Walk the Line
Monday, March 20, 2006
Walk the Line
This movie is about Johnny Cash's life and his romance with June Carter.
The movie features great acting by Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon.
The movie begins with his life as a little boy listening to the radio. He had a crush on June Carter ever since she was only 10 years old when he heard her songs on the radio. He looked up to his big brother and wondered why he was so good. Unfortunately, his brother died one day accidentally on a circular saw. His father blamed Johnny and said that god took away the wrong son. The movie shows the antagony that goes on between many fathers and sons.
Later on, he gets married to his wife and eventually has three daughters. Before she agreed to marry him, she said that her father told her he had problems. When they showed his face, I thought that he really had mental problems.
When he struggled to make his first record, he and his 2 mechanic buddies were so bad, I thought he really did have mental problems. He sang so slowly with a long deep drawl. But, he eventually became confident and sang a lot better after many tours on stage.
At that time, there were no rock stars. He and his traveling band of performers were the first ones. He traveled with other up and coming stars like Elvis Presley and Jerry Lee Lewis.
He falls into temptation when all these girls throw themselves at him. He succumbs to drugs to help him keep going when he gets tired on the road. Later on, he becomes addicted to amphetamines.
He also falls in love with June Carter. I must say I admire his tenacity. He never gives up when his songs were really slow and bad in the beginning. Then, he asks June Carter to marry him after his divorce with his wife. She says no, but after 40 times, she says yes, because he asks her to marry him on stage in front of everybody. That's too much pressure for a girl to say no to.
One time, at the sundry store, this woman tells June Carter she's a sinner for divorcing and remarrying. Marriage is forever.
Christians were a lot more vocal back then.
Anyway, they eventually get married and stay together until their death in 2003.
The highs: Good acting, good story, good biography of Johnny Cash, impressive singing abilities of Phoenix and Witherspoon.
The lows: Went a little long on; adultery, drug addiction; sinners (but sought redemption in the end).
The verdict: A great movie about Johnny Cash and June Carter.
My rating: A, 91.
The movie features great acting by Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon.
The movie begins with his life as a little boy listening to the radio. He had a crush on June Carter ever since she was only 10 years old when he heard her songs on the radio. He looked up to his big brother and wondered why he was so good. Unfortunately, his brother died one day accidentally on a circular saw. His father blamed Johnny and said that god took away the wrong son. The movie shows the antagony that goes on between many fathers and sons.
Later on, he gets married to his wife and eventually has three daughters. Before she agreed to marry him, she said that her father told her he had problems. When they showed his face, I thought that he really had mental problems.
When he struggled to make his first record, he and his 2 mechanic buddies were so bad, I thought he really did have mental problems. He sang so slowly with a long deep drawl. But, he eventually became confident and sang a lot better after many tours on stage.
At that time, there were no rock stars. He and his traveling band of performers were the first ones. He traveled with other up and coming stars like Elvis Presley and Jerry Lee Lewis.
He falls into temptation when all these girls throw themselves at him. He succumbs to drugs to help him keep going when he gets tired on the road. Later on, he becomes addicted to amphetamines.
He also falls in love with June Carter. I must say I admire his tenacity. He never gives up when his songs were really slow and bad in the beginning. Then, he asks June Carter to marry him after his divorce with his wife. She says no, but after 40 times, she says yes, because he asks her to marry him on stage in front of everybody. That's too much pressure for a girl to say no to.
One time, at the sundry store, this woman tells June Carter she's a sinner for divorcing and remarrying. Marriage is forever.
Christians were a lot more vocal back then.
Anyway, they eventually get married and stay together until their death in 2003.
The highs: Good acting, good story, good biography of Johnny Cash, impressive singing abilities of Phoenix and Witherspoon.
The lows: Went a little long on; adultery, drug addiction; sinners (but sought redemption in the end).
The verdict: A great movie about Johnny Cash and June Carter.
My rating: A, 91.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Torque
From the makers of 2 Fast 2 Furious, comes Torque: 2 Stupid on 2 Wheels.
If you hated The Fast and The Furious and its sequel, you'll rage with uncontrollable loathing against this film. If you liked the first two movies, then you might be able to tolerate this one, but just barely. As with most action movies, people go to see these types of films strictly for the action. I must admit, the motorcycle chase scenes on the freeways were kinda cool and exciting to watch. But, that's about the only redeeming factor in this boob of a movie.
The movie is about this motorcycle riding outlaw named Ford. He ran off to Thailand for 6 months to hide from the feds because they were accusing him of drug smuggling. He comes back to see his girlfriend, Shane. She also rides bikes. His 2 bike riding buddies also tag along for the fun.
Henry, the boss of the Hell's Angels-type gang, the Hellion, is after Ford. Henry is the one who put vials of crystal methamphetamine inside some motorcycles he wanted Ford to look after. The FBI gets wind of this and try to arrest Ford. Ford then flees the country until things cool down a bit. Before he took off, Ford hid the motorcycles. Now that Henry discovers that Ford's back in town, Henry wants to recover his bikes that are full of drugs.
Ford also gets involved with Trey, played by Ice Cube. It's weird how Ice Cube becomes an Ice Tray in this movie. Oh well. Ice Trey is the leader of the Reapers, an African American sport bike gang. Henry kills Ice Trey's little brother and frames Ford for murder. Ice Trey wants bloody revenge for this despicable deed. I thought Henry did Ice Trey a favor since Trey's little brother was a brat and was getting in all sorts of trouble. But, of course, Ice Trey needs to exact revenge for the murder of his blood.
Do yourself a favor and take long bathroom breaks whenever the action stops and the characters start talking. You'll save yourself a lot of painful moments of groaning.
I can't stand gangsters. Motorcycle gangs like the Hell's Angels hog riders are an anathema to me.
The only good thing about the film is that the motorcycle chase scenes were pretty fast and thrilling. The filmmakers, however, even managed to screw some of the action sequences up when they put too much goofy CGI in the chase scenes though. They looked totally fake, especially the horrendous last chase scene.
