First-grade teacher, Ms. Choi, was having some trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Brian, what's your problem?"
Brian answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade, and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Choi had had enough. She took Brian to the principal's office.
While Brian waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Choi he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Brian was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Brian: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Brian: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Choi and tells her, "I think Brian can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Choi says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Brian both agreed.
Ms. Choi asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Brian, after a brief moment says: "Legs."
Ms. Choi: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Brian replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Choi: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Brian: "Pants."
Ms. Choi: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Brian: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Choi: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Brian replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Choi: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Brian: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Choi: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that signifies there's a lot of heat and excitement?"
Brian: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Brian in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
Friday, March 31, 2006
Star Wars: Dark Lord: The Rise of Darth Vader
This is a must read for any Darth Vader fan. As the title indicates, it's about Darth Vader's rise to power.
The setting takes place a few years after Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. The galaxy is in chaos after the end of the Clone Wars. The Jedi Order has been destroyed. Lord Vader has become Emperor Palpatine's right hand man. His task is to destroy the few Jedi that have escaped "Order 66" (the order by Palpatine to the clone troopers to destroy all Jedi).
The story also focuses on two new jedi, Jedi Master Roan Shryne and Padawan Olee Starstone. Shryne is kinda like a Jedi Outcast who finds redemption in the Force during his confrontation with Vader. Shryne is pretty good as he gets a few hits in during his lightsaber duel with Vader. Vader gets pissed off because Shryne hits his cyborg electrical circuits. Vader channels the Dark Side and starts pummeling Shryne with all sorts of heavy stuff. It's like the scene on the Death Star with Luke in Empire Strikes back. But, it's ten times worse. Shryne is hit left and right mercilessly by wood, steel, and rocks. Ouch!
Before Vader can order "69" on the female Jedi Olee Starstone, she is rescued and gets the heck outta there.
In the book, we see that Anakin/Vader is struggling with his past. He hates Sidious for not keeping his promise to save his wife, Padme. At the same time, he needs Sidious to learn more about the Dark Side to feed his unquenchable thirst for power. He blames the Jedi for ruining everything with their blind thinking.
We see that he's having difficulties with his new armour, his bionic appendages, and mask. He says, "I can't see anything out of this stupid mask and it's dang hard to breathe in this thing." He also complains, "Those damn medical droids made me from inferior parts!" As the story progresses, he starts gaining more and more power through the Dark Side though. He goes on to become the ultimate badass.
The ARC (Aggressive ReConnaisance Team) also make an appearance in this book. These guys are like the elite Navy Seals of the storm troopers. They have their own videogame called Star Wars Republic Commando.
In the Epilogue, Obi Wan is drinking himself silly in a cantina in Tatooine. He learns that Darth Vader is still alive. Vader has turned Chewbacca's home planet, Kashyyk into a barbeque. Obi Wan dedicates his life to protecting and watching over Anakin's kid, Luke Skywalker, from Vader.
This was a great Star Wars book. I love Darth Vader. Long live Lord Vader! If you don't bow down to him, he'll choke you with his mind, you piece of bantha fodder!
The setting takes place a few years after Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. The galaxy is in chaos after the end of the Clone Wars. The Jedi Order has been destroyed. Lord Vader has become Emperor Palpatine's right hand man. His task is to destroy the few Jedi that have escaped "Order 66" (the order by Palpatine to the clone troopers to destroy all Jedi).
The story also focuses on two new jedi, Jedi Master Roan Shryne and Padawan Olee Starstone. Shryne is kinda like a Jedi Outcast who finds redemption in the Force during his confrontation with Vader. Shryne is pretty good as he gets a few hits in during his lightsaber duel with Vader. Vader gets pissed off because Shryne hits his cyborg electrical circuits. Vader channels the Dark Side and starts pummeling Shryne with all sorts of heavy stuff. It's like the scene on the Death Star with Luke in Empire Strikes back. But, it's ten times worse. Shryne is hit left and right mercilessly by wood, steel, and rocks. Ouch!
Before Vader can order "69" on the female Jedi Olee Starstone, she is rescued and gets the heck outta there.
In the book, we see that Anakin/Vader is struggling with his past. He hates Sidious for not keeping his promise to save his wife, Padme. At the same time, he needs Sidious to learn more about the Dark Side to feed his unquenchable thirst for power. He blames the Jedi for ruining everything with their blind thinking.
We see that he's having difficulties with his new armour, his bionic appendages, and mask. He says, "I can't see anything out of this stupid mask and it's dang hard to breathe in this thing." He also complains, "Those damn medical droids made me from inferior parts!" As the story progresses, he starts gaining more and more power through the Dark Side though. He goes on to become the ultimate badass.
The ARC (Aggressive ReConnaisance Team) also make an appearance in this book. These guys are like the elite Navy Seals of the storm troopers. They have their own videogame called Star Wars Republic Commando.
