Yet another Lawyer Joke

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,that's the law.>License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slowdown and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Submitted by K.C.

Resume Bloopers

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me


Submitted by A.M.

Yet another joke

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom see's her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dress's quickly and goes to find him. The son see's his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.""You're wasting your time." says the boy. "Why is that?" asked him mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Subject: New disease

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks"
I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
:)

Joke submitted by K.C.

Phil=Freepcreep

Below is part of my email thread with Phil, or shall I say "Freepcreep". I finally found out who Freepcreep, my online stalker, was because of his little mistake, however strange it may be. That's cool. Phil always had a weird sense of humor. He's still a good friend. Thanks again for the bike jersey, Phil. Let's go biking sometime.



Very strange... Oh, now I get it. There is some dude in my apartment complex whodoes a lot of biking. He's the one who sent it to you. He says the jersey isbrand new and never been worn.Phil

-----Original Message-----From: David Kim <davidmkim@hotmail.com>Sent: Jan 6, 2005 9:21 AMTo: @#$@travelin.com (email censored)
Subject: Re: Thanks for the bike jersey

Dear Phil,

The address on freepcreep's envelope which had the bike jersey matched the address on the envelope of the Christmas card you sent me. Oh yeah, thanks for the Christmas card too. It was a nice one.Take care,David

Sarah Passes her Board Exams

Congratulations to Sarah for passing her pharmacy board exams. She passed the NAPLEX and CPJE. Now, she is a full fledged pharmacist. I'm pretty stoked.

South Korean man dies after 50 hours of videogames

This is a total tragedy. Don't worry it's not about me. Even I don't play for that long straight. Maybe I would do it for one whole day. This guy actually quit his job to devote his time to playing games. Now, that's dedication.

Click on the title of this post to read the news article.

Another Joke

A woman walks into a hillbilly bar. She eats some food, but gets something caught in her throat. She starts panicking and turns blue. One hillbilly asks her if she is okay and she shakes her head "no". The hillbilly then pulls down her skirt and panties and starts licking her butt. The woman was so startled she coughs up the food that was caught in her throat and starts to breathe again. The hillbilly walks back to the bar. Another hillbilly says, "Wow! I've heard of it being done, but I've never actually seen anyone do the hindlick maneuver before."

The Chevy SSR. I guess this hotrod truck would be more practical than a Miata, but you can't really carry that much or tow much. I have more pictures on my Yahoo Photo Album. Let me know if you want to see more. I'll give you the link. You can also find the link to my Photo Album through my past blogs. 

This Vette seems to be a good fit for me. If only the freeways were like the autobahn... 

The 400 hundred horse power Cadillac CTS-V. Now, this ain't your daddy's Cadillac.  

So many different colors to choose from. I don't think that I should get a Vette though, because I'm sure I'll probably be sent to jail. You know that I always have to test out the maximum speed on the roads. I'll probably just get a minivan for my next car to drive around my future mini-me's and mini-Sarah's. The thought of having kids scares me though, because I'm so tired from working right now. I can't imagine how much more tired I'll be once we have kids. 

Here's a Saturn spyder they're planning on launching soon. This is a good image car for Saturn, because Saturn doesn't have any hot cars yet. 

Sarah also drove some hot cars. Unfortunately, she failed to seize upon the opportunity to drive like a maniac. She just drove the speed limit instead. Boring. 

I wish I had pictures and videos to show you guys of my crazy awesome driving skills. You all know I'm the best driver, right? 

Here are some pictures from GM's Auto Show In Motion. Sarah and I got to drive a bunch of different cars, but we didn't take pictures of the cars that we drove. It was like a race course there so we felt too pressured to get in and drive. Plus, it was too dangerous too take pictures on the course. People were driving way too fast there. I got to drive the Corvette, Cadillac CTS-V, Chevy SSR, and the Pontiac GTO. Those cars all had 400 horses. I also enjoyed driving the Hummer H2 on the offroad course. I also liked the BMW 530i, Audi A4, and the Hydrogen Fuel Cell Electric Car. I plan on going there again real soon. 

Here's Sarah and I riding this 2005 Z06 Corvette. We went to GM's Autoshow in Motion on Sunday, July 31, 2005. I got to drive this 400 horsepower monster and smoked the tires. It was awesome. We got to drive a bunch of other cars too. We had a blast.  

You're wonderful!

If you are in need of some good affirmation, click on the title of this post. It's an easy way to get some instant support. Put your real name where requested and you'll feel better.

Some churchy jokes

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to hermother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is thecolor of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." Thechildthought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearingblack?"

---------------------------------------------------A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as shecould, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let mebelate!"While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushedherselfoff, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray,"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove meeither!"


-------------------------------------------------A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on andon. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if wegive him the money now, will he let us go?"

-----------------------------------------------An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requestedno male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorialservice she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don'twantthem to take me out when I'm dead.

----------------------------------------------A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if youhad to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

---------------------------------------------A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissedthem to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"Anniereplied, "Because people are sleeping."

----------------------------------------------Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesuswith them to Jerusalem. A small child replied "They couldn't get a babysitter."

------------------------------------------------A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with herfive and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thyfather and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teachesushowto treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one littleboyanswered, "Thou shall not kill."

-----------------------------------------------At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when theytold himhow Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week hismothernoticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what isthe matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I thinkI'mgoing to have a wife."

------------------------------------------------Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing strongpreachingon the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all thisSatanstuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turnedout.It's probably just your dad."

------------------------------------------------"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitresswalked into the bar. "It was awful," she explained. "I was walking downElmstreet and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his carandhewas lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull wasfractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took thatfirst-aid course." "What did you do?" asked the bartender. "I sat downandput myhead between my knees to keep from fainting.

B.A.S.E. jumping

Click on the title of this post to see an awesome B.A.S.E. jumping video. I want to try this so bad. All I need to do is make a parachute or steal Mary Poppins' umbrella.