Wrestlemania's The Rock stars as a Conan the Barbarian wannabe in the Scorpion King. The Rock wants to be an actor, but nobody takes wrestlers seriously. Wrestlers like Jesse, "The Body" Ventura can only hope to become a politician. Only doing something as well respected as professional body building can lead to a successful career as an action adventure star.
And what the heck kind of name is "The Rock" anyway? I guess it's better than "Prince formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince," but friends, just simply call me "Prince."
Even though this is a silly cheesy popcorn film, I have to admit it had lots of fun action.
The Rock is pretty much invincible in this movie. He plays Mathayus, an Akkadian assassin, who is the last of his kind. They Akkadians have adopted New Hampshire's state motto as their own, "Live Free and Die Well."
The evil king Memnon wants to rule the entire desert and the last few tribes agree to be allies in order to stop Memnon. They hire The Rock to take him out.
He goes to the fabulous city of Gomorrah and the camera pans out to show the city in all its glory.
The Rock's first attempt at killing Memnon is unsuccessful. He gets captured and they bury him in the sand. Only his head sticks out in the hot sun. Big fire ants start crawling out and start swarming over him. He starts trying to smash them with his chin and bites them and chews them out. Things look hopeless though as he is soon going to be eaten alive. The horse thief that was buried next to him, escapes using his thievery skills +1. The horse thief rescues The Rock. The Rock repays him by knocking his lights out.
Then The Rock and the horse thief go back to Gomorrah. The horse thief sees the magnificent sin city and says that there is no greater city than Gomorrah. . .except maybe Sodom.
In one scene, The Rock acts like Riddick when he kills off Memnon's soldiers one by one in the sandstorm and in the dark cave. Somehow that leather mask gives him special sand vision so he could see in the sand storm when others can not.
The Rock gets stabbed by an arrowhead laced with scorpion venom. He is saved by Memnon's half naked sorcerer, Cassandra (Kelly Hu). A boy makes a wish and throws a coin into the wishing well and Kelly Hu comes out of the water naked covered only by her hair. The boy says, "The gods be praised!"
The Rock fights Green Mile giant Michael Clark Duncan who plays Balthazar, a scar faced Nubian. Balthazar fights just as well as the Rock. The Rock earns his respect and they team up together to bring Memnon down.
The Rock loves to ride his trusty camel into battle even though they're slower than horses, because they're much smarter. The Rock kept sweet talking to his camel. I guess he liked those lovely camel humps.
Memnon is a great warrior himself. He can deflect arrows with his swords as if they were merely spit balls. But, in the end, The Rock gets so very very mad that he bends his bow back further than he's ever done before. The arrow goes so fast into Memnon's chest that Memnon couldn't even deflect it this time even with 2 swords.
The Rock becomes the new king of Gomorrah, the Scorpion King. Kelly Hu becomes his queen. The Rock asks the sorceress to use her powers to see if their kingdom of peace and free love and sex will last forever. She says that "All kingdoms will come to an end. That is the destiny of all kingdoms." The Scorpion King replies, "Then we will make our own destiny."
But, we all know what happens to his kingdom in the end. YHWH god totally destroys the wicked sin cities of Sodom and Gomorrah where free love and sex in the city streets reign. Even though it's a glorious city in man's eyes. It's an aberration in YHWH god's eyes.
The credits roll and loud crappy noise they call heavy metal music from Smackdown! starts playing. Blah!sphemy!
The Highs: Fun fighting action. The Sorceress' outfit.
The Lows: As intelligent as your typical Wrestlemania fans. (Wrestling is real, man.)
The Verdict: Conan The Rock(y) (Barbarian) lives on.
My rating: B-, 80.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Monday, April 10, 2006
Lugeboarding Down Chinatown
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| Free video hosting, video codes at www.vidiLife.com |
Here, I go again! I'm lugeboarding down the residential streets of Chinatown. There's some pretty good hills on the top, but there's so many stop signs and bad drivers there. (Well, I usually try to blow through the stopsigns if I can.)