In the Epilogue, Obi Wan is drinking himself silly in a cantina in Tatooine. He learns that Darth Vader is still alive. Vader has turned Chewbacca's home planet, Kashyyk into a barbeque. Obi Wan dedicates his life to protecting and watching over Anakin's kid, Luke Skywalker, from Vader.
This was a great Star Wars book. I love Darth Vader. Long live Lord Vader! If you don't bow down to him, he'll choke you with his mind, you piece of bantha fodder!
I love Chili
A young cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Montana moseys on in to the Gaylord Hotel Cafe in Pocahontasville. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
The Engineer
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God phones Satan and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gone down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. Where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God phones Satan and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gone down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. Where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
All That Suffering For Nothing
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned
to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws
of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,
pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the
first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error
would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from these
copies for centuries, but you do make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down the stairs into the dark caves underneath
the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a
locked vault that has not been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and the old abbot does not return. The young
monk becomes worried and goes downstairs to look for him.
He finds him banging his head against the wall. His forehead
is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk rushes to his side, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word is celebrate!"
to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws
of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,
pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the
first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error
would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from these
copies for centuries, but you do make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down the stairs into the dark caves underneath
the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a
locked vault that has not been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and the old abbot does not return. The young
monk becomes worried and goes downstairs to look for him.
He finds him banging his head against the wall. His forehead
is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk rushes to his side, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word is celebrate!"
Rage Against the Librarian
I love the library, but you have to make sure that the books you return have been scanned in. I checked out some Car and Driver magazines a few weeks ago, and I got a notice saying that one of the magazines I checked out was still due.
As you know, I always return everything right away. I'm pretty anal. I always show up early to work, to meetings, and to see friends. I pay my bills the same day I get them in the mail. When I return library books, I return them way in advance of the due date.
Now, they have the audacity to say that I never turned in the magazine! If I didn't get that notice, I might have accured late charges for decades just like that one guy who had $10,000 in library late charges for a book he checked out 40 years ago as a kid.
Now, I have to pay for their mistake. That's totally unfair.
I always hand my library books to the librarian, because of my experiences in the past. Several times over my lifetime, the library has said that they didn't get my books when I turned them in.
Never turn in your books at the Return Box. There's a good chance that it won't be scanned in and you'll be the one to pay for it.
Now, I have to ask the librarian for a printout of the books I return to make absolutely certain that I returned them.
This goes for other places like Blockbuster's Video too. Those guys don't know what they're doing nor do they care.
As you know, I always return everything right away. I'm pretty anal. I always show up early to work, to meetings, and to see friends. I pay my bills the same day I get them in the mail. When I return library books, I return them way in advance of the due date.
Now, they have the audacity to say that I never turned in the magazine! If I didn't get that notice, I might have accured late charges for decades just like that one guy who had $10,000 in library late charges for a book he checked out 40 years ago as a kid.
Now, I have to pay for their mistake. That's totally unfair.
I always hand my library books to the librarian, because of my experiences in the past. Several times over my lifetime, the library has said that they didn't get my books when I turned them in.
Never turn in your books at the Return Box. There's a good chance that it won't be scanned in and you'll be the one to pay for it.
Now, I have to ask the librarian for a printout of the books I return to make absolutely certain that I returned them.
This goes for other places like Blockbuster's Video too. Those guys don't know what they're doing nor do they care.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
TIE-Tanic
Watch this hilarious clip of Star Wars vs. Titanic. It's cheesey, but you know I'm a sucker for anything Star Wars.
Darth Vader gets jealous of the success of Titanic and wants to prevent it from surpassing the Star Wars franchise. Tie Fighters are sent out to blast the Titanic to pieces. I loved how the Ewoks die in the sinking ship. The part where the Tie Fighters blow off the head of one of the ship's crew members is pretty funny too.
It's pretty clever. How'd they make those special effects?
I'm a Star Wars fan for life.
You've seen it first here, folks. I scour the entire internet to bring you the best of the web. This way, you won't have to risk getting viruses and stuff when surfing the web. Leave it to me to find the good stuff to show you.
The David Kim Show is 100% virus free. I'll never sell out and put ads all over my site either. You can also send me anything funny or interesting if you come across anything.
Darth Vader gets jealous of the success of Titanic and wants to prevent it from surpassing the Star Wars franchise. Tie Fighters are sent out to blast the Titanic to pieces. I loved how the Ewoks die in the sinking ship. The part where the Tie Fighters blow off the head of one of the ship's crew members is pretty funny too.
It's pretty clever. How'd they make those special effects?
I'm a Star Wars fan for life.
You've seen it first here, folks. I scour the entire internet to bring you the best of the web. This way, you won't have to risk getting viruses and stuff when surfing the web. Leave it to me to find the good stuff to show you.
