Some of these are funny. Some suck.
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be given severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat I said, "Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating
a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty
and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest
to tallest What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn
slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
same."
--Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal
19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've
thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease"
was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased
Friday, November 04, 2005
Upcoming First Wedding Anniversary
Our first wedding anniversary is coming up on November 6, 2005. What should I do for our anniversary? I heard the first anniversary is paper. What am I supposed to give her? A piece of paper? I could do that. I was thinking of taking her somewhere nice like a romantic getaway, but she is working this weekend. I guess I'll just give her a piece of paper and take her to Mickey D's.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Fun Things To Do
15 things to do at Wal-Mart, K-Mart or Target while your spouse/partner
is taking their sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' carts when
they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3'
in housewares.....and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers
you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your
nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme
from "Mission Impossible."
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different
size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK
ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last but not least
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell
loudly "There is no toilet paper in here!"
is taking their sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' carts when
they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3'
in housewares.....and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers
you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your
nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme
from "Mission Impossible."
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different
size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK
ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last but not least
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell
loudly "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Test for Dementia
Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question.
You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are.
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?
Answer:
If you answered that you are first,
then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person
and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as
much time as you took for the first question.
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer:
If you answered that you are second
to last, then you are wrong again.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this! Are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky math!
Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000.
Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20.
Now add another 1000 Now add 10.
What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.
Answer:
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
Today is definitely not your day.
Maybe you will get the last question right.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer:
Nunu?
NO! Of course not.
Her name is Mary.
Read the question again
Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth
he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper
and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy
a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
I got all of the questions wrong. I must have dementia.
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question.
You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are.
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?
Answer:
If you answered that you are first,
then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person
and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as
much time as you took for the first question.
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer:
If you answered that you are second
to last, then you are wrong again.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this! Are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky math!
Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000.
Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20.
Now add another 1000 Now add 10.
What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.
Answer:
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
Today is definitely not your day.
Maybe you will get the last question right.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer:
Nunu?
NO! Of course not.
Her name is Mary.
Read the question again
Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth
he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper
and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy
a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
I got all of the questions wrong. I must have dementia.
Da Vinci Code
I'm reading the Da Vinci Code right now. It's a fun read, even though it's fiction. I've always been interested in church history. Some of the things mentioned in the book are real, however. The church did have a very dark history. Reading this book makes me want to study Christian history again.
I don't think a lot of the stuff written about Da Vinci was true. What I think is true is that there were a lot of other gospels written that the church did not like. I also thought the concept of the number Phi=1.618 being everywhere was very interesting. There's just a ton of interesting things in the book that Dan Brown talks about albeit briefly. It's a great mystery thriller.
I don't think a lot of the stuff written about Da Vinci was true. What I think is true is that there were a lot of other gospels written that the church did not like. I also thought the concept of the number Phi=1.618 being everywhere was very interesting. There's just a ton of interesting things in the book that Dan Brown talks about albeit briefly. It's a great mystery thriller.
Practice What You Preach
The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman
in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them.
The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and
yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move.
The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and
raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and
dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to
blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity
and curses at the man.
The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates
through the intersection just as the light turns red.
The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as
she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As
she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and
looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious
looking policeman.
The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping
both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After
she
shuts off the engine, the policeman
orders her to exit her car with her hands up.
She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place
her hands on her car then handcuffs her and takes her to
the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked
and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell
and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the
booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her
personal effects and says,
"I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping
the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What
Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the Follow Me to Sunday
School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian
fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had
stolen the car."
in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them.
The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and
yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move.
The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and
raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and
dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to
blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity
and curses at the man.
The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates
through the intersection just as the light turns red.
The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as
she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As
she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and
looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious
looking policeman.
The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping
both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After
she
shuts off the engine, the policeman
orders her to exit her car with her hands up.
She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place
her hands on her car then handcuffs her and takes her to
the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked
and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell
and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the
booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her
personal effects and says,
"I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping
the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What
Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the Follow Me to Sunday
School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian
fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had
stolen the car."
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Chinese Proverbs
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who run in front of car get tired
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Only in America
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of
the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at
the front.
Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET
coke.
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to
the
counters.
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns of packages
of
eight.
Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so
well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.
Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER...Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at
the front.
Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET
coke.
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to
the
counters.
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns of packages
of
eight.
Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so
well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.
Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER...Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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