Friday, February 23, 2007
Top Gear
Here's a video clip of one of my favorite shows, Top Gear. It's British, but it's still a dang good car show nontheless. This would be a great show for all you gear heads. Do a search for "Top Gear" in YouTube.
Top Gear Richard Hammond Crash
Here's a video clip of the crash that nearly killed one of the Top Gear hosts, Richard "Hamster" Hammond. Thank goodness he survived!
He was out for awhile. I thought the show was going to be canceled or something.
Crystal Cove Car Show
Here's a video of the Crystal Cove Car Show in Newport Beach, California. This is where I took my wife to see some hot exotic cars. I also went with Josh there too last year. It's too bad that they don't have the car show there anymore. They'll probably find another venue for this show since it's so popular. Once I find it, I'll be there!
Second Life Losing Its Virtues?
Here's a link to an article I came across on the L.A. Times. Some people have entered the world of Second Life seeking a utopia in which to live out their fantasy lives. However, due to the tremendously growing popularity of Second Life, millions of people all over the world are now playing it. Even giant corporations such as Circuit City and Toyota have entered seeking to sell virtual items.
Some residents of Second Life have joined together known as the Second Life Liberation Army to fight back against the growing commercialism. They disrupt events with bomb scripts and guns. It sounds almost like the movie "Fight Club".
Some residents of Second Life have joined together known as the Second Life Liberation Army to fight back against the growing commercialism. They disrupt events with bomb scripts and guns. It sounds almost like the movie "Fight Club".
The Pasta Diet and Your Health
ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
Thanks to A.M. for this great pasta tip!
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
Thanks to A.M. for this great pasta tip!
Ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity:
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair
Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with
that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious
face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go T o A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All
Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."
Submitted by A.M.
Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with
that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious
face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go T o A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All
Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."
Submitted by A.M.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
4 Brothers
Four brothers left home for college and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had a Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
About a month later the Mama wrote her thank you notes:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home and I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank You."
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had a Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
About a month later the Mama wrote her thank you notes:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home and I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank You."
Sick Notes
Sick Notes
These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district...(spellings have been left intact.)
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s. [note: words in ( )'s were crossed out] .
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being.It was his father's fault.
15. I kept billie home because she had to go christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer fo! R missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Ple ase excuse jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids!
Thanks to A.M. for this submission!
These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district...(spellings have been left intact.)
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s. [note: words in ( )'s were crossed out] .
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being.It was his father's fault.
15. I kept billie home because she had to go christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer fo! R missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Ple ase excuse jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids!
Thanks to A.M. for this submission!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Fifty Uses for Vinegar
>>
>> 1 Kill grass on walks and driveways.
>>
>> 2 Kill weeds. Spray full strength on growth until plants have starved.
>>
>> 3 Increase soil acidity. In hard water: one gallon of tap water for
>> watering
>> rhododendrons, gardenias, or azaleas.
>>
>> 4 Deter ants. Spray vinegar around doors, appliances, and along other
>> areas where ants are known.
>>
>> 5 Polish car chrome. Apply full strength.
>>
>> 6 Remove skunk odor from a dog. Rub fur with full strength vinegar;
>rinse.
>>
>> 7 Keep cats away. Sprinkle vinegar on areas you don't want the cat
>walking,
>> sleeping, or scratchingon.
>>
>> 8 Keep dogs from scratching his ears. Use a clean, soft cloth dipped in
>> diluted vinegar.
>>
>> 9 Keep chickens from pecking each other. Put a little in their drinking
>> water.
>>
>> 10 Tenderize meat. Soak in vinegar over night.
>>
>> 11 Freshen vegetables. Soak wilted vegetables in 2 cups of water and a
>> tablespoon of vinegar.
>>
>> 12 Boil better eggs. Add 2 tablespoons to water before boiling eggs.
>Keeps
>> them from cracking.
>>
>> 13 Soothe a bee or jellyfish sting. Dot the irritation with vinegar and
>> relieve itching.
>>
>> 14 Relieve sunburn. Lightly rub white vinegar; you may have to reapply.
>>
>> 15 Condition hair. Add a tablespoon of vinegar to dissolve sticky residue
>> left by shampoo.
>>
>> 16 Relieve dry and itchy skin. Add 2 tablespoons to bath water.
>>
>> 17 Fight dandruff. After shampooing, rinse with vinegar and 2 cups of
>warm
>> water.
>>
>> 18 Soothe a sore throat. Put a teaspoon of vinegar in a glass of
>> water.Gargle, then swallow.
>>
>> 19 Treat sinus infections and chest colds. Add 1/4 cup or more vinegar to
>> the vaporizer.
>>
>> 20 Feel good. A teaspoon of apple cider vinegar in a glass of water, with
>a
>> bit of honey added for flavor, will take the edge off your appetite and
>> give you an overall healthy feeling.
>>
>> 21 Deodorize the kitchen drain. Pour a cup down the drain once a week.
>Let
>> stand 30 minutes and then flush with cold water.
>>
>> 22 Eliminate onion odor. Rub on your fingers before and after slicing.
>>
>> 23 Clean and disinfect wood cutting boards. Wipe with full strength
>> vinegar.