The David Kim Show is 100% virus free. I'll never sell out and put ads all over my site either. You can also send me anything funny or interesting if you come across anything.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Team America: World Police
Thunderbirds meet South Park.
At first, this movie looks like it's about the marionettes from the old tv movies, the Thunderbirds, I used to watch as a kid. Then, they start talking and cursing like the kids from South Park.
I love parodies and these guys made fun of everyone.
Team America is a small group of freedom fighters that police the world and fight terrorism. They go around blowing up terrorists, while blowing up buildings and other innocent people at the same time. It's a good spoof of the U.S.'s philosophy towards the world.
One of their team members is killed by a terrorist. The team leader, Spottswoode, goes to find a replacement by finding a really good actor, Gary Johnston, that's starring in the hit Broadway musical, "Lease".
Gary is reluctant to follow Spottswoode at first.
Gary: Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get in your car and let you put your finger inside me. Then if I go down on you I get a movie part.
Spottswoode: Please, Gary, I'm not from Hollywood. I'm not going to fuck your mouth and my time is extremely valuable.
Gary (inside the flying Lamborghini Diablo limo): Jesus, this is a nice limo.
Spottswoode: Yes, it is. Now suck my cock.
Gary asks him why he wants an actor to join Team America, and Spottswoode responds that spying is just merely acting.
Gary falls in love with Lisa.
Lisa: Promise me you'll never die.
Gary: You know that I can't promise that.
Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
Gary: I promise I will never die.
The next scene shows the infamous puppet sex scene.
Then, their supercomputer, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., which sometimes gives bad intelligence, notifies them of terrorist activity.
Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.
Gary: 9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's...
Spottswoode: Yes, 91,100.
Chris: Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.
The team finds out that the North Korean commie dictator, Kim Jong Il is behind the terrorism. But, during one of his stirring solo song, we discover that he is just misunderstood and terribly "ronery" all by himself.
This movie has a lot of extremely crude humor and most of it is pretty offensive, but I was laughing my ass off.
They poke fun at Hollywood actors and the Film Actors Guild (F.A.G.).
In one scene Gary gets drunk at a bar and pukes nonstop for a long time. That's exactly what I looked liked after I got drunk at my last office party.
One drunk guy at the bar tells Gary his philosophy about how the world goes around:
"See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!"
Apparently, Gary remembers this profound diatribe even after he passes out in a pool of his own vomit. After all the F.A.G. actors and the world leaders meet in Kim Jong Il's palace for a supposed peace conference, Gary gives a speech in front of everyone about why Team America needs to stop Kim Jong Il:
"We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!"
The Highs: Extremely crass, and funny, jokes.
The Lows: May be offensive to many.
The Verdict: A South Park parody of politics and Hollywood, "Thunderbirds Are Go!" style.
My rating: B, 88.
At first, this movie looks like it's about the marionettes from the old tv movies, the Thunderbirds, I used to watch as a kid. Then, they start talking and cursing like the kids from South Park.
I love parodies and these guys made fun of everyone.
Team America is a small group of freedom fighters that police the world and fight terrorism. They go around blowing up terrorists, while blowing up buildings and other innocent people at the same time. It's a good spoof of the U.S.'s philosophy towards the world.
One of their team members is killed by a terrorist. The team leader, Spottswoode, goes to find a replacement by finding a really good actor, Gary Johnston, that's starring in the hit Broadway musical, "Lease".
Gary is reluctant to follow Spottswoode at first.
Gary: Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get in your car and let you put your finger inside me. Then if I go down on you I get a movie part.
Spottswoode: Please, Gary, I'm not from Hollywood. I'm not going to fuck your mouth and my time is extremely valuable.
Gary (inside the flying Lamborghini Diablo limo): Jesus, this is a nice limo.
Spottswoode: Yes, it is. Now suck my cock.
Gary asks him why he wants an actor to join Team America, and Spottswoode responds that spying is just merely acting.
Gary falls in love with Lisa.
Lisa: Promise me you'll never die.
Gary: You know that I can't promise that.
Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
Gary: I promise I will never die.
The next scene shows the infamous puppet sex scene.
Then, their supercomputer, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., which sometimes gives bad intelligence, notifies them of terrorist activity.
Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.
Gary: 9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's...
Spottswoode: Yes, 91,100.
Chris: Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.
The team finds out that the North Korean commie dictator, Kim Jong Il is behind the terrorism. But, during one of his stirring solo song, we discover that he is just misunderstood and terribly "ronery" all by himself.
This movie has a lot of extremely crude humor and most of it is pretty offensive, but I was laughing my ass off.
They poke fun at Hollywood actors and the Film Actors Guild (F.A.G.).
In one scene Gary gets drunk at a bar and pukes nonstop for a long time. That's exactly what I looked liked after I got drunk at my last office party.
One drunk guy at the bar tells Gary his philosophy about how the world goes around:
"See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!"