I hit the Honda Accord at the end of my run. It's hard to see, because of all the shadows and because the video host (vidiLife) makes all the videos much darker. You can hear me grunt a little at the end when I hit the bumper of the car, but, I'm okay. Thankfully, it was at the end of my run and not when I was going down at full speed.
We've been driving around the entire L.A. County to find a nice home to buy. All the homes are either way too expensive or crappy. A lot of times they're both. I can't believe how frustrating it is to find a decent affordable home. Who can buy a house during these times of crazy real estate prices? We're both professionals and we still can't find a decent single family home to buy. Are all the people buying homes extremely wealthy or are they all getting interest-only loans? Here's a picture of one townhome we stopped by to look at in Glendale. I thought it was one of our better prospects. It was a 3 bedroom for about $550,000. It's not that big, but it's close by the Galleria. Other townhomes are more expensive. Cheaper ones are right next to the freeway. Single family homes we've looked at are old nasty money-pits, but they're still really expensive. What should first time buyers do?
Nothing Will Be Impossible With God
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| Free video hosting, video codes at www.vidiLife.com |
Here's a short clip of our 2nd Grade Sunday School kids singing the song, "Nothing Will Be Impossible With God". The song is about god, not Kim Possible. For some strange reason, there's a lot of people looking for bizarre lewd Kim Possible videos and pictures on my site.
We had a bunch of kids missing this past Sunday. They must be partying hard during spring break or something. I will take some more pictures of the kids when they're all here. I kinda put the kids on the spot when I videotaped them, because our kids don't really like to sing these songs that much. It's a new song. They like to sing songs that they've heard before.
They weren't very hyper because Sarah was there. Whenever she's there, the kids behave. When I'm teaching by myself, they're super hyper.
When Sarah told them to not act hyper during class, Austin "Sugarboy" said, "But I'm not acting crazy today." He's always a funny kid. When Sarah said that god has the power to heal, she asked them what powers they wished they had.
Austin said, "I wish I had super speed."
Sarah: Why?
Austin: So that I can save the world.
The kids start laughing.
Can Praying Actually Hurt Others?
In an ABC News article about a study on prayer's effects on the health of heart surgery patients, it reported that they found no effects of prayer's healing powers.
This study goes against the testimonies of thousands of people at church that say that they have been healed through the miracles of prayer. There have been many other studies in the past that have tested the effects of prayer. Some support the claim that praying can heal and other studies have found no effects. This study has found results that show that prayers can actually cause more complications to patients who know that they are being prayed for by others. I've heard of other studies that show that religious people actually live longer. What are your thoughts?
Here is the article:
Study: Prayer Won't Affect Heart Patients
by Malcolm Ritter
NEW YORK Mar 31, 2006 (AP)— Does praying for a sick person's recovery do any good? In the largest scientific test of its kind, heart surgery patients showed no benefit when strangers prayed for their recovery.
And patients who knew they were being prayed for had a slightly higher rate of complications. The researchers could only guess why.
Several scientists questioned the concept of the study. Science "is not designed to study the supernatural," said Dr. Harold G. Koenig, director of the Center for Spirituality, Theology and Health at the Duke University Medical Center.
The researchers who tested the power of prayer emphasized that their $2.4 million study could not address whether God exists or answers prayers made on another's behalf. The study could look only for effects from the specific prayers offered as part of the research, they said.
The highly anticipated study "did not move us forward or backward" in understanding the effects of prayer, said Dr. Charles Bethea, a co-author and cardiologist at the Integris Baptist Medical Center in Oklahoma City. "Intercessory prayer under our restricted format had a neutral effect."
Dr. Herbert Benson of Harvard Medical School, co-principal investigator of the study, agreed. "We cannot come to a conclusion, except to say that by this study design, with its limitations, this is what we found."
The researchers also said they didn't know why patients who knew they were being prayed for had a higher rate of complications than patients who only knew that such prayers were a possibility.
Maybe they became anxious by the knowledge that they'd been selected for prayers, Bethea said: "Did the patients think, 'I am so sick that they had to call in the prayer team?'"
