Wednesday, April 05, 2006
The Proctologist
A proctologist walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some asshole's got my pen."
The Mexican
A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey
where the streets are supposed to be paved with gold. But the
husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to
a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a
tree, and begins to pray: Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed
my family..."
Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over the
top of the hill, who is struggling with a broken grocery sack and
loses a wheel of his cheese. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the
large wheel of cheddar cheese from the Black man's grocery bag rolls
down the hill and lands at the Mexican's feet! "Oh, thank you Jesus,
thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon
returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her
to make nachos.
"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and
burritos and other things?" She inquires.
"No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message...As I
ran home, I kept hearing a voice from Him yelling, 'THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!
THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!
where the streets are supposed to be paved with gold. But the
husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to
a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a
tree, and begins to pray: Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed
my family..."
Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over the
top of the hill, who is struggling with a broken grocery sack and
loses a wheel of his cheese. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the
large wheel of cheddar cheese from the Black man's grocery bag rolls
down the hill and lands at the Mexican's feet! "Oh, thank you Jesus,
thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon
returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her
to make nachos.
"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and
burritos and other things?" She inquires.
"No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message...As I
ran home, I kept hearing a voice from Him yelling, 'THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!
THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!
Honk If You Love Jesus
Dear Sarah,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a
"Honk If You Love Jesus"
bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love, Grandma
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a
"Honk If You Love Jesus"
bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love, Grandma
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
The Medallion
Jackie Chan, where have you gone? This is not the real Jackie Chan.
Okay, it's official. Jackie Chan sucks now. He used to be so cool back when he was making Hong Kong movies. Ever since he went Hollywood, his movies have gone downhill. What happened to his great movies like Drunken Master, Operation Condor, and Who Am I? Those were fun to watch. Now, he's over-the-hill and lame. His fighting style and humor have been watered down a lot. Now, with The Medallion and The Tuxedo, he has done the unthinkable. He has given in to the use of CGI and stuntment. The great thing about Jackie Chan was that he did all those incredible stunts all by himself. If he's too old to do them now, then he should just quit churning out these god awful movies.
In the Medallion, Jackie has to save a young buddhist boy from a sinister white guy that goes by the name of Snakehead. Snakey seems to want that boy for some reason. Jackie tries to find out why. He's hoping to god that Snakehead is not a catholic priest who wants to go "Michael Jackson" on that little boy.
Jackie plays a Hong Kong supercop like in Police Story. Along the way he teams up with an Irish Interpol agent named Watson. Watson is the biggest goofy dork since Pee Wee Herman and Mr. Bean. He has big dumbo ears and thinks he's the baddest secret agent since Bond. Watson keeps telling Jackie that he's the leader, but he's nothing but a slapstick sidekick that produces a lot of groans from the audience.
Why does Watson even have to pretend he's a librarian to his family instead of an interpol agent? This movie doesn't make any sense at all. Apparently Jackie gets Jungle Fever once again in this movie as he teams up with actress Claire Forlani, who plays his ex-lover that he reunites with in Ireland. Unbelievably, Watson also has Jungle Fever and has a Chinese Irish wife. Later on, when the attackers invade their home, his wife starts kicking ass and starts kicking the bad guys' faces. Why is a housewife such a good fighter? Is it because she's Asian, and all Asians know Kung Fu?
This movie might be a good flick for kids 12 and under. This movie is a groaner for anyone who's old enough to produce kids.
Jackie and CGI is just not a good combination. Jackie's entire appeal was his unique and highly entertaining fighting style. Jackie had enough energy to produce incredibly choreographed fight scenes with a comedic style. He apparently lost most of this now that he's older. His natural talents really shined in his movies when he was younger. Now his movies suck hard.
There's one chase scene where Jackie chases a black pimp down the streets of downtown Dublin. The black pimp can run and hurdle over tables and fences. Jackie uses CGI to chase after him. He jumps on top of parked bikes as if he's running on top of giant toppling dominoes. Why would bikes make ringing bikebell sounds when he jumps on bike seats? That's so lame! They use cartoony sound effects. And why didn't Jackie have an Interpol agent arrest the pimp and interrogate him instead of simply leaving him in the trash can?
Watson his goofball sidekick with the inferiority/superiority complex keeps bossing Jackie around telling him that he's the head librarian.
Jackie's Irish lover, Claire, also happens to kick butt too. All the women in his movies kick ass when they fight.
Jackie dies when he and the buddhist boy goes inside the shipping container and the container gets knocked into the harbor. What are the chances of them having an inflatable raft and glow sticks inside the container though? Jackie drowns to death, but after the buddhist boy touches corpse Jackie with the Medallion, resurrected Jackie #2 appears naked. Jackie #2 asks Watson "What's wrong?" while Watson is looking at Jackie's dead body at the morgue. Watson freaks out and shows dead Jackie #1 to him. Jackie #2 says that Jackie #1 must be a fake.
Jackie #2 says, "My nose isn't that big."
Then, Jackie #2 looks at his naked exposed dick and says, "That must be me."
Watson responds, "How do you know?"
Jackie #2: "Don't you think I can recognize my own thing?"
Jackie #2 looks at the Medallion, and the snake and fish carvings start moving. Then, dead Jackie #1's dead body turns into dust, blows away, and completely disappears.
Jackie looks at the nurse who is trying to feed the buddhist boy with poisoned pudding.
Resurrected Jackie: That nurse. Her boots.
