There are two nuns taking a walk. One of them is known as Sister
> Mathematical(SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It
is
>
> getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
>
> SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
> thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
>
> SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
>
> SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.
What
> can we do?
>
> SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
>
> SM: It's not working
>
> SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
> started to walk faster too.
>
> SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
>
> SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll
> go this way. He cannot follow us both.
>
> So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical
arrives
> at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then
> Sister Logical arrives.
>
> SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
>
> SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,
so
> he followed me.
>
> SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
>
> SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could
> and he started to run as fast as he could.
>
> SM: And?
>
> SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
>
> SM: What did you do?
>
> SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
>
> SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
>
> SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
>
> SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
>
> SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than
> a man with his pants down........
>
> And those of you who thought it would be dirty, Pray for forgiveness
you
> heathens!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Nursing Home
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her
> > > wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going
down
> > > the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am
but
> > > you were speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?" She digs
around
> > > in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to
him.
> > > He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up
and
> > > down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of
a
> > > room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center
>line
>
> > > back there." "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around
in
> > > her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He
> > > looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She
> > > zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she
comes
>to
> > > the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an
> > > erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no
-
> > > not the Breathalyzer again!"
> > > wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going
down
> > > the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am
but
> > > you were speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?" She digs
around
> > > in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to
him.
> > > He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up
and
> > > down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of
a
> > > room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center
>line
>
> > > back there." "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around
in
> > > her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He
> > > looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She
> > > zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she
comes
>to
> > > the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an
> > > erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no
-
> > > not the Breathalyzer again!"
Riddle of the Day
A RIDDLE THAT'LL KILL YOUR BRAIN! This is going to make you so MAD!
There are three words in "the English language" that end in "gry". ONE is
angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and
what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very
carefully, I've given you the third word.
What is it?
_______gry?
[Edit: Okay, I know that this stupid riddle has some of you baffled. I put a link to a site that gives you an explanation. You may not like it, but it is an explanation, nontheless.]
There are three words in "the English language" that end in "gry". ONE is
angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and
what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very
carefully, I've given you the third word.
What is it?
_______gry?
[Edit: Okay, I know that this stupid riddle has some of you baffled. I put a link to a site that gives you an explanation. You may not like it, but it is an explanation, nontheless.]
'Twas The Night Before Christmas, Ebonics Version
Twas da night befo' Christmas and all in the hood
Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good
The tube socks was hung on the window sill
and we all had smiles up on our grill
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib
in the back bedroom cuz that's how we live
and moms in her do-rag and me with my nine
had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine
All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by
Bumpin phat beats cuz the system's fly
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'
Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's--
well anyway
I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!
She said, Stop frontin just mind yo' bidness
I said, for real doe, come check dis out
We weren't even buggin, no worries, no doubt
Cuz bumpin an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh
Da beats was kickin, da ride was phat
I said, Yo red Dawg, you all that!
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,
"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!
To the top of the projects and across the strip mall,
We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"
He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof
and sippin on a 40, he busted a move
I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"
he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings
a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
he slid down the fire escape smoove as a cat
and busted the window with a b-ball bat
I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
he said,"You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old
He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his god toof
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie with rims made of chrome
To tap that booty waitin at home
and all I heard as he cruised outta sight
was a loud and hearty.....
"WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"
Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good
The tube socks was hung on the window sill
and we all had smiles up on our grill
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib
in the back bedroom cuz that's how we live
and moms in her do-rag and me with my nine
had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine
All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by
Bumpin phat beats cuz the system's fly
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'
Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's--
well anyway
I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!
She said, Stop frontin just mind yo' bidness
I said, for real doe, come check dis out
We weren't even buggin, no worries, no doubt
Cuz bumpin an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh
Da beats was kickin, da ride was phat
I said, Yo red Dawg, you all that!
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,
"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!
To the top of the projects and across the strip mall,
We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"
He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof
and sippin on a 40, he busted a move
I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"
he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings
a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
he slid down the fire escape smoove as a cat
and busted the window with a b-ball bat
I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
he said,"You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old
He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his god toof
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie with rims made of chrome
To tap that booty waitin at home
and all I heard as he cruised outta sight
was a loud and hearty.....
"WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"
Computer Problems?
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0".
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0 . And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail".
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Dear Desperate:
"First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system".
"Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download
Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should
then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5".
"But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files."
"Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0".
"In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally
recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7".
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0".
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0 . And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail".
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Dear Desperate:
"First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system".
"Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download
Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should
then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5".
"But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files."
"Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0".
"In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally
recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7".
Good Luck,
Tech Support
ASS STUDY
There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty
interesting.
85% of women think their ass is too big.......
10% of women think their ass is too little......
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married
him
anyway.
interesting.
85% of women think their ass is too big.......
10% of women think their ass is too little......
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married
him
anyway.
Da Police
A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman:
>
>Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
>
>Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
>Woman: Oh, I see.
>
>Officer: Can I see your license please?
>
>Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>
>Officer: Don't have one?
>
>Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.
>
>Officer: I see...can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
>
>Woman: I can't do that.
>
>Officer: Why not?
>
>Woman: I stole this car.
>
>Officer: Stole it?
>
>Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>
>Officer: You what?
>
>Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
>
>The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
>for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
>slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
>Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
>
>The woman steps out of her vehicle.
>
>Woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
>Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
>murdered the owner.
>
>Woman: Murdered the owner?
>
>Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?
>
>The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>
>Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>
>Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
>
>Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
>
>The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
>to
>the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the
>license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
>Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
>license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
>owner.
>Outraged Woman: OH? I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding,
>too!
>
>Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
>
>Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
>Woman: Oh, I see.
>
>Officer: Can I see your license please?
>
>Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>
>Officer: Don't have one?
>
>Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.
>
>Officer: I see...can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
>
>Woman: I can't do that.
>
>Officer: Why not?
>
>Woman: I stole this car.
>
>Officer: Stole it?
>
>Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>
>Officer: You what?
>
>Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
>
>The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
>for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
>slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
>Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
>
>The woman steps out of her vehicle.
>
>Woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
>Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
>murdered the owner.
>
>Woman: Murdered the owner?
>
>Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?
>
>The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>
>Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>
>Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
>
>Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
>
>The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
>to
>the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the
>license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
>Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
>license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
>owner.
>Outraged Woman: OH? I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding,
>too!
Y'allbonics
ANY GOOD SOUTH'NER WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN PEACHES
> > > >>WILL UNDERSTAND EVERY SINGLE WORD BELOW!
> > > >>
> > > >>The Association of Southern Schools has decided to
> > > pursue
> > > >>some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar
> > > pipeline
> > > >>through Washington designating Southern slang, or
> > > >>y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all
> > > Southern
> > > >>schools. The following are excerpts from the
> > > >>Y'allbonics/English dictionary.
> > > >>
> > > >>HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
> > > >>
> > > >>HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of
> > > greeting.
> > > >>Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?"
> > > >>
> > > >>BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to
> > > borrow."
> > > >>Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."
> > > >>
> > > >>JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida.
> > > >>Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from
> > > >>Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
> > > >>
> > > >>BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh.
> > > >>Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes
> > > went
> > > >>through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in
> > > >>improvements."
> > > >>
> > > >>MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My
> > > brother
> > > >>from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd
> > > from
> > > >>him in munts."
> > > >>
> > > >>THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah
> > > thank ah'll
> > > >>have a bare."
> > > >>
> > > >>BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of
> > > barley,
> > > >>hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a
> > > bare."
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas
> > > native.
> > > >>" Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
> > > >>
> > > >>RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin'
> > > bolts. Usage
> > > >>"I thank I left my ranch in the back of that
> > > pickup truck
> > > >>my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
> > > >>
> > > >>ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage
> > > "I
> > > >>sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
> > > pickup
> > > >>truck."
> > > >>
> > > >>FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my
> > > brother
> > > >>from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup
> > > truck,
> > > >>that thing's gonna catch far."
> > > >>
> > > >>TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope
> > > that
> > > >>brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar
> > > in my
> > > >>pickup truck."
> > > >>
> > > >>TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord
> > > willin' and
> > > >>the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that
> > > Eiffel
> > > >>Tire in Paris sometime."
> > > >>
> > > >>RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My
> > > grampaw
> > > >>retard at age 65."
> > > >>
> > > >>FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to
> > > engage in
> > > >>battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n,
> > > >>n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
> > > >>
> > > >>RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
> > > Usage
> > > >>"We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
> > > >>
> > > >>CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage "Just set
> > > that
> > > >>bare rat cheer."