Apparently, Gary remembers this profound diatribe even after he passes out in a pool of his own vomit. After all the F.A.G. actors and the world leaders meet in Kim Jong Il's palace for a supposed peace conference, Gary gives a speech in front of everyone about why Team America needs to stop Kim Jong Il:
"We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!"
The Highs: Extremely crass, and funny, jokes.
The Lows: May be offensive to many.
The Verdict: A South Park parody of politics and Hollywood, "Thunderbirds Are Go!" style.
My rating: B, 88.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Who Brews the Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that. Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .............
"HEBREWS"
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that. Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .............
"HEBREWS"
Memoirs of a Geisha
This is a Japanese Cinderella-type story starring the girls from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The movie is beautifully shot, but the actors and actresses' fobby accents ruin it.
Ziyi Zhang stars as Sayuri. After their mom kicks the bucket, their poor fisherman bastard of a dad sells Zhang and her older sister to geisha houses.
Zhang runs around the streets trying to find her older sis until finally she finds her one day. Her sis tells her to meet her at the bridge the next day so that they can run away together. Zhang sneaks out in the middle of the night, but falls off the roof and gets hurt. Her sis runs away without her --never to be heard from ever again.
Now, Zhang is in deeper crap because she is in further debt to the mother geisha for her doctor's bills.
Zhang, who is about 12 years old, cries on a small bridge. Ken Watanabe sees her and buys her some cherry flavored shaved ice. She is so happy that someone in the world showed her some kindness that she falls in love with Ken. She vows to do whatever it takes to meet him again. That's pretty sick since Ken's kinda old. But, I guess guys like younger women.
Zhang grows up to be a beautiful geisha. She has green eyes or so they say. They keep saying her eyes look like water. Her eyes looked brown to me, just like all the other Asians. I've never seen any full Asian with green eyes before.
Michelle Yeoh takes Zhang under her wing as her older sister. She trains her how to be a true geisha. Michelle makes a bet with Zhang's mother geisha that Zhang will be able to pay off her debt within 6 months. If she loses, she'll pay twice her debt. That's a wager she can not turn down. It's a win win sitution for her. No one has ever paid off their debt so quickly. Not even, Michelle--who paid off her debt when she was 20! Amazing. That's a world record.
One day, Michelle and Ziyi walk down the street. A true geisha can make a man stop in his tracks with just one look. Ziyi flutters her eyes at one boy on a bike and he crashes into a chicken wagon. Ziyi now has the power of a geisha.
The baron is also enchanted by her performance. He asks her to go into his palace, 'cuz he has a beautiful kimono he wants to show her. What a dumb girl. Anybody knows that when someone wants to show a girl something in his place, he has some other plan in mind. The baron is apparently an expert in kimonos and taking them off. He keeps spinning her around until her kimono comes off and she's naked. Ziyi starts crying, "Please, don't rape me." The baron loves pretty girls. He wants to do it, but let's her go. Perhaps, he has sympathy for her since she's sobbing her eyes out. "Hmmphh." He thinks. "I usually always get what I want."
Later on, in order to raise funds to pay off her debt, Michelle tells Ziyi to flirt with all the powerful rich guys. They start a bidding war for her virginity. The old ass doctor wins, so he gets to sleep with her. When Ziyi goes back home, the mother geisha says that she is now a true geisha. Damn!
Meanwhile, Gong Li, who has been jealous of Ziyi ever since she was a little girl, has been spreading rumors of Ziyi's impurity. At first, the old doctor was disgusted because he heard that Ziyi slept with so many guys including smelly fishermen. After her knock-out geisha show starring Ziyi, she becomes Japan's most famous celebrity geisha. Geisha means an artist in Japanese. Geishas are not just your average ordinary prostitutes. They are highly skilled artists, singers, and dancers who specialize in entertaining rich and powerful men.
Ziyi gives a small red box to the old doctor, which means that she wants him, and whispers in his ear that she should listen to his own advice and seek a second opinion before making a judgment. They laugh and then the old grandpa takes her virginity as his prize.
Ziyi wants to hook up with Ken, but Ken wants to set her up with his burnt faced friend, because his friend saved his life during battle. Ken wants his burnt faced friend to be happy by getting laid by a pretty geisha.
The Americans come and occupy Japan. They introduce Ziyi to a wealthy white colonel and say that she is "The Mystery of the Orient". In one of the most awkward and corniest lines I've ever had to endure, Ziyi says in her broken Engrish, "Pehaps you can be the one to solve the mystery." Ah ha ha! What the hell kinda lame line is that?
I think they've taken the geisha as a master haiku poet and conversationalist thing too far in this movie. Some of the lines were just too awkward in this movie. It might have made a good book, but it was too contrived as lines in a movie.
I thought the acting was good. It was just the fact that they had to speak in their broken Engrish that made it awkward to watch.