Watson lustily: "Yeah"
He cups his 2 hands in front of his chest and smiles, thinking Jackie was talking about her luscious boobs.
Jackie shaking his head: No! Her boots! Nurses don't wear boots.
They start chasing after her. The nurse can also kick ass and runs away. During the fight with some other bad guys, Jackie realizes that the Medallion also gave him super powers. The buddhist boy is the chosen one. Buddhist boy has resurrected Jackie with the Medallion and now he is Super Jackie. He's invincible to even bullets, although he feels all the pain, but is quickly healed afterward.
Jackie tries to explain his new found powers to Watson. But why does Jackie ask Watson to hit him on the head with a bed pan full of urine? Couldn't he have shown his super powers to him another way? Jeez.
Then, Jackie gives Watson a knife to stab him with. Watson keeps stabbing Jackie. Jackie can feel the pain, but there is no damage to him. Watson then proceeds to stab him in the butt.
The Medallion is the holy grail of eastern mythology. One needs both halves of the Medallion for immortality and invincibility. The Medallion can give life and also has the power to take it away.
One half of the Medallion gives resurrection and super powers. But two halves of the Medallion give the bearer both invincibility and immortality. The buddhist boy is the chosen one who can grant this power. Evil Snakehead wants it so that he can rule the world forever with his own selfish plans.
Snakehead gets the other half of the Medallion from the buddhist boy and also gets super powers. If he gets both halves, then he'll be unstoppable.
The buddhist boy tells Jackie to throw the Medallion at Snakehead, because the Medallion can also end the life that it gave. The Medallion goes through Snakehead and the snake and fish demons take him to hell or wherever he's destined to go to. This doesn't make a lick of sense, because you can touch the Medallion and be okay. But, don't get hit by the Medallion or else! Totally ridiculous!
I hated the CGI fighting too. This made the movie dumb and Ludicris.
Why don't they use the Medallion to make a race of superhumans? Would that be abusing its power? Watson begs the boy to grant him the powers. He says he's very sick and starts coughing and choking, but the boy just smiles and wouldn't help the dork. The boy is wise. What a tragedy it would be for the world to allow that clumsy dunce to have super powers.
The buddhist boy then walks into an invisible vortex into the next universe. Jackie and Claire run at supersonic speeds together and fly away. Please don't make a sequel. And, Jackie, please retire.
The second half of the movie is better than the first half. Sometimes, it's funny in a lame ass way. Some of the fighting and CGI is fun to watch, but it's mostly stupid and totally absurd. This movie is filled with moronic immature potty comedy and retarded one-liners.
The movie is supposed to be inspired from the legend of Highbinders-powerful knights or warriors. Some legends are just meant to die.
The highs: A nice fighting sequence here and there. A laugh or two once in awhile.
The lows: Really inane immature humor. Unconvincing CGI fighting scenes. Jackie is just going downhill. Watson is a lame ass sidekick that needs to get kicked in the nuts.
The Verdict: Jackie Chan is no more. This is a fake CGI Jackie and his humor is getting more childish.
My rating: 60, D-.
Okay, it's official. Jackie Chan sucks now. He used to be so cool back when he was making Hong Kong movies. Ever since he went Hollywood, his movies have gone downhill. What happened to his great movies like Drunken Master, Operation Condor, and Who Am I? Those were fun to watch. Now, he's over-the-hill and lame. His fighting style and humor have been watered down a lot. Now, with The Medallion and The Tuxedo, he has done the unthinkable. He has given in to the use of CGI and stuntment. The great thing about Jackie Chan was that he did all those incredible stunts all by himself. If he's too old to do them now, then he should just quit churning out these god awful movies.
In the Medallion, Jackie has to save a young buddhist boy from a sinister white guy that goes by the name of Snakehead. Snakey seems to want that boy for some reason. Jackie tries to find out why. He's hoping to god that Snakehead is not a catholic priest who wants to go "Michael Jackson" on that little boy.
Jackie plays a Hong Kong supercop like in Police Story. Along the way he teams up with an Irish Interpol agent named Watson. Watson is the biggest goofy dork since Pee Wee Herman and Mr. Bean. He has big dumbo ears and thinks he's the baddest secret agent since Bond. Watson keeps telling Jackie that he's the leader, but he's nothing but a slapstick sidekick that produces a lot of groans from the audience.
Why does Watson even have to pretend he's a librarian to his family instead of an interpol agent? This movie doesn't make any sense at all. Apparently Jackie gets Jungle Fever once again in this movie as he teams up with actress Claire Forlani, who plays his ex-lover that he reunites with in Ireland. Unbelievably, Watson also has Jungle Fever and has a Chinese Irish wife. Later on, when the attackers invade their home, his wife starts kicking ass and starts kicking the bad guys' faces. Why is a housewife such a good fighter? Is it because she's Asian, and all Asians know Kung Fu?
This movie might be a good flick for kids 12 and under. This movie is a groaner for anyone who's old enough to produce kids.
Jackie and CGI is just not a good combination. Jackie's entire appeal was his unique and highly entertaining fighting style. Jackie had enough energy to produce incredibly choreographed fight scenes with a comedic style. He apparently lost most of this now that he's older. His natural talents really shined in his movies when he was younger. Now his movies suck hard.
There's one chase scene where Jackie chases a black pimp down the streets of downtown Dublin. The black pimp can run and hurdle over tables and fences. Jackie uses CGI to chase after him. He jumps on top of parked bikes as if he's running on top of giant toppling dominoes. Why would bikes make ringing bikebell sounds when he jumps on bike seats? That's so lame! They use cartoony sound effects. And why didn't Jackie have an Interpol agent arrest the pimp and interrogate him instead of simply leaving him in the trash can?