The researchers said family and friends shouldn't be discouraged from telling a patient about their plans to pray for a good recovery.
Experts called it the largest and best-designed study ever to test the medical effects of intercessory prayers praying on behalf of someone else. That's different from studying the effect of a person's prayers and spiritual practices on his or her own health; many studies of that have shown a positive effect.
The new study followed about 1,800 patients at six medical centers. It was financed by the Templeton Foundation, which supports research into science and religion, and one of the participating hospitals. It will appear in Tuesday's issue of the American Heart Journal.
The research team tested the effect of having three Christian groups pray for particular patients, starting the night before surgery and continuing for two weeks. The volunteers prayed for "a successful surgery with a quick, healthy recovery and no complications" for specific patients their identities known only by first name and first initial of the last name.
The patients, meanwhile, were split into three groups of about 600 apiece: those who knew they were being prayed for, those who were prayed for but only knew it was a possibility, and those who weren't prayed for but were told it was a possibility.
The researchers didn't ask patients or their families and friends to alter any plans they had for prayer, saying such a step would have been unethical and impractical.
The study looked for any complications within 30 days of the surgery. Results showed no effect of prayer on complication-free recovery. But among patients who did receive prayers, 59 percent of the patients who knew they were being prayed for developed a complication, versus 52 percent of those who were told it was just a possibility.
Paul Kurtz, professor emeritus of philosophy at the State University of New York at Buffalo, and chairman of the Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal, had a blunt response when asked why he thought the study found no effect of prayer.
"Because there is none," he said. "That would be one answer."
He added that while he tries to keep an open mind, he's seen no good evidence for such an effect in past studies. The new work, he said, "gives added emphasis to those who have been skeptical."
Koenig, of Duke University Medical Center, who didn't take part in the study, said the results didn't surprise him.
"There are no scientific grounds to expect a result and there are no real theological grounds to expect a result either," he said. "There is no god in either the Christian, Jewish or Muslim scriptures that can be constrained to the point that they can be predicted."
Within the Christian tradition, God would be expected to be concerned with a person's eternal salvation, he said, and "why would God change his plans for a particular person just because they're in a research study?"
Dr. David Stevens, executive director of the Christian Medical and Dental Associations, said he believes intercessory prayer can influence medical outcomes, but that science is not equipped to explore it.
"Do we control God through prayer? Theologians would say absolutely not. God decides sometimes to intervene, and sometimes not," he said.
As for the new study, he said, "I don't think … it's going to stop people praying for the sick."
This study goes against the testimonies of thousands of people at church that say that they have been healed through the miracles of prayer. There have been many other studies in the past that have tested the effects of prayer. Some support the claim that praying can heal and other studies have found no effects. This study has found results that show that prayers can actually cause more complications to patients who know that they are being prayed for by others. I've heard of other studies that show that religious people actually live longer. What are your thoughts?
Here is the article:
Study: Prayer Won't Affect Heart Patients
by Malcolm Ritter
NEW YORK Mar 31, 2006 (AP)— Does praying for a sick person's recovery do any good? In the largest scientific test of its kind, heart surgery patients showed no benefit when strangers prayed for their recovery.
And patients who knew they were being prayed for had a slightly higher rate of complications. The researchers could only guess why.
Several scientists questioned the concept of the study. Science "is not designed to study the supernatural," said Dr. Harold G. Koenig, director of the Center for Spirituality, Theology and Health at the Duke University Medical Center.
The researchers who tested the power of prayer emphasized that their $2.4 million study could not address whether God exists or answers prayers made on another's behalf. The study could look only for effects from the specific prayers offered as part of the research, they said.
The highly anticipated study "did not move us forward or backward" in understanding the effects of prayer, said Dr. Charles Bethea, a co-author and cardiologist at the Integris Baptist Medical Center in Oklahoma City. "Intercessory prayer under our restricted format had a neutral effect."
