Friday, March 31, 2006 

I'm Too Smart For the First Grade

First-grade teacher, Ms. Choi, was having some trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Brian, what's your problem?"

Brian answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade, and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Choi had had enough. She took Brian to the principal's office.

While Brian waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Choi he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Brian was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Brian: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Brian: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Choi and tells her, "I think Brian can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Choi says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Brian both agreed.

Ms. Choi asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Brian, after a brief moment says: "Legs."

Ms. Choi: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Brian replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Choi: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Brian: "Pants."

Ms. Choi: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Brian: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Choi: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Brian replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Choi: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Brian: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Choi: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that signifies there's a lot of heat and excitement?"

Brian: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Brian in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

 


Star Wars: Dark Lord: The Rise of Darth Vader Posted by Picasa

 

Star Wars: Dark Lord: The Rise of Darth Vader

This is a must read for any Darth Vader fan. As the title indicates, it's about Darth Vader's rise to power.

The setting takes place a few years after Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. The galaxy is in chaos after the end of the Clone Wars. The Jedi Order has been destroyed. Lord Vader has become Emperor Palpatine's right hand man. His task is to destroy the few Jedi that have escaped "Order 66" (the order by Palpatine to the clone troopers to destroy all Jedi).

The story also focuses on two new jedi, Jedi Master Roan Shryne and Padawan Olee Starstone. Shryne is kinda like a Jedi Outcast who finds redemption in the Force during his confrontation with Vader. Shryne is pretty good as he gets a few hits in during his lightsaber duel with Vader. Vader gets pissed off because Shryne hits his cyborg electrical circuits. Vader channels the Dark Side and starts pummeling Shryne with all sorts of heavy stuff. It's like the scene on the Death Star with Luke in Empire Strikes back. But, it's ten times worse. Shryne is hit left and right mercilessly by wood, steel, and rocks. Ouch!

Before Vader can order "69" on the female Jedi Olee Starstone, she is rescued and gets the heck outta there.

In the book, we see that Anakin/Vader is struggling with his past. He hates Sidious for not keeping his promise to save his wife, Padme. At the same time, he needs Sidious to learn more about the Dark Side to feed his unquenchable thirst for power. He blames the Jedi for ruining everything with their blind thinking.

We see that he's having difficulties with his new armour, his bionic appendages, and mask. He says, "I can't see anything out of this stupid mask and it's dang hard to breathe in this thing." He also complains, "Those damn medical droids made me from inferior parts!" As the story progresses, he starts gaining more and more power through the Dark Side though. He goes on to become the ultimate badass.

The ARC (Aggressive ReConnaisance Team) also make an appearance in this book. These guys are like the elite Navy Seals of the storm troopers. They have their own videogame called Star Wars Republic Commando.

In the Epilogue, Obi Wan is drinking himself silly in a cantina in Tatooine. He learns that Darth Vader is still alive. Vader has turned Chewbacca's home planet, Kashyyk into a barbeque. Obi Wan dedicates his life to protecting and watching over Anakin's kid, Luke Skywalker, from Vader.

This was a great Star Wars book. I love Darth Vader. Long live Lord Vader! If you don't bow down to him, he'll choke you with his mind, you piece of bantha fodder!

 

I love Chili

A young cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Montana moseys on in to the Gaylord Hotel Cafe in Pocahontasville. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

 

The Engineer

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God phones Satan and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gone down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. Where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

 

All That Suffering For Nothing

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned
to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws
of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,
pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the
first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error
would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from these
copies for centuries, but you do make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down the stairs into the dark caves underneath
the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a
locked vault that has not been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and the old abbot does not return. The young
monk becomes worried and goes downstairs to look for him.
He finds him banging his head against the wall. His forehead
is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk rushes to his side, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word is celebrate!"

 

Rage Against the Librarian

I love the library, but you have to make sure that the books you return have been scanned in. I checked out some Car and Driver magazines a few weeks ago, and I got a notice saying that one of the magazines I checked out was still due.

As you know, I always return everything right away. I'm pretty anal. I always show up early to work, to meetings, and to see friends. I pay my bills the same day I get them in the mail. When I return library books, I return them way in advance of the due date.

Now, they have the audacity to say that I never turned in the magazine! If I didn't get that notice, I might have accured late charges for decades just like that one guy who had $10,000 in library late charges for a book he checked out 40 years ago as a kid.

Now, I have to pay for their mistake. That's totally unfair.

I always hand my library books to the librarian, because of my experiences in the past. Several times over my lifetime, the library has said that they didn't get my books when I turned them in.

Never turn in your books at the Return Box. There's a good chance that it won't be scanned in and you'll be the one to pay for it.

Now, I have to ask the librarian for a printout of the books I return to make absolutely certain that I returned them.

This goes for other places like Blockbuster's Video too. Those guys don't know what they're doing nor do they care.

Thursday, March 30, 2006 

TIE-Tanic

Watch this hilarious clip of Star Wars vs. Titanic. It's cheesey, but you know I'm a sucker for anything Star Wars.

Darth Vader gets jealous of the success of Titanic and wants to prevent it from surpassing the Star Wars franchise. Tie Fighters are sent out to blast the Titanic to pieces. I loved how the Ewoks die in the sinking ship. The part where the Tie Fighters blow off the head of one of the ship's crew members is pretty funny too.

It's pretty clever. How'd they make those special effects?

I'm a Star Wars fan for life.

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Wednesday, March 29, 2006 


Team America: Kim Jong Il is so ronery (lonely) all by himself. Posted by Picasa

 

Team America: World Police

Thunderbirds meet South Park.

At first, this movie looks like it's about the marionettes from the old tv movies, the Thunderbirds, I used to watch as a kid. Then, they start talking and cursing like the kids from South Park.

I love parodies and these guys made fun of everyone.

Team America is a small group of freedom fighters that police the world and fight terrorism. They go around blowing up terrorists, while blowing up buildings and other innocent people at the same time. It's a good spoof of the U.S.'s philosophy towards the world.

One of their team members is killed by a terrorist. The team leader, Spottswoode, goes to find a replacement by finding a really good actor, Gary Johnston, that's starring in the hit Broadway musical, "Lease".

Gary is reluctant to follow Spottswoode at first.


Gary: Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get in your car and let you put your finger inside me. Then if I go down on you I get a movie part.

Spottswoode: Please, Gary, I'm not from Hollywood. I'm not going to fuck your mouth and my time is extremely valuable.

Gary (inside the flying Lamborghini Diablo limo): Jesus, this is a nice limo.

Spottswoode: Yes, it is. Now suck my cock.


Gary asks him why he wants an actor to join Team America, and Spottswoode responds that spying is just merely acting.


Gary falls in love with Lisa.


Lisa: Promise me you'll never die.

Gary: You know that I can't promise that.

Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.

Gary: I promise I will never die.

The next scene shows the infamous puppet sex scene.


Then, their supercomputer, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., which sometimes gives bad intelligence, notifies them of terrorist activity.

Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.

Gary: 9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's...

Spottswoode: Yes, 91,100.

Chris: Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.


The team finds out that the North Korean commie dictator, Kim Jong Il is behind the terrorism. But, during one of his stirring solo song, we discover that he is just misunderstood and terribly "ronery" all by himself.

This movie has a lot of extremely crude humor and most of it is pretty offensive, but I was laughing my ass off.

They poke fun at Hollywood actors and the Film Actors Guild (F.A.G.).

