Rage Against the Machine

Laundry machine, that is.

This past Friday, Sarah and I went to the coin laundry to wash our blankets. This one washing machine stole $3.50 and a different machine stole another 50 cent.

Dang those machines! They're thieves. There were so many times when coin operated machines stole my money. I can't even break into them to get my money back, because that would be considered destruction of property.

We spent about $30 at the laundromat, because we washed all our blankets and sheets for spring cleaning.

Fortunately, I've never had any problems with bank ATM machines. . . . . Knock on wood.

What if an ATM machine deducted $200 from my bank account, but shortchanged me $20? That would suck.

I prefer dealing with real human beings. That way, I can quickly ask for help if there's a mistake or something. Although, you can't completely trust bank tellers either. One time, when I was getting coins for my parents' business, a bank teller shortchanged me by not giving me a roll of $10 in quarters. Never leave the bank without making sure you get the correct amount of money.


I got sick again this weekend too. I was recovering from a flu last week, but I got even more sick since my body was in a weakened condition. My eyes are red, my head hurts, and I have a sore throat. I'm struggling to stay awake.

The Incredible Rage

As many of you know, I'm usually an easy going happy-go-lucky type of guy. I try to be as nice as possible to everyone around me.

One time, someone warned me that I was too nice and that people might try to take advantage of me because of my niceness. Well, I thought that even though I'm nice guy, I wouldn't let people take advantage of me. There are just some things that I won't tolerate. I don't like to say no to people, but I will say no if I have to. But, just like the demure version of Jim Carrey in Me, Myself, and Irene, I think that people have looked down upon me because of my meekness. And if you saw the movie, you will know what happened to the nice guy. He finally cracked when he took too much abuse from people.

This happened to Bruce Banner also in The Incredible Hulk. Nice quiet shy guys turn into raging uncontrollable monsters when they finally crack. This also happened to Homer Simpson in the Angry Dad/Incredible Hulk episode of The Simpsons when Bart pushed him too far. Well, Homer can never really maintain self-control, cuz' he's always choking Bart to death.

This uncontrollable rage happens to me once in awhile when someone pushes my buttons to the limits. It's like I'm Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. I scare myself sometimes after I unleash my anger upon people. I don't know if I fit in the angry bulldog or striking cobra category of angry people. I've read that some people hold in all their angry feelings until one day, they explode and stay angry for a long time. Other people just snap back in anger very quickly and then calm down quickly.

When I finally lose my temper, all hell breaks loose. I start yelling and screaming obscenities towards my debating opponent. The more they yell back, the angrier and more unstable I become. I might then totally lose self-control by throwing and breaking things. Fists might start flying as well if things get worse.

I believe I try to stay as nice as possible in order to not trigger my uncontrollable anger. I'm frightened I might do something which I may later regret.

I remember getting into a lot of fights when I was a young kid at school. One day when some little punk kept teasing me by saying "Chinese, Japanese" and doing that slanted eye thing with his fingers, I felt that I finally had enough and I started smashing his face with my knuckles. I'm Korean, you piece of $%(& bleepin' @@@hole mo&*#$fo@#$%!!

Another time, this other kid pissed me off and I stabbed him with a sharp pencil. I didn't even mean to do it either. I just meant to hit the ground in frustration, but the pencil went through his hand. He started screaming so loudly and was balling like he was going to die. I got scared. I couldn't believe what I had done. He went to the doctor and I don't remember what happened after that. Fortunately, back then, they didn't sue as much as they do nowadays.

I remember I got into several fights in junior and senior high school too. I don't remember how one fight began, but one day some jerk-ass punk just punched me right in the eye. My eyeball turned yellow and my eye was red and swollen shut. I got so mad that I didn't let that guy go without rampaging on his face and eyes until he was black and blue all over. An eye for an eye, I guess.

These days, my total loss of self-control have been becoming more frequent than earlier before.

99% of the time, I'm supernice. I've got to control my temper somehow so that I will never lose self-control again. I better learn how to do this before I do something I will truly regret.

Forgive me father for I have sinned. . . A lot. . . Maybe too much. . . I'm going to shut up now.

Here's a picture of our new law school dean, Kevin Cole, and me at last night's alumni reception. He seems to look a bit tipsy from having had too much to drink. 

At the alumni reception, there were a lot of prospective law students and alumni at the City Club. I didn't take any pictures of them though. 