Dr. Herbert Benson of Harvard Medical School, co-principal investigator of the study, agreed. "We cannot come to a conclusion, except to say that by this study design, with its limitations, this is what we found."
The researchers also said they didn't know why patients who knew they were being prayed for had a higher rate of complications than patients who only knew that such prayers were a possibility.
Maybe they became anxious by the knowledge that they'd been selected for prayers, Bethea said: "Did the patients think, 'I am so sick that they had to call in the prayer team?'"
The researchers said family and friends shouldn't be discouraged from telling a patient about their plans to pray for a good recovery.
Experts called it the largest and best-designed study ever to test the medical effects of intercessory prayers praying on behalf of someone else. That's different from studying the effect of a person's prayers and spiritual practices on his or her own health; many studies of that have shown a positive effect.
The new study followed about 1,800 patients at six medical centers. It was financed by the Templeton Foundation, which supports research into science and religion, and one of the participating hospitals. It will appear in Tuesday's issue of the American Heart Journal.
The research team tested the effect of having three Christian groups pray for particular patients, starting the night before surgery and continuing for two weeks. The volunteers prayed for "a successful surgery with a quick, healthy recovery and no complications" for specific patients their identities known only by first name and first initial of the last name.
The patients, meanwhile, were split into three groups of about 600 apiece: those who knew they were being prayed for, those who were prayed for but only knew it was a possibility, and those who weren't prayed for but were told it was a possibility.
The researchers didn't ask patients or their families and friends to alter any plans they had for prayer, saying such a step would have been unethical and impractical.
The study looked for any complications within 30 days of the surgery. Results showed no effect of prayer on complication-free recovery. But among patients who did receive prayers, 59 percent of the patients who knew they were being prayed for developed a complication, versus 52 percent of those who were told it was just a possibility.
Paul Kurtz, professor emeritus of philosophy at the State University of New York at Buffalo, and chairman of the Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal, had a blunt response when asked why he thought the study found no effect of prayer.
"Because there is none," he said. "That would be one answer."
He added that while he tries to keep an open mind, he's seen no good evidence for such an effect in past studies. The new work, he said, "gives added emphasis to those who have been skeptical."
Koenig, of Duke University Medical Center, who didn't take part in the study, said the results didn't surprise him.
"There are no scientific grounds to expect a result and there are no real theological grounds to expect a result either," he said. "There is no god in either the Christian, Jewish or Muslim scriptures that can be constrained to the point that they can be predicted."
Within the Christian tradition, God would be expected to be concerned with a person's eternal salvation, he said, and "why would God change his plans for a particular person just because they're in a research study?"
Dr. David Stevens, executive director of the Christian Medical and Dental Associations, said he believes intercessory prayer can influence medical outcomes, but that science is not equipped to explore it.
"Do we control God through prayer? Theologians would say absolutely not. God decides sometimes to intervene, and sometimes not," he said.
As for the new study, he said, "I don't think … it's going to stop people praying for the sick."
Friday, April 07, 2006
A History of Violence
I'm a nice family man. Don't piss me off. Don't make me go violent on your ass.
Viggo Mortenson stars as Tom Stall, a nice quiet peace loving family man. He has a lovely lawyer wife and two great kids. They live in a small town in Indiana where everybody knows everyone else's names.
One day, 2 cold blooded killers come in to Tom's diner and cause trouble. One thug grope's his waitresses breasts and points a gun to her head. Tom instinctively turns violent and kills them. He becomes a local hero and is on the news. Tom doesn't want the attention. He says anyone would have done the same thing if they were in the same situation.
Later, a mafia crimelord and his posse come to his diner and say, "Where've you been Joey?" Tom says he's not Joey and has never been to Philly. Tom starts getting paranoid when he sees the mafia's black car again the next day. The mafia guys show up once more and drive up to his house in an appropriate gangsta car, the Chrysler 300C. The mafia thugs kidnap his teenage son and tells Tom to get in the car. Tom goes into killer mode and kills the bodyguards, but he gets shot. Tom lies on the ground and is about to be killed by his old archenemy, the mafia boss with the jacked up eyeball, when his teenage boy suddenly shows up and shoots the badguy with a shotgun. Like father, like son.