Going back to where I left off, at the hot tub scene (there's no full nudity, by the way), Ziyi comes up with a plan to make the burnt faced guy jealous and not like her anymore. The burnt faced guy wants her all to himself. Ziyi asks her friend Pumpkin to bring the burnt faced guy to her room at exactly 9 o'clock. Ziyi starts taking off the white colonel's pants in a hurry. He starts trying to have sex with her and then she tells him to wait. She's trying to time it exactly so that the burnt faced guy will walk in on them right when they're about to do it. She doesn't want to have actual sex with the white colonel. But, she can't hold him back. He starts doing his nasty thing to her. Then, Ken walks in on them. Ziyi is shocked. She asks Pumpkin why she brought Ken instead of Ken's burnt faced friend. Pumpkin replies that she wants her to feel how she felt when Ziyi took the only thing that mattered to her away from her many years ago when they were kids. Ziyi became adopted by the mother geisha and Pumpkin's chance was lost when Ziyi became so successful. Ahhh, sweet revenge.
Ziyi lost all hope one by one just like how the cherry blossom leaves fall off one by one during winter. So poetic.
One day, Ken visits her in the cherry blossom garden. She tells him how she fell in love with him as a little kid when he bought her that cherry flavored shaved ice. Everything she did in her life was done in order to help her meet him again. She gave all her money to Buddha after he bought her that shaved ice. She prayed to Buddha to let her meet him once again. Buddha answered her prayers. Praise Buddha!
Ken says that he always knew that it was her. In fact, he was the patron that helped her when she was growing up. Oh my gosh! How sweet! They kiss and walk through the garden.
This movie was beautiful to look at. The scenery was breathtaking. The geishas in the movie were nice to look at too. I've always thought geishas were ugly when I saw pictures of them before. They looked like Japanese female clowns to me. I just didn't like their nasty white make up. I like women to look natural.
The Highs: Beautiful scenery, artistically crafted, good acting.
The Lows: Chinglish accents. The books poetic writing didn't work well as lines for the movie. Their lines were awkward.
The Verdict: Japanese Cinderella story. She's not pure as Snow White though.
My rating: 75, C.
Ziyi Zhang stars as Sayuri. After their mom kicks the bucket, their poor fisherman bastard of a dad sells Zhang and her older sister to geisha houses.
Zhang runs around the streets trying to find her older sis until finally she finds her one day. Her sis tells her to meet her at the bridge the next day so that they can run away together. Zhang sneaks out in the middle of the night, but falls off the roof and gets hurt. Her sis runs away without her --never to be heard from ever again.
Now, Zhang is in deeper crap because she is in further debt to the mother geisha for her doctor's bills.
Zhang, who is about 12 years old, cries on a small bridge. Ken Watanabe sees her and buys her some cherry flavored shaved ice. She is so happy that someone in the world showed her some kindness that she falls in love with Ken. She vows to do whatever it takes to meet him again. That's pretty sick since Ken's kinda old. But, I guess guys like younger women.
Zhang grows up to be a beautiful geisha. She has green eyes or so they say. They keep saying her eyes look like water. Her eyes looked brown to me, just like all the other Asians. I've never seen any full Asian with green eyes before.
Michelle Yeoh takes Zhang under her wing as her older sister. She trains her how to be a true geisha. Michelle makes a bet with Zhang's mother geisha that Zhang will be able to pay off her debt within 6 months. If she loses, she'll pay twice her debt. That's a wager she can not turn down. It's a win win sitution for her. No one has ever paid off their debt so quickly. Not even, Michelle--who paid off her debt when she was 20! Amazing. That's a world record.
One day, Michelle and Ziyi walk down the street. A true geisha can make a man stop in his tracks with just one look. Ziyi flutters her eyes at one boy on a bike and he crashes into a chicken wagon. Ziyi now has the power of a geisha.
The baron is also enchanted by her performance. He asks her to go into his palace, 'cuz he has a beautiful kimono he wants to show her. What a dumb girl. Anybody knows that when someone wants to show a girl something in his place, he has some other plan in mind. The baron is apparently an expert in kimonos and taking them off. He keeps spinning her around until her kimono comes off and she's naked. Ziyi starts crying, "Please, don't rape me." The baron loves pretty girls. He wants to do it, but let's her go. Perhaps, he has sympathy for her since she's sobbing her eyes out. "Hmmphh." He thinks. "I usually always get what I want."
Later on, in order to raise funds to pay off her debt, Michelle tells Ziyi to flirt with all the powerful rich guys. They start a bidding war for her virginity. The old ass doctor wins, so he gets to sleep with her. When Ziyi goes back home, the mother geisha says that she is now a true geisha. Damn!
Meanwhile, Gong Li, who has been jealous of Ziyi ever since she was a little girl, has been spreading rumors of Ziyi's impurity. At first, the old doctor was disgusted because he heard that Ziyi slept with so many guys including smelly fishermen. After her knock-out geisha show starring Ziyi, she becomes Japan's most famous celebrity geisha. Geisha means an artist in Japanese. Geishas are not just your average ordinary prostitutes. They are highly skilled artists, singers, and dancers who specialize in entertaining rich and powerful men.
