >>
a
tree and misplaced his hip.
>>
>> John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
>>
>> Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt
>>
in the growing part.
>>
>> Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by
>> very close veins.
>>
>> Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
>>
>> Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his >>

boots leak.
>>
>> Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
>>
>> Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
>> the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought >>

it was Sunday.
>>
>> Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her
>> funeral.
>>
>> My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
>> weekend with the Marines.
>>
>> Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
>> gramps.
>>
>> Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
>>
>> Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
>> throat,headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and
>> sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I
>> wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something >>

going around, her father even got hot last night.

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had
> > > > > not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was
> > > > > afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she
> > > > > decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex
> > > > > therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr.
> > > > > Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she
> > > > > went to see him. Upon entering the examination room,
> > > > > Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The
> > > > > woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw
> > > > > reery reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the
> > > > > woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said,
> > > > > "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me." So she
> > > > > did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your
> > > > > probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse
> > > > > case ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."
> > > > > Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what
> > > > > is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in
> > > > > the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your
> > > > > face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

You Don't Know Jack Schitt

>Many people are at a loss for a response when someone
>says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle
>the situation.
>
>Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe
>Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the
>owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
>
>In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply
>religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The
>twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva
>Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.
>
>After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced.
>Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids
>were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous
>name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
>
>Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a
>cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva
>Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and
>consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual
>ceremony.
>
>The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
>Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the
>world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa
>Schitt.
>
>Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you
>can correct them.

Ask the Kids About Marriage

> HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
>
> You got to find somebody who likes the
> same stuff. Like, if you like
> sports, she should like it that you like
> sports, and she should keep the
> chips and dip coming.
> --Alan, age 10
>
> No person really decides before they grow up
> who they're going to marry.
> God decides it all way before, and you
> get to find out later who you're
> stuck with.
> --Kirsten, age 10
>
> WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
> Twenty-three is the best age because you
> know the person FOREVER by then.
> --Camille, age 10
>
> No age is good to get married at. You got
> to be a fool to get married.
> --Freddie, age 6
>
> HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
>
> You might have to guess, based on whether
> they seem to be yelling at the same kids..
> --Derrick, age 8
>
> WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
>
> Both don't want any more kids.
> --Lori, age 8
>
> WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
>
> Dates are for having fun, and people
> should use them to get to know each
> other. Even boys have something to say
> if you listen long enough.
> --Lynnette, age 8
>
> On the first date, they just tell each
> other lies, and that usually gets
> them interested enough to go for a second
> date.
> --Martin, age 10
>
> WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
>
> I'd run home and play dead. The next day
> I would call all the newspapers
> and make sure they wrote about me in all
> the dead columns..
> --Craig, age 9
>
> WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
>
> When they're rich.
> --Pam, age 7
>
> The law says you have to be eighteen, so
> I wouldn't want to mess with that.
> --Curt, age 7
>
> The rule goes like this: If you kiss
> someone, then you should marry them
> and have kids with them. It's the right thing
> to do.
> --Howard, age 8
>
> IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
>
> I don't know which is better, but I'll
> tell you one thing. I'm never going
> to have sex with my wife. I don't want
> to be all grossed out.
> --Theodore, age 8
>
> It's better for girls to be single but
> not for boys. Boys need someone
> to clean up after them.-Anita, age 9
>
> HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET
> MARRIED?
>
> There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,
> wouldn't there?
> --Kelvin, age 8
>
> "And the #1 Favorite is........"
>
> HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
> Tell your wife that she looks pretty even
> if she looks like a truck.
> --Ricky, age 10

My Little Sister is Getting Married

Christine is getting married on Sunday, October 23, 2005 at 4:00 pm. She is getting married to Sae Woon Jo. They've known each other for a long time.

I hope that they have a wonderful life together.

A Visit to Chris the Dentist's Office

I went to the office of Dr. Chris Choi, D.D.S. this weekend. One of my fillings fell out and I had to get it refilled. I went to his office and he numbed me up really well. After I got my fillings, I couldn't really talk because my tongue and cheeks were numb. I wanted to go get a haircut at the barber's afterward, but decided not to go because I didn't want to sound like I was mentally deficient. "I wanna haicut."

