Top 100 "Facts" about Chuck Norris

These Top 100 Facts about Chuck Norris sound very suspect to me. I actually don't think he's that cool. Bruce Lee totally kicks his ass. Did you watch Bruce Lee kick Chuck Norris' ass in "Way of the Dragon"? Nevermind the fact that it was Bruce Lee's movie. I think you can pretty much insert your favorite tough-guy action hero
in place of Chuck Norris and get the same joy. I didn't know that people looked up to him so much. He seems to be over-the-hill now. Submitted by A.N.

Sorry for the lack of frequent updates lately. I've been "working hard."


1. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

2. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

3. It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.

4. Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.

5. Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

6. Chuck Norris can speak braille.

7. Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.

8. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.


9. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.


10. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

12. Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.

13. The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

14. Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

15. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

16. The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.

17. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

18. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

19. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

20. Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

22. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

23. If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.

24. Objects in Chuck Norris's rear-view mirror appear at their correct distances.

25. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

26. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

27. Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

28. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

29. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

30. Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.

31. Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

32. Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.

33. Sperm count for a normal human male ranges from 20-150 million. Chuck Norris' sperm count is only one, but it's two feet long, and wants out NOW.

34. Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

35. If you try video taping Chuck Norris without his permission you will very quickly be filming the inside of your own ass.

36. The movie Anaconda was filmed in Chuck Norris' pants.

37. Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

38. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

39. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

40. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

41. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

42. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

43. Chuck Norris uses Viagra eyedrops so he can look hard.

44. There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

45. Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

46. There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer because Chuck Norris is always in control.

47. Jawbreakers were originally in the shape of Chuck Norris' fist.

48. If you know some one who doesn't like Chuck Norris, you won't know them for long.

49. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

50. The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

51. Chuck Norris is the reason for Attention Deficit Disorder. There is no way anyone can pay attention when they know Chuck Norris is lurking.

52. When Chuck Norris visited the Vatican, he took the Pope's confession.

53. Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

54. Chuck Norris once fell into a pool of toxic waste, and the toxic waste gained super powers.

55. When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

56. Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, "Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy, and a Whole Shitload of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris."

57. Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

58. Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

59. Chuck Norris is like corn. No matter how much shit he is in, he still comes out in one piece.


69. If you stare directly into the sun it will bring some eye problems. If you stare directly into Chuck Norris it will bring death.

70. The Surgeon General once tried to warn the public that interactions with Chuck Norris may cause a serious risk to your health, and could even result in death. Ironically, Chuck Norris responded to this warning with a fatal slow-motion roundhouse kick to the Surgeon General's jugular. No one warns Chuck Norris about Chuck Norris except Chuck Norris.

71. Ozzy Osbourne ate the head of a bat, but Chuck Norris ate Batman.

72. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked cancer so hard he gave it AIDS.

73. Chuck Norris shit his pants once in his life. That was when Chuck Norris saw a picture of Chuck Norris for the first time.

74. Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

75. Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.

76. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

77. Anything you can do Chuck Norris can do better.

78. If Chuck Norris were a flower, it wouldn't fucking matter what kind, he would still get more action than you.

79. Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

80. We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

81. When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.

82. Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.

83. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

84. Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

85. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

86. Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

87. When Chuck Norris gets in a car crash the air bags do not save Chuck Norris, they save the car.

88. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

89. Chuck Norris invented the internet so people could talk about how great Chuck Norris is.

90. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

91. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

92. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

93. Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.

94. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

95. There is three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way and the Chuck Norris way. The Chuck Norris way is just the wrong way but with more roundhouse kicks.

96. Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."

97. One day Chuck Norris accidentally severed his arm at the elbow while putting kittens in a wood chipper. He laughed and mocked the drummer from Def Leopard. His arm grew back in 30 minutes.

98. Chuck Norris always has the right of way.

99. As a child, Chuck Norris played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos.

100. Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.


101. The fences at the zoo are to keep the animals safe from Chuck Norris.

102. To show its patriotism, the American flag recently got a tattoo of Chuck Norris.

103. "Death by Chuck Norris" is a legal method of execution in 39 states.

104. Chuck Norris goes uphill skiing.

105. When asked why he round-house kicked an entire school of children Chuck Norris replies "I don't like Mondays." When informed that it was Tuesday he replied "I still don't like Mondays."

106. In order to speed up the wait time for death row inmates, Texas added death by roundhouse kicks to the list of acceptable methods of execution. The wait has gone down from 7 years to before you step out of the courthouse.

107. The only reason the Energizer Bunny keeps going and going is because it knows Chuck Norris is after it.

108. Jeeves asks Chuck Norris.


109. Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.



Chuck Norris is allowed to have 109 Top 100 Facts about Chuck Norris.