The final chase scene takes place in downtown L.A. Oh my gosh was it absurdly fast! It's faster than the superfast car racing videogame, Burnout Revenge. That kind of silliness doesn't belong on the big screen. Instead of using real action, they use CGI. Now, they lost all credibility. It looked like a roadrunner cartoon. Even the music seemed to have been sped up.
Ford gets his dirty little paws and butt on the Ultrafast Y2K jet engine motorcycle. Only 10 have ever been made. Of course, Jay Leno has one of them. Ford uses the Y2K to chase down Henry on his nitro powered supercharged hog cruiser. These 2 clowns fight on their bikes while traveling 200 miles an hour through downtown L.A. Let me tell you this is the most ridiculous sequence that I've seen in an action movie. They go so fast that it looks like they're going through cars. It's not like they've reached light speed yet. Yes, they are going fast, but not fast enough to go through solid two tons of steel.
Another thing that totally makes me laugh is that even when they're going 200 miles an hour or so, they don't get very far distance wise. At that speed, they would have been half way to San Diego. Henry and Ford speed through downtown LA on Grand Avenue. They start from 2nd Street and after passing a thousand buildings, streets, and cars, they end up on Wilshire. It's like watching a cartoon where the characters go real fast and you can see the background pass by really fast. Anyway, Ford flips his bike and lands on top of Henry. Henry dies and Ford wins.
These guys cover less distance going 200 mph than I can on my skateboard. You guys have seen my downhill skateboarding videos. I've gone from 3rd Street to 6th Street on Grand in 40 seconds. These dumbos cover the same amount of ground while going superfast in that long chase sequence. They've been going straight the whole time too.
There were so many things wrong with this movie that I don't know where to begin. In the last chase sequence where Ford lands his bike on top of Henry, they are in front of the Wilshire Grand Hotel. An old bus driver comes skreeching to a halt right over Ford's face. Then, when they do a close-up of the driver, he has become a big fat guy with a long beard and moustache. How the heck did they put in a different extra for that scene?
In one of the freeway chase scenes, the Hummer the FBI drives flips over at 100 mph right on top of a Porsche. But, the Hummer drops straight on top of the Porsche. What happened to the forward horizontal momentum?
The guy in the Porsche 911 Turbo was the same guy that got beat up by Henry on one of his bike trips. How did he get that Porsche so fast and get to L.A. faster than Ford and Henry who have been racing to LA the whole time? What happened to the Porsche guy's chopper? The guy gets rid of his hog, gets inside a Porsche, and gets stuck in LA traffic long before Ford and everyone else who have been cannonballing to get there.
When the Feds open up the 18 wheeler's trailer, the NASCAR race car just jumps out of the trailer. How is it possible that the FBI guy doesn't get run over after opening the door?
How do the bike riders just jump over obstacles without ramps? Ford just happens to jump over fallen trees and stuff.
Another ridiculous mistake in the movie was when Shane and the evil biker bitch fight one on one on top of their bikes. It may be cool to watch, but it's so ridiculous. Other than to show off their acrobatic motorcycle skills, why would they ride their motorcycles straight through the fish market rather than ride away somewhere else? They ride straight through the fish market at about 60 miles an hour. That fish market just might be the longest fish market in the world.
It's just like the last scene in downtown LA. You can see the same Michelin sign in the background over and over again. I've seen it about 8 times in the background. Are there that many Michelin stores there? Just exactly how long is that fish market? They're going fast, but they don't cover much ground. They're going in a straight line, but they pass by the same stuff over and over again.
Ford says he lives his life 1 quarter mile at a time. Even the other characters think that's the stupidest thing they've ever heard.
The Hell's Angels gang is also fighting for 1 Meellion Dollars worth of crystal meth. When he said that, I thought of the evil genius in Austin Powers. Come on! $1 Millino dollars is not much these days, especially when he has to support a gang that big.
I just watched this movie, because I like motorcycles and fast chase scenes. I really want a motorcycle too. As God as my witness, I will get a motorcycle one day if it's the last thing I do.
The Highs: Lots of fast bikes.
The Lows: Too many to list. Bad story, bad acting, too much CGI, too many ridiculous mistakes. Read the review above.
The Verdict: Torque makes The Fast and the Furious look like an Oscar winner in comparison.
My rating: F, 57.
If you hated The Fast and The Furious and its sequel, you'll rage with uncontrollable loathing against this film. If you liked the first two movies, then you might be able to tolerate this one, but just barely. As with most action movies, people go to see these types of films strictly for the action. I must admit, the motorcycle chase scenes on the freeways were kinda cool and exciting to watch. But, that's about the only redeeming factor in this boob of a movie.
The movie is about this motorcycle riding outlaw named Ford. He ran off to Thailand for 6 months to hide from the feds because they were accusing him of drug smuggling. He comes back to see his girlfriend, Shane. She also rides bikes. His 2 bike riding buddies also tag along for the fun.
Henry, the boss of the Hell's Angels-type gang, the Hellion, is after Ford. Henry is the one who put vials of crystal methamphetamine inside some motorcycles he wanted Ford to look after. The FBI gets wind of this and try to arrest Ford. Ford then flees the country until things cool down a bit. Before he took off, Ford hid the motorcycles. Now that Henry discovers that Ford's back in town, Henry wants to recover his bikes that are full of drugs.
Ford also gets involved with Trey, played by Ice Cube. It's weird how Ice Cube becomes an Ice Tray in this movie. Oh well. Ice Trey is the leader of the Reapers, an African American sport bike gang. Henry kills Ice Trey's little brother and frames Ford for murder. Ice Trey wants bloody revenge for this despicable deed. I thought Henry did Ice Trey a favor since Trey's little brother was a brat and was getting in all sorts of trouble. But, of course, Ice Trey needs to exact revenge for the murder of his blood.
Do yourself a favor and take long bathroom breaks whenever the action stops and the characters start talking. You'll save yourself a lot of painful moments of groaning.
I can't stand gangsters. Motorcycle gangs like the Hell's Angels hog riders are an anathema to me.
The only good thing about the film is that the motorcycle chase scenes were pretty fast and thrilling. The filmmakers, however, even managed to screw some of the action sequences up when they put too much goofy CGI in the chase scenes though. They looked totally fake, especially the horrendous last chase scene.