Apparently, Tom really did have a hidden past. He used to be Joey Cusack, a former Hitman. His wife is really upset because he has never told her and feels like she's been living a lie all these years. His son is starting to disrespect his old man now too. (I really hate teenagers. That's why I don't want to have any bratty kids.)
Tom's wife slaps his face, and the old Joey starts coming out again. He rapes his wife on the staircase, but then it looks like she still had a happy ending. Later she walks by naked without saying a word, because she's still pissed at him. Then, his brother calls. He says, "Are you going to come and visit me or do I have to go visit you?" So, Tom/Joey goes to visit him. His brother is also a mafia crime boss living in a mansion. He kisses Joey and says why haven't you called me, bro? You've cost me a heck of a lot when you ripped the nasty mafia boss' eye out with barbed wire and ran off. You cost me a lot! Then, his brother tells his henchman to kill his own brother. Tom/Joey destroys them all and shoots his brother's brains out.
He goes back home during dinner time. His wife starts praying. Everyone is silent. Then, his little girl sets a dinner plate for him. Tom sits down. Fin.
I thought this was a very good psychological thriller. It makes you think about the cost and the effects of violence in a man and his family's life. The music was appropriately moody and tense. The acting was great. You can really see the stress that went on in the family.
I can't believe they just had sex on the stairway like that. What if the kids walked in on them. That would cause more trauma to the children than any violence they would ever witness!
Also, there was one moment of overacting by Tom's wife when she found out that Tom really was a Hitman before. She started throwing up right when she heard him confirm that. Would that happen? Maybe women really do get that upset.
I would be proud of what the son did to that high school bully. Reminds me of myself. When some @##hole kept picking on me, eventually I would crack and beat the $hit out of him. Which is exactly what the son did. I guess anger, violence, and fighting abilities are genetic. The kid looked like a wuss, but he can pack a wallop. That's my boy. You've got to watch out for lawsuits though.
The Highs: Great acting, very tense. A good in depth psychological study of violence and its effects on people.
The Lows: Hella boring beginning, especially the first scene where the bad guys talk in their car.
The Verdict: Don't get my daddy mad, or he'll take you out.
My rating: A, 91.
Viggo Mortenson stars as Tom Stall, a nice quiet peace loving family man. He has a lovely lawyer wife and two great kids. They live in a small town in Indiana where everybody knows everyone else's names.
One day, 2 cold blooded killers come in to Tom's diner and cause trouble. One thug grope's his waitresses breasts and points a gun to her head. Tom instinctively turns violent and kills them. He becomes a local hero and is on the news. Tom doesn't want the attention. He says anyone would have done the same thing if they were in the same situation.
Later, a mafia crimelord and his posse come to his diner and say, "Where've you been Joey?" Tom says he's not Joey and has never been to Philly. Tom starts getting paranoid when he sees the mafia's black car again the next day. The mafia guys show up once more and drive up to his house in an appropriate gangsta car, the Chrysler 300C. The mafia thugs kidnap his teenage son and tells Tom to get in the car. Tom goes into killer mode and kills the bodyguards, but he gets shot. Tom lies on the ground and is about to be killed by his old archenemy, the mafia boss with the jacked up eyeball, when his teenage boy suddenly shows up and shoots the badguy with a shotgun. Like father, like son.
Apparently, Tom really did have a hidden past. He used to be Joey Cusack, a former Hitman. His wife is really upset because he has never told her and feels like she's been living a lie all these years. His son is starting to disrespect his old man now too. (I really hate teenagers. That's why I don't want to have any bratty kids.)