Last night, I went to the posh City Club for my law school alumni reception. I had some nice prime rib, fruits, and vegetables. I learned from my mistakes at the other office parties. I really controlled my drinking this time.  

Z-boys of Dogtown. Sweet board, dude! 

Lords of Dogtown

Gnarly 360 spin, man!

This movie is about the original skateboard legends who made what skateboarding is today. This movie takes place in the early 70's. It's kinda like a movie documentary of the Z-boys. If you liked this movie, be sure to check out the documentary of Dogtown and Z-boys.

Sure, you laugh at their plastic skateboards and waist high shorts, but these guys are the forefathers of skateboarding today. Skateboarding would not be where it is today, without the Z-boys, man. We are merely standing on the shoulders of giants. These guys didn't invent skateboarding, but they made skateboarding "cool". Otherwise, skateboarding would be associated with knee high socks and disco music. The Z-boys changed all that with their urban surf-style shredding.

The movie does have a dirty, gritty quality about it. It really brings the 70's back to life.

The Z-boys were just poor kids who grew up in Venice, which they called Dogtown because of the seaside slum environment. Skip Engblom, played by Heath Ledger, was the owner of the Zephyr Surf and Skate Shop. He recognized the talent of about a dozen of these poor skating slum kids and sponsored them in skateboard competitions. These guys just blew everyone away with their new radical style. They loved doing low powerslides with their hands. In the beginning, competitions didn't allow people to touch the ground with their hands. That rule disappeared after the star skater, Tony Alva, punched the official's lights out.

Yeah, a lot of their tricks are laughable compared to the absolutely astounding high flying tricks you see today on the vert ramp. You see a cameo appearance by Tony Hawk who plays an astronaut that can't skate at all. I saw Tony Hawk one time at the E3 (Electronics Entertainment Expo) a while back. He can still skate, bro.

A lot of the kids in the movie had long hair. Their clothes made me crack up. All the girls who followed these guys were sluts. These young teens with their newfound rockstar-like stardom were having parties full of drugs, alcohol, and sluts. These guys were nothing more than young punk gangsters. They lacked any type of sense of responsibility. They love to drive recklessly (there were no seatbelt laws back then, either) and destroy other people's property. They epitomize all the reasons why I hate teenagers so much.

Tony Alva was a big dickhead in this movie. His pompousness made me sick. His sister was huge slut too. In one party they had, Jay Adams, another star skater, came over and had sex with Tony's sister. Apparently, Tony and his sister shared the same bedroom, 'cuz Tony was having sex with another girl while his sister was making out with Jay on a different bed. That's disgusting! A brother is not supposed to allow any of that crap to go on. A brother is supposed to beat the living crap out of any guy who tries to touch his sister. How could they both be making out with their gf and bf in the same room?! Then they hear their dad walking in. Jay jumps out the window and Tony's girl hides in the closet. Tony and his sister pretend they're just sleeping. It's a good thing their dad doesn't make them get up, because they're naked underneath their sheets.

What kind of friend was Jay when he stole Stacy Peralta's gf? Stacy Peralta plays the nice guy in the movie. Well, it's his movie so he could make it anyway he wants to. Stacy just finds a nicer girl and better looking one too. He gets sponsored by G&S Skateboards (Gordon & Smith). Man, believe it or not, Stacy's a guy. He looks like Paris Hilton with his long flowing blonde hair. Yuck.

While Stacy and Tony become big skateboard stars, Jay shuns the commercialization of his sport. He doesn't believe in selling out. He turns from a long blonde white boy into a vato with a shaved head and tatoos on his neck. That's probably due to the influence of his chicana gf.

Another skater, Sid gets brain tumor. It looks like his inner ear equilibrium imbalance turned out to be more serious than anyone thought. They should have been nicer to him instead of pushing him around all the time for laughs.

During the 70's there were severe droughts in L.A. People had to conserve water. They had to drain out their swimming pools. The Z-boys took advantage of this drought by running around people's yards and they started skating in their dried out pools. This is how they first revolutionized skateboarding. Vert ramp skating was born.

The highs: Nice gritty drama showing how modern skateboarding started

The lows: Teenagers

The Verdict: Groovy skateboarding movie.

My rating: B, 82.

Lords of Downtown

I wanted to get a quick adrenaline rush to celebrate the first day of spring. Downtown LA is fun because of some of the nice downhills. Just like the Lords of Dogtown, I like to terrorize the streets.