In one scene Gary gets drunk at a bar and pukes nonstop for a long time. That's exactly what I looked liked after I got drunk at my last office party.

One drunk guy at the bar tells Gary his philosophy about how the world goes around:

"See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!"

Apparently, Gary remembers this profound diatribe even after he passes out in a pool of his own vomit. After all the F.A.G. actors and the world leaders meet in Kim Jong Il's palace for a supposed peace conference, Gary gives a speech in front of everyone about why Team America needs to stop Kim Jong Il:

"We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!"


The Highs: Extremely crass, and funny, jokes.

The Lows: May be offensive to many.

The Verdict: A South Park parody of politics and Hollywood, "Thunderbirds Are Go!" style.

My rating: B, 88.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 

Who Brews the Coffee

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that. Show me."

So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .............

"HEBREWS"

 

Burger King Song

Click on the link. It's out of season, but it still cracked me up.

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Geisha Tuna Posted by Picasa

 


Geisha canned foods Posted by Picasa

 


Geisha and padawan Posted by Picasa

 

Memoirs of a Geisha

This is a Japanese Cinderella-type story starring the girls from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The movie is beautifully shot, but the actors and actresses' fobby accents ruin it.

Ziyi Zhang stars as Sayuri. After their mom kicks the bucket, their poor fisherman bastard of a dad sells Zhang and her older sister to geisha houses.

Zhang runs around the streets trying to find her older sis until finally she finds her one day. Her sis tells her to meet her at the bridge the next day so that they can run away together. Zhang sneaks out in the middle of the night, but falls off the roof and gets hurt. Her sis runs away without her --never to be heard from ever again.

Now, Zhang is in deeper crap because she is in further debt to the mother geisha for her doctor's bills.

Zhang, who is about 12 years old, cries on a small bridge. Ken Watanabe sees her and buys her some cherry flavored shaved ice. She is so happy that someone in the world showed her some kindness that she falls in love with Ken. She vows to do whatever it takes to meet him again. That's pretty sick since Ken's kinda old. But, I guess guys like younger women.

Zhang grows up to be a beautiful geisha. She has green eyes or so they say. They keep saying her eyes look like water. Her eyes looked brown to me, just like all the other Asians. I've never seen any full Asian with green eyes before.

Michelle Yeoh takes Zhang under her wing as her older sister. She trains her how to be a true geisha. Michelle makes a bet with Zhang's mother geisha that Zhang will be able to pay off her debt within 6 months. If she loses, she'll pay twice her debt. That's a wager she can not turn down. It's a win win sitution for her. No one has ever paid off their debt so quickly. Not even, Michelle--who paid off her debt when she was 20! Amazing. That's a world record.

One day, Michelle and Ziyi walk down the street. A true geisha can make a man stop in his tracks with just one look. Ziyi flutters her eyes at one boy on a bike and he crashes into a chicken wagon. Ziyi now has the power of a geisha.

The baron is also enchanted by her performance. He asks her to go into his palace, 'cuz he has a beautiful kimono he wants to show her. What a dumb girl. Anybody knows that when someone wants to show a girl something in his place, he has some other plan in mind. The baron is apparently an expert in kimonos and taking them off. He keeps spinning her around until her kimono comes off and she's naked. Ziyi starts crying, "Please, don't rape me." The baron loves pretty girls. He wants to do it, but let's her go. Perhaps, he has sympathy for her since she's sobbing her eyes out. "Hmmphh." He thinks. "I usually always get what I want."

Later on, in order to raise funds to pay off her debt, Michelle tells Ziyi to flirt with all the powerful rich guys. They start a bidding war for her virginity. The old ass doctor wins, so he gets to sleep with her. When Ziyi goes back home, the mother geisha says that she is now a true geisha. Damn!

Meanwhile, Gong Li, who has been jealous of Ziyi ever since she was a little girl, has been spreading rumors of Ziyi's impurity. At first, the old doctor was disgusted because he heard that Ziyi slept with so many guys including smelly fishermen. After her knock-out geisha show starring Ziyi, she becomes Japan's most famous celebrity geisha. Geisha means an artist in Japanese. Geishas are not just your average ordinary prostitutes. They are highly skilled artists, singers, and dancers who specialize in entertaining rich and powerful men.

Ziyi gives a small red box to the old doctor, which means that she wants him, and whispers in his ear that she should listen to his own advice and seek a second opinion before making a judgment. They laugh and then the old grandpa takes her virginity as his prize.

Ziyi wants to hook up with Ken, but Ken wants to set her up with his burnt faced friend, because his friend saved his life during battle. Ken wants his burnt faced friend to be happy by getting laid by a pretty geisha.

The Americans come and occupy Japan. They introduce Ziyi to a wealthy white colonel and say that she is "The Mystery of the Orient". In one of the most awkward and corniest lines I've ever had to endure, Ziyi says in her broken Engrish, "Pehaps you can be the one to solve the mystery." Ah ha ha! What the hell kinda lame line is that?

I think they've taken the geisha as a master haiku poet and conversationalist thing too far in this movie. Some of the lines were just too awkward in this movie. It might have made a good book, but it was too contrived as lines in a movie.

I thought the acting was good. It was just the fact that they had to speak in their broken Engrish that made it awkward to watch.

Going back to where I left off, at the hot tub scene (there's no full nudity, by the way), Ziyi comes up with a plan to make the burnt faced guy jealous and not like her anymore. The burnt faced guy wants her all to himself. Ziyi asks her friend Pumpkin to bring the burnt faced guy to her room at exactly 9 o'clock. Ziyi starts taking off the white colonel's pants in a hurry. He starts trying to have sex with her and then she tells him to wait. She's trying to time it exactly so that the burnt faced guy will walk in on them right when they're about to do it. She doesn't want to have actual sex with the white colonel. But, she can't hold him back. He starts doing his nasty thing to her. Then, Ken walks in on them. Ziyi is shocked. She asks Pumpkin why she brought Ken instead of Ken's burnt faced friend. Pumpkin replies that she wants her to feel how she felt when Ziyi took the only thing that mattered to her away from her many years ago when they were kids. Ziyi became adopted by the mother geisha and Pumpkin's chance was lost when Ziyi became so successful. Ahhh, sweet revenge.

Ziyi lost all hope one by one just like how the cherry blossom leaves fall off one by one during winter. So poetic.

One day, Ken visits her in the cherry blossom garden. She tells him how she fell in love with him as a little kid when he bought her that cherry flavored shaved ice. Everything she did in her life was done in order to help her meet him again. She gave all her money to Buddha after he bought her that shaved ice. She prayed to Buddha to let her meet him once again. Buddha answered her prayers. Praise Buddha!

Ken says that he always knew that it was her. In fact, he was the patron that helped her when she was growing up. Oh my gosh! How sweet! They kiss and walk through the garden.


This movie was beautiful to look at. The scenery was breathtaking. The geishas in the movie were nice to look at too. I've always thought geishas were ugly when I saw pictures of them before. They looked like Japanese female clowns to me. I just didn't like their nasty white make up. I like women to look natural.

The Highs: Beautiful scenery, artistically crafted, good acting.

The Lows: Chinglish accents. The books poetic writing didn't work well as lines for the movie. Their lines were awkward.

The Verdict: Japanese Cinderella story. She's not pure as Snow White though.

My rating: 75, C.

Monday, March 27, 2006 


Master and servant Posted by Picasa

 

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

If you want a swashbuckling good time, watch Master and Commander.

