Friday, March 02, 2007



First, I'd like to thank god and all my fans for helping me win this award. I want to thank my wife, Sarah, for supporting me throughout my crazy stages and for making me censor some of my own blog posts. She really helped me from going overboard with some material and from losing even more friends. If it wasn't for her, I would have offended everybody, even though I didn't really care at the time.

Thanks to all my friends and family for your continued support and for giving me something to blog about.

I want to thank Google and Blogger.com and the almighty Internet. Without you, I would have no blog.

I don't want to forget to thank anyone, even all the little insignificant people in my life, but due to limited time and the fact that I don't remember all your names, I'll leave it at that.

I hope to improve even more and live up to your high expectations you have placed upon me with this award.


My star.


Misfortune cookie.


I have the best fans in the world!


Who do you trust more? Arnold or me?

Funny Church Signs

Check out this link to a collection of real church signs that are pretty funny.





Make your next Valentine's Day more special with these limited edition Heart Candies.


This license plate will surely get someone's unwanted attention!


My blog needs an advisory warning.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Top Gear



Here's a video clip of one of my favorite shows, Top Gear. It's British, but it's still a dang good car show nontheless. This would be a great show for all you gear heads. Do a search for "Top Gear" in YouTube.

Top Gear Richard Hammond Crash



Here's a video clip of the crash that nearly killed one of the Top Gear hosts, Richard "Hamster" Hammond. Thank goodness he survived!

He was out for awhile. I thought the show was going to be canceled or something.

Crystal Cove Car Show




Here's a video of the Crystal Cove Car Show in Newport Beach, California. This is where I took my wife to see some hot exotic cars. I also went with Josh there too last year. It's too bad that they don't have the car show there anymore. They'll probably find another venue for this show since it's so popular. Once I find it, I'll be there!

Second Life Losing Its Virtues?

Here's a link to an article I came across on the L.A. Times. Some people have entered the world of Second Life seeking a utopia in which to live out their fantasy lives. However, due to the tremendously growing popularity of Second Life, millions of people all over the world are now playing it. Even giant corporations such as Circuit City and Toyota have entered seeking to sell virtual items.

Some residents of Second Life have joined together known as the Second Life Liberation Army to fight back against the growing commercialism. They disrupt events with bomb scripts and guns. It sounds almost like the movie "Fight Club".

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!



1.. You walka pasta da bakery.



2.. You walka pasta da candy store.



3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.



4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.



You will lose weight!


Thanks to A.M. for this great pasta tip!

Ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair
Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with
that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious
face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go T o A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All
Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."


Submitted by A.M.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

4 Brothers

Four brothers left home for college and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had a Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.

About a month later the Mama wrote her thank you notes:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home and I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank You."

Sick Notes

Sick Notes

These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district...(spellings have been left intact.)

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s. [note: words in ( )'s were crossed out] .

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being.It was his father's fault.

15. I kept billie home because she had to go christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer fo! R missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Ple ase excuse jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids!


Thanks to A.M. for this submission!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Fifty Uses for Vinegar

