Memoirs of a Geisha

This is a Japanese Cinderella-type story starring the girls from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The movie is beautifully shot, but the actors and actresses' fobby accents ruin it.

Ziyi Zhang stars as Sayuri. After their mom kicks the bucket, their poor fisherman bastard of a dad sells Zhang and her older sister to geisha houses.

Zhang runs around the streets trying to find her older sis until finally she finds her one day. Her sis tells her to meet her at the bridge the next day so that they can run away together. Zhang sneaks out in the middle of the night, but falls off the roof and gets hurt. Her sis runs away without her --never to be heard from ever again.

Now, Zhang is in deeper crap because she is in further debt to the mother geisha for her doctor's bills.

Zhang, who is about 12 years old, cries on a small bridge. Ken Watanabe sees her and buys her some cherry flavored shaved ice. She is so happy that someone in the world showed her some kindness that she falls in love with Ken. She vows to do whatever it takes to meet him again. That's pretty sick since Ken's kinda old. But, I guess guys like younger women.

Zhang grows up to be a beautiful geisha. She has green eyes or so they say. They keep saying her eyes look like water. Her eyes looked brown to me, just like all the other Asians. I've never seen any full Asian with green eyes before.

Michelle Yeoh takes Zhang under her wing as her older sister. She trains her how to be a true geisha. Michelle makes a bet with Zhang's mother geisha that Zhang will be able to pay off her debt within 6 months. If she loses, she'll pay twice her debt. That's a wager she can not turn down. It's a win win sitution for her. No one has ever paid off their debt so quickly. Not even, Michelle--who paid off her debt when she was 20! Amazing. That's a world record.

One day, Michelle and Ziyi walk down the street. A true geisha can make a man stop in his tracks with just one look. Ziyi flutters her eyes at one boy on a bike and he crashes into a chicken wagon. Ziyi now has the power of a geisha.

The baron is also enchanted by her performance. He asks her to go into his palace, 'cuz he has a beautiful kimono he wants to show her. What a dumb girl. Anybody knows that when someone wants to show a girl something in his place, he has some other plan in mind. The baron is apparently an expert in kimonos and taking them off. He keeps spinning her around until her kimono comes off and she's naked. Ziyi starts crying, "Please, don't rape me." The baron loves pretty girls. He wants to do it, but let's her go. Perhaps, he has sympathy for her since she's sobbing her eyes out. "Hmmphh." He thinks. "I usually always get what I want."

Later on, in order to raise funds to pay off her debt, Michelle tells Ziyi to flirt with all the powerful rich guys. They start a bidding war for her virginity. The old ass doctor wins, so he gets to sleep with her. When Ziyi goes back home, the mother geisha says that she is now a true geisha. Damn!

Meanwhile, Gong Li, who has been jealous of Ziyi ever since she was a little girl, has been spreading rumors of Ziyi's impurity. At first, the old doctor was disgusted because he heard that Ziyi slept with so many guys including smelly fishermen. After her knock-out geisha show starring Ziyi, she becomes Japan's most famous celebrity geisha. Geisha means an artist in Japanese. Geishas are not just your average ordinary prostitutes. They are highly skilled artists, singers, and dancers who specialize in entertaining rich and powerful men.

Ziyi gives a small red box to the old doctor, which means that she wants him, and whispers in his ear that she should listen to his own advice and seek a second opinion before making a judgment. They laugh and then the old grandpa takes her virginity as his prize.

Ziyi wants to hook up with Ken, but Ken wants to set her up with his burnt faced friend, because his friend saved his life during battle. Ken wants his burnt faced friend to be happy by getting laid by a pretty geisha.

The Americans come and occupy Japan. They introduce Ziyi to a wealthy white colonel and say that she is "The Mystery of the Orient". In one of the most awkward and corniest lines I've ever had to endure, Ziyi says in her broken Engrish, "Pehaps you can be the one to solve the mystery." Ah ha ha! What the hell kinda lame line is that?

I think they've taken the geisha as a master haiku poet and conversationalist thing too far in this movie. Some of the lines were just too awkward in this movie. It might have made a good book, but it was too contrived as lines in a movie.

I thought the acting was good. It was just the fact that they had to speak in their broken Engrish that made it awkward to watch.

Going back to where I left off, at the hot tub scene (there's no full nudity, by the way), Ziyi comes up with a plan to make the burnt faced guy jealous and not like her anymore. The burnt faced guy wants her all to himself. Ziyi asks her friend Pumpkin to bring the burnt faced guy to her room at exactly 9 o'clock. Ziyi starts taking off the white colonel's pants in a hurry. He starts trying to have sex with her and then she tells him to wait. She's trying to time it exactly so that the burnt faced guy will walk in on them right when they're about to do it. She doesn't want to have actual sex with the white colonel. But, she can't hold him back. He starts doing his nasty thing to her. Then, Ken walks in on them. Ziyi is shocked. She asks Pumpkin why she brought Ken instead of Ken's burnt faced friend. Pumpkin replies that she wants her to feel how she felt when Ziyi took the only thing that mattered to her away from her many years ago when they were kids. Ziyi became adopted by the mother geisha and Pumpkin's chance was lost when Ziyi became so successful. Ahhh, sweet revenge.

Ziyi lost all hope one by one just like how the cherry blossom leaves fall off one by one during winter. So poetic.

One day, Ken visits her in the cherry blossom garden. She tells him how she fell in love with him as a little kid when he bought her that cherry flavored shaved ice. Everything she did in her life was done in order to help her meet him again. She gave all her money to Buddha after he bought her that shaved ice. She prayed to Buddha to let her meet him once again. Buddha answered her prayers. Praise Buddha!

Ken says that he always knew that it was her. In fact, he was the patron that helped her when she was growing up. Oh my gosh! How sweet! They kiss and walk through the garden.


This movie was beautiful to look at. The scenery was breathtaking. The geishas in the movie were nice to look at too. I've always thought geishas were ugly when I saw pictures of them before. They looked like Japanese female clowns to me. I just didn't like their nasty white make up. I like women to look natural.

The Highs: Beautiful scenery, artistically crafted, good acting.

The Lows: Chinglish accents. The books poetic writing didn't work well as lines for the movie. Their lines were awkward.

The Verdict: Japanese Cinderella story. She's not pure as Snow White though.

My rating: 75, C.