Ultraviolet

Combine the worst parts from all the latest kick-ass heroine-type movies and you get this piece of crap for a film. AtrociousViolet or should I say Uh-trociousviolet?

It starts off with an interesting premise. In a dystopian future, some people who are infected with a disease of the blood that turns people into "hemophages", that is, vampires, suffer persecution (immediate termination) from a fascist government. However, the movie suffers from exceedingly bad execution. The action is totally unrealistic. The fight scenes look like they're merely practicing their choreography instead of actually fighting. There is way too much fake looking CGI. What's up with the constant inexplicable changes in colors to her hair and outfits? There was no explanation for how or why colors just suddenly change.

There's a lot of action in the movie, but unfortunately, none of it is good.

This movie totally plagarizes from other femme fatale movies and mixes them all together. There is nothing original about the movie.

In example of some of the profound dialogue in the movie goes something like:

Hemophage vampire 1: How can you hope to defeat us? We're as strong as you...

Homophage vamp 2: . . .we're as fast as you. . .

Violet Song jat Shariff: ...but are you one-tenth as *pissed off* as I am?


Evil Daxus: I've got 700 men? What do you think you can do?

Violet: I can kill them.

All the lines in the movie sounded really corny.

They even seemed to have copied Star Wars' type weapons. In the movie, there are swords that extend out like lightsabers. They're metal swords but they appear from nowhere at the flick of the wrist. Apparently, they're some sort of hi-tech stuff that have programs that can be stored within human bodies. Violet keeps all sorts of weapons and modules in her body. She just pushes them into her leg and they're just stored inside her. Evidently, hemophages are like computer hardware where you can just insert add-ons into them.

In Violet's (Milla Jovovich) first mission, she has to obtain a briefcase. She's supposed to not let the bad guys get their hands on it. She can't compromise herself by looking at what's inside either. Curiosity gets the best of her and she opens it. There's a boy inside. What awesome technology! The sooner we discover magic the better I say.

At first, they think that the boy is the cure for the hemophages with all of his antigens. Then, they think he is a weapon to destroy the homophages. At the final battle with the sinister Draxus, she finds out that he is really a weapon to destroy humans because of over-population.

Draxus the bad guy looks like such a dork with his noseplugs.

In the last battle with Draxus, Violet finds out that Draxus is really a vampire too. He can see in complete darkness, but Violet (UV) can't see in the dark. Somehow, she sets her magically appearing sword and lights it on fire. They have a flaming sword fight in the dark and she chops him up into flaming BBQ pieces.

What's up with vampires that walk in sunlight but that can't see in the dark? I know Dracula. And you sir are no Dracula.

UV became a vampire because she was infected with the blood disease awhile ago and she turned into a hemophage. The government then killed her fetus while she was still pregnant. She becomes so pissed off that nothing can stop her on her quest for revenge.

Hemophages are vampires with superhuman powers, but they're also sick at the same time. What's so bad about having a disease where you're more powerful than regular humans? I think I can tolerate the occassional projectile vomiting if I could wipe out an entire army of men with my vampire skills and not get injured.

UV starts taking care of the little boy called 6U or just plain Six, for short. I guess her maternal instincts take over and she wants to protect him and be a surrogate mother. Draxus wants to get him back because he wants to use 6's blood to destroy humankind. Apparently, their technology was so good that people were living too long. He did his job too well and now he wants to make amends. But, he has even further sinister plans in mind. After he spreads the deadly disease across the world, whoever wants the antigens will have to come crawling to him in order to get the cure.

There are several cross symbols and resurrection themes. UV's tears somehow resurrect the boy when everyone thought he croaked. His skin looked like it was dissolving away to me.

UV also dies sometime in the middle of the movie, but gets resurrected by a vampire doctor. She doesn't want to live because she lost all hope. But, Dr. Vamp believes that she is the only one to save the world.

When she infiltrates Draxus' fortress, the computer with the female voice that checks her for weapons as she walks in says, "Weapons found . . .many." What kind of computer says that? It can't even count.

This movie can only be liked by the most immature of sci-fi fans.

This movie seemed to have ripped off a lot of other movies.

It stole Catwoman the movie's suckiness. It's very similar to Aeon Flux. She stole Jennifer Garner's looks from the Alias. She stole Electra's kick-ass abilities. The movie stole Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow's looks, but the unrealistic CGI really made the movie look crappy. They stole Star War's extending swords. It also borrows from the Matrix's themes and fighting styles. It's based on the Ultraviolet comic book series. The revenge theme and kill tons of bad guys theme is also reminescent of Kill Bill. It also got its themes from Underworld with Kate Beckinsale as the werewolf slaying vampiress.