>>
>> 1 Kill grass on walks and driveways.
>>
>> 2 Kill weeds. Spray full strength on growth until plants have starved.
>>
>> 3 Increase soil acidity. In hard water: one gallon of tap water for
>> watering
>> rhododendrons, gardenias, or azaleas.
>>
>> 4 Deter ants. Spray vinegar around doors, appliances, and along other
>> areas where ants are known.
>>
>> 5 Polish car chrome. Apply full strength.
>>
>> 6 Remove skunk odor from a dog. Rub fur with full strength vinegar;
>rinse.
>>
>> 7 Keep cats away. Sprinkle vinegar on areas you don't want the cat
>walking,
>> sleeping, or scratchingon.
>>
>> 8 Keep dogs from scratching his ears. Use a clean, soft cloth dipped in
>> diluted vinegar.
>>
>> 9 Keep chickens from pecking each other. Put a little in their drinking
>> water.
>>
>> 10 Tenderize meat. Soak in vinegar over night.
>>
>> 11 Freshen vegetables. Soak wilted vegetables in 2 cups of water and a
>> tablespoon of vinegar.
>>
>> 12 Boil better eggs. Add 2 tablespoons to water before boiling eggs.
>Keeps
>> them from cracking.
>>
>> 13 Soothe a bee or jellyfish sting. Dot the irritation with vinegar and
>> relieve itching.
>>
>> 14 Relieve sunburn. Lightly rub white vinegar; you may have to reapply.
>>
>> 15 Condition hair. Add a tablespoon of vinegar to dissolve sticky residue
>> left by shampoo.
>>
>> 16 Relieve dry and itchy skin. Add 2 tablespoons to bath water.
>>
>> 17 Fight dandruff. After shampooing, rinse with vinegar and 2 cups of
>warm
>> water.
>>
>> 18 Soothe a sore throat. Put a teaspoon of vinegar in a glass of
>> water.Gargle, then swallow.
>>
>> 19 Treat sinus infections and chest colds. Add 1/4 cup or more vinegar to
>> the vaporizer.
>>
>> 20 Feel good. A teaspoon of apple cider vinegar in a glass of water, with
>a
>> bit of honey added for flavor, will take the edge off your appetite and
>> give you an overall healthy feeling.
>>
>> 21 Deodorize the kitchen drain. Pour a cup down the drain once a week.
>Let
>> stand 30 minutes and then flush with cold water.
>>
>> 22 Eliminate onion odor. Rub on your fingers before and after slicing.
>>
>> 23 Clean and disinfect wood cutting boards. Wipe with full strength
>> vinegar.
>>
>> 24 Remove fruit stains from hands. Rub with vinegar
>>
>> 25 Cut grease and odor on dishes. Add a tablespoon of vinegar to hot
>soapy
>> water.
>>
>> 26 Clean a teapot. Boil a mixture of water and vinegar in the teapot.
>Wipe
>> away the grime.
>>
>> 27 Freshen a lunchbox. Soak a piece of bread in vinegar and let it sit in
>> the lunchbox over night.
>>
>> 28 Clean the refrigerator. Wash with a solution of equal parts water and
>> vinegar.
>>
>> 29 Unclog a drain. Pour a handful of baking soda down the drain and add
>1/2
>> cup of vinegar. Rinse with hot water.
>>
>> 30 Clean and deodorize the garbage disposal. Make vinegar ice cubes and
>> feed
>> them down the disposal. After grinding, run cold water through.
>>
>> 31 Clean and deodorize jars. Rinse mayonnaise, peanut butter, and mustard
>> jars with vinegar when empty.
>>
>> 32 Clean the dishwasher. Run a cup of vinegar through the whole cycle
>once
>> a month to reduce soap build up on the inner mechanisms and on glassware.
>>
>> 33 Clean stainless steel. Wipe with a vinegar dampened cloth.
>>
>> 34 Clean china and fine glassware. Add a cup of vinegar to a sink of warm
>> water. Gently dip the glass or china in the solution and let dry.
>>
>> 35 Get stains out of pots. Fill pot with a solution of 3 tablespoons of
>> vinegar to a pint of water. Boil until stain loosens and can be washed
>away.
>>
>> 36 Clean the microwave. Boil a solution of 1/4 cup of vinegar and 1 cup of
>> water in the microwave. Will loosen splattered on food and deodorize.
>>
>> 37 Dissolve rust from bolts and other metals. Soak in full strength
>> vinegar.
>>
>> 38 Get rid of cooking smells. Let simmer a small pot of vinegar and water
>> solution.
>>
>> 39 Unclog steam iron. Pour equal amounts of vinegar and water into the
>> iron's water chamber. Turn to steam and leave the iron on for 5 minutes
>in
>> an
>> upright position. Then unplug and allow to cool. Any loose particles
>should
>> come out when you empty the water.
>>
>> 40 Clean a scorched iron plate. Heat equal parts vinegar and salt in a
>> small
>> pan. Rub solution on the cooled iron surface to remove dark or burned
>> stains.
>>
>> 41 Get rid of lint in clothes. Add 1/2 cup of vinegar to the rinse cycle.
>>
>> 42 Keep colors from running. Immerse clothes in full strength vinegar
>> before washing.
>>
>> 43 Freshen up the washing machine. Periodically, pour a cup of vinegar in
>> the
>> machine and let in run through a regular cycle (no clothes added). Will
>> dissolve soap residue.
>>
>> 44 Brighten fabric colors. Add a 1/2 cup vinegar to the rinse cycle.
>>
>> 45 Take grease off suede. Dip a toothbrush in vinegar and gently brush
>over
>> grease spot.
>>
>> 46 Remove tough stains. Gently rub on fruit, jam, mustard, coffee, tea.
>> Then wash as usual.
>>
>> 47 Get smoke smell out of clothes. Add a cup of vinegar to a bath tub of
>hot
>> water. Hang clothes above the steam.
>>
>> 48 Remove decals. Brush with a couple coats of vinegar. Allow to soak in.
>> Wash off.
>>
>> 49 Clean eyeglasses. Wipe each lens with a drop of vinegar.
>>
>> 50 Freshen cut flowers. Add 2 tablespoons vinegar and 1 teaspoon sugar
>for
>> each quart of water.


I have not verified whether or not these uses for vinegar work or not, so do so at your own risk. Don't blame me if it doesn't work.

Acceptable Uses for the "F" Word

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been
considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS
Titanic, 1912
10. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton, 1999
and a drum roll....................
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." Sadaam Hussein,
2003.

2 Nuns

There are two nuns taking a walk. One of them is known as Sister
> Mathematical(SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It
is
>
> getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
>
> SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
> thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
>
> SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
>
> SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.
What
> can we do?
>
> SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
>
> SM: It's not working
>
> SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
> started to walk faster too.
>
> SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
>
> SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll
> go this way. He cannot follow us both.
>
> So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical
arrives
> at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then
> Sister Logical arrives.
>
> SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
>
> SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,
so
> he followed me.
>
> SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
>
> SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could
> and he started to run as fast as he could.
>
> SM: And?
>
> SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
>
> SM: What did you do?
>
> SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
>
> SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
>
> SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
>
> SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
>
> SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than
> a man with his pants down........
>
> And those of you who thought it would be dirty, Pray for forgiveness
you
> heathens!