Watson his goofball sidekick with the inferiority/superiority complex keeps bossing Jackie around telling him that he's the head librarian.
Jackie's Irish lover, Claire, also happens to kick butt too. All the women in his movies kick ass when they fight.
Jackie dies when he and the buddhist boy goes inside the shipping container and the container gets knocked into the harbor. What are the chances of them having an inflatable raft and glow sticks inside the container though? Jackie drowns to death, but after the buddhist boy touches corpse Jackie with the Medallion, resurrected Jackie #2 appears naked. Jackie #2 asks Watson "What's wrong?" while Watson is looking at Jackie's dead body at the morgue. Watson freaks out and shows dead Jackie #1 to him. Jackie #2 says that Jackie #1 must be a fake.
Jackie #2 says, "My nose isn't that big."
Then, Jackie #2 looks at his naked exposed dick and says, "That must be me."
Watson responds, "How do you know?"
Jackie #2: "Don't you think I can recognize my own thing?"
Jackie #2 looks at the Medallion, and the snake and fish carvings start moving. Then, dead Jackie #1's dead body turns into dust, blows away, and completely disappears.
Jackie looks at the nurse who is trying to feed the buddhist boy with poisoned pudding.
Resurrected Jackie: That nurse. Her boots.
Watson lustily: "Yeah"
He cups his 2 hands in front of his chest and smiles, thinking Jackie was talking about her luscious boobs.
Jackie shaking his head: No! Her boots! Nurses don't wear boots.
They start chasing after her. The nurse can also kick ass and runs away. During the fight with some other bad guys, Jackie realizes that the Medallion also gave him super powers. The buddhist boy is the chosen one. Buddhist boy has resurrected Jackie with the Medallion and now he is Super Jackie. He's invincible to even bullets, although he feels all the pain, but is quickly healed afterward.
Jackie tries to explain his new found powers to Watson. But why does Jackie ask Watson to hit him on the head with a bed pan full of urine? Couldn't he have shown his super powers to him another way? Jeez.
Then, Jackie gives Watson a knife to stab him with. Watson keeps stabbing Jackie. Jackie can feel the pain, but there is no damage to him. Watson then proceeds to stab him in the butt.
The Medallion is the holy grail of eastern mythology. One needs both halves of the Medallion for immortality and invincibility. The Medallion can give life and also has the power to take it away.
One half of the Medallion gives resurrection and super powers. But two halves of the Medallion give the bearer both invincibility and immortality. The buddhist boy is the chosen one who can grant this power. Evil Snakehead wants it so that he can rule the world forever with his own selfish plans.
Snakehead gets the other half of the Medallion from the buddhist boy and also gets super powers. If he gets both halves, then he'll be unstoppable.
The buddhist boy tells Jackie to throw the Medallion at Snakehead, because the Medallion can also end the life that it gave. The Medallion goes through Snakehead and the snake and fish demons take him to hell or wherever he's destined to go to. This doesn't make a lick of sense, because you can touch the Medallion and be okay. But, don't get hit by the Medallion or else! Totally ridiculous!
I hated the CGI fighting too. This made the movie dumb and Ludicris.
Why don't they use the Medallion to make a race of superhumans? Would that be abusing its power? Watson begs the boy to grant him the powers. He says he's very sick and starts coughing and choking, but the boy just smiles and wouldn't help the dork. The boy is wise. What a tragedy it would be for the world to allow that clumsy dunce to have super powers.
The buddhist boy then walks into an invisible vortex into the next universe. Jackie and Claire run at supersonic speeds together and fly away. Please don't make a sequel. And, Jackie, please retire.
The second half of the movie is better than the first half. Sometimes, it's funny in a lame ass way. Some of the fighting and CGI is fun to watch, but it's mostly stupid and totally absurd. This movie is filled with moronic immature potty comedy and retarded one-liners.
The movie is supposed to be inspired from the legend of Highbinders-powerful knights or warriors. Some legends are just meant to die.
The highs: A nice fighting sequence here and there. A laugh or two once in awhile.
The lows: Really inane immature humor. Unconvincing CGI fighting scenes. Jackie is just going downhill. Watson is a lame ass sidekick that needs to get kicked in the nuts.
The Verdict: Jackie Chan is no more. This is a fake CGI Jackie and his humor is getting more childish.
My rating: 60, D-.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Rent
We're not going to pay rent!
I don't know why these guys weren't evicted years ago for not paying the rent, but I loved the theatrical musical. I heard a lot of people didn't like this movie version, but I liked the movie as well.
My sister got me into musicals. I first started singing songs from Les Miserables when I listened to her CD's. I love Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals. Then, I got into Rent. I saw the musical with my sister several years ago and I loved it.
The singing in this movie is awesome. The background material is not going to be appealing to some people though.
This is not like any other type of movie. It's a musical movie. 99% of it is in song. I can understand why many people didn't think that this musical translated well into a movie.
The movie, however, does a fantastic job of filling in the gaps of the musical. Sometimes, in the theatrical musical of RENT, there's some difficulty following what's going on since they're just acting it out on stage. In the movie version, it's much easier to understand what's going on, because you can clearly see what they're doing. The movie has the advantage of being able to set the scene in many different environments, while on stage, there's just one backdrop.