Milla Jovovich likes to star in movies where she gets to show off her athletic prowess and bare midriff in minimalist costumes like in Resident Evil and The Fifth Element. I liked The Fifth Element a lot better than this turd.

The Highs: Milla Jovovich looks nice.

The Lows: The script is absolutely terrible. So is the acting, CGI, direction, writing, dialogue, and action.

The Verdict: What do you get when you put all the action movie heroines in a blender and mix them all up?

My rating: F, 33.

The Simpsons are hoping that I give their upcoming movie next year an A rating. We'll see. 

Scary Movie 4: Crazy Tom on Oprah again 

Scary Movie 4: Speaking Japanese with Catboy from The Grudge 

Scary Movie 4

If you like jokes, this movie keeps throwing them at you nonstop! Of course, some high brow critics may scorn it as being lewd and low class, but you can't help but laugh.

Just like in 3, this movie lampoons several contemporary movies and pop culture icons. I think it's a good sign when Hollywood can still keep its sense of humor. They need to be able to laugh at themselves and not take themselves too seriously.

As you guys may know, all my reviews contain spoilers.

In the introductory scene, Shaq and Dr. Phil are trapped in the nasty bathroom from Saw and Saw II. Jigsaw says that they are there because they like to play games with people. Now, Shaq has to shoot free throws to save their lives, but he kept missing. Dr. Phil starts throwing a tantrum, because Shaq kept missing them. Dr. Phil begins crying in frustration and later reveals that he's not even a real psychologist, but he's actually an electrician. Dr. Phil then starts cutting off his foot to escape, but after he finishes sawing it off, he finds out it's the wrong foot. I like the fact that these celebrities can make fun of themselves. It's admirable that people can laugh at their own self-depracating humor instead of getting angry with people who criticize them.

The movie also heavily spoofs on the plots of The War of the Worlds, The Grudge, and The Village.

In the Grudge parody, Charlie Sheen plays the professor who commits suicide. He gets out of bed one morning, and there are triplets who get out of bed with him. He tries to kill himself by swallowing a bottle of pills, but it turns out to be a bottle of Viagra. His dick becomes enormous. A cat sinks its claws into his giant shaft and he tries to shake the cat off. Then, he jumps off the building, but his penis still remains firm after it broke the ground below.

There was also a Brokeback Mountain joke, with two black gay cowboys.

This movie was a gagfest galore.

They did a good job with the set designs. The environments in the movie looked exactly like the original movies they tried to spoof.

In the Million Dollar Baby parody, Anna Faris plays a boxer who goes up against a Mike Tyson lookalike. When she starts falling to the mat, everybody starts falling and breaking their necks too in slow motion.

They also made fun of Tyson's ear-biting fiasco as he chewed off everyone's ears and then threw them into a big pile of ears.

In the War of the Worlds scene, giant Apple iPods (a spoof of the alien tripods) started destroying the planet.

The movie's main theme was about aliens vs. ghosts again like in 3.

In The Grudge sequence, Anna Faris talks with Catboy in Japanese. Well, not really. All they do is start naming Japanese electronics, automobile makes, and sushi. "Mitsubishi, Honda, Toyota, Fujitsu, sashimi, hibatchi." The English translations of what they're talking about are in the subtitles. It's typical crude humor you might hear among white-trash rednecks when talking about orientals.

The Scary Movie series aren't about being politically correct. They poke fun at everything, but they do it with such light-heartedness, even those they offend will probably laugh it off.

The comedy is similar to the satire in The Simpsons and Mad Magazine. It's easy to criticize this type of film, but there's a ton of wit in here that many critics fail to appreciate. This will never win an Oscar, but if you want to laugh and if you love movies, then, this will definitely tickle your funny bone.

They did a good job of tying in all the plots from their source material to come up with a creative ending.

The Highs: Tons of great parodies. Funny for those who have a great sense of humor. Fast paced. A lot of effort went in to recreating the scenes of the movies they're making fun of. The slapstick comedy is well timed.

The Lows: Lots of low-brow adolescent toilet humor. Hit and miss jokes. Seeing Leslie Neilson's naked wrinkled ass.

The Verdict: May the Farce be with You.

My rating: B, 84.

The happy newlyweds, Albert and Jessica Siu. 

Mr. and Mrs. Albert Siu, Esq. Mrs. Albert Siu was formerly known as Jessica Zhang. 