> > > >>
> > > >>FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I
> > > cuddint
> > > >>unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some
> > > farn
> > > >>country."
> > > >>
> > > >>DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did,
> > > Jim."
> > > >>
> > > >>ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen.
> > > >>Usage "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!"
> > > >>
> > > >>BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage
> > > >>"Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
> > > >>
> > > >>JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage
> > > >>"Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job
> > > >>with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
> > > >>
> > > >>HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?"
> > > >>"Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a
> > > >>minnit'n 'is laf."
> > > >>
> > > >>SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".
> > > >>
> > > >>VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage
> > > >>"I ain't never seed New York City...view?"
> > > >>
> > > >>GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
> > > >>Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.
> > > >>WILL UNDERSTAND EVERY SINGLE WORD BELOW!
> > > >>
> > > >>The Association of Southern Schools has decided to
> > > pursue
> > > >>some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar
> > > pipeline
> > > >>through Washington designating Southern slang, or
> > > >>y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all
> > > Southern
> > > >>schools. The following are excerpts from the
> > > >>Y'allbonics/English dictionary.
> > > >>
> > > >>HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
> > > >>
> > > >>HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of
> > > greeting.
> > > >>Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?"
> > > >>
> > > >>BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to
> > > borrow."
> > > >>Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."
> > > >>
> > > >>JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida.
> > > >>Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from
> > > >>Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
> > > >>
> > > >>BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh.
> > > >>Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes
> > > went
> > > >>through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in
> > > >>improvements."
> > > >>
> > > >>MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My
> > > brother
> > > >>from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd
> > > from
> > > >>him in munts."
> > > >>
> > > >>THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah
> > > thank ah'll
> > > >>have a bare."
> > > >>
> > > >>BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of
> > > barley,
> > > >>hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a
> > > bare."
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas
> > > native.
> > > >>" Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
> > > >>
> > > >>RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin'
> > > bolts. Usage
> > > >>"I thank I left my ranch in the back of that
> > > pickup truck
> > > >>my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
> > > >>
> > > >>ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage
> > > "I
> > > >>sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
> > > pickup
> > > >>truck."
> > > >>
> > > >>FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my
> > > brother
> > > >>from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup
> > > truck,
> > > >>that thing's gonna catch far."
> > > >>
> > > >>TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope
> > > that
> > > >>brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar
> > > in my
> > > >>pickup truck."
> > > >>
> > > >>TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord
> > > willin' and
> > > >>the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that
> > > Eiffel
> > > >>Tire in Paris sometime."
> > > >>
> > > >>RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My
> > > grampaw
> > > >>retard at age 65."
> > > >>
> > > >>FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to
> > > engage in
> > > >>battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n,
> > > >>n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
> > > >>
> > > >>RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
> > > Usage
> > > >>"We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
> > > >>
> > > >>CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage "Just set
> > > that
> > > >>bare rat cheer."
> > > >>
> > > >>FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I
> > > cuddint
> > > >>unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some
> > > farn
> > > >>country."
> > > >>
> > > >>DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did,
> > > Jim."
> > > >>
> > > >>ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen.
> > > >>Usage "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!"
> > > >>
> > > >>BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage
> > > >>"Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
> > > >>
> > > >>JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage
> > > >>"Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job
> > > >>with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
> > > >>
> > > >>HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?"
> > > >>"Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a
> > > >>minnit'n 'is laf."
> > > >>
> > > >>SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".
> > > >>
> > > >>VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage
> > > >>"I ain't never seed New York City...view?"
> > > >>
> > > >>GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
> > > >>Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.
Men are Like
Men are like ... Laxatives ...They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they
are.
Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure
why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head
right
for your hips.
Men are like ... Coffee ... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep
you up
all night long.
Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2
off.
Men are like .. Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to
mature.
Men are like .. Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.
Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how
many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the
rest are
handicapped.
Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they
are.
Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure
why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head
right
for your hips.
Men are like ... Coffee ... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep
you up
all night long.
Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2
off.
Men are like .. Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to
mature.
Men are like .. Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.
Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how
many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the
rest are
handicapped.
How Many?
>>Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
>>
>>Now, think about it.....
>>
>>Ready???
>>
>>ARE YOU SURE???
>>
>>A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of
>>hares, and a fish no one can find.
>>
>>Now, think about it.....
>>
>>Ready???
