Here's a picture of me driving the new Miata at Mazda's Zoom Zoom Live driving event on August 28, 2005. This was at the Pomona Fairplex. I had a fun time there when I was driving. The lines were way too long though. I had to wait over an hour to race this Miata. Yoinks! You know how impatient I am! I drove like a maniac so I had fun. The tires were screaming for mercy around every corner. Muhahahaha.
Click on the picture to see my other fun pictures on my flickr.com/photos/davidmkim site.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Zoom
Monday, August 29, 2005
Zoom Zoom Live
On Saturday, Sarah and I had dinner with her family. We went to this sushi place and spent about $200. Geez! The waitress said that the soju was free. So, I kept downing them. Unfortunately, she meant only the first bottle was free. Dang it! If I knew that I wouldn't have kept ordering more. I kinda got a little bit tipsy. I remember when I could drink 4 bottles of Soju and 8 bottles of beer in one night when I went to Korea for my summer abroad program during law school. Since I didn't drink any alcohol for so long, just a couple of bottles got me drunk. I had a big hangover the next morning at church.
After church, my friend, Andy Nagai, picked me up at church and we went to Mazda's Zoom Zoom Live Driving Event. Even though I felt like puking at church, once I was there, my hangover was gone because of all the adrenaline that rushed through my body. We got to race the new Miatas around a small test track at the Pomona Fairplex. It was like autocrossing. The target time was 36 seconds and I got 37 seconds. I drove like a maniac. I had my foot on the gas the whole time and my tires were screaching all over the place. I would have had a better time if I didn't drive so crazy. But, I just wanted to have fun. I almost lost control of the car a few times, because I gave it too much gas. It was fun, 'cuz I was the loudest one on the track.
We also drove the RX-8's, but that course had instructors sitting in the passenger seat. The instructor kept yelling, "Brake! Brake! Brake!" at me the whole time. He ruined my fun. I wanted to tell him, "Shut the hell up and close your eyes."
Andy drove like a grandma on some tracks. Why'd he drive so slow? He started driving faster later on when we drove the Mazda 6. I drove the Mazda 5 also. It's like a mini mini-van. That was the best handling mini-van I've ever driven. It was much better than the old Aerostar my parents used to have.
It was pretty hot there and they only had warm water. The food wasn't that good either. I'm planning on going to the Lexus driving event. I hear that they are going to have gourmet food there. It's all part of their Lexus lifestyle marketing plan.
We wanted to race again, but the lines were so long that we got too tired. We went to the Mazda Zoom Zoom Live driving event and all we got were a couple of stupid t-shirts.
After church, my friend, Andy Nagai, picked me up at church and we went to Mazda's Zoom Zoom Live Driving Event. Even though I felt like puking at church, once I was there, my hangover was gone because of all the adrenaline that rushed through my body. We got to race the new Miatas around a small test track at the Pomona Fairplex. It was like autocrossing. The target time was 36 seconds and I got 37 seconds. I drove like a maniac. I had my foot on the gas the whole time and my tires were screaching all over the place. I would have had a better time if I didn't drive so crazy. But, I just wanted to have fun. I almost lost control of the car a few times, because I gave it too much gas. It was fun, 'cuz I was the loudest one on the track.
We also drove the RX-8's, but that course had instructors sitting in the passenger seat. The instructor kept yelling, "Brake! Brake! Brake!" at me the whole time. He ruined my fun. I wanted to tell him, "Shut the hell up and close your eyes."
Andy drove like a grandma on some tracks. Why'd he drive so slow? He started driving faster later on when we drove the Mazda 6. I drove the Mazda 5 also. It's like a mini mini-van. That was the best handling mini-van I've ever driven. It was much better than the old Aerostar my parents used to have.
It was pretty hot there and they only had warm water. The food wasn't that good either. I'm planning on going to the Lexus driving event. I hear that they are going to have gourmet food there. It's all part of their Lexus lifestyle marketing plan.