My mouth was numb for 3 hours. I was really hungry later so I wanted to eat something. I ate some watermelon and drooled all over myself. I tried to eat dinner, but I kept chewing on my lower lip since I couldn't feel it. My lip was bloody red afterwards.

All in all, Chris Choi did a great job on my teeth. I highly recommend him. He's funny, patient, and gave me the best prices.*


*Actual customer testimony, not a paid endorsement. Individual results may differ.

10 Things You Don't Want To Know

10 things you didn't know -- and probably don't want to know.

>1. During an hour swimming at a municipal pool, you will ingest
>1/2 liter of urine.
>
>2. In an average day, your hands will have come into indirect
>contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, bank pens, etc.)
>
>3. An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12
>pubic hairs.
>
>4. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects while you slept.
>
>5. Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently
>masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
>
>6. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently
>masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
>
>7. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of
>your dirty linen basket.
>8. At an average wedding reception, you have a 1/100 chance of
>getting a cold sore from one of the gu ests.
>
>9. Daily you will breathe in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.
>
>10. Sharing a bag of chips with a friend gives you a 10% chance of
>ingesting a small amount of their feces.
>
>
>I am now going to throw up and go wash my hands. Have a nice day!!

I don't know how accurate this is, but I'm betting that it is closer to reality than not.

Sequoia, et al.

I've finally scanned in pictures from our trip to Sequoia National Park. It's my favorite national park. I love these giant trees. They're just so awesome. We also stopped by Bakersfield and Lake Isabella. We didn't take any pictures in Bakersfield, however.

Click on the title of this post and you'll see my Yahoo Photo Album. This album also contains a few pictures from our dinner party with church members. There's also a picture with Sarah's brother, Whooni and her nephew, Michael (Sung Ho). That was taken on Sarah's birthday. I think we forgot to take pictures of the actual birthday girl, Sarah, though. Woops!

Reverend David M. Kim

My fellow brethren, I am now an ordained minister. Hallelujah! I received my certificate that states that I'm now known as Reverend David M. Kim.

Now, I am going to make my own church. Please support my ministry by making donations to my church. I haven't come up with a good name yet.

My first ministry will be offering free prayers to those who need it. If you have a prayer request, please let me know. I'll be happy to pray for you.

I can also perform marriage ceremonies, funerals, baptisms, home blessings, benedictions, and all that good stuff. The only things I can't do are circumcisions.

I feel that my life has changed because of this ordainment. I am now going to use my power vested in me as a minister to change the world. Watch out world, here I come!

Wild Nights in Philly

Remember back in July when I said that I went to Philly? Well, here are the pictures. Finally! What took so freakin' long?! Some of my co-workers have already left work before I could finish developing them. I'm sorry for the delay. It's because I didn't take my digital camera, so I had to wait to develop them. Also, I had several more photos to take before I could develop them. My pictures from my trip to Sequoia and some other events will be posted up soon as well. Another delay was because I waited to develop the pictures with the Rite Aid coupon I got. Why pay more now when you can pay less later? Am I right, guys?

I further apologize for the photo quality. Scanning makes the images appear like crud on the computer, but you get the gist of what happened in the pictures. I'll try to use digital photos only from now on. -After I finish developing my last roll of film taken with my disposable camera that I won at last year's office Christmas party. Those pictures go back to our Hawaii honeymoon last December.

Enough excuses and apologies. The picture above was taken at an Irish pub on South Street in Philadelphia. My co-workers who went with me on that trip were Anelise Herman, Rita Weeks, and Hadi Gerami. We had a fun first night when we arrived there. After the first night we didn't venture out too much. We just ate dinner at some restaurants and shopped around. I only took photos that first night.

You'll see some pictures that are totally weird, aside from the poor photo quality. Some of us had a little too much to drink that night. Not me though. I can drink like a camel. I liked some of the chairs at the Contintental. My friends looked like Tweedy birds trapped in cages. Hadi loved the frog chairs. Doesn't he look totally stoked? Yeah! "Rock and Roll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" as Anelise would say after she had a few drinks. Later we went to some bar with some interesting people. Interesting as in punks, gays, lesbians, transvestites, and other alien life forms. I didn't mind those types of people. Jesus would have hung out with them. For me, I had to step outside because that bar had too much cigarette smoke. I could see smoke coming out of my lungs when I went outside. Well, we had a great time that night anyway.