This movie is strictly for people who like musicals or for RENT fans only. Everyone else will be scratching their heads wondering what the hell this movie's about.
The movie's about bohemian artistic types that shun conventional manners and social mores approved of by the majority of society. It's filled with people who have AIDS, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transvestites, drug addicts, and strippers. I normally would not watch this type of stuff nor would I approve of anything they do, but the heart of the movie is about love and friendship.
The story is not just about people with AIDS, but the message of the movie is accepting people for who they are. It makes you think twice before judging other people by their lifestyles or outer appearances. What's most important is what's inside a person that counts. The story and the songs are very touching.
I love singing along with the songs, but I'm not gay nor do I have AIDS. I just like musicals in general. And RENT, is one of my favorites.
I used to sing along to the CD's all the time. The singing takes some getting used to when you hear different people singing the songs you've heard a hundred times on the CD, but you get used to it very quickly, because everyone in the movie sings fabulously. After all, most of them were in the original Broadway musical of RENT.
I can't imagine any straight guys wanting to see this if they haven't seen the musical before. For the unitiated, this might be too freaky for them. You see two gays french kissing.
You learn acceptance and compassion for all people through this film.
525,600 minutes in one year. How do you measure a year in the life of a woman or a man (or a transvestite)? Life is short. (--Especially for people who have AIDS.) How are you going to live your life? Measure your life in love.
Even though I'm not gay, I like gays in general. They're one of the nicest guys I know.
The story mainly focuses on 8 friends during the course of one year. It takes place in NYC Alphabet City, a bohemian slum. Mark is a film maker who hates pretension and chooses to live in bohemia. Roger is a song writer who used to be a rock star. His gf, April, died from AIDS. Roger has AIDS too. Mimi is a stripper who strips to feed her heroin habit. She got AIDS from an infected needle. She falls in love with Roger. Benny is a guy who married a rich girl, moved away from the neighborhood, and wants to build a state of the art studio where the tent city currently stands. Maureen is a bisexual slut who is a performance artist that flirts with anything that breathes. Joanne is her lesbian lover who happens to be a lawyer. Tom Collins is a NYU professor who got expelled for his theory of actual reality. Collins later falls in love with Angel when he/she nurses him back to health after he gets his ass kicked by some street thugs in the alley. Now, Angel is a drag queen with a heart of an angel that likes to play drums on his/her upside down bucket.
The Highs: Awesome singing. The movie's more complete and easier to follow than the original musical. Songs are emotionally touching.
The Lows: The theatrical musical's style may not translate well onto film. Too queer for the straight guy.
The Verdict: For RENT fans only.
My rating: A, 91.
I don't know why these guys weren't evicted years ago for not paying the rent, but I loved the theatrical musical. I heard a lot of people didn't like this movie version, but I liked the movie as well.
My sister got me into musicals. I first started singing songs from Les Miserables when I listened to her CD's. I love Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals. Then, I got into Rent. I saw the musical with my sister several years ago and I loved it.
The singing in this movie is awesome. The background material is not going to be appealing to some people though.
This is not like any other type of movie. It's a musical movie. 99% of it is in song. I can understand why many people didn't think that this musical translated well into a movie.
The movie, however, does a fantastic job of filling in the gaps of the musical. Sometimes, in the theatrical musical of RENT, there's some difficulty following what's going on since they're just acting it out on stage. In the movie version, it's much easier to understand what's going on, because you can clearly see what they're doing. The movie has the advantage of being able to set the scene in many different environments, while on stage, there's just one backdrop.
This movie is strictly for people who like musicals or for RENT fans only. Everyone else will be scratching their heads wondering what the hell this movie's about.
The movie's about bohemian artistic types that shun conventional manners and social mores approved of by the majority of society. It's filled with people who have AIDS, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transvestites, drug addicts, and strippers. I normally would not watch this type of stuff nor would I approve of anything they do, but the heart of the movie is about love and friendship.
The story is not just about people with AIDS, but the message of the movie is accepting people for who they are. It makes you think twice before judging other people by their lifestyles or outer appearances. What's most important is what's inside a person that counts. The story and the songs are very touching.
I love singing along with the songs, but I'm not gay nor do I have AIDS. I just like musicals in general. And RENT, is one of my favorites.
I used to sing along to the CD's all the time. The singing takes some getting used to when you hear different people singing the songs you've heard a hundred times on the CD, but you get used to it very quickly, because everyone in the movie sings fabulously. After all, most of them were in the original Broadway musical of RENT.
I can't imagine any straight guys wanting to see this if they haven't seen the musical before. For the unitiated, this might be too freaky for them. You see two gays french kissing.
You learn acceptance and compassion for all people through this film.
525,600 minutes in one year. How do you measure a year in the life of a woman or a man (or a transvestite)? Life is short. (--Especially for people who have AIDS.) How are you going to live your life? Measure your life in love.
Even though I'm not gay, I like gays in general. They're one of the nicest guys I know.
The story mainly focuses on 8 friends during the course of one year. It takes place in NYC Alphabet City, a bohemian slum. Mark is a film maker who hates pretension and chooses to live in bohemia. Roger is a song writer who used to be a rock star. His gf, April, died from AIDS. Roger has AIDS too. Mimi is a stripper who strips to feed her heroin habit. She got AIDS from an infected needle. She falls in love with Roger. Benny is a guy who married a rich girl, moved away from the neighborhood, and wants to build a state of the art studio where the tent city currently stands. Maureen is a bisexual slut who is a performance artist that flirts with anything that breathes. Joanne is her lesbian lover who happens to be a lawyer. Tom Collins is a NYU professor who got expelled for his theory of actual reality. Collins later falls in love with Angel when he/she nurses him back to health after he gets his ass kicked by some street thugs in the alley. Now, Angel is a drag queen with a heart of an angel that likes to play drums on his/her upside down bucket.
