The Scorpion King

Wrestlemania's The Rock stars as a Conan the Barbarian wannabe in the Scorpion King. The Rock wants to be an actor, but nobody takes wrestlers seriously. Wrestlers like Jesse, "The Body" Ventura can only hope to become a politician. Only doing something as well respected as professional body building can lead to a successful career as an action adventure star.

And what the heck kind of name is "The Rock" anyway? I guess it's better than "Prince formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince," but friends, just simply call me "Prince."

Even though this is a silly cheesy popcorn film, I have to admit it had lots of fun action.

The Rock is pretty much invincible in this movie. He plays Mathayus, an Akkadian assassin, who is the last of his kind. They Akkadians have adopted New Hampshire's state motto as their own, "Live Free and Die Well."

The evil king Memnon wants to rule the entire desert and the last few tribes agree to be allies in order to stop Memnon. They hire The Rock to take him out.

He goes to the fabulous city of Gomorrah and the camera pans out to show the city in all its glory.

The Rock's first attempt at killing Memnon is unsuccessful. He gets captured and they bury him in the sand. Only his head sticks out in the hot sun. Big fire ants start crawling out and start swarming over him. He starts trying to smash them with his chin and bites them and chews them out. Things look hopeless though as he is soon going to be eaten alive. The horse thief that was buried next to him, escapes using his thievery skills +1. The horse thief rescues The Rock. The Rock repays him by knocking his lights out.

Then The Rock and the horse thief go back to Gomorrah. The horse thief sees the magnificent sin city and says that there is no greater city than Gomorrah. . .except maybe Sodom.

In one scene, The Rock acts like Riddick when he kills off Memnon's soldiers one by one in the sandstorm and in the dark cave. Somehow that leather mask gives him special sand vision so he could see in the sand storm when others can not.

The Rock gets stabbed by an arrowhead laced with scorpion venom. He is saved by Memnon's half naked sorcerer, Cassandra (Kelly Hu). A boy makes a wish and throws a coin into the wishing well and Kelly Hu comes out of the water naked covered only by her hair. The boy says, "The gods be praised!"

The Rock fights Green Mile giant Michael Clark Duncan who plays Balthazar, a scar faced Nubian. Balthazar fights just as well as the Rock. The Rock earns his respect and they team up together to bring Memnon down.

The Rock loves to ride his trusty camel into battle even though they're slower than horses, because they're much smarter. The Rock kept sweet talking to his camel. I guess he liked those lovely camel humps.

Memnon is a great warrior himself. He can deflect arrows with his swords as if they were merely spit balls. But, in the end, The Rock gets so very very mad that he bends his bow back further than he's ever done before. The arrow goes so fast into Memnon's chest that Memnon couldn't even deflect it this time even with 2 swords.

The Rock becomes the new king of Gomorrah, the Scorpion King. Kelly Hu becomes his queen. The Rock asks the sorceress to use her powers to see if their kingdom of peace and free love and sex will last forever. She says that "All kingdoms will come to an end. That is the destiny of all kingdoms." The Scorpion King replies, "Then we will make our own destiny."

But, we all know what happens to his kingdom in the end. YHWH god totally destroys the wicked sin cities of Sodom and Gomorrah where free love and sex in the city streets reign. Even though it's a glorious city in man's eyes. It's an aberration in YHWH god's eyes.

The credits roll and loud crappy noise they call heavy metal music from Smackdown! starts playing. Blah!sphemy!

The Highs: Fun fighting action. The Sorceress' outfit.

The Lows: As intelligent as your typical Wrestlemania fans. (Wrestling is real, man.)

The Verdict: Conan The Rock(y) (Barbarian) lives on.

My rating: B-, 80.