>>
>> 24 Remove fruit stains from hands. Rub with vinegar
>>
>> 25 Cut grease and odor on dishes. Add a tablespoon of vinegar to hot
>soapy
>> water.
>>
>> 26 Clean a teapot. Boil a mixture of water and vinegar in the teapot.
>Wipe
>> away the grime.
>>
>> 27 Freshen a lunchbox. Soak a piece of bread in vinegar and let it sit in
>> the lunchbox over night.
>>
>> 28 Clean the refrigerator. Wash with a solution of equal parts water and
>> vinegar.
>>
>> 29 Unclog a drain. Pour a handful of baking soda down the drain and add
>1/2
>> cup of vinegar. Rinse with hot water.
>>
>> 30 Clean and deodorize the garbage disposal. Make vinegar ice cubes and
>> feed
>> them down the disposal. After grinding, run cold water through.
>>
>> 31 Clean and deodorize jars. Rinse mayonnaise, peanut butter, and mustard
>> jars with vinegar when empty.
>>
>> 32 Clean the dishwasher. Run a cup of vinegar through the whole cycle
>once
>> a month to reduce soap build up on the inner mechanisms and on glassware.
>>
>> 33 Clean stainless steel. Wipe with a vinegar dampened cloth.
>>
>> 34 Clean china and fine glassware. Add a cup of vinegar to a sink of warm
>> water. Gently dip the glass or china in the solution and let dry.
>>
>> 35 Get stains out of pots. Fill pot with a solution of 3 tablespoons of
>> vinegar to a pint of water. Boil until stain loosens and can be washed
>away.
>>
>> 36 Clean the microwave. Boil a solution of 1/4 cup of vinegar and 1 cup of
>> water in the microwave. Will loosen splattered on food and deodorize.
>>
>> 37 Dissolve rust from bolts and other metals. Soak in full strength
>> vinegar.
>>
>> 38 Get rid of cooking smells. Let simmer a small pot of vinegar and water
>> solution.
>>
>> 39 Unclog steam iron. Pour equal amounts of vinegar and water into the
>> iron's water chamber. Turn to steam and leave the iron on for 5 minutes
>in
>> an
>> upright position. Then unplug and allow to cool. Any loose particles
>should
>> come out when you empty the water.
>>
>> 40 Clean a scorched iron plate. Heat equal parts vinegar and salt in a
>> small
>> pan. Rub solution on the cooled iron surface to remove dark or burned
>> stains.
>>
>> 41 Get rid of lint in clothes. Add 1/2 cup of vinegar to the rinse cycle.
>>
>> 42 Keep colors from running. Immerse clothes in full strength vinegar
>> before washing.
>>
>> 43 Freshen up the washing machine. Periodically, pour a cup of vinegar in
>> the
>> machine and let in run through a regular cycle (no clothes added). Will
>> dissolve soap residue.
>>
>> 44 Brighten fabric colors. Add a 1/2 cup vinegar to the rinse cycle.
>>
>> 45 Take grease off suede. Dip a toothbrush in vinegar and gently brush
>over
>> grease spot.
>>
>> 46 Remove tough stains. Gently rub on fruit, jam, mustard, coffee, tea.
>> Then wash as usual.
>>
>> 47 Get smoke smell out of clothes. Add a cup of vinegar to a bath tub of
>hot
>> water. Hang clothes above the steam.
>>
>> 48 Remove decals. Brush with a couple coats of vinegar. Allow to soak in.
>> Wash off.
>>
>> 49 Clean eyeglasses. Wipe each lens with a drop of vinegar.
>>
>> 50 Freshen cut flowers. Add 2 tablespoons vinegar and 1 teaspoon sugar
>for
>> each quart of water.
I have not verified whether or not these uses for vinegar work or not, so do so at your own risk. Don't blame me if it doesn't work.
>> 1 Kill grass on walks and driveways.
>>
>> 2 Kill weeds. Spray full strength on growth until plants have starved.
>>
>> 3 Increase soil acidity. In hard water: one gallon of tap water for
>> watering
>> rhododendrons, gardenias, or azaleas.
>>
>> 4 Deter ants. Spray vinegar around doors, appliances, and along other
>> areas where ants are known.
>>
>> 5 Polish car chrome. Apply full strength.
>>
>> 6 Remove skunk odor from a dog. Rub fur with full strength vinegar;
>rinse.
>>
>> 7 Keep cats away. Sprinkle vinegar on areas you don't want the cat
>walking,
>> sleeping, or scratchingon.
>>
>> 8 Keep dogs from scratching his ears. Use a clean, soft cloth dipped in
>> diluted vinegar.
>>
>> 9 Keep chickens from pecking each other. Put a little in their drinking
>> water.
>>
>> 10 Tenderize meat. Soak in vinegar over night.
>>
>> 11 Freshen vegetables. Soak wilted vegetables in 2 cups of water and a
>> tablespoon of vinegar.
>>
>> 12 Boil better eggs. Add 2 tablespoons to water before boiling eggs.
>Keeps
>> them from cracking.
>>
>> 13 Soothe a bee or jellyfish sting. Dot the irritation with vinegar and
>> relieve itching.
>>
>> 14 Relieve sunburn. Lightly rub white vinegar; you may have to reapply.