The final chase scene takes place in downtown L.A. Oh my gosh was it absurdly fast! It's faster than the superfast car racing videogame, Burnout Revenge. That kind of silliness doesn't belong on the big screen. Instead of using real action, they use CGI. Now, they lost all credibility. It looked like a roadrunner cartoon. Even the music seemed to have been sped up.
Ford gets his dirty little paws and butt on the Ultrafast Y2K jet engine motorcycle. Only 10 have ever been made. Of course, Jay Leno has one of them. Ford uses the Y2K to chase down Henry on his nitro powered supercharged hog cruiser. These 2 clowns fight on their bikes while traveling 200 miles an hour through downtown L.A. Let me tell you this is the most ridiculous sequence that I've seen in an action movie. They go so fast that it looks like they're going through cars. It's not like they've reached light speed yet. Yes, they are going fast, but not fast enough to go through solid two tons of steel.
Another thing that totally makes me laugh is that even when they're going 200 miles an hour or so, they don't get very far distance wise. At that speed, they would have been half way to San Diego. Henry and Ford speed through downtown LA on Grand Avenue. They start from 2nd Street and after passing a thousand buildings, streets, and cars, they end up on Wilshire. It's like watching a cartoon where the characters go real fast and you can see the background pass by really fast. Anyway, Ford flips his bike and lands on top of Henry. Henry dies and Ford wins.
These guys cover less distance going 200 mph than I can on my skateboard. You guys have seen my downhill skateboarding videos. I've gone from 3rd Street to 6th Street on Grand in 40 seconds. These dumbos cover the same amount of ground while going superfast in that long chase sequence. They've been going straight the whole time too.
There were so many things wrong with this movie that I don't know where to begin. In the last chase sequence where Ford lands his bike on top of Henry, they are in front of the Wilshire Grand Hotel. An old bus driver comes skreeching to a halt right over Ford's face. Then, when they do a close-up of the driver, he has become a big fat guy with a long beard and moustache. How the heck did they put in a different extra for that scene?
In one of the freeway chase scenes, the Hummer the FBI drives flips over at 100 mph right on top of a Porsche. But, the Hummer drops straight on top of the Porsche. What happened to the forward horizontal momentum?
The guy in the Porsche 911 Turbo was the same guy that got beat up by Henry on one of his bike trips. How did he get that Porsche so fast and get to L.A. faster than Ford and Henry who have been racing to LA the whole time? What happened to the Porsche guy's chopper? The guy gets rid of his hog, gets inside a Porsche, and gets stuck in LA traffic long before Ford and everyone else who have been cannonballing to get there.
When the Feds open up the 18 wheeler's trailer, the NASCAR race car just jumps out of the trailer. How is it possible that the FBI guy doesn't get run over after opening the door?
How do the bike riders just jump over obstacles without ramps? Ford just happens to jump over fallen trees and stuff.
Another ridiculous mistake in the movie was when Shane and the evil biker bitch fight one on one on top of their bikes. It may be cool to watch, but it's so ridiculous. Other than to show off their acrobatic motorcycle skills, why would they ride their motorcycles straight through the fish market rather than ride away somewhere else? They ride straight through the fish market at about 60 miles an hour. That fish market just might be the longest fish market in the world.
It's just like the last scene in downtown LA. You can see the same Michelin sign in the background over and over again. I've seen it about 8 times in the background. Are there that many Michelin stores there? Just exactly how long is that fish market? They're going fast, but they don't cover much ground. They're going in a straight line, but they pass by the same stuff over and over again.
Ford says he lives his life 1 quarter mile at a time. Even the other characters think that's the stupidest thing they've ever heard.
The Hell's Angels gang is also fighting for 1 Meellion Dollars worth of crystal meth. When he said that, I thought of the evil genius in Austin Powers. Come on! $1 Millino dollars is not much these days, especially when he has to support a gang that big.
I just watched this movie, because I like motorcycles and fast chase scenes. I really want a motorcycle too. As God as my witness, I will get a motorcycle one day if it's the last thing I do.
The Highs: Lots of fast bikes.
The Lows: Too many to list. Bad story, bad acting, too much CGI, too many ridiculous mistakes. Read the review above.
The Verdict: Torque makes The Fast and the Furious look like an Oscar winner in comparison.
My rating: F, 57.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
National Lampoon's Van Wilder
"Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive." Write that down. If you don't have a pen, then remember it.
So goes one of Van Wilder's sayings that embodies his epicurean philosophy.
Think of this movie as American Pie without the laughs. There were a lot of gross-out, low brow, crass teenage jokes, but it didn't produce the guffaws I was hoping it would. The film is like a guy that doesn't know how to tell a dirty joke. And everyone knows that dirty jokes are the funniest jokes.
Van Wilder looks like a young Will Ferrell. Van Wilder is a 7th year senior at the presitigious Coolidge College. The film was shot at the campus of UCLA though. His wild partying days are numbered, however, when his rich dad/poor father finds out that he still hasn't graduated. His dad says, "Sometimes, in life, you have to recognize a bad investment and then, cut your losses. Write that down."
Now, Wilder has to find a way to pay for his tuition so that he can stay in school. Don't be a fool, stay in school. The more you know, the further you'll go. --A public service announcement. When I was in college, I wanted to stay there as long as possible too. I graduated early though, because I had so many A.P. credits even though I switched majors a lot.
The old spinster of a school administrator takes advantage of Van by unleashing her post-menopausal hormones all over him. He finds out afterwards that he could have simply filed for an extension to pay for tuition without having to compromise his morals and body.
After visiting the local gentleman's club with his posse, he comes up with a creative idea to pay for tuition. He comes up with Topless Tutors-an excellent tutorial service that inspires college dorks to study hard. Once the tutees come up with the right answers to their study questions, they get rewarded by being able to gawk at strippers' mammaries. The fun stops when the strip club owner puts a stop to Van's business.
