Worst Movies I've Ever Seen

Since I'm in a movie watching phase right now, I think it's a good time to talk about the worst movies I've ever seen. You guys can let me know what movies you've hated too. I'm interested in reading your opinions. I'm in a movie frenzy right now, because I'm trying to make up for all the years I've gone without seeing any movies. Or perhaps, I'm depressed over not being able to get my videogame fix. I love movies, but I just didn't watch that many in the past few years. This list is just about the movies that I remember watching and hated. I've avoided major bombs, like "Gigli", thanks to everyone warning me about how bad they were. That's why your opinions count--to save others from movie watching misery. There might be some movies that I've failed to mention, because I've totally forgotten about them.

Anyway, here are the stinkers:

1. Mars Attacks!

This movie was so bad that I think I lost IQ points after watching it. I can't remember much, but I know I really hated it. It was supposed to be a sci-fi comedy, but I think I was groaning the whole time instead of laughing even once. It was so stupid. There were all these big name stars in the movie, but there was no plot. It didn't make sense at all. One example of utter stupidity was when Pierce Brosnan's head was attached to a dog's body. I still want my money back! F, 30.

2. Mystery Men

This is another movie that I paid full price for and felt robbed. This film was about a bunch of misfit geeks that had stupid powers. The Mystery Men had to fight a villain named Casanova Frankenstein. They starred characters like Mr. Furious, The Bowler, The Blue Raja, The Shoveler, The Spleen, The Sphinx, and the Invisible Boy. These dunces didn't have anything that one would call "super powers." They should havae been placed in mental hospitals instead. The movie was really bad. I was groaning with pain in my seat the whole time. There were a couple instances of funny scenes like when they attacked Casanova Frankenstein's car by farting and keying it with forks. I wanted to leave the theater, but I was there with a bunch of church people from Choong Hyun Mission Church so I sat there and took the torture. F, 40.

3. 2069: A Sex Odyssey

Trust me-this movie isn't what it sounds like. It's some stupid foreign film that made no sense at all. It was ultra low budget. Back in high school, Chris and I thought that it would have been a funny flick to watch instead of our usual routine of watching Saturday Night Live. That's how we spent our Saturday nights back in high school. It looks like they just put some clips together and packaged it as a movie. I wish I got those 2 hours back somehow. Aagghhhh!!!!!!!!!! There was one scene with a female space cadet with an outfit that exposed her nipple area. The rest was filled with drunk Norwegian ugly dudes in long johns running around. God awful! F, 4.

4. Backstage Pass Uncensored

People, do not ever watch a really bad movie even if it's free. This was a really bad documentary about rock stars and the things that go on backstage. I came upon it by accident and now I am severely traumatized. I wouldn't even watch this film if they paid me $100. That's how bad it was. It showed rockers telling stories of their disgusting sexual escapades with their groupies. Now, I have utter disdain for rock stars. The thing is that I wouldn't even call these guys "rock stars". They featured all these terrible bands that played satanic heavy metal noise. Everyone knows this is the worst music in the world. One of the worst scenes that I'm still trying to clear from my mind is the Insane Clown Posse talking about their nasty deeds. Their faces. My God! Their heinous faces! I feel like I've been under the frightening nightmare of the Scarecrow from Batman Begins. F, -10.

Dishonorable Mentions:

5. Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)

You guys know I love Final Fantasy videogames. I loved the movie FF7: Advent Children. The Spirits Within was a major disappointment, however. Sony hyped this movie up so much at the 2000 E3 Convention. I couldn't even get into Sony's private viewing area to watch a preview at the Electronic Entertainment Exhibition because of the long lines. They were talking about how realistic the CG effects were, especially how realistically they can make human faces. The characters' faces were damn fugly though. We're still a long way from creating realistic human CG faces. It's much better to make them a little bit more anime-style like in Advent Children. The CG special effects animation in Spirits Within was okay. The voice acting was mundane even when it featured big name actors. The story was mediocre. Final Fantasy X was so much better even though it was a videogame that came out about the same time. The cutscenes from FFX blew the Spirits Within away. The Spirits Within's characters' faces were just plain weird, because the human eye sees faults with anything that isn't perfectly human. This movie was a huge letdown. F, 55.

6. Galaxy Quest

Tim Allen is a dolt. This sci-fi comedy blows. It had very few humorous parts. It was another big groaner. They tried to parody Star Trek, but it just wasn't funny. They should have picked better subject matter. Everyone knows Star Wars is better than Trekkies. This movie was absolutely dull. Don't watch it. F, 56.

7. Rocky Horror Picture Show

I really don't know why so many people liked this movie. I guess it's for all the freaks out there. Transvestites dancing and singing? Yuck. I tried to force myself to watch the whole thing, but couldn't. Actually, my mom saw me watching it and told me to turn that crap off. This movie was hard to stomach. Only weirdos like this type of stuff. F, 49.

8. Dracula: Dead and Loving It

I liked Mel Brooks' other movies, but this one was awful. It parodied Bram Stoker's Dracula, but it wasn't funny. All the jokes were lame. I just walked out of the movie after seeing about half of it. F, 50.

9. Chucky

A movie about an evil doll that kills people? Come on! I guess it's good to show kids that love dolls too much. Maybe, they won't want dolls after seeing this. I didn't like this movie at all. F, 58.

10. Nightmare on Elm Street-All of Them!

Maybe, the first one wasn't so bad. The rest were really terrible. I've seen episodes I through IV. This is supposed to be horror? Some of the stuff like people turning into meatballs on pizza and being eaten alive by Freddy Krueger seemed to be more disgusting comedy than horror. It was just so far out there that it wasn't scary at all. The horror genre is usually pretty bad, but this series takes the cake. F, 58.


Share your abhorrent movie stories with me by commenting below. I really want to read your opinions.

[Edit: Friday, Jan. 13, 2006]