>>
>> 15 Condition hair. Add a tablespoon of vinegar to dissolve sticky residue
>> left by shampoo.
>>
>> 16 Relieve dry and itchy skin. Add 2 tablespoons to bath water.
>>
>> 17 Fight dandruff. After shampooing, rinse with vinegar and 2 cups of
>warm
>> water.
>>
>> 18 Soothe a sore throat. Put a teaspoon of vinegar in a glass of
>> water.Gargle, then swallow.
>>
>> 19 Treat sinus infections and chest colds. Add 1/4 cup or more vinegar to
>> the vaporizer.
>>
>> 20 Feel good. A teaspoon of apple cider vinegar in a glass of water, with
>a
>> bit of honey added for flavor, will take the edge off your appetite and
>> give you an overall healthy feeling.
>>
>> 21 Deodorize the kitchen drain. Pour a cup down the drain once a week.
>Let
>> stand 30 minutes and then flush with cold water.
>>
>> 22 Eliminate onion odor. Rub on your fingers before and after slicing.
>>
>> 23 Clean and disinfect wood cutting boards. Wipe with full strength
>> vinegar.
>>
>> 24 Remove fruit stains from hands. Rub with vinegar
>>
>> 25 Cut grease and odor on dishes. Add a tablespoon of vinegar to hot
>soapy
>> water.
>>
>> 26 Clean a teapot. Boil a mixture of water and vinegar in the teapot.
>Wipe
>> away the grime.
>>
>> 27 Freshen a lunchbox. Soak a piece of bread in vinegar and let it sit in
>> the lunchbox over night.
>>
>> 28 Clean the refrigerator. Wash with a solution of equal parts water and
>> vinegar.
>>
>> 29 Unclog a drain. Pour a handful of baking soda down the drain and add
>1/2
>> cup of vinegar. Rinse with hot water.
>>
>> 30 Clean and deodorize the garbage disposal. Make vinegar ice cubes and
>> feed
>> them down the disposal. After grinding, run cold water through.
>>
>> 31 Clean and deodorize jars. Rinse mayonnaise, peanut butter, and mustard
>> jars with vinegar when empty.
>>
>> 32 Clean the dishwasher. Run a cup of vinegar through the whole cycle
>once
>> a month to reduce soap build up on the inner mechanisms and on glassware.
>>
>> 33 Clean stainless steel. Wipe with a vinegar dampened cloth.
>>
>> 34 Clean china and fine glassware. Add a cup of vinegar to a sink of warm
>> water. Gently dip the glass or china in the solution and let dry.
>>
>> 35 Get stains out of pots. Fill pot with a solution of 3 tablespoons of
>> vinegar to a pint of water. Boil until stain loosens and can be washed
>away.
>>
>> 36 Clean the microwave. Boil a solution of 1/4 cup of vinegar and 1 cup of
>> water in the microwave. Will loosen splattered on food and deodorize.
>>
>> 37 Dissolve rust from bolts and other metals. Soak in full strength
>> vinegar.
>>
>> 38 Get rid of cooking smells. Let simmer a small pot of vinegar and water
>> solution.
>>
>> 39 Unclog steam iron. Pour equal amounts of vinegar and water into the
>> iron's water chamber. Turn to steam and leave the iron on for 5 minutes
>in
>> an
>> upright position. Then unplug and allow to cool. Any loose particles
>should
>> come out when you empty the water.
>>
>> 40 Clean a scorched iron plate. Heat equal parts vinegar and salt in a
>> small
>> pan. Rub solution on the cooled iron surface to remove dark or burned
>> stains.
>>
>> 41 Get rid of lint in clothes. Add 1/2 cup of vinegar to the rinse cycle.
>>
>> 42 Keep colors from running. Immerse clothes in full strength vinegar
>> before washing.
>>
>> 43 Freshen up the washing machine. Periodically, pour a cup of vinegar in
>> the
>> machine and let in run through a regular cycle (no clothes added). Will
>> dissolve soap residue.
>>
>> 44 Brighten fabric colors. Add a 1/2 cup vinegar to the rinse cycle.
>>
>> 45 Take grease off suede. Dip a toothbrush in vinegar and gently brush
>over
>> grease spot.
>>
>> 46 Remove tough stains. Gently rub on fruit, jam, mustard, coffee, tea.
>> Then wash as usual.
>>
>> 47 Get smoke smell out of clothes. Add a cup of vinegar to a bath tub of
>hot
>> water. Hang clothes above the steam.
>>
>> 48 Remove decals. Brush with a couple coats of vinegar. Allow to soak in.
>> Wash off.
>>
>> 49 Clean eyeglasses. Wipe each lens with a drop of vinegar.
>>
>> 50 Freshen cut flowers. Add 2 tablespoons vinegar and 1 teaspoon sugar
>for
>> each quart of water.
I have not verified whether or not these uses for vinegar work or not, so do so at your own risk. Don't blame me if it doesn't work.
Acceptable Uses for the "F" Word
There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been
considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS
Titanic, 1912
10. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton, 1999
and a drum roll....................
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." Sadaam Hussein,
2003.
considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS
Titanic, 1912
10. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton, 1999
and a drum roll....................