Tom's wife slaps his face, and the old Joey starts coming out again. He rapes his wife on the staircase, but then it looks like she still had a happy ending. Later she walks by naked without saying a word, because she's still pissed at him. Then, his brother calls. He says, "Are you going to come and visit me or do I have to go visit you?" So, Tom/Joey goes to visit him. His brother is also a mafia crime boss living in a mansion. He kisses Joey and says why haven't you called me, bro? You've cost me a heck of a lot when you ripped the nasty mafia boss' eye out with barbed wire and ran off. You cost me a lot! Then, his brother tells his henchman to kill his own brother. Tom/Joey destroys them all and shoots his brother's brains out.
He goes back home during dinner time. His wife starts praying. Everyone is silent. Then, his little girl sets a dinner plate for him. Tom sits down. Fin.
I thought this was a very good psychological thriller. It makes you think about the cost and the effects of violence in a man and his family's life. The music was appropriately moody and tense. The acting was great. You can really see the stress that went on in the family.
I can't believe they just had sex on the stairway like that. What if the kids walked in on them. That would cause more trauma to the children than any violence they would ever witness!
Also, there was one moment of overacting by Tom's wife when she found out that Tom really was a Hitman before. She started throwing up right when she heard him confirm that. Would that happen? Maybe women really do get that upset.
I would be proud of what the son did to that high school bully. Reminds me of myself. When some @##hole kept picking on me, eventually I would crack and beat the $hit out of him. Which is exactly what the son did. I guess anger, violence, and fighting abilities are genetic. The kid looked like a wuss, but he can pack a wallop. That's my boy. You've got to watch out for lawsuits though.
The Highs: Great acting, very tense. A good in depth psychological study of violence and its effects on people.
The Lows: Hella boring beginning, especially the first scene where the bad guys talk in their car.
The Verdict: Don't get my daddy mad, or he'll take you out.
My rating: A, 91.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Spring Waltz
"Spring Waltz". ("Bohm Eh Waltz").
This Korean video that my wife likes to watch, and which I sometimes watch after washing the dishes and stuff, is about two childhood sweethearts that promise they'll always love each other.
She tells him, "Even though you become a gangster or a liar, I'll always love you." Now that's unconditional love.
Well, as always after the first episode, they grow up. After years of being separated, the sweetheart boy and sweetheart girl meet again. The boy was adopted by a rich family, and he never was able to see her again until recently. But now that they're all grown up and after many years have passed, they don't even recognize each other. This new Korean dude from America ("Konglish dude" or "Kyoppo"), who can't speak a jack's worth of Korean, meets sweetheart girl and falls in love with her. The Korean American Konglish dude is sweetheart boy's best friend. However, the sweetheart boy starts falling in love with the girl too. What should he do? He has to respect his best friend, but at the same time he loves this beautiful hottie too. Sometimes, all's fair in love and war. You have to do what you have to do for love. Konglish stud can't believe his best friend betrayed him. But at the same time, there's this other chick that loves the Konglish stud and she's jealous of the girl. She wants Konglish stud all for herself. Meanwhile sweetheart girl is confused. Why are all the boys after me? Do they just like me for my drop dead gorgeous looks? What do they want from me? While each of them tries to answer their own universe shattering questions, will the forces of nature ever reunite sweetheart boy and girl together? Will sweetheart boy and sweetheart girl ever discover that they were long lost childhoood sweethearts? Stay tuned and find out!
Don't Worry!
"Don't Worry!" ("Guk Jung Ha Ji Ma!") This Korean drama is about this young girl who falls for this older dude. Her mom disapproves, because he's her age and he used to be her mom's friend. What a bastard! Dating your friend's daughter?!!!! Well, the bastard is a rich doctor after all. If he still has game, then he should still be a playa, right? Heartache and hilarity ensue.
Can Love Be Refeeled?
Can Love Be Refeeled? Refilled? (Sarang Do Refeel Ee Dae Nah Yo?) That title is so Fobby. (F.O.B.=Fresh off the Boat. Meaning recent immigrant to the United States. Kids of old school immigrants use this term to mock fobs who come here with disdain b/c they suck at English.) This Korean Drama is about this girl who has to choose between her old flame and her new lover.
The old flame challenges her new lover to basketball, swimming, racquetball, and boxing contests, but he gets his ass kicked.