The Highs: Awesome singing. The movie's more complete and easier to follow than the original musical. Songs are emotionally touching.
The Lows: The theatrical musical's style may not translate well onto film. Too queer for the straight guy.
The Verdict: For RENT fans only.
My rating: A, 91.
Azumi
Azumi is a pretty Japanese girl that can kill 200 hundred soldiers. Who doesn't want to watch that?
This movie is based on a Japanese manga of the same name by Yu Koyama. Ryuhei Kitamura, who also made Versus, is the producer. Aya Ueto stars as Azumi.
Azumi is one of 10 teenagers who have been taken in by a martial arts expert and war veteran. When she was a small girl, Azumi was found crying next to her dead mother's body after the war. She joins the old martial arts expert and is trained to become an assassin.
One day, the martial arts expert tells the 10 teens to pair up with their best friend. Then, he tells them to kill each other. Azumi kills her childhood friend with her sword. Then, there's only five of them left. Apparently, they have to do this for graduation. That's a school I wouldn't want to go to. Only half of them graduate. They have to prepare themselves to become coldhearted assassins in order to complete the difficult mission they have ahead of them.
The old master tells them that they need to kill 3 Samurai warlords from gaining control of Japan. On their journey to assassinating them, the five young killers encounter a lot of weirdos and the group starts getting killed off.
There's a lot of swordfighting, but it was thoroughly unconvincing. You can tell that the fighters were just acting. The swordfighting choreography was bad. They just spun around pretending that they got slashed by a sword, but you couldn't see any impact. You don't really see any sword contact on people's bodies, and when you do, you can tell that it was really light.
There's this psychopath that reminded me a little of Sephiroth from Final Fantasy 7. He looked very feminine wearing white robes. He had blush on and carried a red rose all the time. He's a master swordfighter, despite his appearance. Even when he kills tons of people with his sword, he gets no blood on his white robe. He must have really good stain resistant fabric on.
There was some Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon action in the movie, when some of the characters jumped really high up and down cliffs and buildings.
There was some stupid wacky sound effects sometimes.
The 10 assassins just looked like a bunch of goofballs. They didn't really look like good swordsmen. The battles just looked like kids pretending to have swordfights. The fighting and killing just didn't look real. The movie was a big dissappointment.
The only good scene was the last battle, where Azumi battles 200 guys. It made Kill Bill look pale in comparison.
The movie was artistically made. But, there were some parts that were just silly and goofy.
They also used never before seen camera angles. They used a technique to spin the camera 360 degrees from top to bottom. That was cool to watch.
In the end, Azumi chops off the guy in white's head off. She does it so quickly that the guy doesn't even know she sliced through his head until it falls off.
Azumi kills off the last samurai warlord by flying into the boat and slashing him. She then jumps into the water and swims away. She goes to make the sequel, Azumi 2, and a Playstation 2 videogame.
The Highs: Azumi is a very pretty delicate flower that is also lethal with her killing powers. Artistically made. Decent battle with 200 soldiers.
The Lows: Swordfighting didn't look real, and that was the main part of the movie.
The Verdict: A Japanese B movie Kill Bill.
My rating: D, 67.
This movie is based on a Japanese manga of the same name by Yu Koyama. Ryuhei Kitamura, who also made Versus, is the producer. Aya Ueto stars as Azumi.
Azumi is one of 10 teenagers who have been taken in by a martial arts expert and war veteran. When she was a small girl, Azumi was found crying next to her dead mother's body after the war. She joins the old martial arts expert and is trained to become an assassin.
One day, the martial arts expert tells the 10 teens to pair up with their best friend. Then, he tells them to kill each other. Azumi kills her childhood friend with her sword. Then, there's only five of them left. Apparently, they have to do this for graduation. That's a school I wouldn't want to go to. Only half of them graduate. They have to prepare themselves to become coldhearted assassins in order to complete the difficult mission they have ahead of them.
The old master tells them that they need to kill 3 Samurai warlords from gaining control of Japan. On their journey to assassinating them, the five young killers encounter a lot of weirdos and the group starts getting killed off.
There's a lot of swordfighting, but it was thoroughly unconvincing. You can tell that the fighters were just acting. The swordfighting choreography was bad. They just spun around pretending that they got slashed by a sword, but you couldn't see any impact. You don't really see any sword contact on people's bodies, and when you do, you can tell that it was really light.
There's this psychopath that reminded me a little of Sephiroth from Final Fantasy 7. He looked very feminine wearing white robes. He had blush on and carried a red rose all the time. He's a master swordfighter, despite his appearance. Even when he kills tons of people with his sword, he gets no blood on his white robe. He must have really good stain resistant fabric on.
There was some Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon action in the movie, when some of the characters jumped really high up and down cliffs and buildings.
There was some stupid wacky sound effects sometimes.
The 10 assassins just looked like a bunch of goofballs. They didn't really look like good swordsmen. The battles just looked like kids pretending to have swordfights. The fighting and killing just didn't look real. The movie was a big dissappointment.
The only good scene was the last battle, where Azumi battles 200 guys. It made Kill Bill look pale in comparison.
