"Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive." Write that down. If you don't have a pen, then remember it.
So goes one of Van Wilder's sayings that embodies his epicurean philosophy.
Think of this movie as American Pie without the laughs. There were a lot of gross-out, low brow, crass teenage jokes, but it didn't produce the guffaws I was hoping it would. The film is like a guy that doesn't know how to tell a dirty joke. And everyone knows that dirty jokes are the funniest jokes.
Van Wilder looks like a young Will Ferrell. Van Wilder is a 7th year senior at the presitigious Coolidge College. The film was shot at the campus of UCLA though. His wild partying days are numbered, however, when his rich dad/poor father finds out that he still hasn't graduated. His dad says, "Sometimes, in life, you have to recognize a bad investment and then, cut your losses. Write that down."
Now, Wilder has to find a way to pay for his tuition so that he can stay in school. Don't be a fool, stay in school. The more you know, the further you'll go. --A public service announcement. When I was in college, I wanted to stay there as long as possible too. I graduated early though, because I had so many A.P. credits even though I switched majors a lot.
The old spinster of a school administrator takes advantage of Van by unleashing her post-menopausal hormones all over him. He finds out afterwards that he could have simply filed for an extension to pay for tuition without having to compromise his morals and body.
After visiting the local gentleman's club with his posse, he comes up with a creative idea to pay for tuition. He comes up with Topless Tutors-an excellent tutorial service that inspires college dorks to study hard. Once the tutees come up with the right answers to their study questions, they get rewarded by being able to gawk at strippers' mammaries. The fun stops when the strip club owner puts a stop to Van's business.
Meanwhile, Tara Reid, the campus newspaper journalist gets assigned to write about the campus legend, Van Wilder. She dislikes his immaturity at first, but later warms up to him. The nerd fraternity hires Van to throw a rockin' good party and he delivers. Tara writes about the story and the newspaper publishes the front page with the headlines: Van Wilder: Party Liason. Soon, the phones ring off the hook with frats and other clubs asking him to organize parties for them. He comes up with the money to pay for tuition so he gets to stay in school.
Tara's self-obsessed fratboy premed boyfriend gets jealous of her spending too much time with Van and comes up with a way to topple the big man on campus. During one of Van's parties, Tara's bf sneaks in a bunch of elementary school kids in and then the kids get drunk. The little brats start hurling like I did at the office party a couple weeks ago. The cops come and arrest Wilder for serving alcohol to underage kids. When the school finds out, he gets expelled. All the students rally together to protest his expulsion. Wilder goes through an administrative hearing and after a sappy court room scene, he gets to stay. He studies hard for his finals and graduates with a degree in leisure studies.
As I said before, humor is an elusive quality that cannot be attained with mere crass farce. There were several crude gags that did induce some laughs from me, but not as much as the American Pie movies. This movie as a whole just didn't come cohesively together to make a great comedy. This lampoonani is no Animal House.
In the first scene, it looks like an old Asian lady is orally pleasuring Wilder, but really she was just sucking on a lolipop and measuring his inseam for alterations. That is a typical example of the types of jokes that are spread throughout the film. Wilder then takes off his pants and goes to the top of the roof to save the Sherminator, from the American Pie movies, from jumping off and killing himself. For some unknown reason, Wilder doesn't have any underwear on. I guess he likes to go commando.
Then, Wilder interviews people to become his personal assistant. I don't know why he needed one since it looked like he had a sidekick that tagged along everywhere he went anyway. Everyone who goes through the interview is a little whack. Even Erik Estrada, who is constantly looking for jobs after CHiPs, auditions for the job. This film displays poor editing, since it was confusing who Wilder and his sidekick were talking to when the camera kept going back and forth between the interviewees.
The editing really needed a lot of work in this movie. Sometimes, it looks like Wilder is trying to act by making a strange facial expression and the camera just cuts him off.
Wilder finally finds a guy who fits the bill--Kumar from Harold and Kumar Goes to White Castle. Taj Mahal Badalandabad (Kal Penn or Kumar) says he wants to be Van's assistant because he wants Wilder to help him score. Kumar says:
"You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder."
Wilder sets Kumar up with the pulchritudinous Naomi (which is "I moan" backwards). Kumar gets super-excited when he's with her. He puts on massage oils and accidentally slides off her back and falls off the bed. The candles land on him and the massage oils on his back catches on fire. He jumps out the window into the pool. Now, that would make a memorable first time!
After Tara's bf plays a dirty trick on Wilder, he gets revenge by massaging his bulldog's "hot dog" with eclairs. He sends pastries filled with his dog's semen to Tara's frat house Delta Iota Kappa (DIK) and the fratboys gobble it up. That was gross!
Tara also gets back at her bf by putting a ton of Colon Blow powder in his protein shake. He messes up his medical school entrance exams, because he needs to go poo really badly. He starts sweating profusely and just starts filling out the answers randomly. He runs away farting. Before he is able to get to the bathroom, Tara's father introduces him to the Northwestern Med School interviewers. No longer able to hold it in, he finally runs to the trashcan and puts his whole butt in there. He craps and fills up the entire basket.
Other jokes in the movie just weren't funny. A lot of it just bombed like when Wilder organized the nude marathon. There was nothing really to laugh at, except for maybe one really fat and hairy guy.
The highs: 1 or 2 funny gags
The lows: American Pie without the Pie.
The Verdict: This movie's no American Pie. Tastes so bad makes a grown man cry.
My rating: D, 66.
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