"Which one should I choose? The new guy is smarter, better looking, and pretty much better at everything than my old ex, but I still have feelings for the bastard."
I suspect, judging from the title, we already know who she'll choose. But, it's still going to take about a hundred episodes or so to find out. After all, the answers to life and love's difficult questions doesn't get solved that easily, am I right?
Unusual Woman Unusual Man
("Byul Nan Yuh Ja Byul Nan Nam Ja") "Unusual Woman Unusual Man."
I'm not sure if I translated the title correctly, but I think that sounds right. When I used Alta Vista Babel Fish, it translated the title as, "Peculiar Woman Peculiar Man." Now, I think that sounds a lot worse! My wife and I like to watch Korean videos (mostly my wife). I still like watching good ol' Hollywood films. I miss watching my favorite Korean actress, Kim Hee Sun, when she starred in all these fantastic miniseries (dramas that are usually less than 20 episodes long). You can watch the videos online on www.kbs.co.kr. If you don't read Korean, then you might want to ask a pretty Korean girl (or guy) to help you.
Anyway, this drama is about one adopted girl who falls in love with this rich dude. The rich guy had been dating this other rich girl. The rich guy's cousin is hopelessly in love with the rich girl. And the rich guy starts falling in love with the orphan girl. The rich guy's family disapproves of this adopted riff raff girl with no parents. Heartache and hilarity ensue.
If you have time to watch it, then go for it. Most Korean dramas are sometimes hundreds of episodes in length. Just like all the other long Korean dramas out there, you don't have to watch all of them to know what's going on. They have lots of flashbacks and stuff like that.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
The New Church Minister
A new church minister at his first worship service was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the worship service, he asked the reverend how he had done.
The reverend replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the reverend's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the worship service, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry.
13) The recommended prayer before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
The reverend replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the reverend's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the worship service, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry.
13) The recommended prayer before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
Superman
One day Superman is flying around and he is horny as hell. So he starts flying all over the city looking for a nice girl to screw. Then, all of a sudden, he sees Wonder Woman on the roof of the Justice Leage tanning herself... and not only is she completely naked, but she has her legs spread wide open like she's just asking for it!
"Man...", Superman thinks to himself, "I have got to get me some of that Wonder-p**sy!". Then he realizes that he's Superman! He's faster than a speeding bullet! He could probably fly down there, do his business, then fly away before Wonder Woman even realized what was going on.
So he gets himself ready, flies down to the roof of the Justice League, has his way with Wonder Woman, and flies away before she could even see him.
So all of a sudden Wonder Woman bolts straight up in her chair and yells "What the hell was that!"
And the Invisible Man says, "I have no idea, but my ass is killing me!"
"Man...", Superman thinks to himself, "I have got to get me some of that Wonder-p**sy!". Then he realizes that he's Superman! He's faster than a speeding bullet! He could probably fly down there, do his business, then fly away before Wonder Woman even realized what was going on.
So he gets himself ready, flies down to the roof of the Justice League, has his way with Wonder Woman, and flies away before she could even see him.
So all of a sudden Wonder Woman bolts straight up in her chair and yells "What the hell was that!"
And the Invisible Man says, "I have no idea, but my ass is killing me!"
New Modern English Language Dictionary
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots
Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with
Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six
Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does
Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government official
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots
Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with
Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six
Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does
Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government official
Perfume
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish downtown Los Angeles City
building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the
elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and
says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then
another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also
very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5,
$200 an ounce." About three floors later, the old woman has
reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, makes a giant fart,
then says,.........................
"Beans and Broccoli...... 49 cents a pound."
building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the
elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and
says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then
another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also
very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5,
$200 an ounce." About three floors later, the old woman has
reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, makes a giant fart,
then says,.........................
"Beans and Broccoli...... 49 cents a pound."
A Cowboy in a Gay Bar
A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink. "The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" the fella proudly replies, "'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "Quality is Job One." "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' "And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!!!
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" the fella proudly replies, "'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "Quality is Job One." "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' "And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!!!