The movie was artistically made. But, there were some parts that were just silly and goofy.
They also used never before seen camera angles. They used a technique to spin the camera 360 degrees from top to bottom. That was cool to watch.
In the end, Azumi chops off the guy in white's head off. She does it so quickly that the guy doesn't even know she sliced through his head until it falls off.
Azumi kills off the last samurai warlord by flying into the boat and slashing him. She then jumps into the water and swims away. She goes to make the sequel, Azumi 2, and a Playstation 2 videogame.
The Highs: Azumi is a very pretty delicate flower that is also lethal with her killing powers. Artistically made. Decent battle with 200 soldiers.
The Lows: Swordfighting didn't look real, and that was the main part of the movie.
The Verdict: A Japanese B movie Kill Bill.
My rating: D, 67.
Friday, March 31, 2006
I'm Too Smart For the First Grade
First-grade teacher, Ms. Choi, was having some trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Brian, what's your problem?"
Brian answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade, and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Choi had had enough. She took Brian to the principal's office.
While Brian waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Choi he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Brian was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Brian: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Brian: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Choi and tells her, "I think Brian can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Choi says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Brian both agreed.
Ms. Choi asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Brian, after a brief moment says: "Legs."
Ms. Choi: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Brian replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Choi: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Brian: "Pants."
Ms. Choi: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Brian: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Choi: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Brian replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Choi: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Brian: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Choi: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that signifies there's a lot of heat and excitement?"
Brian: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Brian in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
Brian answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade, and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Choi had had enough. She took Brian to the principal's office.
While Brian waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Choi he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Brian was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Brian: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Brian: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Choi and tells her, "I think Brian can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Choi says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Brian both agreed.
Ms. Choi asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Brian, after a brief moment says: "Legs."
Ms. Choi: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Brian replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Choi: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Brian: "Pants."
Ms. Choi: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Brian: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Choi: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Brian replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Choi: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Brian: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Choi: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that signifies there's a lot of heat and excitement?"
Brian: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Brian in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
Star Wars: Dark Lord: The Rise of Darth Vader
This is a must read for any Darth Vader fan. As the title indicates, it's about Darth Vader's rise to power.
The setting takes place a few years after Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. The galaxy is in chaos after the end of the Clone Wars. The Jedi Order has been destroyed. Lord Vader has become Emperor Palpatine's right hand man. His task is to destroy the few Jedi that have escaped "Order 66" (the order by Palpatine to the clone troopers to destroy all Jedi).
The story also focuses on two new jedi, Jedi Master Roan Shryne and Padawan Olee Starstone. Shryne is kinda like a Jedi Outcast who finds redemption in the Force during his confrontation with Vader. Shryne is pretty good as he gets a few hits in during his lightsaber duel with Vader. Vader gets pissed off because Shryne hits his cyborg electrical circuits. Vader channels the Dark Side and starts pummeling Shryne with all sorts of heavy stuff. It's like the scene on the Death Star with Luke in Empire Strikes back. But, it's ten times worse. Shryne is hit left and right mercilessly by wood, steel, and rocks. Ouch!
Before Vader can order "69" on the female Jedi Olee Starstone, she is rescued and gets the heck outta there.
In the book, we see that Anakin/Vader is struggling with his past. He hates Sidious for not keeping his promise to save his wife, Padme. At the same time, he needs Sidious to learn more about the Dark Side to feed his unquenchable thirst for power. He blames the Jedi for ruining everything with their blind thinking.
We see that he's having difficulties with his new armour, his bionic appendages, and mask. He says, "I can't see anything out of this stupid mask and it's dang hard to breathe in this thing." He also complains, "Those damn medical droids made me from inferior parts!" As the story progresses, he starts gaining more and more power through the Dark Side though. He goes on to become the ultimate badass.
The ARC (Aggressive ReConnaisance Team) also make an appearance in this book. These guys are like the elite Navy Seals of the storm troopers. They have their own videogame called Star Wars Republic Commando.
In the Epilogue, Obi Wan is drinking himself silly in a cantina in Tatooine. He learns that Darth Vader is still alive. Vader has turned Chewbacca's home planet, Kashyyk into a barbeque. Obi Wan dedicates his life to protecting and watching over Anakin's kid, Luke Skywalker, from Vader.
This was a great Star Wars book. I love Darth Vader. Long live Lord Vader! If you don't bow down to him, he'll choke you with his mind, you piece of bantha fodder!
The setting takes place a few years after Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. The galaxy is in chaos after the end of the Clone Wars. The Jedi Order has been destroyed. Lord Vader has become Emperor Palpatine's right hand man. His task is to destroy the few Jedi that have escaped "Order 66" (the order by Palpatine to the clone troopers to destroy all Jedi).
The story also focuses on two new jedi, Jedi Master Roan Shryne and Padawan Olee Starstone. Shryne is kinda like a Jedi Outcast who finds redemption in the Force during his confrontation with Vader. Shryne is pretty good as he gets a few hits in during his lightsaber duel with Vader. Vader gets pissed off because Shryne hits his cyborg electrical circuits. Vader channels the Dark Side and starts pummeling Shryne with all sorts of heavy stuff. It's like the scene on the Death Star with Luke in Empire Strikes back. But, it's ten times worse. Shryne is hit left and right mercilessly by wood, steel, and rocks. Ouch!
Before Vader can order "69" on the female Jedi Olee Starstone, she is rescued and gets the heck outta there.