I want to be a Lord of Ktown, but there aren't any good hills there.

The Grudge: The Professor and Catboy 

The Grudge

I consider myself to be a very scientific and rational person, but I was freaked out after watching this movie. I know it wasn't real, but my mind kept playing tricks on me all night. I kept seeing images of those terrifying faces over and over.

Don't watch this movie right before you go to sleep. It will give you nightmares.

This movie was based on the original Japanese version, Ju-on. The premise is that in Japanese legend, if someone dies in the grip of a powerful rage, a curse is born in the place where that person died. Anyone who goes into that place will be consumed by the curse's fury too.

The movie stars Sarah Michelle Gellar. Buffy must have lost her vampire slaying powers when she moved to Japan, because she was a scaredy-cat the whole time she was there. As for me, if I were paid to go inside a house that's believed to be haunted, I would do it. I would say that there must be a scientific explanation for this. But, if I saw the scary looking faces coming at me, I would run like hell and never go back.

When I saw a scary Korean movie as I kid, I was freaked out by this frightening ghost faced woman. I couldn't walk to the bathroom in the dark, because of the spooks in my mind. I think the scariest looking thing is a scary looking woman. The most terrorizing thing in humans' minds are disfigured human faces. You can create monsters, but if they're not humanized, they won't be that scary.

Buffy is an exchange student who went to Japan because her boyfriend wanted to study Japanese architecture there. When a student nurse didn't report for her job, Buffy is chosen to go to the house to take care of an elderly catatonic lady. She sees a ghost and runs away. She later finds out that a husband killed her wife and son at that house.

There was an American professor that the wife was in love with. The husband reads her diary and drowns her.

The American professor goes to visit the house after reading all the love letters that were sent to him. After visiting the house, he kills himself. He is the first victim of the curse.

Another American family moves into that house because the guy gets a great job there as a CPA. Of course, that family bites the dust.

Buffy's bf thinks that she's in there and goes inside. Buffy finds out he went there to look for her, and she runs inside to save his life. She tries to burn the place, but the spirit won't let her. Finally she drops the lighter into the gasoline. Later, she's at the hospital and we find out that the firefighters prevented the house from burning down. The curse lives on.

There was a bit of Ringu in the movie when they showed the ghost in the videotape walking towards you.

It was too bad they killed off that pretty Japanese girl. Later on, you see she becomes a monster too with her lower jaw missing.

I don't know why that little Japanese boy turned into a catboy.

When Buffy looks through pictures of the professor and his wife, she sees the face of the Japanese woman in the background of all their pictures. Spooky.

The ghost of the woman that drowned kept making burping and gurgling sounds. Those are the same sounds that I make on Sunday mornings when Sarah is forcing me to get out of bed and I can't get up.

This movie had really frightening sounding music. Their picture was shot in a very suspenseful way. As you may know, music really sets the mood of a movie. There was this one video that was spread on the web where some guy remade a trailer of movie called The Shining. He made the trailer seem like the movie was about a family comedy just by changing the music to happy music. That was pretty clever. The music in The Grudge made even the scenes where people slowly walked towards the door extremely suspensful and frightening.

The highs: If you want to be scared, this movie will deliver.

The lows: Horror movie logic.

The Verdict: Don't watch this alone in the dark.

My rating: B, 86.

You can experience first-hand what it's like to visit the house, by clicking on the link.

L.A. Marathon

Los Angeles Marathon 


This Sunday, March 19, 2005, was the L.A. Marathon. When we arrived at church before the 8:00 am service, I saw these Korean grandmas that parked their cars below Olympic. They parked below Olympic at the Hannam Chain supermarket. BSBC is on the north side of Olympic. These Korean (halmunis) grandmas tried to cross Olympic when there was a sea of bicyclists riding through. All these cyclists started making evasive manuevers to avoid them. Some of them fell down. The grandmas made it to the other side safely and none of the cyclists were hurt, thankfully. When I went to tell my wife what happened, I started laughing.

I want to ride my bike at next year's L.A. Marathon. A long time ago, I wanted to run in it, but I'm so out of shape right now. I think I'll bike it next year and try to run it the year after. But, I've been putting it off for so long, it's just going to be harder and harder for me to do it.

Walk the Line 

Walk the Line

This movie is about Johnny Cash's life and his romance with June Carter.

The movie features great acting by Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon.

