Around the World in 80 Days (2004)

A terrible remake by Disney of Jules Verne's classic novel. Phileas Fogg accepts a challenge by Lord Kelvin to circumnavigate the globe in only 80 Days. Jackie Chan accompanies him as his valet. Along the way, they pick up a French girl in an art gallery in France. She says she wants to see the world to inspire her paintings.

Since Jackie Chan stars in this movie, it's not as bad as it could have been. At least he brings action and comedy to this film. It's not Jackie's best work, however.

The story seems to be have been written by clowns. It's totally goofy and gay. All the gags are pretty lame. I actually liked the older tv version of this movie starring Pierce Brosnan better. That one was less goofy. Brosnan gave it some class.

The movie is fast-paced and is well suited for kids with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). When the camera shows their next destination, the settings look like something from the It's a Small World ride. It's very dorky.

Everyone overacts. They all behave like overgrown children. You can't take anything seriously in this movie.

The movie is colorful, and it looks like it has been filmed in many countries the threesome supposedly traveled through.

There's a lot of scenes that look like they've been deleted. In one scene, the gang is in the Wild West. They meet the Wright Brothers. They ask if they've seen Jackie and the Wright Brothers said that he's in the back of their wagon. I'm sure there were some deleted scenes to keep the movie short. You're just left wondering, "What happened?". How'd Jackie end up in the Wright Brothers' wagon?

Also, it shows that they went over the Himalayas, but they don't show how they crossed it. I'm beginning to seriously doubt that it is possible to cross the world in 80 days back in the late 1800's. There's a lot of similar things in the movie that were just glossed over.

One time, they meet Arnold Schwarzeneggar who plays a Turkish prince. He actually seems to play himself--a womanizing spoiled egotistical governor. He proposes to the French girl to be his Wife #7. This way, he can have a different wife each day of the week. If I was the prince, I would have just one wife and many concubines. I'm just kidding, one wife is enough. I'm happy with just one wife. Arnold asks, "Will Tuesdays work for you?"

The French girl then asks, "You have seven wives?"

No, stupid girl. Arnold has six wives. He's asking you to be his seventh wife. Learn some math instead of drawing your childish pictures. One of her paintings she showed to Fogg was a tic-tac-toe game.

When traveling through China, Jackie reveals that he's one of the 10 Tigers. The 10 Tigers are his brothers and sisters. Why did he travel alone to get the Jade Buddha back? The Chinese warlord had a gang that traveled with her to England.

When Fogg runs off to San Francisco alone, he gets his bags stolen and becomes a stinky bum. Somehow Jackie and Frenchie find him right away in a town as big as San Francisco. Yeah, right!

Near the end, the threesome make a flying contraption from the parts from the boat they're on. The thing looks like it'll fall apart and drop like a rock. Anyway, we're supposed to believe that they can fly and land safely in one piece after all the parts started falling apart.

In the last scene, an imbecile of a sheriff, who has been chasing the three across the world, tries to walk up the steps to the Academy with a broken arm. The cop starts falling back and Jackie tries to help him by grabbing his arm that's in a cast. The cast comes off, and the cop goes tumbling down the steps. Jackie holds the cast and shrugs his arms. Everyone starts laughing. Umm. . .excuse me. A guy with broken bones just fell down a hundred steps. That's something to laugh at? What's Disney trying to teach kids?

The movie had a ton of mistakes, but since it went at a fast pace and had Jackie's humor and fighting sequences in it, it wasn't that bad. I took it for what it was--an adventure comedy. I wasn't entirely bored. It might be a good family film that will entertain the kiddies. The movie went quickly from one scene to the next. I guess the three were in a rush to win the bet, so they didn't stay in one scene too long. I just think that they should have tightened up the loose ends better. There's a lot of scenes in the movie where you wonder, "How'd they do that?"

The Highs: Colorful; sometimes witty; Jackie Chan's fighting; fast pace.

The Lows: Low IQ required to fully appreciate the finer qualities of this movie.

The Verdict: Disney's It's A Small World After All version of Jules Verne's classic.

My rating: C, 71.