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." Sadaam Hussein,
2003.
2 Nuns
There are two nuns taking a walk. One of them is known as Sister
> Mathematical(SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It
is
>
> getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
>
> SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
> thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
>
> SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
>
> SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.
What
> can we do?
>
> SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
>
> SM: It's not working
>
> SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
> started to walk faster too.
>
> SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
>
> SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll
> go this way. He cannot follow us both.
>
> So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical
arrives
> at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then
> Sister Logical arrives.
>
> SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
>
> SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,
so
> he followed me.
>
> SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
>
> SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could
> and he started to run as fast as he could.
>
> SM: And?
>
> SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
>
> SM: What did you do?
>
> SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
>
> SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
>
> SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
>
> SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
>
> SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than
> a man with his pants down........
>
> And those of you who thought it would be dirty, Pray for forgiveness
you
> heathens!
> Mathematical(SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It
is
>
> getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
>
> SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
> thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
>
> SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
>
> SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.
What
> can we do?
>
> SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
>
> SM: It's not working
>
> SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
> started to walk faster too.
>
> SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
>
> SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll
> go this way. He cannot follow us both.
>
> So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical
arrives
> at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then
> Sister Logical arrives.
>
> SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
>
> SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,
so
> he followed me.
>
> SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
>
> SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could
> and he started to run as fast as he could.
>
> SM: And?
>
> SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
>
> SM: What did you do?
>
> SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
>
> SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
>
> SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
>
> SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
>
> SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than
> a man with his pants down........
>
> And those of you who thought it would be dirty, Pray for forgiveness
you
> heathens!
Nursing Home
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her
> > > wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going
down
> > > the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am
but
> > > you were speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?" She digs
around
> > > in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to
him.
> > > He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up
and
> > > down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of
a
> > > room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center
>line
>
> > > back there." "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around
in
> > > her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He
> > > looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She
> > > zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she
comes
>to
> > > the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an
> > > erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no
-
> > > not the Breathalyzer again!"
> > > wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going
down
> > > the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am
but
> > > you were speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?" She digs
around
> > > in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to
him.
> > > He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up
and
> > > down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of
a
> > > room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center
>line
>
> > > back there." "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around
in
> > > her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He
> > > looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She
> > > zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she
comes
>to
> > > the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an
> > > erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no
-
> > > not the Breathalyzer again!"
Riddle of the Day
A RIDDLE THAT'LL KILL YOUR BRAIN! This is going to make you so MAD!
There are three words in "the English language" that end in "gry". ONE is
angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and
what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very
carefully, I've given you the third word.
What is it?
_______gry?
[Edit: Okay, I know that this stupid riddle has some of you baffled. I put a link to a site that gives you an explanation. You may not like it, but it is an explanation, nontheless.]
There are three words in "the English language" that end in "gry". ONE is
angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and
what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very
carefully, I've given you the third word.
What is it?
_______gry?
[Edit: Okay, I know that this stupid riddle has some of you baffled. I put a link to a site that gives you an explanation. You may not like it, but it is an explanation, nontheless.]
'Twas The Night Before Christmas, Ebonics Version
Twas da night befo' Christmas and all in the hood
Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good
The tube socks was hung on the window sill
and we all had smiles up on our grill
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib
in the back bedroom cuz that's how we live
and moms in her do-rag and me with my nine
had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine
All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by
Bumpin phat beats cuz the system's fly
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'
Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's--
well anyway
I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!
She said, Stop frontin just mind yo' bidness
I said, for real doe, come check dis out
We weren't even buggin, no worries, no doubt
Cuz bumpin an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh
Da beats was kickin, da ride was phat
I said, Yo red Dawg, you all that!
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,
"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!
To the top of the projects and across the strip mall,
We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"
He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof
and sippin on a 40, he busted a move
I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"
he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings
a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
he slid down the fire escape smoove as a cat
and busted the window with a b-ball bat
I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
he said,"You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old
He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his god toof
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie with rims made of chrome
To tap that booty waitin at home
and all I heard as he cruised outta sight
was a loud and hearty.....
"WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"
Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good
The tube socks was hung on the window sill
and we all had smiles up on our grill
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib
in the back bedroom cuz that's how we live
and moms in her do-rag and me with my nine
had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine
All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by
Bumpin phat beats cuz the system's fly
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'
Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's--
well anyway
I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!
She said, Stop frontin just mind yo' bidness
I said, for real doe, come check dis out
We weren't even buggin, no worries, no doubt
Cuz bumpin an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh
Da beats was kickin, da ride was phat
I said, Yo red Dawg, you all that!
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,
"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!
To the top of the projects and across the strip mall,
We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"
He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof
and sippin on a 40, he busted a move
I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"
he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings
a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
he slid down the fire escape smoove as a cat
and busted the window with a b-ball bat
I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
he said,"You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old
He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his god toof
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie with rims made of chrome
To tap that booty waitin at home
and all I heard as he cruised outta sight
was a loud and hearty.....
"WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"
Computer Problems?
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0".
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0 . And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail".
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Dear Desperate:
"First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system".
"Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download
Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should
then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5".
"But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files."
"Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0".
"In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally
recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7".
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0".
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0 . And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail".