The movie begins with his life as a little boy listening to the radio. He had a crush on June Carter ever since she was only 10 years old when he heard her songs on the radio. He looked up to his big brother and wondered why he was so good. Unfortunately, his brother died one day accidentally on a circular saw. His father blamed Johnny and said that god took away the wrong son. The movie shows the antagony that goes on between many fathers and sons.

Later on, he gets married to his wife and eventually has three daughters. Before she agreed to marry him, she said that her father told her he had problems. When they showed his face, I thought that he really had mental problems.

When he struggled to make his first record, he and his 2 mechanic buddies were so bad, I thought he really did have mental problems. He sang so slowly with a long deep drawl. But, he eventually became confident and sang a lot better after many tours on stage.

At that time, there were no rock stars. He and his traveling band of performers were the first ones. He traveled with other up and coming stars like Elvis Presley and Jerry Lee Lewis.

He falls into temptation when all these girls throw themselves at him. He succumbs to drugs to help him keep going when he gets tired on the road. Later on, he becomes addicted to amphetamines.

He also falls in love with June Carter. I must say I admire his tenacity. He never gives up when his songs were really slow and bad in the beginning. Then, he asks June Carter to marry him after his divorce with his wife. She says no, but after 40 times, she says yes, because he asks her to marry him on stage in front of everybody. That's too much pressure for a girl to say no to.

One time, at the sundry store, this woman tells June Carter she's a sinner for divorcing and remarrying. Marriage is forever.

Christians were a lot more vocal back then.

Anyway, they eventually get married and stay together until their death in 2003.

The highs: Good acting, good story, good biography of Johnny Cash, impressive singing abilities of Phoenix and Witherspoon.

The lows: Went a little long on; adultery, drug addiction; sinners (but sought redemption in the end).

The verdict: A great movie about Johnny Cash and June Carter.

My rating: A, 91.

Torque: Easy Ridin' Girls on their Crotch Rockets 

Torque

From the makers of 2 Fast 2 Furious, comes Torque: 2 Stupid on 2 Wheels.

If you hated The Fast and The Furious and its sequel, you'll rage with uncontrollable loathing against this film. If you liked the first two movies, then you might be able to tolerate this one, but just barely. As with most action movies, people go to see these types of films strictly for the action. I must admit, the motorcycle chase scenes on the freeways were kinda cool and exciting to watch. But, that's about the only redeeming factor in this boob of a movie.

The movie is about this motorcycle riding outlaw named Ford. He ran off to Thailand for 6 months to hide from the feds because they were accusing him of drug smuggling. He comes back to see his girlfriend, Shane. She also rides bikes. His 2 bike riding buddies also tag along for the fun.

Henry, the boss of the Hell's Angels-type gang, the Hellion, is after Ford. Henry is the one who put vials of crystal methamphetamine inside some motorcycles he wanted Ford to look after. The FBI gets wind of this and try to arrest Ford. Ford then flees the country until things cool down a bit. Before he took off, Ford hid the motorcycles. Now that Henry discovers that Ford's back in town, Henry wants to recover his bikes that are full of drugs.

Ford also gets involved with Trey, played by Ice Cube. It's weird how Ice Cube becomes an Ice Tray in this movie. Oh well. Ice Trey is the leader of the Reapers, an African American sport bike gang. Henry kills Ice Trey's little brother and frames Ford for murder. Ice Trey wants bloody revenge for this despicable deed. I thought Henry did Ice Trey a favor since Trey's little brother was a brat and was getting in all sorts of trouble. But, of course, Ice Trey needs to exact revenge for the murder of his blood.

Do yourself a favor and take long bathroom breaks whenever the action stops and the characters start talking. You'll save yourself a lot of painful moments of groaning.

I can't stand gangsters. Motorcycle gangs like the Hell's Angels hog riders are an anathema to me.

The only good thing about the film is that the motorcycle chase scenes were pretty fast and thrilling. The filmmakers, however, even managed to screw some of the action sequences up when they put too much goofy CGI in the chase scenes though. They looked totally fake, especially the horrendous last chase scene.

The final chase scene takes place in downtown L.A. Oh my gosh was it absurdly fast! It's faster than the superfast car racing videogame, Burnout Revenge. That kind of silliness doesn't belong on the big screen. Instead of using real action, they use CGI. Now, they lost all credibility. It looked like a roadrunner cartoon. Even the music seemed to have been sped up.

