No, Obi Wan. That was not your destiny. . .
Friday, March 02, 2007
Irish Viagra
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
"What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Potential and Reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
710
What's a 710?
Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
They all looked at each other, and one of the mechanics asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Click on the link to see the identity of the mysterious 710.
Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
They all looked at each other, and one of the mechanics asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Click on the link to see the identity of the mysterious 710.
First, I'd like to thank god and all my fans for helping me win this award. I want to thank my wife, Sarah, for supporting me throughout my crazy stages and for making me censor some of my own blog posts. She really helped me from going overboard with some material and from losing even more friends. If it wasn't for her, I would have offended everybody, even though I didn't really care at the time.
Thanks to all my friends and family for your continued support and for giving me something to blog about.
I want to thank Google and Blogger.com and the almighty Internet. Without you, I would have no blog.
I don't want to forget to thank anyone, even all the little insignificant people in my life, but due to limited time and the fact that I don't remember all your names, I'll leave it at that.
I hope to improve even more and live up to your high expectations you have placed upon me with this award.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Top Gear
Here's a video clip of one of my favorite shows, Top Gear. It's British, but it's still a dang good car show nontheless. This would be a great show for all you gear heads. Do a search for "Top Gear" in YouTube.
Top Gear Richard Hammond Crash
Here's a video clip of the crash that nearly killed one of the Top Gear hosts, Richard "Hamster" Hammond. Thank goodness he survived!
He was out for awhile. I thought the show was going to be canceled or something.
Crystal Cove Car Show
Here's a video of the Crystal Cove Car Show in Newport Beach, California. This is where I took my wife to see some hot exotic cars. I also went with Josh there too last year. It's too bad that they don't have the car show there anymore. They'll probably find another venue for this show since it's so popular. Once I find it, I'll be there!
Second Life Losing Its Virtues?
Here's a link to an article I came across on the L.A. Times. Some people have entered the world of Second Life seeking a utopia in which to live out their fantasy lives. However, due to the tremendously growing popularity of Second Life, millions of people all over the world are now playing it. Even giant corporations such as Circuit City and Toyota have entered seeking to sell virtual items.
Some residents of Second Life have joined together known as the Second Life Liberation Army to fight back against the growing commercialism. They disrupt events with bomb scripts and guns. It sounds almost like the movie "Fight Club".
Some residents of Second Life have joined together known as the Second Life Liberation Army to fight back against the growing commercialism. They disrupt events with bomb scripts and guns. It sounds almost like the movie "Fight Club".
The Pasta Diet and Your Health
ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
Thanks to A.M. for this great pasta tip!
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
Thanks to A.M. for this great pasta tip!
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