Sahara

Where do I start with this stinker of a movie?

Sorry to say, but Sahara was a boring adventure. And "boring adventure" is an oxymoron. An adventure, by its definition, is an exciting undertaking. This movie was about as fun as watching a lecture about the proper ways to worship Allah and Mohammed. I hope I don't get burned alive in a protest over my metaphor.

Basically, the story is about Matthew McConaughey looking for an old Civil War ironclad warship called the CSS Texas that dissappeared about 150 years ago. McConaughey believes it's lost somewhere in the Sahara Desert and goes there to find it. Along the way, he hooks up with Penelope Cruz, a World Health Organization ("WHO") doctor who is trying to find out the source of a plague that is rapidly killing people in Nigeria. The movie is based on a novel of the same name.

The movie starts off with a scene of the CSS Texas in a Civil War battle. Then, it cuts into the opening credits with some really awful music. Nothing exciting happens for the first 40 minutes of the movie. I'm being totally serious. I kept watching it hoping that something interesting will happen. There was a decent boat chase scene after the first 40 minutes. Then, another series of long boring conversations ensued that put me to sleep.

The music in the movie sucked. It had no congruent theme. Sometimes, it played Nigerian tribal music, other times, it had random music from bad bands. I was hoping that this movie was going to be similar to Indiana Jones. Boy, was I disappointed.

I noticed that an epic adventure movie needs catchy theme music like Indiana Jones. Whenever you hear the music from Indiana Jones, you instantly recognize it and reminisce about your fond moments from the film. In this movie, and most movies you see today, you can hardly remember any of the music from the movie. Music is extremely important to building a memorable cinematic experience.

The acting was fine. I just thought the script and timing of the movie reeked. This Indiana Jones wannabe was neither fun nor funny. The first half of the movie was too serious and somber. Penelope was worried about people dying from a strange new disease. McConaughey blabbed on about why he believed the CSS Texas is lost in Nigeria. Geez, they spent a heck of a long time setting up the story, and then the second half of the movie turned out to be a ridiculous, mindless, nonsensical tale.

There were just a few decent action sequences. But we all know that a few good scenes does not a good action adventure film make.

The train heist by camelback was like a wild west train robbery Nigerian style. That was ok. The movie has somewhat satisfactory action scenes between the long periods of boredom. But, even the supposedly fun parts of the film are subpar compared to other action flicks.

McConaughey and his buddy go sailing across the desert on an old wrecked plane using one of its wings as a sail. Then, the '60's song, "Magic Carpet Ride" by Steppenwolf comes on.

The fighting scene on top of the giant solar energy plant with all those mirrors was okay, but not great.

McConaughey's sidekick takes out all the dynamite from the self-destruct device. When the plant's 5000 degree furnace goes on, his sidekick jumps and manages avoiding getting directly in the path of the flames. However, he was clearly close enough to become burnt barbeque. No one could survive 5000 degrees that close to the flames. You need to be like at least several yards away to avoid getting burnt. He walks away without even one hair singed. Nonsense!

The ending had the most action, but of course, was highly improbable. And, it wasn't even that good compared to better action movies.

Let me tell you about how improbable it was. When the trio was being chased in their car by the bad guy's helicopter, they throw the sticks of dynamite out the car. Miraculously, the explosions uncovers the Texas ironclad warship that they've been looking for. Wow!

The three of them run in and fire one of the ancient canons and blow up the bad guy's helicopter. Bah humbug!

The ending was closer to what an action adventure film should be, but the rest of the movie was hella boring. It looks like the director didn't know how he wanted to shoot this movie, so he tried using different techniques during different parts of the movie.

In the end, the story never really explains why or how the ironclad ended up in the Sahara. Also, the whole story about the CSS Texas is fake just like National Treasure telling false stories of actual historical events. The CSS Texas never disappeared. It actually never went into battle, but was sold. Why do they use real historical events, people, and things, and tell fake stories? I don't like that. It's better to just use make believe things set in historical times than use actual historical things people can research and find the truth about.

Highs: Acting ain't so bad. A few decent action sequences described above.

Lows: Bad story, script, timing, tone, setting, mood, music, no real theme, no emotion, and no direction. The good guys were boring. The bad guys' roles were so sanitized, I didn't even hate them. In the end, I didn't have any strong feelings for anybody.

The Verdict: From the photos, it seemed like a modern Indiana Jones adventure. However, it turns out the movie doesn't know what it wants to be. It turns out to be a very dull dud.

My rating: D-, 60.