Ford gets his dirty little paws and butt on the Ultrafast Y2K jet engine motorcycle. Only 10 have ever been made. Of course, Jay Leno has one of them. Ford uses the Y2K to chase down Henry on his nitro powered supercharged hog cruiser. These 2 clowns fight on their bikes while traveling 200 miles an hour through downtown L.A. Let me tell you this is the most ridiculous sequence that I've seen in an action movie. They go so fast that it looks like they're going through cars. It's not like they've reached light speed yet. Yes, they are going fast, but not fast enough to go through solid two tons of steel.

Another thing that totally makes me laugh is that even when they're going 200 miles an hour or so, they don't get very far distance wise. At that speed, they would have been half way to San Diego. Henry and Ford speed through downtown LA on Grand Avenue. They start from 2nd Street and after passing a thousand buildings, streets, and cars, they end up on Wilshire. It's like watching a cartoon where the characters go real fast and you can see the background pass by really fast. Anyway, Ford flips his bike and lands on top of Henry. Henry dies and Ford wins.

These guys cover less distance going 200 mph than I can on my skateboard. You guys have seen my downhill skateboarding videos. I've gone from 3rd Street to 6th Street on Grand in 40 seconds. These dumbos cover the same amount of ground while going superfast in that long chase sequence. They've been going straight the whole time too.

There were so many things wrong with this movie that I don't know where to begin. In the last chase sequence where Ford lands his bike on top of Henry, they are in front of the Wilshire Grand Hotel. An old bus driver comes skreeching to a halt right over Ford's face. Then, when they do a close-up of the driver, he has become a big fat guy with a long beard and moustache. How the heck did they put in a different extra for that scene?

In one of the freeway chase scenes, the Hummer the FBI drives flips over at 100 mph right on top of a Porsche. But, the Hummer drops straight on top of the Porsche. What happened to the forward horizontal momentum?

The guy in the Porsche 911 Turbo was the same guy that got beat up by Henry on one of his bike trips. How did he get that Porsche so fast and get to L.A. faster than Ford and Henry who have been racing to LA the whole time? What happened to the Porsche guy's chopper? The guy gets rid of his hog, gets inside a Porsche, and gets stuck in LA traffic long before Ford and everyone else who have been cannonballing to get there.

When the Feds open up the 18 wheeler's trailer, the NASCAR race car just jumps out of the trailer. How is it possible that the FBI guy doesn't get run over after opening the door?

How do the bike riders just jump over obstacles without ramps? Ford just happens to jump over fallen trees and stuff.

Another ridiculous mistake in the movie was when Shane and the evil biker bitch fight one on one on top of their bikes. It may be cool to watch, but it's so ridiculous. Other than to show off their acrobatic motorcycle skills, why would they ride their motorcycles straight through the fish market rather than ride away somewhere else? They ride straight through the fish market at about 60 miles an hour. That fish market just might be the longest fish market in the world.

It's just like the last scene in downtown LA. You can see the same Michelin sign in the background over and over again. I've seen it about 8 times in the background. Are there that many Michelin stores there? Just exactly how long is that fish market? They're going fast, but they don't cover much ground. They're going in a straight line, but they pass by the same stuff over and over again.

Ford says he lives his life 1 quarter mile at a time. Even the other characters think that's the stupidest thing they've ever heard.

The Hell's Angels gang is also fighting for 1 Meellion Dollars worth of crystal meth. When he said that, I thought of the evil genius in Austin Powers. Come on! $1 Millino dollars is not much these days, especially when he has to support a gang that big.

I just watched this movie, because I like motorcycles and fast chase scenes. I really want a motorcycle too. As God as my witness, I will get a motorcycle one day if it's the last thing I do.

The Highs: Lots of fast bikes.

The Lows: Too many to list. Bad story, bad acting, too much CGI, too many ridiculous mistakes. Read the review above.

The Verdict: Torque makes The Fast and the Furious look like an Oscar winner in comparison.

My rating: F, 57.

Van Wilder and his dawgs 

National Lampoon's Van Wilder

"Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive." Write that down. If you don't have a pen, then remember it.

So goes one of Van Wilder's sayings that embodies his epicurean philosophy.

Think of this movie as American Pie without the laughs. There were a lot of gross-out, low brow, crass teenage jokes, but it didn't produce the guffaws I was hoping it would. The film is like a guy that doesn't know how to tell a dirty joke. And everyone knows that dirty jokes are the funniest jokes.