>>
>>ARE YOU SURE???
>>
>>A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of
>>hares, and a fish no one can find.
NEW AESOP'S FABLE
AN OLD MAN, A
BOY AND A DONKEY
WERE GOING TO TOWN. THE BOY RODE ON
THE DONKEY AND THE
OLD MAN WALKED.
AS THEY WENT ALONG THEY PASSED
SOME PEOPLE WHO
REMARKED THAT IT
WAS A SHAME THE OLD MAN WAS WALKING
WHILE THE BOY WAS
RIDING.
THE MAN AND BOY THOUGHT MAYBE THE
CRITICS WERE RIGHT, SO
THEY CHANGED
POSITIONS.
LATER THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE WHO
REMARKED, "WHAT A SHAME! HE MAKES
THAT LITTLE BOY WALK." THEY DECIDED
THEY BOTH WOULD WALK!
SOON THEY PASSED SOME MORE PEOPLE
WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE STUPID TO
WALK WHEN THEY HAD A DECENT DONKEY
TO RIDE.
SO THEY BOTH RODE THE DONKEY!
NOW THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE WHO
SHAMED THEM BY SAYING, "HOW AWFUL TO
PUT SUCH A LOAD ON A POOR DONKEY!"
THE BOY AND MAN SAID THEY WERE
PROBABLY RIGHT, SO THEY DECIDED
TO CARRY THE DONKEY.
AS THEY CROSSED A BRIDGE, THEY LOST
THEIR GRIP ON
THE ANIMAL, AND HE FELL
INTO THE RIVER AND DROWNED.
THE MORAL OF
THE STORY?
IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE,
YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE
YOUR ASS.
BOY AND A DONKEY
WERE GOING TO TOWN. THE BOY RODE ON
THE DONKEY AND THE
OLD MAN WALKED.
AS THEY WENT ALONG THEY PASSED
SOME PEOPLE WHO
REMARKED THAT IT
WAS A SHAME THE OLD MAN WAS WALKING
WHILE THE BOY WAS
RIDING.
THE MAN AND BOY THOUGHT MAYBE THE
CRITICS WERE RIGHT, SO
THEY CHANGED
POSITIONS.
LATER THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE WHO
REMARKED, "WHAT A SHAME! HE MAKES
THAT LITTLE BOY WALK." THEY DECIDED
THEY BOTH WOULD WALK!
SOON THEY PASSED SOME MORE PEOPLE
WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE STUPID TO
WALK WHEN THEY HAD A DECENT DONKEY
TO RIDE.
SO THEY BOTH RODE THE DONKEY!
NOW THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE WHO
SHAMED THEM BY SAYING, "HOW AWFUL TO
PUT SUCH A LOAD ON A POOR DONKEY!"
THE BOY AND MAN SAID THEY WERE
PROBABLY RIGHT, SO THEY DECIDED
TO CARRY THE DONKEY.
AS THEY CROSSED A BRIDGE, THEY LOST
THEIR GRIP ON
THE ANIMAL, AND HE FELL
INTO THE RIVER AND DROWNED.
THE MORAL OF
THE STORY?
IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE,
YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE
YOUR ASS.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Korean New Year's
I pigged out again on Korean New Year's. I went to my parents' place for some Korean BBQ (Kal-bi) and Korean Traditional Rice Cake Soup (Dduk-gook). My mom kept telling me to eat more and so I obeyed. I paid for it later when I was trying to sleep. I was so stuffed I couldn't sleep. I always overeat. I have to control myself, but I lack the discipline to do so. I kept tossing and turning in bed. I even thought about going to work at midnight so I could get an early start.
I need to eat less and exercise more. That's the key to a long and healthy life.
I need to eat less and exercise more. That's the key to a long and healthy life.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
My Motobecane Nemesis triathlon bike soaking in the sun next to the office window on the 40th Floor.
I'm starting to bike to work again and it's awesome! I'm breaking all my old records that I had on my mountain bike. Now, my record is 29 minutes from my place to the office, which is about 9 and a half miles. I still need to train a lot more if I want to enter a triathlon. Those Tour de France riders can average 31 mph over 60 miles!