Meanwhile, Tara Reid, the campus newspaper journalist gets assigned to write about the campus legend, Van Wilder. She dislikes his immaturity at first, but later warms up to him. The nerd fraternity hires Van to throw a rockin' good party and he delivers. Tara writes about the story and the newspaper publishes the front page with the headlines: Van Wilder: Party Liason. Soon, the phones ring off the hook with frats and other clubs asking him to organize parties for them. He comes up with the money to pay for tuition so he gets to stay in school.
Tara's self-obsessed fratboy premed boyfriend gets jealous of her spending too much time with Van and comes up with a way to topple the big man on campus. During one of Van's parties, Tara's bf sneaks in a bunch of elementary school kids in and then the kids get drunk. The little brats start hurling like I did at the office party a couple weeks ago. The cops come and arrest Wilder for serving alcohol to underage kids. When the school finds out, he gets expelled. All the students rally together to protest his expulsion. Wilder goes through an administrative hearing and after a sappy court room scene, he gets to stay. He studies hard for his finals and graduates with a degree in leisure studies.
As I said before, humor is an elusive quality that cannot be attained with mere crass farce. There were several crude gags that did induce some laughs from me, but not as much as the American Pie movies. This movie as a whole just didn't come cohesively together to make a great comedy. This lampoonani is no Animal House.
In the first scene, it looks like an old Asian lady is orally pleasuring Wilder, but really she was just sucking on a lolipop and measuring his inseam for alterations. That is a typical example of the types of jokes that are spread throughout the film. Wilder then takes off his pants and goes to the top of the roof to save the Sherminator, from the American Pie movies, from jumping off and killing himself. For some unknown reason, Wilder doesn't have any underwear on. I guess he likes to go commando.
Then, Wilder interviews people to become his personal assistant. I don't know why he needed one since it looked like he had a sidekick that tagged along everywhere he went anyway. Everyone who goes through the interview is a little whack. Even Erik Estrada, who is constantly looking for jobs after CHiPs, auditions for the job. This film displays poor editing, since it was confusing who Wilder and his sidekick were talking to when the camera kept going back and forth between the interviewees.
The editing really needed a lot of work in this movie. Sometimes, it looks like Wilder is trying to act by making a strange facial expression and the camera just cuts him off.
Wilder finally finds a guy who fits the bill--Kumar from Harold and Kumar Goes to White Castle. Taj Mahal Badalandabad (Kal Penn or Kumar) says he wants to be Van's assistant because he wants Wilder to help him score. Kumar says:
"You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder."
Wilder sets Kumar up with the pulchritudinous Naomi (which is "I moan" backwards). Kumar gets super-excited when he's with her. He puts on massage oils and accidentally slides off her back and falls off the bed. The candles land on him and the massage oils on his back catches on fire. He jumps out the window into the pool. Now, that would make a memorable first time!
After Tara's bf plays a dirty trick on Wilder, he gets revenge by massaging his bulldog's "hot dog" with eclairs. He sends pastries filled with his dog's semen to Tara's frat house Delta Iota Kappa (DIK) and the fratboys gobble it up. That was gross!
Tara also gets back at her bf by putting a ton of Colon Blow powder in his protein shake. He messes up his medical school entrance exams, because he needs to go poo really badly. He starts sweating profusely and just starts filling out the answers randomly. He runs away farting. Before he is able to get to the bathroom, Tara's father introduces him to the Northwestern Med School interviewers. No longer able to hold it in, he finally runs to the trashcan and puts his whole butt in there. He craps and fills up the entire basket.
Other jokes in the movie just weren't funny. A lot of it just bombed like when Wilder organized the nude marathon. There was nothing really to laugh at, except for maybe one really fat and hairy guy.
The highs: 1 or 2 funny gags
The lows: American Pie without the Pie.
The Verdict: This movie's no American Pie. Tastes so bad makes a grown man cry.
My rating: D, 66.
So goes one of Van Wilder's sayings that embodies his epicurean philosophy.
Think of this movie as American Pie without the laughs. There were a lot of gross-out, low brow, crass teenage jokes, but it didn't produce the guffaws I was hoping it would. The film is like a guy that doesn't know how to tell a dirty joke. And everyone knows that dirty jokes are the funniest jokes.
Van Wilder looks like a young Will Ferrell. Van Wilder is a 7th year senior at the presitigious Coolidge College. The film was shot at the campus of UCLA though. His wild partying days are numbered, however, when his rich dad/poor father finds out that he still hasn't graduated. His dad says, "Sometimes, in life, you have to recognize a bad investment and then, cut your losses. Write that down."
Now, Wilder has to find a way to pay for his tuition so that he can stay in school. Don't be a fool, stay in school. The more you know, the further you'll go. --A public service announcement. When I was in college, I wanted to stay there as long as possible too. I graduated early though, because I had so many A.P. credits even though I switched majors a lot.
The old spinster of a school administrator takes advantage of Van by unleashing her post-menopausal hormones all over him. He finds out afterwards that he could have simply filed for an extension to pay for tuition without having to compromise his morals and body.
After visiting the local gentleman's club with his posse, he comes up with a creative idea to pay for tuition. He comes up with Topless Tutors-an excellent tutorial service that inspires college dorks to study hard. Once the tutees come up with the right answers to their study questions, they get rewarded by being able to gawk at strippers' mammaries. The fun stops when the strip club owner puts a stop to Van's business.
Meanwhile, Tara Reid, the campus newspaper journalist gets assigned to write about the campus legend, Van Wilder. She dislikes his immaturity at first, but later warms up to him. The nerd fraternity hires Van to throw a rockin' good party and he delivers. Tara writes about the story and the newspaper publishes the front page with the headlines: Van Wilder: Party Liason. Soon, the phones ring off the hook with frats and other clubs asking him to organize parties for them. He comes up with the money to pay for tuition so he gets to stay in school.
Tara's self-obsessed fratboy premed boyfriend gets jealous of her spending too much time with Van and comes up with a way to topple the big man on campus. During one of Van's parties, Tara's bf sneaks in a bunch of elementary school kids in and then the kids get drunk. The little brats start hurling like I did at the office party a couple weeks ago. The cops come and arrest Wilder for serving alcohol to underage kids. When the school finds out, he gets expelled. All the students rally together to protest his expulsion. Wilder goes through an administrative hearing and after a sappy court room scene, he gets to stay. He studies hard for his finals and graduates with a degree in leisure studies.