Russell Crowe stars as Captain "Lucky" Jack Aubrey. This is set during the Napoleonic wars. Crowe plays a cunning English sea captain that is commissioned to sink, burn, or take the French Man O' War, the Acheron, as a prize. The Acheron is a much faster and larger ship with more crew members and cannons. Crowe has to use his ingenius naval warfare abilites to hunt it down and stop it.

At first, the Acheron attacks Crowe's ship, the HMS Surprise, by taking them by surprise by hiding in the fog. The Surprise takes a lot of damage and several of the crew are badly injured. One little midshipman, Lord Blakeney, a 12 year old kid has to get his arm amputated. The primitive surgery back then was scary. The only thing the kid had was a piece of wood to bite on. They sawed off his arm without anasthesia. He makes me look like a baby when I chickened out of my dentist's appointment awhile ago, because I found out I wasn't going to get general anasthesia to pull out all 4 of my wisdom teeth. The kid was tough cookie. He just chewed hard on the piece of wood and didn't cry.

Captain Crowe then manages a way to get his ship back into the fog to hide from the Acheron. Another time, he constructs a raft with sails to make it look like the HMS Surprise. They get away in the middle of the night.

They sail around Brazil and visit the Galapagos Islands. Paul Bettany plays Crowe's friend, the ship's doctor. He is a naturalist and cautions him saying that seeking revenge against the Acheron may cloud his judgment and endanger the entire crew.

During one of the storms, Crowe had to decide whether to save one of the sailors who fell overboard or save the whole ship that was sinking. While wearing his Napoleon hat, Crowe had the difficult decision of having to choose between the lesser of two evils.

Although this wasn't a pirate movie, it reminded me of one of my favorite videogames, Pirates. In the game, I learned about different ships and the rules of sailing.

One complaint I had was that it was hard to hear and understand what people were saying sometimes. I find that to be true with many movies. Actors should enunciate better or the sound editors need to do a better job. It's especially difficult to hear when they're talking fast with a thick British accent. Sometimes, people are talking too softly. Talk better, people!

I thought the movie was well made, overall, but I would never want to be on a ship like that in real life. I'd probably be puking all over the place everyday for many months. After our senior class trip in college when we went deep sea fishing, I swore that I would never go on a boat ever again. I still plan to keep that promise. God, I still have painful memories of that tragic day when all of us were blowing chunks non-stop for 8 hours.

Another big reason, I wouldn't want to be on that boat would be that it's filled with about 200 stinky sailors and no women. That would be one of the worst prisons to be on. A rolling puke inducing prison where all the guys haven't taken showers since they first boarded the ship. How did they keep the food from spoiling after long trips without refrigeration? The food must have been terrible. What were the sleeping conditions like? Unimaginably awful, I assume. What about the bathrooms? I have to go the bathroom a lot and I bet the conditions would be pretty bad. You better pray you don't get hurt or if you do, you better pray that you die instantly during sea battles. Otherwise, you'd get surgery with unsanitary instruments. Can you imagine them sawing your arm off with a dull dirty knife? Yoinks!

I'm glad it's just a movie. If I had to board that ship for Her Majesty's service, I'd probably jump off and drown just like that one dork did in the movie.

The highs: Realistic naval battles, great epic feel.

The lows: 197 sweaty stinkin' sailors. Hard to understand what people are saying at times.

The Verdict: A swashbuckling epic without pirates.

My rating: 88, B.

 

The Constant Gardener


The Constant Gardener and his wife, Tess. Posted by Picasa


I don't like gardening, but I liked this movie. Don't worry. The movie isn't really about gardening at all.

The movie is based on the bestselling novel by John Le Carre. The story contains elements of romance, spy thriller, and social commentary on pharmaceutical companies. I liked the nonlinear storytelling in this movie. It worked for me. This movie was like watching a mystery novel. Although, it was kinda obvious to me that the big evil pharmaceutical company was behind the murders.


**********Spoiler Alert*******************************
Oh, by the way, this review contains spoilers just like all my movie reviews do.
******************************************************

Ralph Fiennes stars as John Quayle, a British diplomat. Rachel Weisz stars as Tessa.
Ms. Weisz won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in 2006.

Quayle is a quiet British diplomat that loves to garden. He is very diplomatic in that he doesn't like to offend anyone. While giving a speech, he meets Tessa. Tess starts arguing with him. Later she apologizes. She invites him over for a cup of hot coffee.

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas' infamous "Hot Coffee" mod that stirred up so much controversy recently seemed to be profoundly phrophetic in telling what would happen in this movie. Once a woman invites a man over to have some "hot coffee", it appears that that is a secret code word for boning. And that's exactly what they did immediately after they went inside her house.

The movie begins with Tess leaving for Africa. Then, it goes to a scene with an old jeep that seemed to have been flipped over to the side after it was blown up.

The movie was shot very artistically and the nonlinear approach to the storyline helped with that effect.

His friend, Sandy, another diplomat, tells him the bad news about his wife. At first, he seemed to be a good friend. Later on, we realize how sleazy he was. He was secretly in love with Tess. He was always coming on to her. The movie's nonlinear approach makes it seem like she had an affair with him in the beginning. Afterwards, we discover that Tess was a faithful wife.

Tess was some kind of radical hippy doctor-type that helped out in the aid to Africa. She learns that the drugs provided to Africans afflicted with AIDS and TB were actually killing people. The drug company was using African people to test their drugs. She writes a report to the president of the drug company. A letter is given to Sandy, but he keeps it to himself instead of sharing the contents with Tess. Sandy is on the conspiracy to hide what the pharmaceuticals are doing. Tess really really wants to know what the letter says. She knows that Sandy wants her. She says that she will give him what he wants if she can read the letter. Due to Sandy's horniness, he agrees to do it even though it brings danger to himself.

Tess keeps everything to herself without telling her husband, Quayle, because she wanted to protect him. She knew that she was in danger and didn't want him to get involved too.

Meanwhile, Quayle is suspecting that Tess is having an affair with her other African friend, Arnold Bluhm. But, later he finds out that Arnold was gay. What a relief, he thinks.

Quayle eventually discovers the truth that the president of the pharmaceutical company ordered her death. He discovers that they are testing Africans as live subjects for their drugs.

I found that this movie was very eye-opening in what may have been happening to people in Africa. The drug companies were testing their drugs for research so that they could later release it to the richer nations. They pretended that they were being charitable to African peoples who have been devastated by several plagues and diseases.

Quayle is later shot to death by a gang who is hired by the big bad corporation. Quayle however makes his peace with Tess and her death. He goes to the site where she died. Tess' cousin reads the letter hidden by Sandy in front of everyone at Quayle's funeral and the media start hounding the president of the pharmaceutical company.

Quayle kept thinking back to the times he was with Tess. He kept thinking of the times when Tess was naked. Was she pregnant by the way? How'd they make her look pregnant when she was totally naked? In the beginning Tess was thin. Then, they show times when Tess was pregnant and naked. Now, that's great job by the make-up department.

Highs: Superb acting by everyone (you can actually see the muscles tensing up in their faces when they're asked a stressful question!), great artistic filmmaking, nice scenery, nonlinear storyline that works, intriguing revelation about pharmaceutical companies.

Lows: Maybe very confusing at times, insinuations about Tess' unfaithfulness.

The Verdict: A great artistic thriller with a great socially relevant message.

My rating: A-, 90.