We wanted to race again, but the lines were so long that we got too tired. We went to the Mazda Zoom Zoom Live driving event and all we got were a couple of stupid t-shirts.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Can't reach my butt
Click on the link below or the title of this post to see a ton of more funny pictures on my flickr site:
www.flickr.com/photos/davidmkim/
You guys will love it. I've got over 150 pictures so far. You can put comments on them too.
Ghetto Prom Pictures
Man! And you guys thought your prom was bad. These pictures are pretty embarassing to look at. Click on this picture to see more of these outrageous pictures and also other funny pictures. Thanks to my friends who sent me these great pictures.
www.flickr.com/photos/davidmkim/
Friday, August 26, 2005
Alligator shoes sm
Click on this picture to see several more interesting and funny pictures that I've loaded to my flickr site. You can also check them by exactly typing:
www.flickr.com/photos/davidmkim/
Pastor Iris' Karaoke Party
Here's a picture from Pastor Iris' party back in June of this year. Sorry, but the picture of me singing karaoke has been lost. That's okay I guess, 'cuz I must have looked like a fool.
Click on the title of this post for the link to my Yahoo Photo Album. It's in the miscellaneous section.
Sarah's Graduation Revisited
Here's another picture of Sarah's graduation. She is now a full-fledged bonafide licensed pharmacist. She's working at Rite Aid right now. I'm sorry it's been taking awhile to post pictures. I've been extremely backed up with work and stuff to do. I'll try my best to catch up and do a better job.
Click on the title of this post for the link to my Yahoo Photo Album. These are in the Sarah's Graduation album.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Sarah's Birthday, August 21
On Friday, August 19, 2005, Sarah and I had some church friends come over. We cooked Korean BBQ stuff, like galbi, sam gyub ssal, and cha dohl bae gi. That was some good stuff. I have to remember not to eat so much though. I stayed up til 3 in the morning, because all my poo was backed up. I had to wait until I could poo so that I could sleep.
On Saturday, I waxed our Honda Accord. I usually do a really good job of waxing, but since I've been so busy lately, I did a rush job. Don't wax the car in the garage. It's hard to see the wax. Oh well.
Later that evening we went to a Christian Retreat. It was terrible. I couldn't sleep at all until about 2 am or so. Then, we woke up early for the 6 am service. Yoinks.
Sunday was Sarah's birthday. We had another Korean BBQ at our place. This time we invited our family over. I can never learn about controlling how much I eat if there's a lot of food in front of me. I stayed up late again with the same too much food/can't poo problem. No wonder why I'm always tired at work.
On Saturday, I waxed our Honda Accord. I usually do a really good job of waxing, but since I've been so busy lately, I did a rush job. Don't wax the car in the garage. It's hard to see the wax. Oh well.
Later that evening we went to a Christian Retreat. It was terrible. I couldn't sleep at all until about 2 am or so. Then, we woke up early for the 6 am service. Yoinks.
Sunday was Sarah's birthday. We had another Korean BBQ at our place. This time we invited our family over. I can never learn about controlling how much I eat if there's a lot of food in front of me. I stayed up late again with the same too much food/can't poo problem. No wonder why I'm always tired at work.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Comedy Central Roasts Pamela Anderson
Click on the title of this post or the link below to see a video clip of Sarah Silverman Roasting Pamela Anderson. Warning: Even though these clips are already censored, they're not for church types. You need a lot of patience with these Quicktime files. They take like 5 minutes to load, but they're hilarious, except for the last one. The last one is sad. While you're waiting for these files to load, open up another browser and read my blog, dammit! I've noticed my viewership is diminishing.
http://www.milkandcookies.com/links/34665/
Here's a link of Jeffrey Ross roasting Pam:
http://www.milkandcookies.com/links/34687/
Here's a link of Courtney Love roasting Pam:
http://www.milkandcookies.com/links/34668/
To me, this last one's not that funny. It's actually quite sad to see Courtney Love being her true self, a crack whore.
http://www.milkandcookies.com/links/34665/
Here's a link of Jeffrey Ross roasting Pam:
http://www.milkandcookies.com/links/34687/
Here's a link of Courtney Love roasting Pam:
http://www.milkandcookies.com/links/34668/
To me, this last one's not that funny. It's actually quite sad to see Courtney Love being her true self, a crack whore.