As I said before, humor is an elusive quality that cannot be attained with mere crass farce. There were several crude gags that did induce some laughs from me, but not as much as the American Pie movies. This movie as a whole just didn't come cohesively together to make a great comedy. This lampoonani is no Animal House.
In the first scene, it looks like an old Asian lady is orally pleasuring Wilder, but really she was just sucking on a lolipop and measuring his inseam for alterations. That is a typical example of the types of jokes that are spread throughout the film. Wilder then takes off his pants and goes to the top of the roof to save the Sherminator, from the American Pie movies, from jumping off and killing himself. For some unknown reason, Wilder doesn't have any underwear on. I guess he likes to go commando.
Then, Wilder interviews people to become his personal assistant. I don't know why he needed one since it looked like he had a sidekick that tagged along everywhere he went anyway. Everyone who goes through the interview is a little whack. Even Erik Estrada, who is constantly looking for jobs after CHiPs, auditions for the job. This film displays poor editing, since it was confusing who Wilder and his sidekick were talking to when the camera kept going back and forth between the interviewees.
The editing really needed a lot of work in this movie. Sometimes, it looks like Wilder is trying to act by making a strange facial expression and the camera just cuts him off.
Wilder finally finds a guy who fits the bill--Kumar from Harold and Kumar Goes to White Castle. Taj Mahal Badalandabad (Kal Penn or Kumar) says he wants to be Van's assistant because he wants Wilder to help him score. Kumar says:
"You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder."
Wilder sets Kumar up with the pulchritudinous Naomi (which is "I moan" backwards). Kumar gets super-excited when he's with her. He puts on massage oils and accidentally slides off her back and falls off the bed. The candles land on him and the massage oils on his back catches on fire. He jumps out the window into the pool. Now, that would make a memorable first time!
After Tara's bf plays a dirty trick on Wilder, he gets revenge by massaging his bulldog's "hot dog" with eclairs. He sends pastries filled with his dog's semen to Tara's frat house Delta Iota Kappa (DIK) and the fratboys gobble it up. That was gross!
Tara also gets back at her bf by putting a ton of Colon Blow powder in his protein shake. He messes up his medical school entrance exams, because he needs to go poo really badly. He starts sweating profusely and just starts filling out the answers randomly. He runs away farting. Before he is able to get to the bathroom, Tara's father introduces him to the Northwestern Med School interviewers. No longer able to hold it in, he finally runs to the trashcan and puts his whole butt in there. He craps and fills up the entire basket.
Other jokes in the movie just weren't funny. A lot of it just bombed like when Wilder organized the nude marathon. There was nothing really to laugh at, except for maybe one really fat and hairy guy.
The highs: 1 or 2 funny gags
The lows: American Pie without the Pie.
The Verdict: This movie's no American Pie. Tastes so bad makes a grown man cry.
My rating: D, 66.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I'm Sick Again
This year, we had a really mild winter in L.A., so I thought I had managed to get through this winter without getting a cold or flu, but, alas, it isn't so. I usually get the cold or flu at least once every year. Well, these past couple of days in March had been really cold so it lowered my immune system. I'm still trying to tough it out at work. That's how I am. I had perfect attendance when I went to school and I want to keep it that way. This cold medicine is putting me to sleep though. I'm going in and out of consciousness. This has been like the third week in a row I haven't been feeling well. A couple of weeks ago, I got alcohol poisoning from drinking too much at the office party. Then, I got food poisoning the following week. Now, I'm just plain sick. Blah!
I've been having weird dreams lately that seem so real to me. In one of my dreams, Sarah and I were at a very large park. There were hundreds of Mexican chicano gangbangers and they wouldn't let us go. I had to fight them all. Somehow, we escaped and went to my old house in La Canada. There were tons of gangsters there too. We went inside our home, and they started breaking the door down. I called 911, but the cops were taking too long to come as usual. I had to fight them again. I was getting tired and somehow, I used my magic powers to blow all of them up. Maybe, I dreamed about that after I saw all these gangster looking guys at the bowling alley this past weekend looking at me in a way I didn't like. Their mean looks pissed me off, and I peeled away from the bowling parking lot and drove home like a maniac. That didn't make Pastor Iris and my wife happy.
I'm taking Prometh for my cold. It causes drowsiness. I went to Starbucks and got some free coffee during their annual coffee break giveaway. I drank 2 large cups of coffee. Now, I'm feeling totally weird. My head feels like it's full of helium. My head feels detached from my head. My hands are shaking a lot. It's pretty weird and interesting.
I've been having weird dreams lately that seem so real to me. In one of my dreams, Sarah and I were at a very large park. There were hundreds of Mexican chicano gangbangers and they wouldn't let us go. I had to fight them all. Somehow, we escaped and went to my old house in La Canada. There were tons of gangsters there too. We went inside our home, and they started breaking the door down. I called 911, but the cops were taking too long to come as usual. I had to fight them again. I was getting tired and somehow, I used my magic powers to blow all of them up. Maybe, I dreamed about that after I saw all these gangster looking guys at the bowling alley this past weekend looking at me in a way I didn't like. Their mean looks pissed me off, and I peeled away from the bowling parking lot and drove home like a maniac. That didn't make Pastor Iris and my wife happy.
I'm taking Prometh for my cold. It causes drowsiness. I went to Starbucks and got some free coffee during their annual coffee break giveaway. I drank 2 large cups of coffee. Now, I'm feeling totally weird. My head feels like it's full of helium. My head feels detached from my head. My hands are shaking a lot. It's pretty weird and interesting.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Sex and Church
These days kids are having way too much sex. Even the church is not immune to the adultery epidemic that is happening in our society today. I remember one time when I was at Young Nak Presbyterian Church (the biggest meat market church in LA) these girls were talking behind me. We were having a joint worship service with the English ministry's young adult, college, and high school department. While I had my eyes closed trying to meditate on god before the worship service began, I overheard the following conversation by a group of some high school looking girls:
"So, did you do him?"