 


We made candy airplanes at Sunday School this past Sunday. You get a stick of Wrigley's gum, 2 pieces of Life Saver's candy, a roll of tart candy like you see in the picture, a rubber band, and a colored sheet of paper to wrap around the stick of gum. You can write down a message like "Jesus loves me" or your favorite churchy phrase. The 2nd grade kids loved it and so did I. We had a small aerial battle after we made them. Posted by Picasa

 

Rage Against the Machine

Laundry machine, that is.

This past Friday, Sarah and I went to the coin laundry to wash our blankets. This one washing machine stole $3.50 and a different machine stole another 50 cent.

Dang those machines! They're thieves. There were so many times when coin operated machines stole my money. I can't even break into them to get my money back, because that would be considered destruction of property.

We spent about $30 at the laundromat, because we washed all our blankets and sheets for spring cleaning.

Fortunately, I've never had any problems with bank ATM machines. . . . . Knock on wood.

What if an ATM machine deducted $200 from my bank account, but shortchanged me $20? That would suck.

I prefer dealing with real human beings. That way, I can quickly ask for help if there's a mistake or something. Although, you can't completely trust bank tellers either. One time, when I was getting coins for my parents' business, a bank teller shortchanged me by not giving me a roll of $10 in quarters. Never leave the bank without making sure you get the correct amount of money.


I got sick again this weekend too. I was recovering from a flu last week, but I got even more sick since my body was in a weakened condition. My eyes are red, my head hurts, and I have a sore throat. I'm struggling to stay awake.

Friday, March 24, 2006 

The Incredible Rage

As many of you know, I'm usually an easy going happy-go-lucky type of guy. I try to be as nice as possible to everyone around me.

One time, someone warned me that I was too nice and that people might try to take advantage of me because of my niceness. Well, I thought that even though I'm nice guy, I wouldn't let people take advantage of me. There are just some things that I won't tolerate. I don't like to say no to people, but I will say no if I have to. But, just like the demure version of Jim Carrey in Me, Myself, and Irene, I think that people have looked down upon me because of my meekness. And if you saw the movie, you will know what happened to the nice guy. He finally cracked when he took too much abuse from people.

This happened to Bruce Banner also in The Incredible Hulk. Nice quiet shy guys turn into raging uncontrollable monsters when they finally crack. This also happened to Homer Simpson in the Angry Dad/Incredible Hulk episode of The Simpsons when Bart pushed him too far. Well, Homer can never really maintain self-control, cuz' he's always choking Bart to death.

This uncontrollable rage happens to me once in awhile when someone pushes my buttons to the limits. It's like I'm Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. I scare myself sometimes after I unleash my anger upon people. I don't know if I fit in the angry bulldog or striking cobra category of angry people. I've read that some people hold in all their angry feelings until one day, they explode and stay angry for a long time. Other people just snap back in anger very quickly and then calm down quickly.

When I finally lose my temper, all hell breaks loose. I start yelling and screaming obscenities towards my debating opponent. The more they yell back, the angrier and more unstable I become. I might then totally lose self-control by throwing and breaking things. Fists might start flying as well if things get worse.

I believe I try to stay as nice as possible in order to not trigger my uncontrollable anger. I'm frightened I might do something which I may later regret.

I remember getting into a lot of fights when I was a young kid at school. One day when some little punk kept teasing me by saying "Chinese, Japanese" and doing that slanted eye thing with his fingers, I felt that I finally had enough and I started smashing his face with my knuckles. I'm Korean, you piece of $%(& bleepin' @@@hole mo&*#$fo@#$%!!

Another time, this other kid pissed me off and I stabbed him with a sharp pencil. I didn't even mean to do it either. I just meant to hit the ground in frustration, but the pencil went through his hand. He started screaming so loudly and was balling like he was going to die. I got scared. I couldn't believe what I had done. He went to the doctor and I don't remember what happened after that. Fortunately, back then, they didn't sue as much as they do nowadays.

I remember I got into several fights in junior and senior high school too. I don't remember how one fight began, but one day some jerk-ass punk just punched me right in the eye. My eyeball turned yellow and my eye was red and swollen shut. I got so mad that I didn't let that guy go without rampaging on his face and eyes until he was black and blue all over. An eye for an eye, I guess.

These days, my total loss of self-control have been becoming more frequent than earlier before.

99% of the time, I'm supernice. I've got to control my temper somehow so that I will never lose self-control again. I better learn how to do this before I do something I will truly regret.

Forgive me father for I have sinned. . . A lot. . . Maybe too much. . . I'm going to shut up now.

Thursday, March 23, 2006 


Here's a picture of our new law school dean, Kevin Cole, and me at last night's alumni reception. He seems to look a bit tipsy from having had too much to drink. Posted by Picasa

 


At the alumni reception, there were a lot of prospective law students and alumni at the City Club. I didn't take any pictures of them though. Posted by Picasa

 


Last night, I went to the posh City Club for my law school alumni reception. I had some nice prime rib, fruits, and vegetables. I learned from my mistakes at the other office parties. I really controlled my drinking this time.  Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 


Z-boys of Dogtown. Sweet board, dude! Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 

Lords of Dogtown

Gnarly 360 spin, man!

This movie is about the original skateboard legends who made what skateboarding is today. This movie takes place in the early 70's. It's kinda like a movie documentary of the Z-boys. If you liked this movie, be sure to check out the documentary of Dogtown and Z-boys.

Sure, you laugh at their plastic skateboards and waist high shorts, but these guys are the forefathers of skateboarding today. Skateboarding would not be where it is today, without the Z-boys, man. We are merely standing on the shoulders of giants. These guys didn't invent skateboarding, but they made skateboarding "cool". Otherwise, skateboarding would be associated with knee high socks and disco music. The Z-boys changed all that with their urban surf-style shredding.

The movie does have a dirty, gritty quality about it. It really brings the 70's back to life.

The Z-boys were just poor kids who grew up in Venice, which they called Dogtown because of the seaside slum environment. Skip Engblom, played by Heath Ledger, was the owner of the Zephyr Surf and Skate Shop. He recognized the talent of about a dozen of these poor skating slum kids and sponsored them in skateboard competitions. These guys just blew everyone away with their new radical style. They loved doing low powerslides with their hands. In the beginning, competitions didn't allow people to touch the ground with their hands. That rule disappeared after the star skater, Tony Alva, punched the official's lights out.

Yeah, a lot of their tricks are laughable compared to the absolutely astounding high flying tricks you see today on the vert ramp. You see a cameo appearance by Tony Hawk who plays an astronaut that can't skate at all. I saw Tony Hawk one time at the E3 (Electronics Entertainment Expo) a while back. He can still skate, bro.

A lot of the kids in the movie had long hair. Their clothes made me crack up. All the girls who followed these guys were sluts. These young teens with their newfound rockstar-like stardom were having parties full of drugs, alcohol, and sluts. These guys were nothing more than young punk gangsters. They lacked any type of sense of responsibility. They love to drive recklessly (there were no seatbelt laws back then, either) and destroy other people's property. They epitomize all the reasons why I hate teenagers so much.

Tony Alva was a big dickhead in this movie. His pompousness made me sick. His sister was huge slut too. In one party they had, Jay Adams, another star skater, came over and had sex with Tony's sister. Apparently, Tony and his sister shared the same bedroom, 'cuz Tony was having sex with another girl while his sister was making out with Jay on a different bed. That's disgusting! A brother is not supposed to allow any of that crap to go on. A brother is supposed to beat the living crap out of any guy who tries to touch his sister. How could they both be making out with their gf and bf in the same room?! Then they hear their dad walking in. Jay jumps out the window and Tony's girl hides in the closet. Tony and his sister pretend they're just sleeping. It's a good thing their dad doesn't make them get up, because they're naked underneath their sheets.