Family Guy: Ipecac Vomiting
Sarah had food poisoning last week. She left work early because she was so sick. She felt like puking, but couldn't. She wanted me to buy her some Ipecac from Rite Aid nearby. They didn't sell any. Fortunately, she was able to puke a little bit and felt better after lots of rest.
I saw a clip of this Family Guy episode where they drink some Ipecac. I'm so glad that Sarah didn't have to take any of this stuff. Man, that stuff is some serious puke-inducing stuff as illustrated by this Family Guy video clip. Click on the title of this post to view it. Have some patience. It takes a couple minutes to load, but it's worth viewing. It made me crack up.
-Speaking of puking, this reminds me of my favorite vomiting memory. It was during senior year at UCSD. Some of the guys decided to on a Senior Class Trip. It was on a Saturday and we debated about where to go. We finally chose to go on a deep sea fishing trip. I packed up some food so we could eat on the fishing boat. When we first got on the boat, we were having fun, laughing and eating. Then after about half an hour, some of the guys started getting seasick. I felt fine for awhile. I think Chris was the first to puke. Then, Joseph. Then, Hui. Then, Seung. I was thinking to myself, "Boy, these guys are weak." I called them "Cowardly Landlubbers." While those guys kept going back and forth puking over the side of the fishing boat, I tried to reel in some fish. I started getting a little bit nauseated, but I tried to fight it. Then, when I was reeling in my fishing pole, some nasty seawater got in my mouth. That was the straw that broke me. I couldn't hold it in any longer and started hurling all my barf over the boat. Some of the other fishermen got mad because they couldn't catch any fish. All the fish were eating my chunks. My puke was orange because I ate a lot of bread and oranges earlier. Every few minutes, I kept blowing chunks over the boat. After I awhile, I had nothing in my stomach, but I kept hurling. It started hurting really bad, because all my stomach acid was coming out. Unfortunately, we couldn't go back to land, because it was an 8 hour tour. I felt like dying. Fortunately, none of us died. When we finally made it to shore, I kissed the ground and swore that I would never go on a boat again. Til this day, I still haven't gone on one. We were inexperienced fishermen. We didn't know that we'd get so seasick. We should have taken some anti-seasickness pills. We thought we were young and healthy so we thought nothing would happen to us. Boy, were we wrong. We invited some of the Senior girls to come, but lucky for them, they declined. Otherwise, they would have really hated us.
I saw a clip of this Family Guy episode where they drink some Ipecac. I'm so glad that Sarah didn't have to take any of this stuff. Man, that stuff is some serious puke-inducing stuff as illustrated by this Family Guy video clip. Click on the title of this post to view it. Have some patience. It takes a couple minutes to load, but it's worth viewing. It made me crack up.