"How was it?"
I thought to myself, "What the hell is going on!?"
Another time, when I was at Oriental Mission Church (OMC), there was this scandal where this guy kept trying to sleep with every girl at church. Two of the girls reported that they had been deflowered by the lascivious Don Juan to the minister. That Casanova Frankenstein got excommunicated from the church.
Another time at church, this guy told one of his buddies, "All I want to do is have sex with girls." So, profound. These guys that go to church on Sundays-late morning or afternoon service are the same ones that go clubbing on girls on Saturday nights.
I suggest that we force these kids to wear a big Scarlett Letter "A" for Adultery around their necks like back in the puritan times. Let them feel the burn of shame as they hang their heads low! Well, knowing kids today, that red letter A might become a fashion trend like hip hop gangstas.
Things have changed a lot since I was in high school. Times have changed a lot. I was really innocent back then. I just stayed home watching tv on Saturday nights and played videogames on my Commodore 64.
"So, did you do him?"
"How was it?"
I thought to myself, "What the hell is going on!?"
Another time, when I was at Oriental Mission Church (OMC), there was this scandal where this guy kept trying to sleep with every girl at church. Two of the girls reported that they had been deflowered by the lascivious Don Juan to the minister. That Casanova Frankenstein got excommunicated from the church.
Another time at church, this guy told one of his buddies, "All I want to do is have sex with girls." So, profound. These guys that go to church on Sundays-late morning or afternoon service are the same ones that go clubbing on girls on Saturday nights.
I suggest that we force these kids to wear a big Scarlett Letter "A" for Adultery around their necks like back in the puritan times. Let them feel the burn of shame as they hang their heads low! Well, knowing kids today, that red letter A might become a fashion trend like hip hop gangstas.
Things have changed a lot since I was in high school. Times have changed a lot. I was really innocent back then. I just stayed home watching tv on Saturday nights and played videogames on my Commodore 64.
Monday, March 13, 2006
Sarah Scores a Strike!
Here's a clip of Sarah scoring a strike and I called it!
For some reason, the videos become really dark when I post them up to a video host server. Oh well.
I have some more bowling clips from that night, but they're all boring clips that came out too dark.
I'm never bowling again. My right wrist was killing me due to my skateboard accident a week ago. Bowling made the pain a lot worse. I'm still hurting as I'm typing this post up. I thought it was a waste when I was throwing all those balls into the gutter. I could have used my left arm, but I would have done a lot worse since I'm not left-handed. I could have used a two-handed throw, but I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of everyone. We should have went ice-skating as originally planned, but a lot of folks flaked out. Tony Koo was really good. Nick had a good spin move. Sarah did much better than me. I made one strike and several gutter balls.
Weekend Wrap-Up 3/10/06-3/12/06
Eating Kim
At dinner on Friday, I was eating a lot of kim (Korean seaweed wrap similar to sushi wraps, not another girl, you sickos. Koreans know what I'm talking about). Even when I was done with my bowl of rice, I kept eating kim until I finished the whole package. That's just how I am. I keep eating until there's no more food in front of me. I eat a bag of chips or cookies that way too.
Eating all that kim reminded me of when I was in first grade. Since I grew up in a Korean household, I ate Korean food primarily. One time, a white friend of mine from school came over. His name was Jacob Williams. I think he broke into my house when I was in 6th grade and stole my VCR and money that was hidden in my desk, but that's another story. Anyway, we were running around trashing my house. Afterwards, we wanted some snacks. Jacob wanted to eat something, but the only thing I could find was kim. I told him it was seaweed wrap, but he ate it anyway and liked it. He was always a fat kid. So, we just ate the package of kim like normal white kids would eat a bag of chips. It was the good kind of kim. It was nice, green, crisp, and salty.
When Life Gives You Lemons and Oranges, Make Lemon and Orange Ade
On Saturday, we went to my parents' house. Sarah bought a bunch of lemons just because they were on sale. We took the lemons to my parents' house so that we could make some lemonade with my mom's juicer. We didn't have enough lemons to make enough lemonade for all of us, so we decided to throw in some oranges in there too. We just threw in all these lemons and oranges in there whole, including the peels. We failed to put the lid on properly. The juicer started splattering lemon and orange juices and pulps all over the kitchen. It was squirting all of us. I should have stuck my tongue out and tried to drink some of it as it flew into my face.
I remembered when I was a kid, I could eat lemons like I ate oranges. But, now that I'm older, I can't handle sour things like I used to. I can't even drink Costco pomegranate juice anymore. It's so sour now. Why'd they get rid of the delicious sweet pomegranate juice they used to have?
Shopping for Flowers and Vases
Later on, we went to Moskatel's in downtown LA to buy some flowers, plants, and vases. [Note to self: Never go shopping with Sarah again when she's buying things that only appeal to women.] The first 30 minutes of choosing flowers and stuff were okay. I was having fun pretending to drink out of giant vases that looked like champagne glasses and throwing around giant fake stone balls. We even had a sword fight with bamboo sticks. Then, after the first hour, I started getting worn out. The next hour and a half bored me to tears. Sarah spent so much time trying to find the perfect items for our home. I'm not into home decoration stuff. Next time, she should drop me off at a videogame store like Game Stop or something and pick me up later. We walked up and down the aisles a hundred times. I put the flowers in and out of the vases 202 times.
Saturday Night BBQ and Bowling
We went to dinner with church people and had a great BBQ. Then, we went to a tea house and had great tea. We were supposed to go ice skating, but a lot of people flaked out at the last minute, so we went bowling instead. Tony really hustled us. We never knew that he always keeps a bowling ball in his car. He had his own bowling ball with his name on it. I think he scored over 200 points in each game. We should never have bet who was going to win. I was still in pain because of my fall off my skateboard a couple weeks ago. Bowling made the pain in my right wrist much worse. No one seemed to care though-except for my wife. I haven't improved at all since junior high when I went bowling with Arvin Kan. After all those gutter balls last Saturday, I'm never going to bowling again for as long as I live.