State Mottos
State Mottos
Alabama
>Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
>Alaska
>11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
>Arizona
>But It's A Dry Heat....
>Arkansas
>Literacy Ain't Everything.
>California
>By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
>Colorado
>If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
>Connecticut
>Like Massachusetts,
>Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
>Delaware
>We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
>Florida
>Ask Us About Our Grandkids.
>Georgia
>We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
>Hawaii
>Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
>(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)
>Idaho
>More Than Just Potatoes...
>Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
>Illinois
>Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
>Indiana
>2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
>Iowa
>We Do Amazing Things With Corn
>Kansas
>First Of The Rectangle States
>Kentucky
>Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
>Louisiana
>We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
>But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
>Maine
>We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
>Maryland
>If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
>Massachusetts
>Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
>Michigan
>First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
>Minnesota
>10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
>Mississippi
>Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
>Missouri
>Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
>Montana
>Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
>and Very Little Else.
>Nebraska
>Ask About Our State Motto Contest
>Nevada
>Hookers and Poker!
>New Hampshire
>Go Away And Leave Us Alone
>New Jersey
>You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
>I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
>Right here!
>New Mexico
>Lizards Make Excellent Pets
>New York
>You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
>You Have The Right
>To An Attorney...
>North Carolina
>Tobacco Is A Vegetable
>North Dakota
>We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
>Ohio
>At Least We're Not Michigan
>Oklahoma
>Like The Play, But No Singing
>Oregon
>Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
>Pennsylvania
>Cook With Coal
>Rhode Island
>We're Not REALLY An Island
>South Carolina
>Remember The Civil War?
>Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
>South Dakota
>Closer Than North Dakota
>Tennessee
>The Edyoocashun State
>Texas
>Se Hablo Ingles
>Utah
>Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
>Vermont
>Ay, Yep
>Virginia
>Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
>Washington
>We have more rain than you do
>West Virginia
>One Big Happy Family...Really!
>Wisconsin
>Come Cut The Cheese!
>Wyoming
>Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
Alabama
>Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
>Alaska
>11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
>Arizona
>But It's A Dry Heat....
>Arkansas
>Literacy Ain't Everything.
>California
>By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
>Colorado
>If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
>Connecticut
>Like Massachusetts,
>Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
>Delaware
>We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
>Florida
>Ask Us About Our Grandkids.
>Georgia
>We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
>Hawaii
>Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
>(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)
>Idaho
>More Than Just Potatoes...
>Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
>Illinois
>Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
>Indiana
>2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
>Iowa
>We Do Amazing Things With Corn
>Kansas
>First Of The Rectangle States
>Kentucky
>Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
>Louisiana
>We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
>But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
>Maine
>We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
>Maryland
>If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
>Massachusetts
>Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
>Michigan
>First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
>Minnesota
>10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
>Mississippi
>Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
>Missouri
>Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
>Montana
>Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
>and Very Little Else.
>Nebraska
>Ask About Our State Motto Contest
>Nevada
>Hookers and Poker!
>New Hampshire
>Go Away And Leave Us Alone
>New Jersey
>You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
>I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
>Right here!
>New Mexico
>Lizards Make Excellent Pets
>New York
>You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
>You Have The Right
>To An Attorney...
>North Carolina
>Tobacco Is A Vegetable
>North Dakota
>We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
>Ohio
>At Least We're Not Michigan
>Oklahoma
>Like The Play, But No Singing
>Oregon
>Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
>Pennsylvania
>Cook With Coal
>Rhode Island
>We're Not REALLY An Island
>South Carolina
>Remember The Civil War?
>Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
>South Dakota
>Closer Than North Dakota
>Tennessee
>The Edyoocashun State
>Texas
>Se Hablo Ingles
>Utah
>Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
>Vermont
>Ay, Yep
>Virginia
>Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
>Washington
>We have more rain than you do
>West Virginia
>One Big Happy Family...Really!
>Wisconsin
>Come Cut The Cheese!
>Wyoming
>Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
The Proctologist
A proctologist walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some asshole's got my pen."
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