On Sunday, May 21, 2006, Sarah and I went to Albert Siu, Esq.'s wedding. It was at the Hilton Hotel in Universal City. It was a lovely outdoor wedding. It drizzled slightly, but fortunately, it didn't rain. At the reception, we were served a 9-course traditional Shanghai-style Chinese dinner. We ate for about 2 hours. It was good, 'cuz I'm just used to eating Orange Chicken at Panda Express. They interspersed different wedding activities like the toasts, flower and garter toss, and a win the centerpiece game, in between the courses. This was a good way to get people to stay throughout the whole evening. We should have done that at our wedding, because a lot of people just took off after eating and didn't stay for our other activities like the dance we had planned. 

Bike to Work Day

This week, May 15-May 19, 2006 is Bike to Work Week in Los Angeles and in many other cities in California.

Today is officially Bike to Work Day, and I proudly participated in it. I have been biking to work for awhile now.

When I arrived at one of the pit stops in LA, the YMCA in Downtown, at 7:00 AM, I was the first one there. I didn't see anyone else there except for one lady who was setting up the registration tables. I thought to myself, "Man, am I the only one biking to work today?"

I'm not sure how many people know about this event. I don't think it was well publicized. I don't think anyone besides people who already bike or take alternative means of transportation knew about it. I don't think anyone who doesn't already bike to work participated in it. There were no new people who started cycling on Bike to Work Day. I think this is an important event to get people to start biking, but nobody really started biking because of this event. This is sad.

I'm sure there were other people who came in after me and there must have been other people at the other pit stops, but I just don't think there were any big numbers and hardly any new bike commuters. During my 10 mile ride to work, I didn't see any cyclists at all.

At the pit stop, I got a bag full of goodies like a bike patch kit, cliff bars, gum, water bottles, a bike map of L.A., and other stuff. Before today, I was totally excited by this event, but I was kinda bummed out that no one else was there. They said I could use the YMCA showers for free today. I thought it was going to be great. This particular Y looked pretty modern and clean. I thought I would have my own shower stall, but they were public showers. No stalls! Yuck! I saw all these old guys walking around naked with their tiny little weiners hanging out. I was not going to take a shower naked in front of all these strangers. So, I just washed my face, neck, and arms at the sink. I am just not comfortable with public nudity. I need to have a lot of alcohol in my body in order to do that.

When will people actually start bicycling to work? What will it take? Gas prices to go up as high as Europe's? Gas prices in Europe average $9 per gallon now. There are tons of cyclists there. Look at China, billions of people bike there.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining about our freedom to drive anywhere we want in America due to relatively low gas prices. I love driving and am obsessed with cars. I drive a lot. I put 50,000 miles a year on my last Mustang driving to work at my old law firm.

What I'm saying is that people who can bike to work should bike to work. I know that old song "Nobody Walks in L.A." by the 80's band Missing Persons is true. People in L.A. drive their cars a couple blocks to get lunch instead of walking.

People still seem to have that mentality that only a nobody walks in L.A.

I think biking is fantastic! I live only about ten miles from work which takes me about 35-40 minutes. That's the same time it would take me driving to work during rush hour. Sometimes, it takes longer driving home! I'd rather be using pedal power and get great exercise than be stuck in traffic getting stressed out and elevating my blood pressure.

The benefits of biking are:

1. Great exercise
2. Fun
3. Fulfills my need for speed without getting speeding tickets
4. Saves money on gas
5. Saves wear and tear on car
6. Get a nice tan
7. Feel better about yourself
8. Helps save the environment
9. Saves on parking fees
10. Helps reduce traffic
11. No traffic for cyclists
12. You can speed by cars stuck in heavy traffic on congested streets and feel great as you pass them
13. Save money on gym memberships
14. Improves your sense of balance and coordination
15. Feel tougher
16. You can site-see more and notice interesting things and places around your neighborhood
17. Appreciate nature more
18. Feel happier
19. Sweating is sexy
20. May increase virility due to increased blood flow in key areas
21. Become more physically attractive to the opposite sex as you become more fit and athletic
22. Gain more energy throughout the day
23. You become nicer to other people because you feel better
24. Since you're nicer to other people, other people become nicer too
25. The world then becomes a better place for all of us to live in

If you participated in Bike to Work Day, let me know. Or let me know whether you like to bike. Or if you have anything you would like to comment on, please feel free to leave a comment. I really appreciate getting those.

Scary Movie 3

This movie is all about ridiculous slap stick satire of other contemporary movies and pop culture. It's not bad if you like parodies, and I happen to like them. It's not an intellectual movie at all, unless you think satire is a witty form of humor, which I do. It's crass and filled with adolescent potty jokes, but dirty jokes are the funniest jokes, right? This movie is all about stupid silly fun. It appeals to the lowest common denominator. Since I'm not pretentious as other movie critics, it suits me just fine.