Van Wilder looks like a young Will Ferrell. Van Wilder is a 7th year senior at the presitigious Coolidge College. The film was shot at the campus of UCLA though. His wild partying days are numbered, however, when his rich dad/poor father finds out that he still hasn't graduated. His dad says, "Sometimes, in life, you have to recognize a bad investment and then, cut your losses. Write that down."

Now, Wilder has to find a way to pay for his tuition so that he can stay in school. Don't be a fool, stay in school. The more you know, the further you'll go. --A public service announcement. When I was in college, I wanted to stay there as long as possible too. I graduated early though, because I had so many A.P. credits even though I switched majors a lot.

The old spinster of a school administrator takes advantage of Van by unleashing her post-menopausal hormones all over him. He finds out afterwards that he could have simply filed for an extension to pay for tuition without having to compromise his morals and body.

After visiting the local gentleman's club with his posse, he comes up with a creative idea to pay for tuition. He comes up with Topless Tutors-an excellent tutorial service that inspires college dorks to study hard. Once the tutees come up with the right answers to their study questions, they get rewarded by being able to gawk at strippers' mammaries. The fun stops when the strip club owner puts a stop to Van's business.

Meanwhile, Tara Reid, the campus newspaper journalist gets assigned to write about the campus legend, Van Wilder. She dislikes his immaturity at first, but later warms up to him. The nerd fraternity hires Van to throw a rockin' good party and he delivers. Tara writes about the story and the newspaper publishes the front page with the headlines: Van Wilder: Party Liason. Soon, the phones ring off the hook with frats and other clubs asking him to organize parties for them. He comes up with the money to pay for tuition so he gets to stay in school.

Tara's self-obsessed fratboy premed boyfriend gets jealous of her spending too much time with Van and comes up with a way to topple the big man on campus. During one of Van's parties, Tara's bf sneaks in a bunch of elementary school kids in and then the kids get drunk. The little brats start hurling like I did at the office party a couple weeks ago. The cops come and arrest Wilder for serving alcohol to underage kids. When the school finds out, he gets expelled. All the students rally together to protest his expulsion. Wilder goes through an administrative hearing and after a sappy court room scene, he gets to stay. He studies hard for his finals and graduates with a degree in leisure studies.


As I said before, humor is an elusive quality that cannot be attained with mere crass farce. There were several crude gags that did induce some laughs from me, but not as much as the American Pie movies. This movie as a whole just didn't come cohesively together to make a great comedy. This lampoonani is no Animal House.


In the first scene, it looks like an old Asian lady is orally pleasuring Wilder, but really she was just sucking on a lolipop and measuring his inseam for alterations. That is a typical example of the types of jokes that are spread throughout the film. Wilder then takes off his pants and goes to the top of the roof to save the Sherminator, from the American Pie movies, from jumping off and killing himself. For some unknown reason, Wilder doesn't have any underwear on. I guess he likes to go commando.

Then, Wilder interviews people to become his personal assistant. I don't know why he needed one since it looked like he had a sidekick that tagged along everywhere he went anyway. Everyone who goes through the interview is a little whack. Even Erik Estrada, who is constantly looking for jobs after CHiPs, auditions for the job. This film displays poor editing, since it was confusing who Wilder and his sidekick were talking to when the camera kept going back and forth between the interviewees.

The editing really needed a lot of work in this movie. Sometimes, it looks like Wilder is trying to act by making a strange facial expression and the camera just cuts him off.

Wilder finally finds a guy who fits the bill--Kumar from Harold and Kumar Goes to White Castle. Taj Mahal Badalandabad (Kal Penn or Kumar) says he wants to be Van's assistant because he wants Wilder to help him score. Kumar says:

"You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder."

Wilder sets Kumar up with the pulchritudinous Naomi (which is "I moan" backwards). Kumar gets super-excited when he's with her. He puts on massage oils and accidentally slides off her back and falls off the bed. The candles land on him and the massage oils on his back catches on fire. He jumps out the window into the pool. Now, that would make a memorable first time!

After Tara's bf plays a dirty trick on Wilder, he gets revenge by massaging his bulldog's "hot dog" with eclairs. He sends pastries filled with his dog's semen to Tara's frat house Delta Iota Kappa (DIK) and the fratboys gobble it up. That was gross!