Ziyi gives a small red box to the old doctor, which means that she wants him, and whispers in his ear that she should listen to his own advice and seek a second opinion before making a judgment. They laugh and then the old grandpa takes her virginity as his prize.
Ziyi wants to hook up with Ken, but Ken wants to set her up with his burnt faced friend, because his friend saved his life during battle. Ken wants his burnt faced friend to be happy by getting laid by a pretty geisha.
The Americans come and occupy Japan. They introduce Ziyi to a wealthy white colonel and say that she is "The Mystery of the Orient". In one of the most awkward and corniest lines I've ever had to endure, Ziyi says in her broken Engrish, "Pehaps you can be the one to solve the mystery." Ah ha ha! What the hell kinda lame line is that?
I think they've taken the geisha as a master haiku poet and conversationalist thing too far in this movie. Some of the lines were just too awkward in this movie. It might have made a good book, but it was too contrived as lines in a movie.
I thought the acting was good. It was just the fact that they had to speak in their broken Engrish that made it awkward to watch.
Going back to where I left off, at the hot tub scene (there's no full nudity, by the way), Ziyi comes up with a plan to make the burnt faced guy jealous and not like her anymore. The burnt faced guy wants her all to himself. Ziyi asks her friend Pumpkin to bring the burnt faced guy to her room at exactly 9 o'clock. Ziyi starts taking off the white colonel's pants in a hurry. He starts trying to have sex with her and then she tells him to wait. She's trying to time it exactly so that the burnt faced guy will walk in on them right when they're about to do it. She doesn't want to have actual sex with the white colonel. But, she can't hold him back. He starts doing his nasty thing to her. Then, Ken walks in on them. Ziyi is shocked. She asks Pumpkin why she brought Ken instead of Ken's burnt faced friend. Pumpkin replies that she wants her to feel how she felt when Ziyi took the only thing that mattered to her away from her many years ago when they were kids. Ziyi became adopted by the mother geisha and Pumpkin's chance was lost when Ziyi became so successful. Ahhh, sweet revenge.
Ziyi lost all hope one by one just like how the cherry blossom leaves fall off one by one during winter. So poetic.
One day, Ken visits her in the cherry blossom garden. She tells him how she fell in love with him as a little kid when he bought her that cherry flavored shaved ice. Everything she did in her life was done in order to help her meet him again. She gave all her money to Buddha after he bought her that shaved ice. She prayed to Buddha to let her meet him once again. Buddha answered her prayers. Praise Buddha!
Ken says that he always knew that it was her. In fact, he was the patron that helped her when she was growing up. Oh my gosh! How sweet! They kiss and walk through the garden.
This movie was beautiful to look at. The scenery was breathtaking. The geishas in the movie were nice to look at too. I've always thought geishas were ugly when I saw pictures of them before. They looked like Japanese female clowns to me. I just didn't like their nasty white make up. I like women to look natural.
The Highs: Beautiful scenery, artistically crafted, good acting.
The Lows: Chinglish accents. The books poetic writing didn't work well as lines for the movie. Their lines were awkward.
The Verdict: Japanese Cinderella story. She's not pure as Snow White though.
My rating: 75, C.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
If you want a swashbuckling good time, watch Master and Commander.
Russell Crowe stars as Captain "Lucky" Jack Aubrey. This is set during the Napoleonic wars. Crowe plays a cunning English sea captain that is commissioned to sink, burn, or take the French Man O' War, the Acheron, as a prize. The Acheron is a much faster and larger ship with more crew members and cannons. Crowe has to use his ingenius naval warfare abilites to hunt it down and stop it.
At first, the Acheron attacks Crowe's ship, the HMS Surprise, by taking them by surprise by hiding in the fog. The Surprise takes a lot of damage and several of the crew are badly injured. One little midshipman, Lord Blakeney, a 12 year old kid has to get his arm amputated. The primitive surgery back then was scary. The only thing the kid had was a piece of wood to bite on. They sawed off his arm without anasthesia. He makes me look like a baby when I chickened out of my dentist's appointment awhile ago, because I found out I wasn't going to get general anasthesia to pull out all 4 of my wisdom teeth. The kid was tough cookie. He just chewed hard on the piece of wood and didn't cry.
Captain Crowe then manages a way to get his ship back into the fog to hide from the Acheron. Another time, he constructs a raft with sails to make it look like the HMS Surprise. They get away in the middle of the night.
They sail around Brazil and visit the Galapagos Islands. Paul Bettany plays Crowe's friend, the ship's doctor. He is a naturalist and cautions him saying that seeking revenge against the Acheron may cloud his judgment and endanger the entire crew.