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Dear Desperate:
"First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system".
"Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download
Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should
then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5".
"But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files."
"Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0".
"In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally
recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7".
Good Luck,
Tech Support
ASS STUDY
There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty
interesting.
85% of women think their ass is too big.......
10% of women think their ass is too little......
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married
him
anyway.
interesting.
85% of women think their ass is too big.......
10% of women think their ass is too little......
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married
him
anyway.
Da Police
A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman:
>
>Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
>
>Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
>Woman: Oh, I see.
>
>Officer: Can I see your license please?
>
>Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>
>Officer: Don't have one?
>
>Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.
>
>Officer: I see...can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
>
>Woman: I can't do that.
>
>Officer: Why not?
>
>Woman: I stole this car.
>
>Officer: Stole it?
>
>Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>
>Officer: You what?
>
>Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
>
>The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
>for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
>slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
>Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
>
>The woman steps out of her vehicle.
>
>Woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
>Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
>murdered the owner.
>
>Woman: Murdered the owner?
>
>Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?
>
>The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>
>Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>
>Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
>
>Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
>
>The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
>to
>the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the
>license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
>Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
>license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
>owner.
>Outraged Woman: OH? I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding,
>too!
>
>Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
>
>Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
>Woman: Oh, I see.
>
>Officer: Can I see your license please?
>
>Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>
>Officer: Don't have one?
>
>Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.
>
>Officer: I see...can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
>
>Woman: I can't do that.
>
>Officer: Why not?
>
>Woman: I stole this car.
>
>Officer: Stole it?
>
>Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>
>Officer: You what?
>
>Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
>
>The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
>for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
>slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
>Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
>
>The woman steps out of her vehicle.
>
>Woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
>Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
>murdered the owner.
>
>Woman: Murdered the owner?
>
>Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?
>
>The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>
>Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>
>Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
>
>Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
>
>The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
>to
>the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the
>license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
>Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
>license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
>owner.
>Outraged Woman: OH? I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding,
>too!
Y'allbonics
ANY GOOD SOUTH'NER WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN PEACHES
> > > >>WILL UNDERSTAND EVERY SINGLE WORD BELOW!
> > > >>
> > > >>The Association of Southern Schools has decided to
> > > pursue
> > > >>some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar
> > > pipeline
> > > >>through Washington designating Southern slang, or
> > > >>y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all
> > > Southern
> > > >>schools. The following are excerpts from the
> > > >>Y'allbonics/English dictionary.
> > > >>
> > > >>HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
> > > >>
> > > >>HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of
> > > greeting.
> > > >>Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?"
> > > >>
> > > >>BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to
> > > borrow."
> > > >>Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."
> > > >>
> > > >>JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida.
> > > >>Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from
> > > >>Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
> > > >>
> > > >>BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh.
> > > >>Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes
> > > went
> > > >>through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in
> > > >>improvements."
> > > >>
> > > >>MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My
> > > brother
> > > >>from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd
> > > from
> > > >>him in munts."
> > > >>
> > > >>THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah
> > > thank ah'll
> > > >>have a bare."
> > > >>
> > > >>BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of
> > > barley,
> > > >>hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a
> > > bare."
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas
> > > native.
> > > >>" Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
> > > >>
> > > >>RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin'
> > > bolts. Usage
> > > >>"I thank I left my ranch in the back of that
> > > pickup truck
> > > >>my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
> > > >>
> > > >>ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage
> > > "I
> > > >>sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
> > > pickup
> > > >>truck."
> > > >>
> > > >>FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my
> > > brother
> > > >>from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup
> > > truck,
> > > >>that thing's gonna catch far."
> > > >>
> > > >>TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope
> > > that
> > > >>brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar
> > > in my
> > > >>pickup truck."
> > > >>
> > > >>TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord
> > > willin' and
> > > >>the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that
> > > Eiffel
> > > >>Tire in Paris sometime."
> > > >>
> > > >>RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My
> > > grampaw
> > > >>retard at age 65."
> > > >>
> > > >>FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to
> > > engage in
> > > >>battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n,
> > > >>n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
> > > >>
> > > >>RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
> > > Usage
> > > >>"We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
> > > >>
> > > >>CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage "Just set
> > > that
> > > >>bare rat cheer."
> > > >>
> > > >>FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I
> > > cuddint
> > > >>unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some
> > > farn
> > > >>country."
> > > >>
> > > >>DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did,
> > > Jim."
> > > >>
> > > >>ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen.
> > > >>Usage "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!"
> > > >>
> > > >>BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage
> > > >>"Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
> > > >>
> > > >>JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage
> > > >>"Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job
> > > >>with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
> > > >>
> > > >>HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?"
> > > >>"Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a
> > > >>minnit'n 'is laf."
> > > >>
> > > >>SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".
> > > >>
> > > >>VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage
> > > >>"I ain't never seed New York City...view?"
> > > >>
> > > >>GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
> > > >>Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.
> > > >>WILL UNDERSTAND EVERY SINGLE WORD BELOW!
> > > >>
> > > >>The Association of Southern Schools has decided to
> > > pursue
> > > >>some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar
> > > pipeline
> > > >>through Washington designating Southern slang, or
> > > >>y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all
> > > Southern
> > > >>schools. The following are excerpts from the
> > > >>Y'allbonics/English dictionary.