Click on the title of this post above to see more pictures from Philly. You'll also be able to acquire access to my entire Yahoo Photo Album. You can click on this photo for a larger image. Please don't use these pictures to blackmail me in the future. Other than that, please feel free to enjoy them.

Call of Duty 2 is better than any WW II Movie!!!!!

Check out this clip from the game Call of Duty 2. This game looks so awesome. I think it's better than any WW II movie like Saving Private Ryan or even Band of Brothers. There's more action and more intensity in this game than most war movies out there. I think it's just the beginning of the great things you can expect from the gaming industry. Pretty soon everyone will be gaming instead of just sitting there watching movies.

Mammograms

>This is a cute way to send "the message"! There is a serious message at the

end, but you get to laugh on the way there. Now go out and have your mammies

grammed!

>

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>>Perfect Breasts

> (o)(o)

>

>Fake Silicone Breasts

> ( + )( + )

>

>Perky Breasts

> (*)(*)

>

>Big Nipple Breasts

> (@)(@)

>

>A Cups

> o o

>

>D Cups

> { O }{ O }

>

>Wonder Bra Breasts

> (oYo)

>

>Cold Breasts

> ( ^ )( ^ )

>

>Lopsided Breasts

> (o)(O)

>

>Pierced Nipple Breasts

> (Q)(O)

>

>Hanging Tassels Breasts

> (p)(p)

>

>Grandma's Breasts

> \ o /\ o /

>

>Against The Shower Door Breasts

> ( )( )

>

>Android Breasts

> | o | | o |

>

> Mammogram Breasts

> ___ ___

>

>For years and years they told me,

>Be careful of your breasts.

>Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.

>And give them monthly tests.

>

>So I heeded all their warnings,

>And protected them by law.

>Guarded them very carefully,

>And I always wore my bra.

>

>After 30 years of astute care,

>My gyno, Dr.. Pruitt,

>Said I should get a Mammogram

>"O.K," I said, "let's do it."

>

>"Stand up here real close" she said,

>(She got my boob in line),

>"And tell me when it hurts," she said,

>"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

>

>She stepped upon a pedal,

>I could not believe my eyes!

>A plastic plate came slamming down,

>My hooter's in a vise!

>

>My skin was stretched and mangled,

>From underneath my chin.

>My poor boob was being squashed,

>To Swedish Pancake thin.

>

>Excruciating pain I felt,

>Within it's vise-like grip.

>A prisoner in this vicious thing,

>My poor defenseless tit!

>

>"Take a deep breath" she said to me,

>Who does she think she's kidding?!?

>My chest is mashed in her machine,

>And woozy I am getting..

>

>"There, that's good," I heard her say,

>(The room was slowly swaying.)

>"Now, let's have a go at the other one."

>Have mercy, I was praying.

>

>It squeezed me from both up and down,

>It squeezed me from both sides.

>I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,

>To HER tender little hide.

>

>Next time that they make me do this,

>I will request a blindfold.

>I have no wish to see again,

>My knockers getting steam rolled.

>

>If I had no problem when I came in,

>I surely have one now.

>If there had been a cyst in there,

>It would have gone "ker-pow!"

>

>This machine was created by a man,

>Of this, I have no doubt.

>I'd like to stick his balls in there,

>And see how THEY come out!

Bathroom humor

Have you ever noticed that when you're in a public bathroom trying to poo that you try to fart as silently as possible? And when you're at home alone you try to fart as loudly as possible? Well, that's true for me. I try to fart as loud as I can in front of Sarah. If she doesn't acknowledge my fart, then I try to fart more loudly the next time. When I'm using the bathroom at work, I try to do SBD's (Silent But Deadly's) or Ninjas (Silent Assasins). I don't want my co-workers reporting to others about how loud I fart in the bathroom. Usually we try to keep our bowel movements to ourselves. What ever happens in the bathroom stays in the bathroom. Guys try to avoid any eye contact in the bathroom too.