The movie starts off with Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy having a slumber party. Pamela Anderson's giant fake silicone-laden boobs protrude profusely throughout the introductory scene. At least, she has a good enough sense of humor to make fun of herself. When Pamela asks Jenny if she's watched a weird videotape, Jenny McCarthy inquires whether she's talking about the videotape of a guy with a big johnson and a girl on a boat doing it together. Pamela says no, not that one. She tells her about a videotape with disturbing images and after you watch it, seven days later, the phone rings and you get killed.

The Ring and Ring 2 are one of the main movies spoofed in this film.

If you watch a lot of movies and like parodies, then this movie is funny. It's stupidly funny, but nevertheless it entertains. It's better than recent Saturday Night Live skits by far. SNL stopped being funny a long time ago. Those skits drag on and on.

If you don't watch a lot of movies, then you won't get a lot of the jokes, so you'll hate it.

Some of the other movies that are heavily lampooned are Signs, 8 Mile, Sixth Sense, and Matrix Reloaded.

There's a lot of physical comedy violence against the little boy in the movie. He constantly gets hit by a car, gets beat up accidentally with wooden sticks, and gets hit by a ceiling fan. The split second before he gets hit with the ceiling fan as he is being lifted up by Simon Rex playing George was the freakiest. I thought his head was going to be decapitated.

As another farce about the recent ongoing Catholic priest molestations, a Catholic priest shows up as a babysitter who is very happy to see the little boy. The priest brings in candles and wine, insinuating a molestation moment.


8 Mile

George (Simon Rex) spoofs Eminem in 8 Mile.

Simon Rex: I have a dream.
Charlie Sheen: What's your dream?
Simon Rex: To have a dream.

Then, he enters a rap battle with Fat Joe.

Simon's Rap: Now everybody in the 202, throw your hands in the air 'cause Fat Joe is through / Now everybody in the 202, throw 'em up! Check it out / I'm a white boy, but my neck is red / I put Miracle Whip on my Wonder Bread / My face is pale, nah, I've never been in jail / Me and Buffy spend every winter at Vail / How many bitches have I slapped? Zero. Unh! / And Martha Stewart happens to be my hero / I grew up on a farm and I was born with no rhythm / Dr. Phil's my uncle and I like to hang with him / I can't dance / I wear khaki pants / My middle name's Lance / My Grandma's from France / So maybe I'm wack / 'Cause my skin ain't black / But you can't talk smack / 'Cause whitey just struck back

After his rap battle, he puts on his hooded jacket. Only this time, his hood happens to look very pointy like a Ku Klux Klan hood. This does not impress the whitey-hatin' black gangstas.

The Hours

In a parody of The Hours, Charlie Sheen beats up Michael Jackson as he takes off the white sheet he is under. Michael's nose comes off and they find that someone was really just wearing a Michael Jackson costume. They suspect it's the aliens that are trying to invade the planet.

Leslie Nielson plays the President of the United States. There's a lot of insensitive low class crass jokes such as beating up handicapped children and blowing up a poster of Mother Theresa, but the whole light-heartedness of the movie let's it escape without receiving too much public outcry. President Leslie Nielson wonders during this time of crisis, what President Ford would do. He stands next to a framed picture of Harrison Ford, perhaps, insinuating that Harrison Ford should run for President in the future or a parody of Ford playing POTUS in the movie Air Force One.

Simon Cowell from American Idol also appears in the 8 Mile scene when he complains about how bad their rapping was. He then gets blown away by hundreds of gunshots to the chest. At least, Simon Cowell has the ability to laugh at himself. He knows the public loves to hate him and embraces that sentiment. Being America's most hated snootiest Briton has made him into a multi-millionaire.

After watching a trailer, you'll know whether this movie is for you or not. I like David Zucker's Airplane! That's a classic. The first Naked Gun was good too.

The Highs: Hilarious parodies of recent movies. An endless stream of fast-paced gags, one-liners, and non-sequitur situations. Tons of poop jokes.

The Lows: Terrible acting (perhaps, intentional?). Tons of poop jokes. Offensive. Insensitive. Sometimes, you have to sit through a lot of stupid immature garbage before hitting the funny stuff.

The Verdict: So stupid it's Scary!

My Rating: B, 82.

A shot of the Westin Bonaventure Hotel from my office window. 

The Westin Bonaventure Hotel in Downtown Los Angeles. 

On another elevator. 

Looking down from the 32nd floor. 

A shot from the elevator. 

Fish that can spit long distances in to other fishes' mouths. 

Inside the Westin Bonaventure Hotel. 

My mom at the Sun King's palace pad. I think I'll just stay home after looking at these pictures. 

The garden 

Home of King Louis XIV, the Sun King