In the book, we see that Anakin/Vader is struggling with his past. He hates Sidious for not keeping his promise to save his wife, Padme. At the same time, he needs Sidious to learn more about the Dark Side to feed his unquenchable thirst for power. He blames the Jedi for ruining everything with their blind thinking.
We see that he's having difficulties with his new armour, his bionic appendages, and mask. He says, "I can't see anything out of this stupid mask and it's dang hard to breathe in this thing." He also complains, "Those damn medical droids made me from inferior parts!" As the story progresses, he starts gaining more and more power through the Dark Side though. He goes on to become the ultimate badass.
The ARC (Aggressive ReConnaisance Team) also make an appearance in this book. These guys are like the elite Navy Seals of the storm troopers. They have their own videogame called Star Wars Republic Commando.
In the Epilogue, Obi Wan is drinking himself silly in a cantina in Tatooine. He learns that Darth Vader is still alive. Vader has turned Chewbacca's home planet, Kashyyk into a barbeque. Obi Wan dedicates his life to protecting and watching over Anakin's kid, Luke Skywalker, from Vader.
This was a great Star Wars book. I love Darth Vader. Long live Lord Vader! If you don't bow down to him, he'll choke you with his mind, you piece of bantha fodder!
I love Chili
A young cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Montana moseys on in to the Gaylord Hotel Cafe in Pocahontasville. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
The Engineer
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God phones Satan and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gone down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. Where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God phones Satan and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gone down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. Where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
All That Suffering For Nothing
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned
to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws
of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,
pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the
first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error
would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from these
copies for centuries, but you do make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down the stairs into the dark caves underneath
the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a
locked vault that has not been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and the old abbot does not return. The young
monk becomes worried and goes downstairs to look for him.
He finds him banging his head against the wall. His forehead
is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk rushes to his side, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word is celebrate!"
to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws
of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,
pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the
first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error
would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from these
copies for centuries, but you do make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down the stairs into the dark caves underneath
the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a
locked vault that has not been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and the old abbot does not return. The young
monk becomes worried and goes downstairs to look for him.
He finds him banging his head against the wall. His forehead
is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk rushes to his side, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word is celebrate!"
Rage Against the Librarian
I love the library, but you have to make sure that the books you return have been scanned in. I checked out some Car and Driver magazines a few weeks ago, and I got a notice saying that one of the magazines I checked out was still due.
As you know, I always return everything right away. I'm pretty anal. I always show up early to work, to meetings, and to see friends. I pay my bills the same day I get them in the mail. When I return library books, I return them way in advance of the due date.
Now, they have the audacity to say that I never turned in the magazine! If I didn't get that notice, I might have accured late charges for decades just like that one guy who had $10,000 in library late charges for a book he checked out 40 years ago as a kid.
Now, I have to pay for their mistake. That's totally unfair.
I always hand my library books to the librarian, because of my experiences in the past. Several times over my lifetime, the library has said that they didn't get my books when I turned them in.
Never turn in your books at the Return Box. There's a good chance that it won't be scanned in and you'll be the one to pay for it.
Now, I have to ask the librarian for a printout of the books I return to make absolutely certain that I returned them.
This goes for other places like Blockbuster's Video too. Those guys don't know what they're doing nor do they care.
As you know, I always return everything right away. I'm pretty anal. I always show up early to work, to meetings, and to see friends. I pay my bills the same day I get them in the mail. When I return library books, I return them way in advance of the due date.
Now, they have the audacity to say that I never turned in the magazine! If I didn't get that notice, I might have accured late charges for decades just like that one guy who had $10,000 in library late charges for a book he checked out 40 years ago as a kid.
Now, I have to pay for their mistake. That's totally unfair.
I always hand my library books to the librarian, because of my experiences in the past. Several times over my lifetime, the library has said that they didn't get my books when I turned them in.
Never turn in your books at the Return Box. There's a good chance that it won't be scanned in and you'll be the one to pay for it.
Now, I have to ask the librarian for a printout of the books I return to make absolutely certain that I returned them.
This goes for other places like Blockbuster's Video too. Those guys don't know what they're doing nor do they care.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
TIE-Tanic
Watch this hilarious clip of Star Wars vs. Titanic. It's cheesey, but you know I'm a sucker for anything Star Wars.
Darth Vader gets jealous of the success of Titanic and wants to prevent it from surpassing the Star Wars franchise. Tie Fighters are sent out to blast the Titanic to pieces. I loved how the Ewoks die in the sinking ship. The part where the Tie Fighters blow off the head of one of the ship's crew members is pretty funny too.
It's pretty clever. How'd they make those special effects?
I'm a Star Wars fan for life.
You've seen it first here, folks. I scour the entire internet to bring you the best of the web. This way, you won't have to risk getting viruses and stuff when surfing the web. Leave it to me to find the good stuff to show you.
The David Kim Show is 100% virus free. I'll never sell out and put ads all over my site either. You can also send me anything funny or interesting if you come across anything.
Darth Vader gets jealous of the success of Titanic and wants to prevent it from surpassing the Star Wars franchise. Tie Fighters are sent out to blast the Titanic to pieces. I loved how the Ewoks die in the sinking ship. The part where the Tie Fighters blow off the head of one of the ship's crew members is pretty funny too.
It's pretty clever. How'd they make those special effects?
I'm a Star Wars fan for life.
You've seen it first here, folks. I scour the entire internet to bring you the best of the web. This way, you won't have to risk getting viruses and stuff when surfing the web. Leave it to me to find the good stuff to show you.
