Watch out for guys at parties. This reminds me of a scene in Dead Poet's Society when that kid saw the girl he liked passed out at a party. It also reminds me of a scene in the movie Kids when that guy sees the girl passed out on the couch.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Monday, March 12, 2007
Biking through Chinatown. When Andy and I went to Griffith Park, I reached my personal best record speed on this bike at 43.6 mph. I beat my last record of 42 mph. My all time personal best record is still at 48 mph. I reached that speed going downhill on Gennessee in San Diego on my way to La Jolla. It was a long straight downhill where I could reach that speed. My bike kinda started getting unstable though going that fast. It was kinda scary. This was on my mountain bike too, the Parkpre (Park Precision) Sledgehammer.
Cesar Chavez and Spring. I was going straight east on Cesar Chavez when that bus made a left turn on to Cesar Chavez on a red light. Then, it kept moving towards the right to pick up passengers and stopped on the corner of Cesar Chavez and Spring. That stupid bus driver made me hit that yellow road sign. Damn him!
This is the road sign that I hit with my bike. As mentioned in my prior post entitled "Stupid Bus Drivers!", a stupid bus driver made a left turn at a red light right in front of me. It then stopped to pick up bus riders right at the corner. I had a green light going east on Cesar Chavez. If I had kept going straight, I would have been squashed by that dumb bus.
I was going about 30 mph downhill and braked hard, but still kept skidding right into that road sign. Now, it's bent. I wonder if I should sue the Metro Bus line for negligence. Fortunately, I am okay, but I could have been killed!
A Cock Story
A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the 10 chickens
and 1 handsome cock rooster he kept in a hen house behind the rectory.
One Saturday night, the priest discovered that the cock rooster was
missing. At the same time the priest heard rumors of cockfights
being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say
something during Sunday Mass.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Who among you will
confess to sporting a handsome cock?"
All the men stood up.
No, No", he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you
will confess to having seen a handsome cock?"
All the women stood up.
"Oh no!" he said. "That's not what I mean, either. Who among
you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?"
Half the women stood up.
"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question:
Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the choirboys stood up.........................
and 1 handsome cock rooster he kept in a hen house behind the rectory.
One Saturday night, the priest discovered that the cock rooster was
missing. At the same time the priest heard rumors of cockfights
being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say
something during Sunday Mass.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Who among you will
confess to sporting a handsome cock?"
All the men stood up.
No, No", he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you
will confess to having seen a handsome cock?"
All the women stood up.
"Oh no!" he said. "That's not what I mean, either. Who among
you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?"
Half the women stood up.
"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question:
Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the choirboys stood up.........................
Thursday, March 08, 2007
The Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Andy was topping the bill. People came to the senior center from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Andy went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Andy withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces!!!!
SHIT!" exclaimed the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.
The excitement was almost electric as Andy withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces!!!!
SHIT!" exclaimed the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.
Divorce Joke of the Day
Thanks to Kelly Chang, Esq., Family Law Attorney, for this joke submission.
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for
$5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home .
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here ,and three
days later, he rose from the dead."
He continued: "I just can't take that chance...
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for
$5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home .
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here ,and three
days later, he rose from the dead."
He continued: "I just can't take that chance...
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
100 Things You Know You are Asian
Here's a list of 100 Things that let you know you're Asian. Some are gross stereotypes. Other things are actually true.
You know you're Asian if...
1. Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm
2. Your dad is some sort of engineer
3. Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15
4. You ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing
5. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry
6. You shop 99 ranch
7. Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from
8. You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life
9. Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids
10. You've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest, or library
11. Your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage"
12. You drive mostly Japanese cars.
13. You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom
14. You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs
15. At least once, you've started a joke with "Confucius say...."
16. You know what bok choy is
17. You've gotten little red envelopes around February
18. Piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back, and closet doors
19. You hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls you (e.g. Jean - ee - yah! or Mary - yah!)
20. You have no eyelashes
21. Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc..
22. Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin
23. The Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii) was last night's dinner
24. Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher
25. At least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses
26. Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "In Korea (or other native country), we studied even more."