> > > >>
> > > >>HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
> > > >>
> > > >>HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of
> > > greeting.
> > > >>Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?"
> > > >>
> > > >>BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to
> > > borrow."
> > > >>Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."
> > > >>
> > > >>JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida.
> > > >>Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from
> > > >>Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
> > > >>
> > > >>BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh.
> > > >>Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes
> > > went
> > > >>through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in
> > > >>improvements."
> > > >>
> > > >>MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My
> > > brother
> > > >>from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd
> > > from
> > > >>him in munts."
> > > >>
> > > >>THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah
> > > thank ah'll
> > > >>have a bare."
> > > >>
> > > >>BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of
> > > barley,
> > > >>hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a
> > > bare."
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas
> > > native.
> > > >>" Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
> > > >>
> > > >>RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin'
> > > bolts. Usage
> > > >>"I thank I left my ranch in the back of that
> > > pickup truck
> > > >>my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
> > > >>
> > > >>ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage
> > > "I
> > > >>sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
> > > pickup
> > > >>truck."
> > > >>
> > > >>FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my
> > > brother
> > > >>from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup
> > > truck,
> > > >>that thing's gonna catch far."
> > > >>
> > > >>TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope
> > > that
> > > >>brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar
> > > in my
> > > >>pickup truck."
> > > >>
> > > >>TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord
> > > willin' and
> > > >>the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that
> > > Eiffel
> > > >>Tire in Paris sometime."
> > > >>
> > > >>RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My
> > > grampaw
> > > >>retard at age 65."
> > > >>
> > > >>FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to
> > > engage in
> > > >>battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n,
> > > >>n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
> > > >>
> > > >>RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
> > > Usage
> > > >>"We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
> > > >>
> > > >>CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage "Just set
> > > that
> > > >>bare rat cheer."
> > > >>
> > > >>FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I
> > > cuddint
> > > >>unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some
> > > farn
> > > >>country."
> > > >>
> > > >>DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did,
> > > Jim."
> > > >>
> > > >>ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen.
> > > >>Usage "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!"
> > > >>
> > > >>BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage
> > > >>"Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
> > > >>
> > > >>JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage
> > > >>"Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job
> > > >>with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
> > > >>
> > > >>HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?"
> > > >>"Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a
> > > >>minnit'n 'is laf."
> > > >>
> > > >>SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".
> > > >>
> > > >>VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage
> > > >>"I ain't never seed New York City...view?"
> > > >>
> > > >>GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
> > > >>Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.
Men are Like
Men are like ... Laxatives ...They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they
are.
Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure
why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head
right
for your hips.
Men are like ... Coffee ... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep
you up
all night long.
Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2
off.
Men are like .. Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to
mature.
Men are like .. Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.
Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how
many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the
rest are
handicapped.
Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they
are.
Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure
why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head
right
for your hips.
Men are like ... Coffee ... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep
you up
all night long.
Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2
off.
Men are like .. Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to
mature.
Men are like .. Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.
Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how
many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the
rest are
handicapped.
How Many?
>>Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
>>
>>Now, think about it.....
>>
>>Ready???
>>
>>ARE YOU SURE???
>>
>>A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of
>>hares, and a fish no one can find.
>>
>>Now, think about it.....
>>
>>Ready???
>>
>>ARE YOU SURE???
>>
>>A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of
>>hares, and a fish no one can find.
NEW AESOP'S FABLE
AN OLD MAN, A
BOY AND A DONKEY
WERE GOING TO TOWN. THE BOY RODE ON
THE DONKEY AND THE
OLD MAN WALKED.
AS THEY WENT ALONG THEY PASSED
SOME PEOPLE WHO
REMARKED THAT IT
WAS A SHAME THE OLD MAN WAS WALKING
WHILE THE BOY WAS
RIDING.
THE MAN AND BOY THOUGHT MAYBE THE
CRITICS WERE RIGHT, SO
THEY CHANGED
POSITIONS.
LATER THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE WHO
REMARKED, "WHAT A SHAME! HE MAKES
THAT LITTLE BOY WALK." THEY DECIDED
THEY BOTH WOULD WALK!
SOON THEY PASSED SOME MORE PEOPLE
WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE STUPID TO
WALK WHEN THEY HAD A DECENT DONKEY
TO RIDE.
SO THEY BOTH RODE THE DONKEY!
NOW THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE WHO
SHAMED THEM BY SAYING, "HOW AWFUL TO
PUT SUCH A LOAD ON A POOR DONKEY!"
THE BOY AND MAN SAID THEY WERE
PROBABLY RIGHT, SO THEY DECIDED
TO CARRY THE DONKEY.
AS THEY CROSSED A BRIDGE, THEY LOST
THEIR GRIP ON
THE ANIMAL, AND HE FELL
INTO THE RIVER AND DROWNED.
THE MORAL OF
THE STORY?
IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE,
YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE
YOUR ASS.
BOY AND A DONKEY
WERE GOING TO TOWN. THE BOY RODE ON
THE DONKEY AND THE
OLD MAN WALKED.
AS THEY WENT ALONG THEY PASSED
SOME PEOPLE WHO
REMARKED THAT IT
WAS A SHAME THE OLD MAN WAS WALKING
WHILE THE BOY WAS
RIDING.