Tara also gets back at her bf by putting a ton of Colon Blow powder in his protein shake. He messes up his medical school entrance exams, because he needs to go poo really badly. He starts sweating profusely and just starts filling out the answers randomly. He runs away farting. Before he is able to get to the bathroom, Tara's father introduces him to the Northwestern Med School interviewers. No longer able to hold it in, he finally runs to the trashcan and puts his whole butt in there. He craps and fills up the entire basket.

Other jokes in the movie just weren't funny. A lot of it just bombed like when Wilder organized the nude marathon. There was nothing really to laugh at, except for maybe one really fat and hairy guy.

The highs: 1 or 2 funny gags

The lows: American Pie without the Pie.

The Verdict: This movie's no American Pie. Tastes so bad makes a grown man cry.

My rating: D, 66.

I'm Sick Again

This year, we had a really mild winter in L.A., so I thought I had managed to get through this winter without getting a cold or flu, but, alas, it isn't so. I usually get the cold or flu at least once every year. Well, these past couple of days in March had been really cold so it lowered my immune system. I'm still trying to tough it out at work. That's how I am. I had perfect attendance when I went to school and I want to keep it that way. This cold medicine is putting me to sleep though. I'm going in and out of consciousness. This has been like the third week in a row I haven't been feeling well. A couple of weeks ago, I got alcohol poisoning from drinking too much at the office party. Then, I got food poisoning the following week. Now, I'm just plain sick. Blah!

I've been having weird dreams lately that seem so real to me. In one of my dreams, Sarah and I were at a very large park. There were hundreds of Mexican chicano gangbangers and they wouldn't let us go. I had to fight them all. Somehow, we escaped and went to my old house in La Canada. There were tons of gangsters there too. We went inside our home, and they started breaking the door down. I called 911, but the cops were taking too long to come as usual. I had to fight them again. I was getting tired and somehow, I used my magic powers to blow all of them up. Maybe, I dreamed about that after I saw all these gangster looking guys at the bowling alley this past weekend looking at me in a way I didn't like. Their mean looks pissed me off, and I peeled away from the bowling parking lot and drove home like a maniac. That didn't make Pastor Iris and my wife happy.

I'm taking Prometh for my cold. It causes drowsiness. I went to Starbucks and got some free coffee during their annual coffee break giveaway. I drank 2 large cups of coffee. Now, I'm feeling totally weird. My head feels like it's full of helium. My head feels detached from my head. My hands are shaking a lot. It's pretty weird and interesting.

Sex and Church

These days kids are having way too much sex. Even the church is not immune to the adultery epidemic that is happening in our society today. I remember one time when I was at Young Nak Presbyterian Church (the biggest meat market church in LA) these girls were talking behind me. We were having a joint worship service with the English ministry's young adult, college, and high school department. While I had my eyes closed trying to meditate on god before the worship service began, I overheard the following conversation by a group of some high school looking girls:

"So, did you do him?"

"How was it?"

I thought to myself, "What the hell is going on!?"

Another time, when I was at Oriental Mission Church (OMC), there was this scandal where this guy kept trying to sleep with every girl at church. Two of the girls reported that they had been deflowered by the lascivious Don Juan to the minister. That Casanova Frankenstein got excommunicated from the church.

Another time at church, this guy told one of his buddies, "All I want to do is have sex with girls." So, profound. These guys that go to church on Sundays-late morning or afternoon service are the same ones that go clubbing on girls on Saturday nights.

I suggest that we force these kids to wear a big Scarlett Letter "A" for Adultery around their necks like back in the puritan times. Let them feel the burn of shame as they hang their heads low! Well, knowing kids today, that red letter A might become a fashion trend like hip hop gangstas.

Things have changed a lot since I was in high school. Times have changed a lot. I was really innocent back then. I just stayed home watching tv on Saturday nights and played videogames on my Commodore 64.

Sarah Scores a Strike!

Here's a clip of Sarah scoring a strike and I called it!

For some reason, the videos become really dark when I post them up to a video host server. Oh well.

I have some more bowling clips from that night, but they're all boring clips that came out too dark.

I'm never bowling again. My right wrist was killing me due to my skateboard accident a week ago. Bowling made the pain a lot worse. I'm still hurting as I'm typing this post up. I thought it was a waste when I was throwing all those balls into the gutter. I could have used my left arm, but I would have done a lot worse since I'm not left-handed. I could have used a two-handed throw, but I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of everyone. We should have went ice-skating as originally planned, but a lot of folks flaked out. Tony Koo was really good. Nick had a good spin move. Sarah did much better than me. I made one strike and several gutter balls.