I just got a new digital camera and a video camera. Stay tuned for video blogs. That should be really exciting! Hopefully, I can learn how to do quickly. If you can give me some tips on how to do it, I'd appreciate it. I'll try to make it as interesting as possible without embarrassing myself or Sarah too much. This should be much better than my sad attempts at audioblogging. I thought that was a good idea at first, but since I'm so self-conscious about how I sound on recordings, I think it turned out to be a flop. What'd you guys think?

I got violated!

I came back from the doctor's and boy does my ass sure hurt. I went to see a urologist and he violated me. Actually, I went there because I keep peeing so much. I thought I had BPH or something like that. I decided to check it out. Fortunately, he said my prostate is fine. Unfortunately, my ass hurt so much I almost peed in my pants! Ouch! Yikes! Then, I shook his hand, thanked him, and went home. I had to pay full price too since I don't have health insurance yet.

Please don't tell anybody. It's our little secret. Come on guys. Everybody goes to the doctor for one reason or another. Until now, I was healthy as a horse. Ever since I turned 30, my body is going all downhill. I don't think I can make it to 100 now.

2002 Weyless Elite Mountain Bike for Sale

43688554_4e9c375e85_m, originally uploaded by David Kim.

I'm selling my mountain bike, Playstation 2, and modded Xbox. I know it's a shock to everyone since you all know that I love biking and videogames so much and wrote several blogs about them.

Fortunately for you, you can take advantage of this opportunity to buy an awesome bike for way cheap. It retailed for $1300 new at Supergo. I'm selling it for $400 or best offer.

This bike is really fast and light. I've written in the past about how I break the speed limit every day on my way to work. I go over 35+ mph on the downhills through East Los Angeles.

This has a Manitou front suspension fork, Shimano XT derailleurs, Deore XT brakes, Deore shifters, and clipless pedals.

I'm also including a Supergo bike computer, NiteRider Trail Rat lights ($100 retail), a bike rack, a large bike pump, a small hand pump, size 8 1/2 clipless shoes, a Bell bike helmet, and Trek tail lights for free!!

I'm also selling my modded Xbox. It has a 120 GB hard drive. I currently have about 30 games on it including Halo, Halo 2, Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball and the Xrated version, Wolfenstein, Simpsons' Road Rage, Mechassault, Burnout 2, Midnight Club 2, etc. Right now it has a soldered Xenium chip installed. I'm also including an Xecuter chip($50), the original hard drive, and a copy of Star Wars: Clone Wars/ Tetris Worlds. It also has thousands of emulators of arcade games, Genesis, Nintendo, Super Nintendo, and classic games. I've spent over $600 on this system. I'm selling it for $250 or best offer.

I'm also selling my Playstation 2. It includes 6 Playstation 2 games and 3 Playstation games. I'll also include my GameInformer videogame magazine collection and some demo disks. I'm selling it for $120 or best offer.

I can't believe I'm selling my most prized possessions, but you can benefit from my loss. I need to find some new hobbies now. Dang it!

(Click on the picture of the bike to see more bike pictures on my flickr site.)

Email me if you are interested.

Jury Duty

I had to go to jury duty yesterday. What a drag! I don't even get paid for jury duty so that sucked. Fortunately, I wasn't called to be on a jury panel. Last time I went I had to wait until the third day just to be excused. That was only a year and a half ago. Man! Why do they keep asking me to serve as a juror so often?! I seem to be called way too often. My odds are really good that I'll be called again after one year. Why don't I ever win the lotto? Oh yeah. I have to buy a ticket.

When I was going through the metal detectors at the criminal courthouse building in downtown LA, one of the security people stopped me. Of course, I didn't bring my guns or knives and emptied my pockets, but she thought that I still had something in my pocket. She checked but she found nothing. I said, "It's just my bulging muscles." She just smirked with the "yeah, right" look.

Proctologist joke (Contains profanity)

Zoom

Zoom, originally uploaded by David Kim.

Here's a picture of me driving the new Miata at Mazda's Zoom Zoom Live driving event on August 28, 2005. This was at the Pomona Fairplex. I had a fun time there when I was driving. The lines were way too long though. I had to wait over an hour to race this Miata. Yoinks! You know how impatient I am! I drove like a maniac so I had fun. The tires were screaming for mercy around every corner. Muhahahaha.

Click on the picture to see my other fun pictures on my flickr.com/photos/davidmkim site.