The David Kim Show is 100% virus free. I'll never sell out and put ads all over my site either. You can also send me anything funny or interesting if you come across anything.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Team America: World Police
Thunderbirds meet South Park.
At first, this movie looks like it's about the marionettes from the old tv movies, the Thunderbirds, I used to watch as a kid. Then, they start talking and cursing like the kids from South Park.
I love parodies and these guys made fun of everyone.
Team America is a small group of freedom fighters that police the world and fight terrorism. They go around blowing up terrorists, while blowing up buildings and other innocent people at the same time. It's a good spoof of the U.S.'s philosophy towards the world.
One of their team members is killed by a terrorist. The team leader, Spottswoode, goes to find a replacement by finding a really good actor, Gary Johnston, that's starring in the hit Broadway musical, "Lease".
Gary is reluctant to follow Spottswoode at first.
Gary: Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get in your car and let you put your finger inside me. Then if I go down on you I get a movie part.
Spottswoode: Please, Gary, I'm not from Hollywood. I'm not going to fuck your mouth and my time is extremely valuable.
Gary (inside the flying Lamborghini Diablo limo): Jesus, this is a nice limo.
Spottswoode: Yes, it is. Now suck my cock.
Gary asks him why he wants an actor to join Team America, and Spottswoode responds that spying is just merely acting.
Gary falls in love with Lisa.
Lisa: Promise me you'll never die.
Gary: You know that I can't promise that.
Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
Gary: I promise I will never die.
The next scene shows the infamous puppet sex scene.
Then, their supercomputer, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., which sometimes gives bad intelligence, notifies them of terrorist activity.
Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.
Gary: 9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's...
Spottswoode: Yes, 91,100.
Chris: Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.
The team finds out that the North Korean commie dictator, Kim Jong Il is behind the terrorism. But, during one of his stirring solo song, we discover that he is just misunderstood and terribly "ronery" all by himself.
This movie has a lot of extremely crude humor and most of it is pretty offensive, but I was laughing my ass off.
They poke fun at Hollywood actors and the Film Actors Guild (F.A.G.).
In one scene Gary gets drunk at a bar and pukes nonstop for a long time. That's exactly what I looked liked after I got drunk at my last office party.
One drunk guy at the bar tells Gary his philosophy about how the world goes around:
"See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!"
Apparently, Gary remembers this profound diatribe even after he passes out in a pool of his own vomit. After all the F.A.G. actors and the world leaders meet in Kim Jong Il's palace for a supposed peace conference, Gary gives a speech in front of everyone about why Team America needs to stop Kim Jong Il:
"We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!"
The Highs: Extremely crass, and funny, jokes.
The Lows: May be offensive to many.
The Verdict: A South Park parody of politics and Hollywood, "Thunderbirds Are Go!" style.
My rating: B, 88.
At first, this movie looks like it's about the marionettes from the old tv movies, the Thunderbirds, I used to watch as a kid. Then, they start talking and cursing like the kids from South Park.
I love parodies and these guys made fun of everyone.
Team America is a small group of freedom fighters that police the world and fight terrorism. They go around blowing up terrorists, while blowing up buildings and other innocent people at the same time. It's a good spoof of the U.S.'s philosophy towards the world.
One of their team members is killed by a terrorist. The team leader, Spottswoode, goes to find a replacement by finding a really good actor, Gary Johnston, that's starring in the hit Broadway musical, "Lease".
Gary is reluctant to follow Spottswoode at first.
Gary: Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get in your car and let you put your finger inside me. Then if I go down on you I get a movie part.
Spottswoode: Please, Gary, I'm not from Hollywood. I'm not going to fuck your mouth and my time is extremely valuable.
Gary (inside the flying Lamborghini Diablo limo): Jesus, this is a nice limo.
Spottswoode: Yes, it is. Now suck my cock.
Gary asks him why he wants an actor to join Team America, and Spottswoode responds that spying is just merely acting.
Gary falls in love with Lisa.
Lisa: Promise me you'll never die.
Gary: You know that I can't promise that.
Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
Gary: I promise I will never die.
The next scene shows the infamous puppet sex scene.
Then, their supercomputer, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., which sometimes gives bad intelligence, notifies them of terrorist activity.
Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.
Gary: 9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's...
Spottswoode: Yes, 91,100.
Chris: Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.
The team finds out that the North Korean commie dictator, Kim Jong Il is behind the terrorism. But, during one of his stirring solo song, we discover that he is just misunderstood and terribly "ronery" all by himself.
This movie has a lot of extremely crude humor and most of it is pretty offensive, but I was laughing my ass off.
They poke fun at Hollywood actors and the Film Actors Guild (F.A.G.).
In one scene Gary gets drunk at a bar and pukes nonstop for a long time. That's exactly what I looked liked after I got drunk at my last office party.
One drunk guy at the bar tells Gary his philosophy about how the world goes around:
"See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!"
Apparently, Gary remembers this profound diatribe even after he passes out in a pool of his own vomit. After all the F.A.G. actors and the world leaders meet in Kim Jong Il's palace for a supposed peace conference, Gary gives a speech in front of everyone about why Team America needs to stop Kim Jong Il:
"We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!"
The Highs: Extremely crass, and funny, jokes.
The Lows: May be offensive to many.
The Verdict: A South Park parody of politics and Hollywood, "Thunderbirds Are Go!" style.
My rating: B, 88.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Who Brews the Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that. Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .............
"HEBREWS"
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that. Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .............
"HEBREWS"
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