On Sunday, I biked to church. I saw the L.A. Bike Tour in Downtown L.A. I biked with some of the cyclists for a couple blocks. There was a sea of cyclists so it was tough crossing over to the other side of the street. Andy Nagai rode in the L.A. Bike Tour. I loved how the streets were all blocked off. I could blow through all the intersections without worrying about any cars.
On my way back home, I crashed into a traffic sign, because a stupid bus made a left turn right in front of me at an intersection. The bus was heading south on Broadway Street when it made a left on to Cesar Chavez on a red light. Then it stopped a short distance away at the intersection of Spring Street right in front of me to pick up busriders. I was tearing down Cesar Chavez going east when I saw that the bus was about to cut me off. I squeezed the brakes, but I kept sliding forward and went right into an island in the road. I slammed into a yellow street sign with my right shoulder and back. My rear wheel bent a little bit and my bike chain came off, but otherwise I was okay. I was more mad than anything else. Stupid bus driver! You can still see the bent yellow traffic sign at the southwest corner of Cesar Chavez and Spring Street in Downtown Los Angeles. Now, I need to get my wheels trued.
I had a hard time going home since I was sore and tired. My biggest problem was the sunscreen and sweat that kept dripping into my eyes. My nose kept running and I had my eyes closed for half my ride home. That was a tough and long ride back home. From now on, I'm not putting sunscreen on my face and arms.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Friday, March 02, 2007
Irish Viagra
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
"What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Potential and Reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
710
What's a 710?
Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
They all looked at each other, and one of the mechanics asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Click on the link to see the identity of the mysterious 710.
Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
They all looked at each other, and one of the mechanics asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Click on the link to see the identity of the mysterious 710.
First, I'd like to thank god and all my fans for helping me win this award. I want to thank my wife, Sarah, for supporting me throughout my crazy stages and for making me censor some of my own blog posts. She really helped me from going overboard with some material and from losing even more friends. If it wasn't for her, I would have offended everybody, even though I didn't really care at the time.
Thanks to all my friends and family for your continued support and for giving me something to blog about.
I want to thank Google and Blogger.com and the almighty Internet. Without you, I would have no blog.
I don't want to forget to thank anyone, even all the little insignificant people in my life, but due to limited time and the fact that I don't remember all your names, I'll leave it at that.
I hope to improve even more and live up to your high expectations you have placed upon me with this award.
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