-Speaking of puking, this reminds me of my favorite vomiting memory. It was during senior year at UCSD. Some of the guys decided to on a Senior Class Trip. It was on a Saturday and we debated about where to go. We finally chose to go on a deep sea fishing trip. I packed up some food so we could eat on the fishing boat. When we first got on the boat, we were having fun, laughing and eating. Then after about half an hour, some of the guys started getting seasick. I felt fine for awhile. I think Chris was the first to puke. Then, Joseph. Then, Hui. Then, Seung. I was thinking to myself, "Boy, these guys are weak." I called them "Cowardly Landlubbers." While those guys kept going back and forth puking over the side of the fishing boat, I tried to reel in some fish. I started getting a little bit nauseated, but I tried to fight it. Then, when I was reeling in my fishing pole, some nasty seawater got in my mouth. That was the straw that broke me. I couldn't hold it in any longer and started hurling all my barf over the boat. Some of the other fishermen got mad because they couldn't catch any fish. All the fish were eating my chunks. My puke was orange because I ate a lot of bread and oranges earlier. Every few minutes, I kept blowing chunks over the boat. After I awhile, I had nothing in my stomach, but I kept hurling. It started hurting really bad, because all my stomach acid was coming out. Unfortunately, we couldn't go back to land, because it was an 8 hour tour. I felt like dying. Fortunately, none of us died. When we finally made it to shore, I kissed the ground and swore that I would never go on a boat again. Til this day, I still haven't gone on one. We were inexperienced fishermen. We didn't know that we'd get so seasick. We should have taken some anti-seasickness pills. We thought we were young and healthy so we thought nothing would happen to us. Boy, were we wrong. We invited some of the Senior girls to come, but lucky for them, they declined. Otherwise, they would have really hated us.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Click here to view this awesome skydiving video
I had a dream recently that I went on a business trip with some of my coworkers. After we were done with work, we went base jumping off a very tall bridge over a river. I want to fly so much that I keep dreaming about it.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Over the weekend
On Friday, August 12, 2005, we celebrated my mom's birthday at a Korean BBQ Buffet place. I think it was called Feedibles or something. Wacky name, eh? It's in Rowland Heights on Fullerton and Colima. I hate buffets because I always pig out. Then, my stomach expands even more. I'm like a fish. I'll eat myself to death. Then, we went home and had some more birthday cake. Yikes.
On Saturday, I got my windows tinted on my Honda Accord V-6 EX. I got ultra-dark tint on 5 windows. It looks cool, but I'm hoping the cops won't pull us over for it. You can't even see through the windows. Now, that's privacy. It's like a limo in there. I can make faces at people and they won't even try to pull a gun at me on the freeways now.
On Sunday, instead of going to the auto show again, I went shopping to buy Sarah her birthday present. Her birthday is on Sunday, August 21. I went all out and bought her a nice Bulova watch with a bunch of diamonds in it. I also bought her something from Victoria's Secret. That should be a great birthday next week. Especially for me! Kekeke.
On Saturday, I got my windows tinted on my Honda Accord V-6 EX. I got ultra-dark tint on 5 windows. It looks cool, but I'm hoping the cops won't pull us over for it. You can't even see through the windows. Now, that's privacy. It's like a limo in there. I can make faces at people and they won't even try to pull a gun at me on the freeways now.
On Sunday, instead of going to the auto show again, I went shopping to buy Sarah her birthday present. Her birthday is on Sunday, August 21. I went all out and bought her a nice Bulova watch with a bunch of diamonds in it. I also bought her something from Victoria's Secret. That should be a great birthday next week. Especially for me! Kekeke.
Not all blondes are dumb
Early one Wednesday morning in Las Vegas, two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps table. An extremely attractive blonde walked up and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she quickly stripped off all her clothes, rolled the dice then yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON." She immediately hugged each of the dealers then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know -- I thought you were watching."
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Friday, August 12, 2005
A day in the life of David Kim
Okay, it's been awhile since I wrote a real blog. The truth is Sarah doesn't want me writing too much about our private lives. So, I've been holding back a little bit. (More censorship!)
I've been biking to work and it's awesome. I think everybody should bike everywhere like me. It will really make the world a better place. There will be less pollution, less traffic, and healthier people. When you're healthier, you're happier. When you're happier, you're nicer. That niceness will spread across the land if everyone biked.