THE MAN AND BOY THOUGHT MAYBE THE
CRITICS WERE RIGHT, SO
THEY CHANGED
POSITIONS.
LATER THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE WHO
REMARKED, "WHAT A SHAME! HE MAKES
THAT LITTLE BOY WALK." THEY DECIDED
THEY BOTH WOULD WALK!
SOON THEY PASSED SOME MORE PEOPLE
WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE STUPID TO
WALK WHEN THEY HAD A DECENT DONKEY
TO RIDE.
SO THEY BOTH RODE THE DONKEY!
NOW THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE WHO
SHAMED THEM BY SAYING, "HOW AWFUL TO
PUT SUCH A LOAD ON A POOR DONKEY!"
THE BOY AND MAN SAID THEY WERE
PROBABLY RIGHT, SO THEY DECIDED
TO CARRY THE DONKEY.
AS THEY CROSSED A BRIDGE, THEY LOST
THEIR GRIP ON
THE ANIMAL, AND HE FELL
INTO THE RIVER AND DROWNED.
THE MORAL OF
THE STORY?
IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE,
YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE
YOUR ASS.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Korean New Year's
I pigged out again on Korean New Year's. I went to my parents' place for some Korean BBQ (Kal-bi) and Korean Traditional Rice Cake Soup (Dduk-gook). My mom kept telling me to eat more and so I obeyed. I paid for it later when I was trying to sleep. I was so stuffed I couldn't sleep. I always overeat. I have to control myself, but I lack the discipline to do so. I kept tossing and turning in bed. I even thought about going to work at midnight so I could get an early start.
I need to eat less and exercise more. That's the key to a long and healthy life.
I need to eat less and exercise more. That's the key to a long and healthy life.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
My Motobecane Nemesis triathlon bike soaking in the sun next to the office window on the 40th Floor.
I'm starting to bike to work again and it's awesome! I'm breaking all my old records that I had on my mountain bike. Now, my record is 29 minutes from my place to the office, which is about 9 and a half miles. I still need to train a lot more if I want to enter a triathlon. Those Tour de France riders can average 31 mph over 60 miles!
Valentine's Day is Not About Money
Here's a great article on Yahoo.com about how love should not be expressed in dollars, but in love. Somehow Valentine's Day has become a day for retailers to rip off guys by making them feel guilty for not buying diamonds, jewelry, chocolates, and flowers.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Korean Konglish Jokes
These are only funny for Koreans or those kyoppos like me who get them.
What do you call a pre-occupied bean? kong beejee
what do you call a broken bicycle? mot-tah-cycle
where do lettuces worship? at a sang-choo-ary (sanctuary)
what do you call a big napkin? HU-ji (huge)
wanna hear a family joke? gah joke
what did one forehead say to the other? .. ya eemah!
what do you call a smelly bird? nem seh
what do you call the burnt rice at the bottom of a rice cooker? bobby brown
what is the vampire's fav drink? koh-pee
why did the korean smoker go to the horseraces? mal-bo-ro
what did the small fish say when he got eaten by the big fish? Oh-dheng!!!
what did the byun tae say to the mushroom? oht buhsut!
what did the cat say to the sheep to make it go away? GO YANG EE!
what do you call a hairy robot? tul-min-a-tuh!
Why don't lobsters share? They are Shell-fish
What did the bread say when it ran into the wall... ppang!
What did a cookie say to another cookie when it wanted to leave...gwajah
What do you call a 5 year old onion? Oh-nyun
What celebrity can you trust with your luggage?Jjim Carrey
How did the ice cream get into a car accident?Cha Gah Wah Suh
What did the fish say when it lost its bones?Oh my ga shee
What do u call a corny soup?Ssulung tang
what did song say to mong when he told her he was leaving the country? donk-go, mong
What did the truck say to the bread? Bbang Bbang!
What do you call a cute guy with no ears? Gwee-up-dah!
What did the mama turkey say to the baby turkey? Gobble - ji- mah!
What do you call a pre-occupied bean? kong beejee
what do you call a broken bicycle? mot-tah-cycle
where do lettuces worship? at a sang-choo-ary (sanctuary)
what do you call a big napkin? HU-ji (huge)
wanna hear a family joke? gah joke
what did one forehead say to the other? .. ya eemah!
what do you call a smelly bird? nem seh
what do you call the burnt rice at the bottom of a rice cooker? bobby brown
what is the vampire's fav drink? koh-pee
why did the korean smoker go to the horseraces? mal-bo-ro
what did the small fish say when he got eaten by the big fish? Oh-dheng!!!
what did the byun tae say to the mushroom? oht buhsut!
what did the cat say to the sheep to make it go away? GO YANG EE!
what do you call a hairy robot? tul-min-a-tuh!
Why don't lobsters share? They are Shell-fish
What did the bread say when it ran into the wall... ppang!
What did a cookie say to another cookie when it wanted to leave...gwajah
What do you call a 5 year old onion? Oh-nyun
What celebrity can you trust with your luggage?Jjim Carrey
How did the ice cream get into a car accident?Cha Gah Wah Suh
What did the fish say when it lost its bones?Oh my ga shee
What do u call a corny soup?Ssulung tang
what did song say to mong when he told her he was leaving the country? donk-go, mong
What did the truck say to the bread? Bbang Bbang!