Valentine's Day is Not About Money
Here's a great article on Yahoo.com about how love should not be expressed in dollars, but in love. Somehow Valentine's Day has become a day for retailers to rip off guys by making them feel guilty for not buying diamonds, jewelry, chocolates, and flowers.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Korean Konglish Jokes
These are only funny for Koreans or those kyoppos like me who get them.
What do you call a pre-occupied bean? kong beejee
what do you call a broken bicycle? mot-tah-cycle
where do lettuces worship? at a sang-choo-ary (sanctuary)
what do you call a big napkin? HU-ji (huge)
wanna hear a family joke? gah joke
what did one forehead say to the other? .. ya eemah!
what do you call a smelly bird? nem seh
what do you call the burnt rice at the bottom of a rice cooker? bobby brown
what is the vampire's fav drink? koh-pee
why did the korean smoker go to the horseraces? mal-bo-ro
what did the small fish say when he got eaten by the big fish? Oh-dheng!!!
what did the byun tae say to the mushroom? oht buhsut!
what did the cat say to the sheep to make it go away? GO YANG EE!
what do you call a hairy robot? tul-min-a-tuh!
Why don't lobsters share? They are Shell-fish
What did the bread say when it ran into the wall... ppang!
What did a cookie say to another cookie when it wanted to leave...gwajah
What do you call a 5 year old onion? Oh-nyun
What celebrity can you trust with your luggage?Jjim Carrey
How did the ice cream get into a car accident?Cha Gah Wah Suh
What did the fish say when it lost its bones?Oh my ga shee
What do u call a corny soup?Ssulung tang
what did song say to mong when he told her he was leaving the country? donk-go, mong
What did the truck say to the bread? Bbang Bbang!
What do you call a cute guy with no ears? Gwee-up-dah!
What did the mama turkey say to the baby turkey? Gobble - ji- mah!
What do you call a pre-occupied bean? kong beejee
what do you call a broken bicycle? mot-tah-cycle
where do lettuces worship? at a sang-choo-ary (sanctuary)
what do you call a big napkin? HU-ji (huge)
wanna hear a family joke? gah joke
what did one forehead say to the other? .. ya eemah!
what do you call a smelly bird? nem seh
what do you call the burnt rice at the bottom of a rice cooker? bobby brown
what is the vampire's fav drink? koh-pee
why did the korean smoker go to the horseraces? mal-bo-ro
what did the small fish say when he got eaten by the big fish? Oh-dheng!!!
what did the byun tae say to the mushroom? oht buhsut!
what did the cat say to the sheep to make it go away? GO YANG EE!
what do you call a hairy robot? tul-min-a-tuh!
Why don't lobsters share? They are Shell-fish
What did the bread say when it ran into the wall... ppang!
What did a cookie say to another cookie when it wanted to leave...gwajah
What do you call a 5 year old onion? Oh-nyun
What celebrity can you trust with your luggage?Jjim Carrey
How did the ice cream get into a car accident?Cha Gah Wah Suh
What did the fish say when it lost its bones?Oh my ga shee
What do u call a corny soup?Ssulung tang
what did song say to mong when he told her he was leaving the country? donk-go, mong
What did the truck say to the bread? Bbang Bbang!
What do you call a cute guy with no ears? Gwee-up-dah!
What did the mama turkey say to the baby turkey? Gobble - ji- mah!
Cats and Dogs are Better Than Kids
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Dang Teens!
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had
sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had
sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Things That Are Certain In Life
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed man in his late 20s or early 30s. "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to have Jennifer," the man replied.
"Sir, Jennifer is one of our most expensive
ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,"
said the madam.
"No. I must have Jennifer," was the man's reply.
Just then, Jennifer appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 per trick.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Jennifer, and they went upstairs and after an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to have Jennifer.
Jennifer explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - Too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Jennifer and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Jennifer and they went upstairs.
After their session, Jennifer questioned the man. "No one has ever had me three nights in a row.
"Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Southern California."
"Really" she said. "I have family in Southern California."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
"Sir, Jennifer is one of our most expensive
ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,"
said the madam.
"No. I must have Jennifer," was the man's reply.
Just then, Jennifer appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 per trick.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Jennifer, and they went upstairs and after an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to have Jennifer.
Jennifer explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - Too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Jennifer and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Jennifer and they went upstairs.
After their session, Jennifer questioned the man. "No one has ever had me three nights in a row.
"Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Southern California."
"Really" she said. "I have family in Southern California."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
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