Sometimes, I do get bike rage when cars honk at me or cut me off or almost sideswipe me. I catch up to cars at the stop light and curse the hell out of them. I'm biking over 30 miles an hour at times. I'm beginning to bike faster and faster. Nearly everyday, I'm breaking my record to and from work. I had another record breaker today. It took me 33 minutes from the time I got on my bike to the time I got off. The distance is 9.6 miles. The first time I rode to work, it took me nearly 50 minutes. If I keep improving at this pace, I could bike in the Tour de France.
After work, I go swimming for awhile. Then, I go jogging with Sarah sometimes. If we get kids, I'm going to have my whole family compete in triathalons, including Sarah. We need to go on a diet, by the way. We eat like kings at home. Or maybe pigs. Or kings of pigs. Exercise has become really important to me now that I'm older. Since I reached 31, I definitely noticed that I'm not in as good shape as I was in my teens or in my 20s. I thought my 30s were going to be just my extended 20's. I was wrong. I'm not Peter Pan. Dang it!
Today, August 12, is my mom's birthday. We're going to go out and celebrate tonight.
August 21 is my wife, Sarah's, birthday. I'm trying to think of some cool ideas to celebrate her birthday. What should we do? What should I buy her?
I've been biking to work and it's awesome. I think everybody should bike everywhere like me. It will really make the world a better place. There will be less pollution, less traffic, and healthier people. When you're healthier, you're happier. When you're happier, you're nicer. That niceness will spread across the land if everyone biked.
Sometimes, I do get bike rage when cars honk at me or cut me off or almost sideswipe me. I catch up to cars at the stop light and curse the hell out of them. I'm biking over 30 miles an hour at times. I'm beginning to bike faster and faster. Nearly everyday, I'm breaking my record to and from work. I had another record breaker today. It took me 33 minutes from the time I got on my bike to the time I got off. The distance is 9.6 miles. The first time I rode to work, it took me nearly 50 minutes. If I keep improving at this pace, I could bike in the Tour de France.
After work, I go swimming for awhile. Then, I go jogging with Sarah sometimes. If we get kids, I'm going to have my whole family compete in triathalons, including Sarah. We need to go on a diet, by the way. We eat like kings at home. Or maybe pigs. Or kings of pigs. Exercise has become really important to me now that I'm older. Since I reached 31, I definitely noticed that I'm not in as good shape as I was in my teens or in my 20s. I thought my 30s were going to be just my extended 20's. I was wrong. I'm not Peter Pan. Dang it!
Today, August 12, is my mom's birthday. We're going to go out and celebrate tonight.
August 21 is my wife, Sarah's, birthday. I'm trying to think of some cool ideas to celebrate her birthday. What should we do? What should I buy her?
Widdle Wabbits
Widdle Wabbits (A Thory to Warm Your Heart)
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me mithter, do you have widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so he's on her level, and asks "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She inturn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, "I don't think my pet pyfon weally givth a thit."
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me mithter, do you have widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so he's on her level, and asks "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She inturn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, "I don't think my pet pyfon weally givth a thit."
Disorder in the American Courts
I haven't seen these for awhile, but they never cease to make me laugh outloud. Everyone needs a good laugh, so enjoy and share! These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm as these exchanges were actually taking place. Be sure to read the last one!
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn'tknow about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? --------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time? -------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls? ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated? --------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female? ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. --------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral. ---------------------------------------------------------------- -----
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. --------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? --------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn'tknow about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? --------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time? -------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls? ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated? --------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female? ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. --------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral. ---------------------------------------------------------------- -----
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. --------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? --------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Senior Thoughts
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beercans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case ofan emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are wesupposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beercans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case ofan emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are wesupposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
Senior Moments
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Becareful.'"
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" " No," he replied, "arthritis."
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Becareful.'"
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" " No," he replied, "arthritis."
No Spikka Inglish
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I comeone lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives......"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justatellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I comeone lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives......"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justatellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Men's Rules
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. No you really do have too many shoes.
1. BEER (Videogames-my input) is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. No you really do have too many shoes.
1. BEER (Videogames-my input) is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
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