What kind of friend was Jay when he stole Stacy Peralta's gf? Stacy Peralta plays the nice guy in the movie. Well, it's his movie so he could make it anyway he wants to. Stacy just finds a nicer girl and better looking one too. He gets sponsored by G&S Skateboards (Gordon & Smith). Man, believe it or not, Stacy's a guy. He looks like Paris Hilton with his long flowing blonde hair. Yuck.

While Stacy and Tony become big skateboard stars, Jay shuns the commercialization of his sport. He doesn't believe in selling out. He turns from a long blonde white boy into a vato with a shaved head and tatoos on his neck. That's probably due to the influence of his chicana gf.

Another skater, Sid gets brain tumor. It looks like his inner ear equilibrium imbalance turned out to be more serious than anyone thought. They should have been nicer to him instead of pushing him around all the time for laughs.

During the 70's there were severe droughts in L.A. People had to conserve water. They had to drain out their swimming pools. The Z-boys took advantage of this drought by running around people's yards and they started skating in their dried out pools. This is how they first revolutionized skateboarding. Vert ramp skating was born.

The highs: Nice gritty drama showing how modern skateboarding started

The lows: Teenagers

The Verdict: Groovy skateboarding movie.

My rating: B, 82.

 

Lords of Downtown



I wanted to get a quick adrenaline rush to celebrate the first day of spring. Downtown LA is fun because of some of the nice downhills. Just like the Lords of Dogtown, I like to terrorize the streets.

I want to be a Lord of Ktown, but there aren't any good hills there.

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Monday, March 20, 2006 


The Grudge: The Professor and Catboy Posted by Picasa

 

The Grudge

I consider myself to be a very scientific and rational person, but I was freaked out after watching this movie. I know it wasn't real, but my mind kept playing tricks on me all night. I kept seeing images of those terrifying faces over and over.

Don't watch this movie right before you go to sleep. It will give you nightmares.

This movie was based on the original Japanese version, Ju-on. The premise is that in Japanese legend, if someone dies in the grip of a powerful rage, a curse is born in the place where that person died. Anyone who goes into that place will be consumed by the curse's fury too.

The movie stars Sarah Michelle Gellar. Buffy must have lost her vampire slaying powers when she moved to Japan, because she was a scaredy-cat the whole time she was there. As for me, if I were paid to go inside a house that's believed to be haunted, I would do it. I would say that there must be a scientific explanation for this. But, if I saw the scary looking faces coming at me, I would run like hell and never go back.

When I saw a scary Korean movie as I kid, I was freaked out by this frightening ghost faced woman. I couldn't walk to the bathroom in the dark, because of the spooks in my mind. I think the scariest looking thing is a scary looking woman. The most terrorizing thing in humans' minds are disfigured human faces. You can create monsters, but if they're not humanized, they won't be that scary.

Buffy is an exchange student who went to Japan because her boyfriend wanted to study Japanese architecture there. When a student nurse didn't report for her job, Buffy is chosen to go to the house to take care of an elderly catatonic lady. She sees a ghost and runs away. She later finds out that a husband killed her wife and son at that house.

There was an American professor that the wife was in love with. The husband reads her diary and drowns her.

The American professor goes to visit the house after reading all the love letters that were sent to him. After visiting the house, he kills himself. He is the first victim of the curse.

Another American family moves into that house because the guy gets a great job there as a CPA. Of course, that family bites the dust.

Buffy's bf thinks that she's in there and goes inside. Buffy finds out he went there to look for her, and she runs inside to save his life. She tries to burn the place, but the spirit won't let her. Finally she drops the lighter into the gasoline. Later, she's at the hospital and we find out that the firefighters prevented the house from burning down. The curse lives on.

There was a bit of Ringu in the movie when they showed the ghost in the videotape walking towards you.

It was too bad they killed off that pretty Japanese girl. Later on, you see she becomes a monster too with her lower jaw missing.

I don't know why that little Japanese boy turned into a catboy.

When Buffy looks through pictures of the professor and his wife, she sees the face of the Japanese woman in the background of all their pictures. Spooky.

The ghost of the woman that drowned kept making burping and gurgling sounds. Those are the same sounds that I make on Sunday mornings when Sarah is forcing me to get out of bed and I can't get up.

This movie had really frightening sounding music. Their picture was shot in a very suspenseful way. As you may know, music really sets the mood of a movie. There was this one video that was spread on the web where some guy remade a trailer of movie called The Shining. He made the trailer seem like the movie was about a family comedy just by changing the music to happy music. That was pretty clever. The music in The Grudge made even the scenes where people slowly walked towards the door extremely suspensful and frightening.

The highs: If you want to be scared, this movie will deliver.

The lows: Horror movie logic.

The Verdict: Don't watch this alone in the dark.

My rating: B, 86.

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L.A. Marathon


Los Angeles Marathon Posted by Picasa


This Sunday, March 19, 2005, was the L.A. Marathon. When we arrived at church before the 8:00 am service, I saw these Korean grandmas that parked their cars below Olympic. They parked below Olympic at the Hannam Chain supermarket. BSBC is on the north side of Olympic. These Korean (halmunis) grandmas tried to cross Olympic when there was a sea of bicyclists riding through. All these cyclists started making evasive manuevers to avoid them. Some of them fell down. The grandmas made it to the other side safely and none of the cyclists were hurt, thankfully. When I went to tell my wife what happened, I started laughing.

I want to ride my bike at next year's L.A. Marathon. A long time ago, I wanted to run in it, but I'm so out of shape right now. I think I'll bike it next year and try to run it the year after. But, I've been putting it off for so long, it's just going to be harder and harder for me to do it.

 


Walk the Line Posted by Picasa

 

Walk the Line

This movie is about Johnny Cash's life and his romance with June Carter.

The movie features great acting by Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon.

The movie begins with his life as a little boy listening to the radio. He had a crush on June Carter ever since she was only 10 years old when he heard her songs on the radio. He looked up to his big brother and wondered why he was so good. Unfortunately, his brother died one day accidentally on a circular saw. His father blamed Johnny and said that god took away the wrong son. The movie shows the antagony that goes on between many fathers and sons.

Later on, he gets married to his wife and eventually has three daughters. Before she agreed to marry him, she said that her father told her he had problems. When they showed his face, I thought that he really had mental problems.

When he struggled to make his first record, he and his 2 mechanic buddies were so bad, I thought he really did have mental problems. He sang so slowly with a long deep drawl. But, he eventually became confident and sang a lot better after many tours on stage.

At that time, there were no rock stars. He and his traveling band of performers were the first ones. He traveled with other up and coming stars like Elvis Presley and Jerry Lee Lewis.

He falls into temptation when all these girls throw themselves at him. He succumbs to drugs to help him keep going when he gets tired on the road. Later on, he becomes addicted to amphetamines.

He also falls in love with June Carter. I must say I admire his tenacity. He never gives up when his songs were really slow and bad in the beginning. Then, he asks June Carter to marry him after his divorce with his wife. She says no, but after 40 times, she says yes, because he asks her to marry him on stage in front of everybody. That's too much pressure for a girl to say no to.

One time, at the sundry store, this woman tells June Carter she's a sinner for divorcing and remarrying. Marriage is forever.