Sugarboy Strikes Again!
On Sunday, we taught Sunday School like we always do. As usual, Sugarboy Austin was cracking jokes again. This time, I remembered one of his funny remarks. Sarah was telling the story about how Satan tempted Jesus three times. One time Satan took Jesus up to a high mountain and dared Jesus to jump off. Satan said that surely god would send his angels to catch him so that he would not get harmed. Sarah asked the class what Jesus said in response. Austin replied, "God said you're not supposed to commit suicide." Ah ha ha ha! The correct answer was that you're not supposed to test god, but I liked Austin's answer better.
Sarah's Mom's Addicted to V-Tech Videogames
We visited Sarah's parents after church. We caught Sarah's mom playing little Mikey's V-Tech videogame system. She was obsessed with getting a perfect score on a 3-year old's gaming system. That cracks me up.
Avoiding a Scam Artist
Sarah's brother told us about a business opportunity. He said that we had to act by this Tuesday to get in on the deal. Fortunately, we discussed the details with him, before he lost all his money. I'm 100% positive that he was introduced to a scam artist. You should never make any rash decisions because of time pressures. You should always discuss and get advice from as many people as possible before making any big decisions. Times like this make me glad I went to law school. At least I learned some stuff to help me avoid making really big mistakes. I was stressing out about it hoping that he wouldn't making any mistakes. I worry a lot.
At dinner on Friday, I was eating a lot of kim (Korean seaweed wrap similar to sushi wraps, not another girl, you sickos. Koreans know what I'm talking about). Even when I was done with my bowl of rice, I kept eating kim until I finished the whole package. That's just how I am. I keep eating until there's no more food in front of me. I eat a bag of chips or cookies that way too.
Eating all that kim reminded me of when I was in first grade. Since I grew up in a Korean household, I ate Korean food primarily. One time, a white friend of mine from school came over. His name was Jacob Williams. I think he broke into my house when I was in 6th grade and stole my VCR and money that was hidden in my desk, but that's another story. Anyway, we were running around trashing my house. Afterwards, we wanted some snacks. Jacob wanted to eat something, but the only thing I could find was kim. I told him it was seaweed wrap, but he ate it anyway and liked it. He was always a fat kid. So, we just ate the package of kim like normal white kids would eat a bag of chips. It was the good kind of kim. It was nice, green, crisp, and salty.
When Life Gives You Lemons and Oranges, Make Lemon and Orange Ade
On Saturday, we went to my parents' house. Sarah bought a bunch of lemons just because they were on sale. We took the lemons to my parents' house so that we could make some lemonade with my mom's juicer. We didn't have enough lemons to make enough lemonade for all of us, so we decided to throw in some oranges in there too. We just threw in all these lemons and oranges in there whole, including the peels. We failed to put the lid on properly. The juicer started splattering lemon and orange juices and pulps all over the kitchen. It was squirting all of us. I should have stuck my tongue out and tried to drink some of it as it flew into my face.
I remembered when I was a kid, I could eat lemons like I ate oranges. But, now that I'm older, I can't handle sour things like I used to. I can't even drink Costco pomegranate juice anymore. It's so sour now. Why'd they get rid of the delicious sweet pomegranate juice they used to have?
Shopping for Flowers and Vases
Later on, we went to Moskatel's in downtown LA to buy some flowers, plants, and vases. [Note to self: Never go shopping with Sarah again when she's buying things that only appeal to women.] The first 30 minutes of choosing flowers and stuff were okay. I was having fun pretending to drink out of giant vases that looked like champagne glasses and throwing around giant fake stone balls. We even had a sword fight with bamboo sticks. Then, after the first hour, I started getting worn out. The next hour and a half bored me to tears. Sarah spent so much time trying to find the perfect items for our home. I'm not into home decoration stuff. Next time, she should drop me off at a videogame store like Game Stop or something and pick me up later. We walked up and down the aisles a hundred times. I put the flowers in and out of the vases 202 times.
Saturday Night BBQ and Bowling
We went to dinner with church people and had a great BBQ. Then, we went to a tea house and had great tea. We were supposed to go ice skating, but a lot of people flaked out at the last minute, so we went bowling instead. Tony really hustled us. We never knew that he always keeps a bowling ball in his car. He had his own bowling ball with his name on it. I think he scored over 200 points in each game. We should never have bet who was going to win. I was still in pain because of my fall off my skateboard a couple weeks ago. Bowling made the pain in my right wrist much worse. No one seemed to care though-except for my wife. I haven't improved at all since junior high when I went bowling with Arvin Kan. After all those gutter balls last Saturday, I'm never going to bowling again for as long as I live.
Sugarboy Strikes Again!
On Sunday, we taught Sunday School like we always do. As usual, Sugarboy Austin was cracking jokes again. This time, I remembered one of his funny remarks. Sarah was telling the story about how Satan tempted Jesus three times. One time Satan took Jesus up to a high mountain and dared Jesus to jump off. Satan said that surely god would send his angels to catch him so that he would not get harmed. Sarah asked the class what Jesus said in response. Austin replied, "God said you're not supposed to commit suicide." Ah ha ha ha! The correct answer was that you're not supposed to test god, but I liked Austin's answer better.
Sarah's Mom's Addicted to V-Tech Videogames
We visited Sarah's parents after church. We caught Sarah's mom playing little Mikey's V-Tech videogame system. She was obsessed with getting a perfect score on a 3-year old's gaming system. That cracks me up.
Avoiding a Scam Artist
Sarah's brother told us about a business opportunity. He said that we had to act by this Tuesday to get in on the deal. Fortunately, we discussed the details with him, before he lost all his money. I'm 100% positive that he was introduced to a scam artist. You should never make any rash decisions because of time pressures. You should always discuss and get advice from as many people as possible before making any big decisions. Times like this make me glad I went to law school. At least I learned some stuff to help me avoid making really big mistakes. I was stressing out about it hoping that he wouldn't making any mistakes. I worry a lot.
