Torque

From the makers of 2 Fast 2 Furious, comes Torque: 2 Stupid on 2 Wheels.

If you hated The Fast and The Furious and its sequel, you'll rage with uncontrollable loathing against this film. If you liked the first two movies, then you might be able to tolerate this one, but just barely. As with most action movies, people go to see these types of films strictly for the action. I must admit, the motorcycle chase scenes on the freeways were kinda cool and exciting to watch. But, that's about the only redeeming factor in this boob of a movie.

The movie is about this motorcycle riding outlaw named Ford. He ran off to Thailand for 6 months to hide from the feds because they were accusing him of drug smuggling. He comes back to see his girlfriend, Shane. She also rides bikes. His 2 bike riding buddies also tag along for the fun.

Henry, the boss of the Hell's Angels-type gang, the Hellion, is after Ford. Henry is the one who put vials of crystal methamphetamine inside some motorcycles he wanted Ford to look after. The FBI gets wind of this and try to arrest Ford. Ford then flees the country until things cool down a bit. Before he took off, Ford hid the motorcycles. Now that Henry discovers that Ford's back in town, Henry wants to recover his bikes that are full of drugs.

Ford also gets involved with Trey, played by Ice Cube. It's weird how Ice Cube becomes an Ice Tray in this movie. Oh well. Ice Trey is the leader of the Reapers, an African American sport bike gang. Henry kills Ice Trey's little brother and frames Ford for murder. Ice Trey wants bloody revenge for this despicable deed. I thought Henry did Ice Trey a favor since Trey's little brother was a brat and was getting in all sorts of trouble. But, of course, Ice Trey needs to exact revenge for the murder of his blood.

Do yourself a favor and take long bathroom breaks whenever the action stops and the characters start talking. You'll save yourself a lot of painful moments of groaning.

I can't stand gangsters. Motorcycle gangs like the Hell's Angels hog riders are an anathema to me.

The only good thing about the film is that the motorcycle chase scenes were pretty fast and thrilling. The filmmakers, however, even managed to screw some of the action sequences up when they put too much goofy CGI in the chase scenes though. They looked totally fake, especially the horrendous last chase scene.

The final chase scene takes place in downtown L.A. Oh my gosh was it absurdly fast! It's faster than the superfast car racing videogame, Burnout Revenge. That kind of silliness doesn't belong on the big screen. Instead of using real action, they use CGI. Now, they lost all credibility. It looked like a roadrunner cartoon. Even the music seemed to have been sped up.

Ford gets his dirty little paws and butt on the Ultrafast Y2K jet engine motorcycle. Only 10 have ever been made. Of course, Jay Leno has one of them. Ford uses the Y2K to chase down Henry on his nitro powered supercharged hog cruiser. These 2 clowns fight on their bikes while traveling 200 miles an hour through downtown L.A. Let me tell you this is the most ridiculous sequence that I've seen in an action movie. They go so fast that it looks like they're going through cars. It's not like they've reached light speed yet. Yes, they are going fast, but not fast enough to go through solid two tons of steel.

Another thing that totally makes me laugh is that even when they're going 200 miles an hour or so, they don't get very far distance wise. At that speed, they would have been half way to San Diego. Henry and Ford speed through downtown LA on Grand Avenue. They start from 2nd Street and after passing a thousand buildings, streets, and cars, they end up on Wilshire. It's like watching a cartoon where the characters go real fast and you can see the background pass by really fast. Anyway, Ford flips his bike and lands on top of Henry. Henry dies and Ford wins.

These guys cover less distance going 200 mph than I can on my skateboard. You guys have seen my downhill skateboarding videos. I've gone from 3rd Street to 6th Street on Grand in 40 seconds. These dumbos cover the same amount of ground while going superfast in that long chase sequence. They've been going straight the whole time too.

There were so many things wrong with this movie that I don't know where to begin. In the last chase sequence where Ford lands his bike on top of Henry, they are in front of the Wilshire Grand Hotel. An old bus driver comes skreeching to a halt right over Ford's face. Then, when they do a close-up of the driver, he has become a big fat guy with a long beard and moustache. How the heck did they put in a different extra for that scene?

In one of the freeway chase scenes, the Hummer the FBI drives flips over at 100 mph right on top of a Porsche. But, the Hummer drops straight on top of the Porsche. What happened to the forward horizontal momentum?

The guy in the Porsche 911 Turbo was the same guy that got beat up by Henry on one of his bike trips. How did he get that Porsche so fast and get to L.A. faster than Ford and Henry who have been racing to LA the whole time? What happened to the Porsche guy's chopper? The guy gets rid of his hog, gets inside a Porsche, and gets stuck in LA traffic long before Ford and everyone else who have been cannonballing to get there.

When the Feds open up the 18 wheeler's trailer, the NASCAR race car just jumps out of the trailer. How is it possible that the FBI guy doesn't get run over after opening the door?

How do the bike riders just jump over obstacles without ramps? Ford just happens to jump over fallen trees and stuff.

Another ridiculous mistake in the movie was when Shane and the evil biker bitch fight one on one on top of their bikes. It may be cool to watch, but it's so ridiculous. Other than to show off their acrobatic motorcycle skills, why would they ride their motorcycles straight through the fish market rather than ride away somewhere else? They ride straight through the fish market at about 60 miles an hour. That fish market just might be the longest fish market in the world.

It's just like the last scene in downtown LA. You can see the same Michelin sign in the background over and over again. I've seen it about 8 times in the background. Are there that many Michelin stores there? Just exactly how long is that fish market? They're going fast, but they don't cover much ground. They're going in a straight line, but they pass by the same stuff over and over again.

Ford says he lives his life 1 quarter mile at a time. Even the other characters think that's the stupidest thing they've ever heard.

The Hell's Angels gang is also fighting for 1 Meellion Dollars worth of crystal meth. When he said that, I thought of the evil genius in Austin Powers. Come on! $1 Millino dollars is not much these days, especially when he has to support a gang that big.

I just watched this movie, because I like motorcycles and fast chase scenes. I really want a motorcycle too. As God as my witness, I will get a motorcycle one day if it's the last thing I do.

The Highs: Lots of fast bikes.

The Lows: Too many to list. Bad story, bad acting, too much CGI, too many ridiculous mistakes. Read the review above.

The Verdict: Torque makes The Fast and the Furious look like an Oscar winner in comparison.

My rating: F, 57.