Christians were a lot more vocal back then.

Anyway, they eventually get married and stay together until their death in 2003.

The highs: Good acting, good story, good biography of Johnny Cash, impressive singing abilities of Phoenix and Witherspoon.

The lows: Went a little long on; adultery, drug addiction; sinners (but sought redemption in the end).

The verdict: A great movie about Johnny Cash and June Carter.

My rating: A, 91.

Friday, March 17, 2006 


Torque: Easy Ridin' Girls on their Crotch Rockets Posted by Picasa

 

Torque

From the makers of 2 Fast 2 Furious, comes Torque: 2 Stupid on 2 Wheels.

If you hated The Fast and The Furious and its sequel, you'll rage with uncontrollable loathing against this film. If you liked the first two movies, then you might be able to tolerate this one, but just barely. As with most action movies, people go to see these types of films strictly for the action. I must admit, the motorcycle chase scenes on the freeways were kinda cool and exciting to watch. But, that's about the only redeeming factor in this boob of a movie.

The movie is about this motorcycle riding outlaw named Ford. He ran off to Thailand for 6 months to hide from the feds because they were accusing him of drug smuggling. He comes back to see his girlfriend, Shane. She also rides bikes. His 2 bike riding buddies also tag along for the fun.

Henry, the boss of the Hell's Angels-type gang, the Hellion, is after Ford. Henry is the one who put vials of crystal methamphetamine inside some motorcycles he wanted Ford to look after. The FBI gets wind of this and try to arrest Ford. Ford then flees the country until things cool down a bit. Before he took off, Ford hid the motorcycles. Now that Henry discovers that Ford's back in town, Henry wants to recover his bikes that are full of drugs.

Ford also gets involved with Trey, played by Ice Cube. It's weird how Ice Cube becomes an Ice Tray in this movie. Oh well. Ice Trey is the leader of the Reapers, an African American sport bike gang. Henry kills Ice Trey's little brother and frames Ford for murder. Ice Trey wants bloody revenge for this despicable deed. I thought Henry did Ice Trey a favor since Trey's little brother was a brat and was getting in all sorts of trouble. But, of course, Ice Trey needs to exact revenge for the murder of his blood.

Do yourself a favor and take long bathroom breaks whenever the action stops and the characters start talking. You'll save yourself a lot of painful moments of groaning.

I can't stand gangsters. Motorcycle gangs like the Hell's Angels hog riders are an anathema to me.

The only good thing about the film is that the motorcycle chase scenes were pretty fast and thrilling. The filmmakers, however, even managed to screw some of the action sequences up when they put too much goofy CGI in the chase scenes though. They looked totally fake, especially the horrendous last chase scene.

The final chase scene takes place in downtown L.A. Oh my gosh was it absurdly fast! It's faster than the superfast car racing videogame, Burnout Revenge. That kind of silliness doesn't belong on the big screen. Instead of using real action, they use CGI. Now, they lost all credibility. It looked like a roadrunner cartoon. Even the music seemed to have been sped up.

Ford gets his dirty little paws and butt on the Ultrafast Y2K jet engine motorcycle. Only 10 have ever been made. Of course, Jay Leno has one of them. Ford uses the Y2K to chase down Henry on his nitro powered supercharged hog cruiser. These 2 clowns fight on their bikes while traveling 200 miles an hour through downtown L.A. Let me tell you this is the most ridiculous sequence that I've seen in an action movie. They go so fast that it looks like they're going through cars. It's not like they've reached light speed yet. Yes, they are going fast, but not fast enough to go through solid two tons of steel.

Another thing that totally makes me laugh is that even when they're going 200 miles an hour or so, they don't get very far distance wise. At that speed, they would have been half way to San Diego. Henry and Ford speed through downtown LA on Grand Avenue. They start from 2nd Street and after passing a thousand buildings, streets, and cars, they end up on Wilshire. It's like watching a cartoon where the characters go real fast and you can see the background pass by really fast. Anyway, Ford flips his bike and lands on top of Henry. Henry dies and Ford wins.

These guys cover less distance going 200 mph than I can on my skateboard. You guys have seen my downhill skateboarding videos. I've gone from 3rd Street to 6th Street on Grand in 40 seconds. These dumbos cover the same amount of ground while going superfast in that long chase sequence. They've been going straight the whole time too.

There were so many things wrong with this movie that I don't know where to begin. In the last chase sequence where Ford lands his bike on top of Henry, they are in front of the Wilshire Grand Hotel. An old bus driver comes skreeching to a halt right over Ford's face. Then, when they do a close-up of the driver, he has become a big fat guy with a long beard and moustache. How the heck did they put in a different extra for that scene?

In one of the freeway chase scenes, the Hummer the FBI drives flips over at 100 mph right on top of a Porsche. But, the Hummer drops straight on top of the Porsche. What happened to the forward horizontal momentum?

The guy in the Porsche 911 Turbo was the same guy that got beat up by Henry on one of his bike trips. How did he get that Porsche so fast and get to L.A. faster than Ford and Henry who have been racing to LA the whole time? What happened to the Porsche guy's chopper? The guy gets rid of his hog, gets inside a Porsche, and gets stuck in LA traffic long before Ford and everyone else who have been cannonballing to get there.

When the Feds open up the 18 wheeler's trailer, the NASCAR race car just jumps out of the trailer. How is it possible that the FBI guy doesn't get run over after opening the door?

How do the bike riders just jump over obstacles without ramps? Ford just happens to jump over fallen trees and stuff.

Another ridiculous mistake in the movie was when Shane and the evil biker bitch fight one on one on top of their bikes. It may be cool to watch, but it's so ridiculous. Other than to show off their acrobatic motorcycle skills, why would they ride their motorcycles straight through the fish market rather than ride away somewhere else? They ride straight through the fish market at about 60 miles an hour. That fish market just might be the longest fish market in the world.

It's just like the last scene in downtown LA. You can see the same Michelin sign in the background over and over again. I've seen it about 8 times in the background. Are there that many Michelin stores there? Just exactly how long is that fish market? They're going fast, but they don't cover much ground. They're going in a straight line, but they pass by the same stuff over and over again.

Ford says he lives his life 1 quarter mile at a time. Even the other characters think that's the stupidest thing they've ever heard.

The Hell's Angels gang is also fighting for 1 Meellion Dollars worth of crystal meth. When he said that, I thought of the evil genius in Austin Powers. Come on! $1 Millino dollars is not much these days, especially when he has to support a gang that big.

I just watched this movie, because I like motorcycles and fast chase scenes. I really want a motorcycle too. As God as my witness, I will get a motorcycle one day if it's the last thing I do.

The Highs: Lots of fast bikes.

The Lows: Too many to list. Bad story, bad acting, too much CGI, too many ridiculous mistakes. Read the review above.

The Verdict: Torque makes The Fast and the Furious look like an Oscar winner in comparison.

My rating: F, 57.

Thursday, March 16, 2006 


Van Wilder and his dawgs Posted by Picasa

 

National Lampoon's Van Wilder

"Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive." Write that down. If you don't have a pen, then remember it.

So goes one of Van Wilder's sayings that embodies his epicurean philosophy.

Think of this movie as American Pie without the laughs. There were a lot of gross-out, low brow, crass teenage jokes, but it didn't produce the guffaws I was hoping it would. The film is like a guy that doesn't know how to tell a dirty joke. And everyone knows that dirty jokes are the funniest jokes.