On Saturday, March 11, 2005, we had dinner at a Korean BBQ restaurant with the Berendo Street Baptist Church (BSBC) Sunday School teachers. I forgot the name of the restaurant, but it was really good. I've been eating salad every day for a couple of weeks and I was craving some good meat. Korean BBQ is the best. If you haven't had some, you've been missing out. I pigged out again as usual, but I paid for it later that night. Oh. . .my bowels.
Troy
This is a great epic spectacle of Homer's legendary Iliad. Although the movie displayed its own version of the Iliad, it was still a magnificent movie to watch. I thought Brad Pitt did a good job of acting as Achilles.
Even though there were thousands of real extras hired to be Trojan and Spartan warriors, there was heavy use of CGI to recreate legendary battles of tens of thousands of killers. You can tell some of the battle scenes looked fake, but it was still visually stunning nonetheless. The movie featured lush scenery also.
The problem with the movie, however, was that it felt emotionally sterile. The story just felt like a visual retelling of Greek mythology rather than a stirring movie about love and war. The movie takes out all the parts about the gods fighting in the war to make the movie more realistic. Otherwise, it could have become another Clash of the Titans.
The Story: The love story of Paris of Troy and Helen of Sparta seemed like another famous forbidden love story, Romeo and Juliet. Paris (played by Orlando Bloom, not Paris Hilton) falls in love with the King of Sparta's gorgeous trophy wife, Helen. They both sail away to Sparta. Paris' big brother, Hector, gets mad at him, but protects his kid brother and his crush. The Greeks wage war upon Troy for this treachory and bring along the legendary warrior, Achilles, to fight for them. Achilles leads the Greeks to a successful first day's battle. Later on, he falls in love with an acolyte of Apollo. He uses his charm as Brad Pitt and beds the virgin temple girl.
The avaricious King of Sparta, Menelaus, challenges Paris to a duel for stealing and humping his wife. Menelaus starts spanking the pretty boy's ass. Paris runs to his big bro for help. Since Paris ran away instead of fighting to death, the Greeks decide to wage full on war against Troy. During another battle, Hector kills Achilles' little cousin. Achilles gets pissed off and challenges Hector to a duel. Achilles kicks Hector's ass. After the Greeks allow fourteen days of mourning for Troy's fallen hero, Hector, Odysseus (from Homer's other famous story, The Odyssey) comes up with a cunning plan to take over Troy with the infamous Trojan Horse. The Greeks sneak into Troy with the giant wooden gift and slaughter all the Trojans. Achilles tries to save his recently deflowered temple girl from the clutches of the evil King of Greece, Agamemnon.
Orland Bloom spots Achilles and somehow, through a magical turn of events, suddenly turns from a wimp into the legendary Elven fighter, Legolas from the Lord of the Rings and shoots an arrow into Achilles' heel. Paris/Legolas shoots some more arrows at him and Achilles kicks the bucket. Achilles will be remembered forever. The End.
Although the acting was good, the actors seemed to be just like characters from an ancient Greek legend instead of appearing to be real people. The characters were complex, but it was hard to develop any strong emotions for any of them. The movie felt lacked any soul. Even though many tears were shed, I felt nothing.
The Highs: Visually spectacular; the movie keeps Achilles immortal by keeping his story alive; a good retelling of Homer's Iliad; Legolas from LOTR is back!
The Lows: Emotionally sterile.
The Verdict: Brad Pitt's Achilles' Heel is women.
My rating: B, 84.
Even though there were thousands of real extras hired to be Trojan and Spartan warriors, there was heavy use of CGI to recreate legendary battles of tens of thousands of killers. You can tell some of the battle scenes looked fake, but it was still visually stunning nonetheless. The movie featured lush scenery also.
The problem with the movie, however, was that it felt emotionally sterile. The story just felt like a visual retelling of Greek mythology rather than a stirring movie about love and war. The movie takes out all the parts about the gods fighting in the war to make the movie more realistic. Otherwise, it could have become another Clash of the Titans.
The Story: The love story of Paris of Troy and Helen of Sparta seemed like another famous forbidden love story, Romeo and Juliet. Paris (played by Orlando Bloom, not Paris Hilton) falls in love with the King of Sparta's gorgeous trophy wife, Helen. They both sail away to Sparta. Paris' big brother, Hector, gets mad at him, but protects his kid brother and his crush. The Greeks wage war upon Troy for this treachory and bring along the legendary warrior, Achilles, to fight for them. Achilles leads the Greeks to a successful first day's battle. Later on, he falls in love with an acolyte of Apollo. He uses his charm as Brad Pitt and beds the virgin temple girl.
The avaricious King of Sparta, Menelaus, challenges Paris to a duel for stealing and humping his wife. Menelaus starts spanking the pretty boy's ass. Paris runs to his big bro for help. Since Paris ran away instead of fighting to death, the Greeks decide to wage full on war against Troy. During another battle, Hector kills Achilles' little cousin. Achilles gets pissed off and challenges Hector to a duel. Achilles kicks Hector's ass. After the Greeks allow fourteen days of mourning for Troy's fallen hero, Hector, Odysseus (from Homer's other famous story, The Odyssey) comes up with a cunning plan to take over Troy with the infamous Trojan Horse. The Greeks sneak into Troy with the giant wooden gift and slaughter all the Trojans. Achilles tries to save his recently deflowered temple girl from the clutches of the evil King of Greece, Agamemnon.
Orland Bloom spots Achilles and somehow, through a magical turn of events, suddenly turns from a wimp into the legendary Elven fighter, Legolas from the Lord of the Rings and shoots an arrow into Achilles' heel. Paris/Legolas shoots some more arrows at him and Achilles kicks the bucket. Achilles will be remembered forever. The End.
Although the acting was good, the actors seemed to be just like characters from an ancient Greek legend instead of appearing to be real people. The characters were complex, but it was hard to develop any strong emotions for any of them. The movie felt lacked any soul. Even though many tears were shed, I felt nothing.
The Highs: Visually spectacular; the movie keeps Achilles immortal by keeping his story alive; a good retelling of Homer's Iliad; Legolas from LOTR is back!
The Lows: Emotionally sterile.
The Verdict: Brad Pitt's Achilles' Heel is women.
My rating: B, 84.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)