27. Your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian
28. An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother?" Well then, "Is it your sister?"
29. Your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both
30. Your parents say, "Calculus? I took Calculus in 8th grade!"
31. Everyone thinks you're good at math
32. Your parents' vocabulary is filled with "ai-yahs, and Wah's"
33. You like $1.75 movies
34. You like $1.50 movies even more
35. Your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks, and English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange, and the ever popular lime green
36. Your parents insist you marry within your race
37. You never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation of oriental food
38. You either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay away from it
39. Your parents have never kissed you
40. Your parents have never kissed each other
41. You learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents
42. "You want a stereo?! When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!"
43. People see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate
44. You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle"
45. You have 12+ aunts and uncles
46. At expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage and NEVER order dessert
47. Your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say "Eat anyway. It's still good."
48. The vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick glasses.
49. You will most likely be taller than your parents
50. Your parents have either make you play the piano, the violin, or both
51. You get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don't
52. When going to other people's houses, you always have to bring a gift
53. Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top
54. Your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both
55. Your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e. Michael Chan)
56. The furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations, or any of the rest of the furniture
57. You have rocks, sticks, leaves, and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine
58. You own a rice cooker or two
59. You buy soy sauce by the gallon
60. Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head
61. Your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going
62. Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come.
63.piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet doors.
64.your relative's houses smells like incense, mothballs or both.
65.your parents have never heard of Tulane, Duke or University of Minnesota.
66.you bring home all A's and one B and your folks yell, "Why did you get a B?
67.people always ask if you know this other Asian acquaintence of theirs, i.e. "My dentist is Dr. Dennis Choi, do you know him?"
68.your parents' leisure wear always look like golf clothes.
69.your main source of income is New Year's.
70.failing a class means finding a new place to live.
71.your parents yell your Asian name REAL LOUD in public places. ...ramen is the fifth food group.
72.you have to translate for your parents when ordering fast food.
73.there's a good chance you'll marry someone with the same last name.
74.you're on a first-name basis at the Hello Kitty store.
75.if you're not smiling, people always think that you are mad.
76.Today's steamed rice is tomorrow's fried rice.
77.You're afraid of black people.
78.You eat at restaurants that have "Pho" on their signboards.
79.1. You want to be a dancer, a singer, or an actor, even though you
have a job as a nurse, doctor, lawyer or an accountant.
80.you eat spaghetti with chop sticks
81.all your relatives live with you
82.you have a classmate with the same last name people would assume you were related
83.your math is twice your verbal on the SAT
84.you actually spend your time reading the you know if you're asian jokes
85.Your grandparents store up lots of empty plastic containers and jars in your pantry for future left-over use
86.The sissors in your house are used for sewing, cutting fat off chicken, cutting your toenails, and gardening
87.dinner is finished, the table is cluttered with many many piles of fishbones or chicken bones
88.you need a plastic bag and can only find ones that say 99 Ranch market or HK Market
89.you wear pants that either are size 40 when you are only size 30, or your pants hug your crotch
90.You have 3 or more locks on your front door
91.Your hair is jelled up in spikes hard enough to imaple a small mammal
92.You're reading this page and seeing your life in it
93.in winter your house is alway freezing cool cause your parents want to save money.(same goes for winter)
94.You get a new job or its the start of a new semester and your parents ask if there are any other Asians that work there or are in any of your classes
95.in a club, you go in lil corners with your friends and dance with yourselves just so when you come home you get to tell everyone that you danced
96.you are wearing DKNY while you mother is walking around in worn out shirts
97.You watch those Ancient Asian Tapes with your GrandParents
98.You still remember wearing shirts w/the little alligators on them
99.You have a statue or a Asian God somewhere sitting in your house
100. If you drive a car and inside you have a Oriental stringy ornament
You know you're Asian if...
1. Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm
2. Your dad is some sort of engineer
3. Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15
4. You ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing
5. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry
6. You shop 99 ranch
7. Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from
8. You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life
9. Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids
10. You've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest, or library
11. Your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage"
12. You drive mostly Japanese cars.
13. You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom
14. You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs
15. At least once, you've started a joke with "Confucius say...."
16. You know what bok choy is
17. You've gotten little red envelopes around February
18. Piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back, and closet doors
19. You hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls you (e.g. Jean - ee - yah! or Mary - yah!)
20. You have no eyelashes
21. Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc..
22. Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin
23. The Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii) was last night's dinner
24. Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher
25. At least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses
26. Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "In Korea (or other native country), we studied even more."
27. Your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian
28. An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother?" Well then, "Is it your sister?"
29. Your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both
30. Your parents say, "Calculus? I took Calculus in 8th grade!"
31. Everyone thinks you're good at math
32. Your parents' vocabulary is filled with "ai-yahs, and Wah's"
33. You like $1.75 movies
34. You like $1.50 movies even more
35. Your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks, and English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange, and the ever popular lime green
36. Your parents insist you marry within your race
37. You never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation of oriental food
38. You either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay away from it
39. Your parents have never kissed you
40. Your parents have never kissed each other
41. You learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents
42. "You want a stereo?! When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!"
43. People see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate
44. You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle"
45. You have 12+ aunts and uncles
46. At expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage and NEVER order dessert
47. Your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say "Eat anyway. It's still good."
48. The vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick glasses.
49. You will most likely be taller than your parents
50. Your parents have either make you play the piano, the violin, or both
51. You get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don't
52. When going to other people's houses, you always have to bring a gift
53. Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top
54. Your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both
55. Your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e. Michael Chan)
56. The furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations, or any of the rest of the furniture
57. You have rocks, sticks, leaves, and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine
58. You own a rice cooker or two
59. You buy soy sauce by the gallon
60. Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head
61. Your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going
62. Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come.
63.piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet doors.
64.your relative's houses smells like incense, mothballs or both.
65.your parents have never heard of Tulane, Duke or University of Minnesota.
66.you bring home all A's and one B and your folks yell, "Why did you get a B?
67.people always ask if you know this other Asian acquaintence of theirs, i.e. "My dentist is Dr. Dennis Choi, do you know him?"
68.your parents' leisure wear always look like golf clothes.
69.your main source of income is New Year's.
70.failing a class means finding a new place to live.
71.your parents yell your Asian name REAL LOUD in public places. ...ramen is the fifth food group.
72.you have to translate for your parents when ordering fast food.
73.there's a good chance you'll marry someone with the same last name.
74.you're on a first-name basis at the Hello Kitty store.
75.if you're not smiling, people always think that you are mad.
76.Today's steamed rice is tomorrow's fried rice.
77.You're afraid of black people.
78.You eat at restaurants that have "Pho" on their signboards.
79.1. You want to be a dancer, a singer, or an actor, even though you
have a job as a nurse, doctor, lawyer or an accountant.
80.you eat spaghetti with chop sticks
81.all your relatives live with you
82.you have a classmate with the same last name people would assume you were related
83.your math is twice your verbal on the SAT
84.you actually spend your time reading the you know if you're asian jokes
85.Your grandparents store up lots of empty plastic containers and jars in your pantry for future left-over use
86.The sissors in your house are used for sewing, cutting fat off chicken, cutting your toenails, and gardening
87.dinner is finished, the table is cluttered with many many piles of fishbones or chicken bones
88.you need a plastic bag and can only find ones that say 99 Ranch market or HK Market
89.you wear pants that either are size 40 when you are only size 30, or your pants hug your crotch
90.You have 3 or more locks on your front door
91.Your hair is jelled up in spikes hard enough to imaple a small mammal
92.You're reading this page and seeing your life in it
93.in winter your house is alway freezing cool cause your parents want to save money.(same goes for winter)
94.You get a new job or its the start of a new semester and your parents ask if there are any other Asians that work there or are in any of your classes
95.in a club, you go in lil corners with your friends and dance with yourselves just so when you come home you get to tell everyone that you danced
96.you are wearing DKNY while you mother is walking around in worn out shirts
97.You watch those Ancient Asian Tapes with your GrandParents
98.You still remember wearing shirts w/the little alligators on them
99.You have a statue or a Asian God somewhere sitting in your house
100. If you drive a car and inside you have a Oriental stringy ornament
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