During one of the storms, Crowe had to decide whether to save one of the sailors who fell overboard or save the whole ship that was sinking. While wearing his Napoleon hat, Crowe had the difficult decision of having to choose between the lesser of two evils.
Although this wasn't a pirate movie, it reminded me of one of my favorite videogames, Pirates. In the game, I learned about different ships and the rules of sailing.
One complaint I had was that it was hard to hear and understand what people were saying sometimes. I find that to be true with many movies. Actors should enunciate better or the sound editors need to do a better job. It's especially difficult to hear when they're talking fast with a thick British accent. Sometimes, people are talking too softly. Talk better, people!
I thought the movie was well made, overall, but I would never want to be on a ship like that in real life. I'd probably be puking all over the place everyday for many months. After our senior class trip in college when we went deep sea fishing, I swore that I would never go on a boat ever again. I still plan to keep that promise. God, I still have painful memories of that tragic day when all of us were blowing chunks non-stop for 8 hours.
Another big reason, I wouldn't want to be on that boat would be that it's filled with about 200 stinky sailors and no women. That would be one of the worst prisons to be on. A rolling puke inducing prison where all the guys haven't taken showers since they first boarded the ship. How did they keep the food from spoiling after long trips without refrigeration? The food must have been terrible. What were the sleeping conditions like? Unimaginably awful, I assume. What about the bathrooms? I have to go the bathroom a lot and I bet the conditions would be pretty bad. You better pray you don't get hurt or if you do, you better pray that you die instantly during sea battles. Otherwise, you'd get surgery with unsanitary instruments. Can you imagine them sawing your arm off with a dull dirty knife? Yoinks!
I'm glad it's just a movie. If I had to board that ship for Her Majesty's service, I'd probably jump off and drown just like that one dork did in the movie.
The highs: Realistic naval battles, great epic feel.
The lows: 197 sweaty stinkin' sailors. Hard to understand what people are saying at times.
The Verdict: A swashbuckling epic without pirates.
My rating: 88, B.
Russell Crowe stars as Captain "Lucky" Jack Aubrey. This is set during the Napoleonic wars. Crowe plays a cunning English sea captain that is commissioned to sink, burn, or take the French Man O' War, the Acheron, as a prize. The Acheron is a much faster and larger ship with more crew members and cannons. Crowe has to use his ingenius naval warfare abilites to hunt it down and stop it.
At first, the Acheron attacks Crowe's ship, the HMS Surprise, by taking them by surprise by hiding in the fog. The Surprise takes a lot of damage and several of the crew are badly injured. One little midshipman, Lord Blakeney, a 12 year old kid has to get his arm amputated. The primitive surgery back then was scary. The only thing the kid had was a piece of wood to bite on. They sawed off his arm without anasthesia. He makes me look like a baby when I chickened out of my dentist's appointment awhile ago, because I found out I wasn't going to get general anasthesia to pull out all 4 of my wisdom teeth. The kid was tough cookie. He just chewed hard on the piece of wood and didn't cry.
Captain Crowe then manages a way to get his ship back into the fog to hide from the Acheron. Another time, he constructs a raft with sails to make it look like the HMS Surprise. They get away in the middle of the night.
They sail around Brazil and visit the Galapagos Islands. Paul Bettany plays Crowe's friend, the ship's doctor. He is a naturalist and cautions him saying that seeking revenge against the Acheron may cloud his judgment and endanger the entire crew.
During one of the storms, Crowe had to decide whether to save one of the sailors who fell overboard or save the whole ship that was sinking. While wearing his Napoleon hat, Crowe had the difficult decision of having to choose between the lesser of two evils.
Although this wasn't a pirate movie, it reminded me of one of my favorite videogames, Pirates. In the game, I learned about different ships and the rules of sailing.
One complaint I had was that it was hard to hear and understand what people were saying sometimes. I find that to be true with many movies. Actors should enunciate better or the sound editors need to do a better job. It's especially difficult to hear when they're talking fast with a thick British accent. Sometimes, people are talking too softly. Talk better, people!
I thought the movie was well made, overall, but I would never want to be on a ship like that in real life. I'd probably be puking all over the place everyday for many months. After our senior class trip in college when we went deep sea fishing, I swore that I would never go on a boat ever again. I still plan to keep that promise. God, I still have painful memories of that tragic day when all of us were blowing chunks non-stop for 8 hours.
Another big reason, I wouldn't want to be on that boat would be that it's filled with about 200 stinky sailors and no women. That would be one of the worst prisons to be on. A rolling puke inducing prison where all the guys haven't taken showers since they first boarded the ship. How did they keep the food from spoiling after long trips without refrigeration? The food must have been terrible. What were the sleeping conditions like? Unimaginably awful, I assume. What about the bathrooms? I have to go the bathroom a lot and I bet the conditions would be pretty bad. You better pray you don't get hurt or if you do, you better pray that you die instantly during sea battles. Otherwise, you'd get surgery with unsanitary instruments. Can you imagine them sawing your arm off with a dull dirty knife? Yoinks!