Van Wilder looks like a young Will Ferrell. Van Wilder is a 7th year senior at the presitigious Coolidge College. The film was shot at the campus of UCLA though. His wild partying days are numbered, however, when his rich dad/poor father finds out that he still hasn't graduated. His dad says, "Sometimes, in life, you have to recognize a bad investment and then, cut your losses. Write that down."

Now, Wilder has to find a way to pay for his tuition so that he can stay in school. Don't be a fool, stay in school. The more you know, the further you'll go. --A public service announcement. When I was in college, I wanted to stay there as long as possible too. I graduated early though, because I had so many A.P. credits even though I switched majors a lot.

The old spinster of a school administrator takes advantage of Van by unleashing her post-menopausal hormones all over him. He finds out afterwards that he could have simply filed for an extension to pay for tuition without having to compromise his morals and body.

After visiting the local gentleman's club with his posse, he comes up with a creative idea to pay for tuition. He comes up with Topless Tutors-an excellent tutorial service that inspires college dorks to study hard. Once the tutees come up with the right answers to their study questions, they get rewarded by being able to gawk at strippers' mammaries. The fun stops when the strip club owner puts a stop to Van's business.

Meanwhile, Tara Reid, the campus newspaper journalist gets assigned to write about the campus legend, Van Wilder. She dislikes his immaturity at first, but later warms up to him. The nerd fraternity hires Van to throw a rockin' good party and he delivers. Tara writes about the story and the newspaper publishes the front page with the headlines: Van Wilder: Party Liason. Soon, the phones ring off the hook with frats and other clubs asking him to organize parties for them. He comes up with the money to pay for tuition so he gets to stay in school.

Tara's self-obsessed fratboy premed boyfriend gets jealous of her spending too much time with Van and comes up with a way to topple the big man on campus. During one of Van's parties, Tara's bf sneaks in a bunch of elementary school kids in and then the kids get drunk. The little brats start hurling like I did at the office party a couple weeks ago. The cops come and arrest Wilder for serving alcohol to underage kids. When the school finds out, he gets expelled. All the students rally together to protest his expulsion. Wilder goes through an administrative hearing and after a sappy court room scene, he gets to stay. He studies hard for his finals and graduates with a degree in leisure studies.


As I said before, humor is an elusive quality that cannot be attained with mere crass farce. There were several crude gags that did induce some laughs from me, but not as much as the American Pie movies. This movie as a whole just didn't come cohesively together to make a great comedy. This lampoonani is no Animal House.


In the first scene, it looks like an old Asian lady is orally pleasuring Wilder, but really she was just sucking on a lolipop and measuring his inseam for alterations. That is a typical example of the types of jokes that are spread throughout the film. Wilder then takes off his pants and goes to the top of the roof to save the Sherminator, from the American Pie movies, from jumping off and killing himself. For some unknown reason, Wilder doesn't have any underwear on. I guess he likes to go commando.

Then, Wilder interviews people to become his personal assistant. I don't know why he needed one since it looked like he had a sidekick that tagged along everywhere he went anyway. Everyone who goes through the interview is a little whack. Even Erik Estrada, who is constantly looking for jobs after CHiPs, auditions for the job. This film displays poor editing, since it was confusing who Wilder and his sidekick were talking to when the camera kept going back and forth between the interviewees.

The editing really needed a lot of work in this movie. Sometimes, it looks like Wilder is trying to act by making a strange facial expression and the camera just cuts him off.

Wilder finally finds a guy who fits the bill--Kumar from Harold and Kumar Goes to White Castle. Taj Mahal Badalandabad (Kal Penn or Kumar) says he wants to be Van's assistant because he wants Wilder to help him score. Kumar says:

"You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder."

Wilder sets Kumar up with the pulchritudinous Naomi (which is "I moan" backwards). Kumar gets super-excited when he's with her. He puts on massage oils and accidentally slides off her back and falls off the bed. The candles land on him and the massage oils on his back catches on fire. He jumps out the window into the pool. Now, that would make a memorable first time!

After Tara's bf plays a dirty trick on Wilder, he gets revenge by massaging his bulldog's "hot dog" with eclairs. He sends pastries filled with his dog's semen to Tara's frat house Delta Iota Kappa (DIK) and the fratboys gobble it up. That was gross!

Tara also gets back at her bf by putting a ton of Colon Blow powder in his protein shake. He messes up his medical school entrance exams, because he needs to go poo really badly. He starts sweating profusely and just starts filling out the answers randomly. He runs away farting. Before he is able to get to the bathroom, Tara's father introduces him to the Northwestern Med School interviewers. No longer able to hold it in, he finally runs to the trashcan and puts his whole butt in there. He craps and fills up the entire basket.

Other jokes in the movie just weren't funny. A lot of it just bombed like when Wilder organized the nude marathon. There was nothing really to laugh at, except for maybe one really fat and hairy guy.

The highs: 1 or 2 funny gags

The lows: American Pie without the Pie.

The Verdict: This movie's no American Pie. Tastes so bad makes a grown man cry.

My rating: D, 66.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 

I'm Sick Again

This year, we had a really mild winter in L.A., so I thought I had managed to get through this winter without getting a cold or flu, but, alas, it isn't so. I usually get the cold or flu at least once every year. Well, these past couple of days in March had been really cold so it lowered my immune system. I'm still trying to tough it out at work. That's how I am. I had perfect attendance when I went to school and I want to keep it that way. This cold medicine is putting me to sleep though. I'm going in and out of consciousness. This has been like the third week in a row I haven't been feeling well. A couple of weeks ago, I got alcohol poisoning from drinking too much at the office party. Then, I got food poisoning the following week. Now, I'm just plain sick. Blah!

I've been having weird dreams lately that seem so real to me. In one of my dreams, Sarah and I were at a very large park. There were hundreds of Mexican chicano gangbangers and they wouldn't let us go. I had to fight them all. Somehow, we escaped and went to my old house in La Canada. There were tons of gangsters there too. We went inside our home, and they started breaking the door down. I called 911, but the cops were taking too long to come as usual. I had to fight them again. I was getting tired and somehow, I used my magic powers to blow all of them up. Maybe, I dreamed about that after I saw all these gangster looking guys at the bowling alley this past weekend looking at me in a way I didn't like. Their mean looks pissed me off, and I peeled away from the bowling parking lot and drove home like a maniac. That didn't make Pastor Iris and my wife happy.

I'm taking Prometh for my cold. It causes drowsiness. I went to Starbucks and got some free coffee during their annual coffee break giveaway. I drank 2 large cups of coffee. Now, I'm feeling totally weird. My head feels like it's full of helium. My head feels detached from my head. My hands are shaking a lot. It's pretty weird and interesting.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 

Sex and Church

These days kids are having way too much sex. Even the church is not immune to the adultery epidemic that is happening in our society today. I remember one time when I was at Young Nak Presbyterian Church (the biggest meat market church in LA) these girls were talking behind me. We were having a joint worship service with the English ministry's young adult, college, and high school department. While I had my eyes closed trying to meditate on god before the worship service began, I overheard the following conversation by a group of some high school looking girls:

"So, did you do him?"

"How was it?"

I thought to myself, "What the hell is going on!?"

Another time, when I was at Oriental Mission Church (OMC), there was this scandal where this guy kept trying to sleep with every girl at church. Two of the girls reported that they had been deflowered by the lascivious Don Juan to the minister. That Casanova Frankenstein got excommunicated from the church.