What do you call a cute guy with no ears? Gwee-up-dah!
What did the mama turkey say to the baby turkey? Gobble - ji- mah!
Cats and Dogs are Better Than Kids
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Dang Teens!
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had
sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had
sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Things That Are Certain In Life
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed man in his late 20s or early 30s. "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to have Jennifer," the man replied.
"Sir, Jennifer is one of our most expensive
ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,"
said the madam.
"No. I must have Jennifer," was the man's reply.
Just then, Jennifer appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 per trick.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Jennifer, and they went upstairs and after an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to have Jennifer.
Jennifer explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - Too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Jennifer and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Jennifer and they went upstairs.
After their session, Jennifer questioned the man. "No one has ever had me three nights in a row.
"Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Southern California."
"Really" she said. "I have family in Southern California."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
"Sir, Jennifer is one of our most expensive
ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,"
said the madam.
"No. I must have Jennifer," was the man's reply.
Just then, Jennifer appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 per trick.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Jennifer, and they went upstairs and after an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to have Jennifer.
Jennifer explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - Too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Jennifer and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Jennifer and they went upstairs.
After their session, Jennifer questioned the man. "No one has ever had me three nights in a row.
"Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Southern California."
"Really" she said. "I have family in Southern California."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Are Computers Male or Female?
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being
female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to
starboard, Captain!")
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced
that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their
reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm
certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory
for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
*** However, another group of computer scientists, (all female)
think that computers should be referred to as if they were male.
Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to
starboard, Captain!")
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced
that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their
reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm
certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory
for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
*** However, another group of computer scientists, (all female)
think that computers should be referred to as if they were male.
Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
How women score men
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is. In
the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do
something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points
are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...
Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point
system.
Simple Duties
You make the bed............................................... ...+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1
You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You check out a suspicious noise at night .....................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her father............................................ ..-10
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.......-2
Named Tiffany...................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.............-6
Tiffany has implants............-8
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner..................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team..................-10
Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely........................-20
You forget your anniversary...............................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station..............-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey............................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...............-60
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal .........................................-5
And the pal is happily married ............................-4
Or frighteningly single ...................................-7
And he drives a Mustang...................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ............-15
You have a few beers.......................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour................................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call............-20
You get home at 3 am......................................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ..-40
Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work.................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real
late..........+10
You wait up................................................ ......+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20
A Night Out
You take her to a movie.........................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ...............................+6
You take her to a movie you like................................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15
Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected..................... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ....+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ......+30
And she contracts Lyme disease..................................-25
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly...............................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of
it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too".........-800
Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical................-5
Something she can't use.........................................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane...............................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40
Driving
You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal.........-25
You know them.............................................. ....-60
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding.....................................-10
You reply, "Where?".......................................... ...-35
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression..............0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20
the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do
something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points
are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...
Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point
system.
Simple Duties
You make the bed............................................... ...+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1
You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You check out a suspicious noise at night .....................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her father............................................ ..-10
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.......-2
Named Tiffany...................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.............-6
Tiffany has implants............-8
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner..................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team..................-10
Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely........................-20
You forget your anniversary...............................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station..............-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey............................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...............-60
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal .........................................-5
And the pal is happily married ............................-4
Or frighteningly single ...................................-7
And he drives a Mustang...................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ............-15
You have a few beers.......................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour................................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call............-20
You get home at 3 am......................................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ..-40
Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work.................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real
late..........+10
You wait up................................................ ......+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20
A Night Out
You take her to a movie.........................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ...............................+6
You take her to a movie you like................................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15
Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected..................... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ....+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ......+30
And she contracts Lyme disease..................................-25
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly...............................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of
it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too".........-800
Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical................-5
Something she can't use.........................................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane...............................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40
Driving
You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal.........-25
You know them.............................................. ....-60
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding.....................................-10
You reply, "Where?".......................................... ...-35
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression..............0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20
Monday, February 12, 2007
Duct Tape
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to
ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to
ask her out, and she agreed."
"That`s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I`d
get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg,
so if I did, it wouldn`t show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it
in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
Submitted by Andy N.
walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to
ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to
ask her out, and she agreed."
"That`s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I`d
get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg,
so if I did, it wouldn`t show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it
in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
Submitted by Andy N.
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for 19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach! Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks:
"What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers:
"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's
Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and One of Ken's Friends.
Joke submitted by K.C.
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for 19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach! Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks:
"What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers:
"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's
Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and One of Ken's Friends.
Joke submitted by K.C.
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a long, painful
tirade,listing every problem they had ever had. She went on and on and
on about neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling
unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had
endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife
to stand, and then embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.
Submitted by K.C.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a long, painful
tirade,listing every problem they had ever had. She went on and on and
on about neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling
unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had
endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife
to stand, and then embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.
Submitted by K.C.
Jokes of the Day
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers .
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?! The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile! :)
Thanks to Jerri Rhee for sharing.
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers .
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?! The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile! :)
Thanks to Jerri Rhee for sharing.
Monday, February 05, 2007
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