I'm glad it's just a movie. If I had to board that ship for Her Majesty's service, I'd probably jump off and drown just like that one dork did in the movie.
The highs: Realistic naval battles, great epic feel.
The lows: 197 sweaty stinkin' sailors. Hard to understand what people are saying at times.
The Verdict: A swashbuckling epic without pirates.
My rating: 88, B.
The Constant Gardener
The Constant Gardener and his wife, Tess.
I don't like gardening, but I liked this movie. Don't worry. The movie isn't really about gardening at all.
The movie is based on the bestselling novel by John Le Carre. The story contains elements of romance, spy thriller, and social commentary on pharmaceutical companies. I liked the nonlinear storytelling in this movie. It worked for me. This movie was like watching a mystery novel. Although, it was kinda obvious to me that the big evil pharmaceutical company was behind the murders.
**********Spoiler Alert*******************************
Oh, by the way, this review contains spoilers just like all my movie reviews do.
******************************************************
Ralph Fiennes stars as John Quayle, a British diplomat. Rachel Weisz stars as Tessa.
Ms. Weisz won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in 2006.
Quayle is a quiet British diplomat that loves to garden. He is very diplomatic in that he doesn't like to offend anyone. While giving a speech, he meets Tessa. Tess starts arguing with him. Later she apologizes. She invites him over for a cup of hot coffee.
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas' infamous "Hot Coffee" mod that stirred up so much controversy recently seemed to be profoundly phrophetic in telling what would happen in this movie. Once a woman invites a man over to have some "hot coffee", it appears that that is a secret code word for boning. And that's exactly what they did immediately after they went inside her house.
The movie begins with Tess leaving for Africa. Then, it goes to a scene with an old jeep that seemed to have been flipped over to the side after it was blown up.
The movie was shot very artistically and the nonlinear approach to the storyline helped with that effect.
His friend, Sandy, another diplomat, tells him the bad news about his wife. At first, he seemed to be a good friend. Later on, we realize how sleazy he was. He was secretly in love with Tess. He was always coming on to her. The movie's nonlinear approach makes it seem like she had an affair with him in the beginning. Afterwards, we discover that Tess was a faithful wife.
Tess was some kind of radical hippy doctor-type that helped out in the aid to Africa. She learns that the drugs provided to Africans afflicted with AIDS and TB were actually killing people. The drug company was using African people to test their drugs. She writes a report to the president of the drug company. A letter is given to Sandy, but he keeps it to himself instead of sharing the contents with Tess. Sandy is on the conspiracy to hide what the pharmaceuticals are doing. Tess really really wants to know what the letter says. She knows that Sandy wants her. She says that she will give him what he wants if she can read the letter. Due to Sandy's horniness, he agrees to do it even though it brings danger to himself.
Tess keeps everything to herself without telling her husband, Quayle, because she wanted to protect him. She knew that she was in danger and didn't want him to get involved too.
Meanwhile, Quayle is suspecting that Tess is having an affair with her other African friend, Arnold Bluhm. But, later he finds out that Arnold was gay. What a relief, he thinks.
Quayle eventually discovers the truth that the president of the pharmaceutical company ordered her death. He discovers that they are testing Africans as live subjects for their drugs.
I found that this movie was very eye-opening in what may have been happening to people in Africa. The drug companies were testing their drugs for research so that they could later release it to the richer nations. They pretended that they were being charitable to African peoples who have been devastated by several plagues and diseases.
Quayle is later shot to death by a gang who is hired by the big bad corporation. Quayle however makes his peace with Tess and her death. He goes to the site where she died. Tess' cousin reads the letter hidden by Sandy in front of everyone at Quayle's funeral and the media start hounding the president of the pharmaceutical company.
Quayle kept thinking back to the times he was with Tess. He kept thinking of the times when Tess was naked. Was she pregnant by the way? How'd they make her look pregnant when she was totally naked? In the beginning Tess was thin. Then, they show times when Tess was pregnant and naked. Now, that's great job by the make-up department.
Highs: Superb acting by everyone (you can actually see the muscles tensing up in their faces when they're asked a stressful question!), great artistic filmmaking, nice scenery, nonlinear storyline that works, intriguing revelation about pharmaceutical companies.
Lows: Maybe very confusing at times, insinuations about Tess' unfaithfulness.
The Verdict: A great artistic thriller with a great socially relevant message.
My rating: A-, 90.
We made candy airplanes at Sunday School this past Sunday. You get a stick of Wrigley's gum, 2 pieces of Life Saver's candy, a roll of tart candy like you see in the picture, a rubber band, and a colored sheet of paper to wrap around the stick of gum. You can write down a message like "Jesus loves me" or your favorite churchy phrase. The 2nd grade kids loved it and so did I. We had a small aerial battle after we made them.
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