Another time at church, this guy told one of his buddies, "All I want to do is have sex with girls." So, profound. These guys that go to church on Sundays-late morning or afternoon service are the same ones that go clubbing on girls on Saturday nights.

I suggest that we force these kids to wear a big Scarlett Letter "A" for Adultery around their necks like back in the puritan times. Let them feel the burn of shame as they hang their heads low! Well, knowing kids today, that red letter A might become a fashion trend like hip hop gangstas.

Things have changed a lot since I was in high school. Times have changed a lot. I was really innocent back then. I just stayed home watching tv on Saturday nights and played videogames on my Commodore 64.

Monday, March 13, 2006 

Sarah Scores a Strike!



Here's a clip of Sarah scoring a strike and I called it!

For some reason, the videos become really dark when I post them up to a video host server. Oh well.

I have some more bowling clips from that night, but they're all boring clips that came out too dark.

I'm never bowling again. My right wrist was killing me due to my skateboard accident a week ago. Bowling made the pain a lot worse. I'm still hurting as I'm typing this post up. I thought it was a waste when I was throwing all those balls into the gutter. I could have used my left arm, but I would have done a lot worse since I'm not left-handed. I could have used a two-handed throw, but I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of everyone. We should have went ice-skating as originally planned, but a lot of folks flaked out. Tony Koo was really good. Nick had a good spin move. Sarah did much better than me. I made one strike and several gutter balls.

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Weekend Wrap-Up 3/10/06-3/12/06

Eating Kim

At dinner on Friday, I was eating a lot of kim (Korean seaweed wrap similar to sushi wraps, not another girl, you sickos. Koreans know what I'm talking about). Even when I was done with my bowl of rice, I kept eating kim until I finished the whole package. That's just how I am. I keep eating until there's no more food in front of me. I eat a bag of chips or cookies that way too.

Eating all that kim reminded me of when I was in first grade. Since I grew up in a Korean household, I ate Korean food primarily. One time, a white friend of mine from school came over. His name was Jacob Williams. I think he broke into my house when I was in 6th grade and stole my VCR and money that was hidden in my desk, but that's another story. Anyway, we were running around trashing my house. Afterwards, we wanted some snacks. Jacob wanted to eat something, but the only thing I could find was kim. I told him it was seaweed wrap, but he ate it anyway and liked it. He was always a fat kid. So, we just ate the package of kim like normal white kids would eat a bag of chips. It was the good kind of kim. It was nice, green, crisp, and salty.


When Life Gives You Lemons and Oranges, Make Lemon and Orange Ade

On Saturday, we went to my parents' house. Sarah bought a bunch of lemons just because they were on sale. We took the lemons to my parents' house so that we could make some lemonade with my mom's juicer. We didn't have enough lemons to make enough lemonade for all of us, so we decided to throw in some oranges in there too. We just threw in all these lemons and oranges in there whole, including the peels. We failed to put the lid on properly. The juicer started splattering lemon and orange juices and pulps all over the kitchen. It was squirting all of us. I should have stuck my tongue out and tried to drink some of it as it flew into my face.

I remembered when I was a kid, I could eat lemons like I ate oranges. But, now that I'm older, I can't handle sour things like I used to. I can't even drink Costco pomegranate juice anymore. It's so sour now. Why'd they get rid of the delicious sweet pomegranate juice they used to have?


Shopping for Flowers and Vases

Later on, we went to Moskatel's in downtown LA to buy some flowers, plants, and vases. [Note to self: Never go shopping with Sarah again when she's buying things that only appeal to women.] The first 30 minutes of choosing flowers and stuff were okay. I was having fun pretending to drink out of giant vases that looked like champagne glasses and throwing around giant fake stone balls. We even had a sword fight with bamboo sticks. Then, after the first hour, I started getting worn out. The next hour and a half bored me to tears. Sarah spent so much time trying to find the perfect items for our home. I'm not into home decoration stuff. Next time, she should drop me off at a videogame store like Game Stop or something and pick me up later. We walked up and down the aisles a hundred times. I put the flowers in and out of the vases 202 times.


Saturday Night BBQ and Bowling

We went to dinner with church people and had a great BBQ. Then, we went to a tea house and had great tea. We were supposed to go ice skating, but a lot of people flaked out at the last minute, so we went bowling instead. Tony really hustled us. We never knew that he always keeps a bowling ball in his car. He had his own bowling ball with his name on it. I think he scored over 200 points in each game. We should never have bet who was going to win. I was still in pain because of my fall off my skateboard a couple weeks ago. Bowling made the pain in my right wrist much worse. No one seemed to care though-except for my wife. I haven't improved at all since junior high when I went bowling with Arvin Kan. After all those gutter balls last Saturday, I'm never going to bowling again for as long as I live.


Sugarboy Strikes Again!

On Sunday, we taught Sunday School like we always do. As usual, Sugarboy Austin was cracking jokes again. This time, I remembered one of his funny remarks. Sarah was telling the story about how Satan tempted Jesus three times. One time Satan took Jesus up to a high mountain and dared Jesus to jump off. Satan said that surely god would send his angels to catch him so that he would not get harmed. Sarah asked the class what Jesus said in response. Austin replied, "God said you're not supposed to commit suicide." Ah ha ha ha! The correct answer was that you're not supposed to test god, but I liked Austin's answer better.


Sarah's Mom's Addicted to V-Tech Videogames

We visited Sarah's parents after church. We caught Sarah's mom playing little Mikey's V-Tech videogame system. She was obsessed with getting a perfect score on a 3-year old's gaming system. That cracks me up.


Avoiding a Scam Artist

Sarah's brother told us about a business opportunity. He said that we had to act by this Tuesday to get in on the deal. Fortunately, we discussed the details with him, before he lost all his money. I'm 100% positive that he was introduced to a scam artist. You should never make any rash decisions because of time pressures. You should always discuss and get advice from as many people as possible before making any big decisions. Times like this make me glad I went to law school. At least I learned some stuff to help me avoid making really big mistakes. I was stressing out about it hoping that he wouldn't making any mistakes. I worry a lot.

 


Drinking some tea. Posted by Picasa

 


Dr. Jenny, DDS, Pastor Iris JDSN (JunDoSanNim=pastor), and Dr. Sarah, Pharm. D. at the Korean tea house after devouring a cow at the Korean BBQ restaurant. Posted by Picasa

 


You can almost smell the aroma of smoky BBQ in this pic. Posted by Picasa

 


Nick and Jenny. Posted by Picasa

 


Nick and me consuming a ton of BBQ. Nick tried to avoid eye contact with the camera all night. I guess he's camera shy. Posted by Picasa

 


Iris JDSN, her husband, Woon Sung, and Sarah cooking Korean BBQ on the grill. That BBQ was sooo good! After church on Sunday, we bought some more meat so we can barbeque them at home. Even though restaurants are good, nothing beats a Kim Family BBQ. Posted by Picasa

 


On Saturday, March 11, 2005, we had dinner at a Korean BBQ restaurant with the Berendo Street Baptist Church (BSBC) Sunday School teachers. I forgot the name of the restaurant, but it was really good. I've been eating salad every day for a couple of weeks and I was craving some good meat. Korean BBQ is the best. If you haven't had some, you've been missing out. I pigged out again as usual, but I paid for it later that night. Oh. . .my bowels.  Posted by Picasa

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  • I'm David Kim
  • From L.A., California, United States
  • Sarah is my life.
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